To be feeling a bit stuck?

[extremepie]

We are currently babysitting DF's son, who I will call X for this thread!

X recently got temporarily excluded from school and so we are watching him for the next week while DF is at work during the day as he and his ex both work full time.

I really don't like X, Ihave posted about problems I've had with him before and his constant presence in our house is really stressing me out! As he is supposed to be off school as a punishment, we are under instructions from DF to ensure he does no fun stuff like watching tv or playing with our DS'.

Trouble is DS1 really likes X and is getting really upset because X is not allowed to play with him. Its also getting on my nerves that I can't take my own kids out anywhere fun, like the park, because X isn't supposed to be having any fun!

Basically I'm just really fed up of dealing with X - he isn't my son or my problem but his dad is DH's best friend and if we don't watch him he has nowhere else to go :(
What do I do?

Sorry if that sounded harsh. I think you need to put your foot down though-say it is proving impossible for you to make sure he has no fun when you have other children around who deserve to have some fun! Say the situation is just unfair.

Honestly-it really pisses me off when people who choose to give up a working salary are used like this by people who are still getting paid one! I presume if you'd wanted to home school or be a full time child minder, you would be doing that already!?

Thanks for the suggestion deck I think helping out with chores has got to be better than doing nothing for a week!

Izzy, they give us a 20 quid a week and we supposed to beginning him a packed lunch but so far he's only had one. The money doesn't really bother me as much as the other things but we're not going to turn it down if they offer!

As far as them going part time I can't see that happening as neither of them can afford it. To be honest X has put both of his parents through so much stress lately that I think they are losing the energy to deal with him (I can't blame them really).

I'm just trying to help but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all but I'll feel like a huge bitch if I turn around and say we can't do it anymore :(

School should be providing work for excluded children.

Sorry to be harsh extremepie but you are being a complete and utter mug. I can't believe that people let others take advantage of them like this, I really can't. So what if they can't afford to take time off work? That's not your problem. It's their child and he is in serious trouble and rather than dealing with it they are palming him off on you, someone who isn't even related to him, for 20 bloody quid a week! They are totally and utterly taking the piss out of you. Why should you deal with someone else's difficult child practically for free? And I am absolutely gobsmacked that they expect you to spend the week punishing him - are they for real?? I have never heard such cheek in all my life. If a "friend" even suggested this to me I would drop them like a hot potato because it would signal to me that they had zero respect for me and just saw me as someone to use for cheap convenient childcare.

Your friend is seriously taking the piss, here.

Fist of all, say no to the 6 week holiday. This is not your child and it is up to his parents to sort their lives out and take care of their own dc, not palm him off onto people who don't even like him. This would make me sooo mad - if you wanted to be a CM, then presumably you would already be one. Given that you are not, your 'friend' shouldn't think you will be fine about looking after his dc for this length of time.

I'm afraid you have enabled this situation by being a bit daft and not saying no straight off.

Given that you have the child for this week, then in your situation I would refuse to carry out punishments that he parents cba to enforce and would have a thoroughly nice, fun filled week. Your time will be easier and nicer and his parents will hopefully then not tap you up for free child care over the summer. Fucking cheek, really!

6 weeks you are having him for 6 weeks? Even if you loved x that is a lot of time to have someone else's child!

Agree with pps they need to make time for their own child it could be the reason he's acting out.

You're seriously letting your ds down if you have him over the summer.
Prioritise your family's needs and stop this ridiculous situation.

So you're having him for six weeks in the summer? Why?!

Would your 'friend' do the same for you? If your 'friend' had a couple of weeks off would he take your children for you and have them all day every day? If the answer is no (and I strongly suspect it is) then why are going along with this?

Honestly I think you're mad to be even thinking about doing this

carry on your week like you had planned. you are doing them a favor by having X and he has to fit in round your timetable and activities. have the tv on as normal and go to the park as normal and let the children play as normal. Why should your son be upset. If they want to have a firm punishment for x, the parents should be there to carry it out themselves and it shouldn't let it be down to you. if parents question anything, just explain that you x is fitting in round your family activities

about the 6 week holidays - explain to parents that their DS would have much more fun with children his own age at a play scheme or sports centre activity week. explain to them, that it would be too much for you to have their DC all the time but you are happy to do one day a week.

The thing is I know DF is not deliberately using us, the reason he has asked us to help him is out of feeling like hd has no choice. He can't afford to work part time as he needs the money to pay the rent for his flat and if he were to pay for full time child care or other scheme in the holidays it would leave him broke!

I just can't help thinking about how much harder I would make both their lives if I were to refuse to continue to look after X. I appreciate that it is a difficult situation and not one I would have chosen but if I say no then I am effectively condemning DF to significant financial hardship!

May, I think DF would probably do the same for us, he is DH's best friend and one of the only people who is capable of dealing with DS2, who has ASD (including his own grandparents). The difference is that myself and DH are a couple whereas he has to deal with X on his own, he doesn't really have any support from anyone.

Like I said, I don't want go hurt my own family by helping him out but I know he would help us if we needed it and I can't help wanting to help him.

FWIW we would probably be homeless right now if it weren't for DF so I sort of feel like we owe him!

I don't know I guess I just want to stop feeling guilty and stressed all the time (even though it's probably mh own fault) :(

I agree that you should just fit X into your schedule. His punishment is going to have to be decided by parents, not you. and certainly your Ds hasn't done anything wrong, punishing him for nothing isn't fair at all. Punishment can be chores and other responsibilities, not just exclusion from fun. Why not make his time with you useful rather than unpleasant. Does he know how to iron, or cook or any of those household jobs? Many kids get a lot of pride from learning stuff like that, and becoming more independent can only help him.

I'm sure at first it will feel like punishment to him, but who knows, maybe he'll enjoy having some new skills? it's worth a try!

:( A bit OT but I feel sorry for this kid. No wonder he is having issues at school if his parents dump him at every opportunity. SIX WEEKS?! Why don't they want to spend time with their kid in the holidays? :( poor boy.

But, on topic, YADNBU!!!

Surely the dad gets paid holidays. He could take at least two weeks in the summer to spend with his son.

As for this week, I think you feel you have to do it and I can understand that. You will just have to fit him in to your family.

Please remember though, that he is a sad little boy whos parents (well, his mum at least, as you are so close to his dad and won't hear otherwise) can't be bothered to parent him.

The parents are taking the piss out of you as well as refusing to take responsiblity for the son they have raised.

Some people may disagree, but I feel that 99 % of children who are disruptive are so because of the way the parents behave towards the child. X is their son, they created the problem- either directly or indirectly- and they should be fixing it.

Tell them it's not working out and they need, at least one of them, to take the time to help their son.

Well, if you won't say anything-it looks like you are stuck with it. What's that, then? This week, 6 weeks in the summer, one in October, two at Christmas, any more exclusions.... He's only 12-this could be months and months over the new few years.

I think you are all stuck in a cycle of dependency that appears to be impossible to break. You feel a moral obligation to your dh's friend, he feels that he can call in these moral favours. But whether or not you look after his son in the holidays, it's not acceptable for your home to be currently used as some sort of prison while the boy is excluded from school. You've got to be able to carry on with your own life without putting your dcs under house arrest. So start by doing just that. Getting on with the activities you'd normally do.

So fas as longer term childcare is concerned, is there any particular reason why this couple can't do what everyone else who works full time does and accept that childcare isn't free?

The dad needs to take 2 weeks off over the summer, the mother needs to take a different 2 weeks off and they can use summer clubs/grandparents for the remaining 2 weeks. Maybe you could help them for the last 2 weeks.

It's hard when you have a good friend and want to help them, but there is a difference between helping out and taking responsibility for someone else's child care. As letseatgrandma said, where does it end? There are a lot of school holidays and it's not fair for you to be child minding the friends son for all of them.

I'm really surprised that they are expecting this of you.

Regarding the summer holidays, dad takes 2 weeks off, mum takes another 2 weeks and grandparents/holiday clubs sort the other two. I don't know anyone who would expect a friend to look after their child for the holidays.

OP, I look after a child like 'x' from time to time. He is 14. My own dd is 11 (nearly 12) and could be left while I had to work for short periods and with checking up etc, but my friends son is so bad that his parents simply cannot leave him unattended at all ever. He cannot even be trusted to go to & from school by himself.

He has been excluded and such like before and I really feel bad if my own work commitments mean I can't help, and I do help whenever I can.

Its a tough situation I know. I feel as though my friends need the extra support more than ever, but their ds is an absolute nightmare.

You really need to sit down with your friend and explain things as you have here. He will probably appreciate the honesty, especially if you help him/work with him to find an alternative or compromise. Thats what I had to do, and now I help when I can but do not feel the same pressure I used to ifswim?

Hope you find a solution for you all.

As far as I'm aware DF is only able to take a week off in the summer holidays because he has had to use up so many holiday days dealing with X in the rest of the year. I think we was supposed to be going on holiday twice for a week, once with his mum and once with his dad but that might have been withdrawn now due to the exclusion.

X doesn't really see his grandparents much as they live in a different part of the country.

I've actually just got back from the park with them all as I took your advise and am fitting X around us not the other way around.

I really think DF and his ex need to address the situation with X as his behaviour is just getting worse and worse, no tactic they try for disciplining him seems to work. I do feel a bit sorry for X but I don't know what the solution is to improve things for all of us.

I think we was supposed to be going on holiday twice for a week, once with his mum and once with his dad but that might have been withdrawn now due to the exclusion.

I presume you mean 'he was'?

Surely, even if his parents don't actually take him away (if that's what you mean-the holiday has been cancelled as a punishment for being excluded?), they will still have the time off so can look after their own child?

I think you need to get this sorted ASAP.

OP, I hesitate to be harsh, but I don't think your friend would do the same for you - he wouldn't be able to by what you're saying.

Whatever you do, don't agree to the summer hols. You're really trying to be a good friend, but this just isn't fair. In the end they have to accept their son is their responsibility.

That sounds very similar Miss, X's school is not that far away and DF lives next door to us so X should not need this level of supervision but he just cannot be trusted on his own.

The only way he can get to and from school is if someone takes him to the bus stop and is there to meet him when he gets off!

I feel similarly obliged to help DF because I know how much he has been through with X recently, X broke up his last relationship in addition to all the trouble he's been in at school and he has no support from anyone except us. He works 6 days a week to provide for himself and X and all X seems to do is throw it back in his face. Don't get me wrong, DF has made mistakes with X in the past, he is well aware of this, but he is trying really hard to make things better and is getting nowhere.

I do think maybe we need to have a chat about things though as this situation cannot go on indefinitely, DS 1&2 are due to start school in sept and I have just finished college and am now looking for a full time job so soon we won't be able to help as much!

I hope we can come up with a solution that benefits all of us sometime soon!

You sound like a lovely friend and dashing - it doesn't have to be exact replication of help for friends to want to help one another! (And for the favours to be returned in a different way.)

Its hard when a teen (or almost teen) is so badly behaved that they need constant supervision. Tbh its the reason my friends have had periods of separation, and the dw has had a breakdown, probably caused by all the stress. So its really hard to feel as though you are lumping more on them by not being able to help as much.
I really found that a sympathetic ear, shoulder to cry on and my external view of the situation does help them though. There is very little help around for children this age, social services have been involved with my friends son, but therer is no respite from the daily grind especially when 'x' keeps getting excluded from one school after another.

I agree that you sound like a really good friend and it dioes you credit that you want to help and have clearly gone above and beyond what most others would do....

BUT I also think that you can't fix this on your own. YOU can't talk to the school or sort out summer activities or talk to X about counselling or other options for support, and you can't speak to his mother or his grandparents about doin g their bit. As long as you are coping with it your friend doesn't have to and things carry on until the arrangement falls apart under extreme stress and the poor boy will have been let down again, and will have one less person to rely on and turn to.