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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling a bit stuck?

67 replies

extremepie · 24/06/2012 19:57

We are currently babysitting DF's son, who I will call X for this thread!

X recently got temporarily excluded from school and so we are watching him for the next week while DF is at work during the day as he and his ex both work full time.

I really don't like X, Ihave posted about problems I've had with him before and his constant presence in our house is really stressing me out! As he is supposed to be off school as a punishment, we are under instructions from DF to ensure he does no fun stuff like watching tv or playing with our DS'.

Trouble is DS1 really likes X and is getting really upset because X is not allowed to play with him. Its also getting on my nerves that I can't take my own kids out anywhere fun, like the park, because X isn't supposed to be having any fun!

Basically I'm just really fed up of dealing with X - he isn't my son or my problem but his dad is DH's best friend and if we don't watch him he has nowhere else to go :(
What do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 02:29

Thank you deck and you are right the way things are going I am getting to the point where I don't want to deal with X at all but I equally don't want to let DF down.

I think, as you said, I need to be really honest with them.

I also think that you are right about DF partly passing responsibility for X on to us, if we are dealing with him in the afternoon, weekends and holidays, he doesn't have to and while I'm happy to help out a friend if they need me I think it has gone past what is reasonable now.

Also I'm absolutely fuming with X today since I found out after he went home that he not only left paint all overu kitchen table and didn't bother to even try and clean it up but has also completely ruined DS2's buzz light year toy by putting it in the bath. That's a really expensive toy that I can't afford to replace and I'm so livid that he would be that stupid, unless he did it deliberately which is even worse! I'm dreading DS trying to play with it and finding out it doesn't work anymore :(

That incident alone has made me want to not let him come back tomorrow. I don't think I have the time or energy to watch him like a toddler any more, not when I have 2 young kids of my own to watch.

Fuck it I'm just so pissed off with him right now!

OP posts:

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 26/06/2012 02:34

This child is crying out for HIS PARENTS! :( This is so sad because even though I totally understand why you're so upset..I just really feel for the kid. He must feel so unloved.

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 03:03

This is why I feel so torn lurking, I hate his behaviour and the way he seems to have very little respect for anyone or anything but I also know that he has a lot of issues and needs help.

Unfortunately it isn't my place to provide that for him even if I was able to (which I'm not). I also think his bad behaviour can't go unpunished just because he has problems.

It is difficult.

On a different not, do you think IWBU to ask his parents for the money to replace the toy that X broke?

OP posts:

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 03:04

Sorry, note

OP posts:

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 26/06/2012 03:08

Well as a nineteen year old who has only in the past couple of years put her troubled past behind her..

Honestly? You're not helping him by deflecting away from the problem. Whether it's nice to admit or not this kid is crying out for attention, and you know in your heart it's not you he's sending a message to.

Don't make the situation harder on HIM by enabling this ridiculous situation. He needs parents to be there for him. This isn't normal working parent behaviour, you know that. This is dumping a needy child into your life which is spectacularly cruel on you both.

As the kid who always acted out because I wanted my mum to notice me, I strongly urge you to get this kid to the only place he's got a chance. His parents. Hopefully they wake the fuck UP soon :(

ZonkedOut · 26/06/2012 05:42

It sounds like he needs attention from his parents more than anything else. A child doesn't appreciate the fact that they're working to provide for him, he just sees that they aren't there for him.

About the toy - take the batteries out and let it dry out thoroughly (for days). Take the electronic bits out if you can. When it's totally dry, put new batteries in to see if it works again. Water often doesn't ruin electronics permanently, you might be lucky.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/06/2012 08:50

extremepie have the parents looked into getting tax credits or help from the state wrt financing child care? Sounds like money is really tight for them, but the dad is going to have to do something about school holidays, especially as you intend to return to work.

It's a shame that one of the parents can't sah and actually physically escort him to school and be there with him during holidays/exclusion times.

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 09:22

I think X's mum gets tax credits already only not for childcare, I don't know if they know about that but I will mention it :)

They actually used to have one of the other mums whose kids went to the same school watch him after school and holidays (they paid her for it), but then it transpired that her kids had been making racist comments about X's grandad so he stopped going there and starting coming to us instead.

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PurplePidjin · 26/06/2012 09:58

Like it or not, you are responsible for a very troubled child. Strict duscipline is clearly making everyone involved unhappy, and is doing fuck all for the child.

Try a bit of nurture (they do this in schools and PRUs btw). Find some fun emotional literacy things to do together - your dc will also benefit from this. Bake cakes. Splash in puddles. Get him to push your 4 yo on the swings or teach both children a board game. Get some sense of self worth into the lad.

Stop thinking of him as "bad" because chances are he's only living up to labels other people have given him, and tbh it sounds like he feels like he comes a poor second to his parents' work. He's a lonely, rejected child who has no one to trust.

After all that, yanbu to be pissed off at having this foisted on you!

sparkle12mar08 · 26/06/2012 10:05

Why on earth are you allowing your own family and your own children to come second fiddle to this child and his parents?! Your loyalties and resposibilities lie with YOUR OWN CHILDREN!!! This boy is NOT your responsibility! Tell his parents you CANNOT and WILL NOT help and they need to bloody sort it out. I am honestly gob smacked. There is not a cat in hell's chance I would allow my children to be treated this way, not a chance. You are feeding and entertaining this boy, and seem happy to do so for most of the summer holidays as well. That is family food and money you are allowing them to take FROM YOUR CHILDREN! Sort it out for god's sake.

letseatgrandma · 26/06/2012 11:09

Do you actualyl have anything to do with this child's mother or is it just the dad you are friends with? Who does the child live with?

I am saddened by the fact there is a mother out there who is letting someone else (who she doesn't appear to be friends with) look after her very troubled child every day. Is she asking you how he's been at the end of the day? How many hours are you having him for?

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 11:56

I know his mother but we're not friends, we have her number but we only really communicate with her when she texts us to tell us what time she wants him home.

She doesn't ask about him really.

We have him from about 3.30 till about 6/6.30 every day after school, then most saturdays, and of course the holidays.

He lives with both parents equally, they have him 4 days, then 4 days (and so on).

The dad is DH's best friend and lives next door so, yes we are much closer to him.

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letseatgrandma · 26/06/2012 12:27

We have him from about 3.30 till about 6/6.30 every day after school, then most saturdays, and of course the holidays

Blimey! Do both the parents work Saturdays as well?

So in the holidays, will you end up with him from 8.30-6.30 six days a week?

Enough is enough, OP!

fedupofnamechanging · 26/06/2012 12:29

You have this kid as much as if he was yours, extremepie. Sounds like you have him more than his mother does!

Original poster

extremepie · 26/06/2012 12:32

I probably do!

His dad works almost every saturday (1 in 3 off I think) and his mum works every other saturday so more often than not we have him.

It is too much, hence my posting here and now, just got to the point where I have had enough :(

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letseatgrandma · 26/06/2012 12:36

It is far too much. Sit the dad down and say sorry, you are doing

from about 3.30 till about 6/6.30 every day after school, then most saturdays, and of course the holidays.

and it's too much for you. You have your own children and a course (or did I make that up?) and want to start paid employment.

Do the parents not get days off in the week for working Saturdays?

PurplePidjin · 26/06/2012 12:50

No wonder the poor kid's acting up, he's being shunted from pillar to post like an unwanted toy

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