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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about porn?

31 replies

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 11:33

I'm not sure if this is more appropriate for Relationships but it is an AIBU.

I'll try and be comprehensive, I really need advice.

This morning I went to go online and I accidentally saw the "recently closed" bit on Google Chrome (easily done with Windows 7 -just getting used to it). It looks like DH was looking at "Free Live Webcam girls" last night and I feel a bit sick about it.

Now I know in an ideal world we'd all be having as much amazing sex as possible. I know life gets in the way sometimes and people sometimes need a bit of "relief". I'm aware DH looks at porn sometimes to help with that...porn doesn't really bother me, and I have no problem with him sorting himself out if he needs to and I'm not in the mood...Lord knows I've done it in the past.

So my AIBU isn't abut porn as such. It's just something about webcam that seems so much more...intimate IYKWIM?

I'm guessing from the fact it was a free site there was no interaction, and I KNOW DH can't work the webcam on our laptop...he's a complete techno-dunce...so I'm not thinking he's actually having an interaction with anyone.

Do men see this as a natural extension from "normal" porn? Is it just voyeurism? AIBU to feel a bit upset about it, seeing as he knows I don't mind him looking at porn on occasion? He's never hidden it from me. I'm not feeling great about myself at the moment, and we rarely get time on our own as our 18 month DD is being very demanding and difficult in the evenings.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 11:34

I'd like to add, I am going to be asking him about it, I just don't want to go in all guns blazing if IABU and men see it as the same as porn. I'd even appreciate men's opinions if there are any lurking about.

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WorraLiberty · 24/06/2012 11:39

I think you'll find there's no such thing as 'free web cam' really. They're just clips that have been recorded previously on cam...so no different to any other 'movie'.

It seems to be an advertising ploy. If people want the 'proper' cam thing, that's when they have to use their credit cards.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 11:42

DH doesn't have a bank account, or credit card at the minute. I'm the only one who does and I know he wouldn't use mine. I thought that might be the case, which was why I thought I might be being a bit silly. I'm thinking he stumbled on it whilst looking at porn. I was just taken aback by my initial reaction. I think I might be a bit more down in the dumps that I realised.

OP posts:
ThisIsAUsername · 24/06/2012 11:43

I always get extra tabs opening on my browser offering 'local dirty sluts live on cam' Hmm and trust me, the most risqué thing I look at online is this AIBU forum.

Could it be something like that? Or are there multiple history results for a similar thing along with other pages, because trust me.. he'd need the other pages as without paying an extortionate amount all he will have seen is a girl wiggling her arse and pretending to be on the phone.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 24/06/2012 11:44

Reading your post makes me sad. I wonder if there are men out there asking themselves or others if they're being unreasonable to feel unahppy about their wives flicking themselves off to webcam images of other men. Somehow I think not.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 11:51

I thought that at first ThisIsAUsername, but it was only those pages. I know when we go on some torrent sites you get free porn pop-ups and they piss me off, but it wasn't that.

Karlos - I take your point, but I don't really have a problem with porn as long as it's use isn't effecting our sex life. Which it isn't. We don't round to it as often, who does with a young child, but when we do, it's still good. He tells me he loves me every day and is always complimenting my appearance, so he's not leaving me feeling unloved. It is only really in those sort of circumstances that I feel porn is a problem.

I think my reaction may be more down to how I'm feeling about myself than anything.

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PlentyOfPubeGardens · 24/06/2012 11:51

YANBU, you don't have to be OK with this. It doesn't matter if other people are.

ThisIsAUsername - that never happens to me. I would suggest a virus scan.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 24/06/2012 12:17

IMHO there are big problems with porn, from an ethical point of view, but that's not your primary concern about the moment. The fact of the matter is that he has little time to devote to your relationship, and he's spedning what free time he does have jerking himself off.

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 12:21

I understand your side of the porn argument Karlos. Maybe my reaction means I'm bothered by it a little more than I care to admit.

He is a good husband, we get on well, don't argue and are honest with each other (as much as is necessary). He's also a great Dad.

I think I may need to let him know how I'm feeling. I'm not the most open about my feelings in all reality. I tend to keep things bottled up when it comes to my own emotions.

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MagicHouse · 24/06/2012 12:29

I think listen to your instincts. You don't like what you saw and that's what matters.

You have to decide what is acceptable for you and talk about it with your dh. Guage his reaction, because he should be putting you first. If your dh says an embarrassed "yes it turns me on, I did have a look, really sorry you're upset about it" that's one thing, if he gets aggressive and defensive and dismissive of you that's not good, and you'll need to talk it through.

ecclesvet · 24/06/2012 12:34

Agree with some other posters, free webcam sites are very common pop-ups when browsing anything vaguely naughty - torrents, free music, porn sites, etc. I wouldn't assume he had gone looking for these without talking to him first to be honest. Do you know what the site was called?

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 13:02

Thanks for the responses. He'd never get aggressive with me, I know that much. I think he'd be embarrassed more than anything.

I'm normally very laid back, and am not jealous by nature. I am however insecure and I think that may be the issue. I'm still trying to lose baby weight and I always had a "could eat whatever and not gain an ounce" figure, so it' taking some getting used to. DH is very complimentary of me all the time...so it's not his behaviour that's causing my insecurities, obviously apart from this...but I'm smart enough to know it' mainly my issue.

Now I feel like I've got a load more shit to get out but don't want to get off topic in AIBU...

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Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 13:02

Excuse the typos...I'm sporting new fake nails and I'm having trouble getting used to them >_

OP posts:
chipsandmushypeas · 24/06/2012 13:05

I've been where you are op, are my heart sunk even though I was fully aware he looked at it sometimes. I'm sure the webcam is a pop up that opens with free porn sites as I saw that on history too.

Sorry it's made you feel poo about yourself, I really wouldn't let it

Original poster
ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 24/06/2012 13:07

You're probably right mushypeas...I can't help but feel if I was totally secure and happy in myself it probably wouldn't have bothered me a jot.

OP posts:
AliceHurled · 24/06/2012 13:13

It's ok to not be ok about porn and web cams. Sounds to me like there's more going on that might be worth discussing in relationships if when this thread turns into a bun fight. I don't think you should have to bury your gut feelings on this.

Re your question about men seeing web cams as the same as porn, yes my partner would. He'd see both as derogatory to women and not something he'd want to be involved in. Not all men use porn.

AliceHurled · 24/06/2012 13:15

Scarlet, you don't need to take it on yourself. Being secure and happy in yourself doesn't mean you have to be ok with porn. I'm very secure and happy. Still hate porn. The two aren't connected.

dreamingbohemian · 24/06/2012 13:18

I think it's interesting that you say that before you talk to him, you want to know how men feel about these sites. Because really, it doesn't matter what men think about these sites, or even what your DH thinks about them. If you're not comfortable with it, that's completely valid and really the end of the issue. I'd just ask him about it and explain you don't like it.

Btw try not to let the baby weight thing get to you... I know it sucks, my DS is two and I still have some myself. At some point you'll have time to do something about it but try not to worry about it now (I know it's hard though!)

dreamingbohemian · 24/06/2012 13:21

Great point, Alice. I think it's a really harmful myth that gets promoted a lot, that if you're a confident sexy woman you're okay with porn and only insecure jealous women don't like it.

It's okay to not like porn and to expect your partner not to use it. Lots of men don't.

WhiteWidow · 24/06/2012 14:11

I don't mind my partner watching porn (we do it together) but I'd be a bit :/ if he'd been doing it on the sly, and it's a web cam one as well!

redyam · 24/06/2012 14:15

Plenty of women use porn and are perfectly happy with it:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1502274-Bit-uncomfortable-knowing-everyone-who-is-reading-porn

Sallyingforth · 24/06/2012 14:41

Agree with redyam. The reaction to porn on here seems a bit one-sided.

AliceHurled · 24/06/2012 15:00

The book referred to is a work of fiction. It's not real people doing real things. The women in porn or on web cams are really doing those things, they are really feeling any physical and emotional responses just like any human would. Of course they are acting to show the viewer what they want to see and believe, but the activity taking place is still real.

That book is a total heap of shit for a whole host of reasons but you can't conflate some words on a page that are made up with images of women actually doing those things.

jellyjones · 24/06/2012 15:29

i think porn has a part to play in a relationship

but at the end of the day my take on it is that i am an adult, i can choose what i want to watch, same goes for my husband. if i want to spend half an hour watching people do extreme things with jelly, i will do.

doesnt bother me in the slightest as long as its legal.

jellyjones · 24/06/2012 15:30

Plenty of women use porn and are perfectly happy with it

of course they do. shock horror this isnt the 1950s, we are allowed to have sexual desire and to decide for ourselves what turns us on