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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow DS to invite only 1 of the siblings to his party?

34 replies

heliumballoons · 23/06/2012 17:56

I'll try and put it all here as don't want to drip feed.

My friend has 2 DC's. 1 is 11 months older than DS but the same school year and the other 6 months younger so closer in age. They attended the same day nursery, go to different schools, but same community after school club. (Surestart/minibus)

Due to her DC's birthdays being 3 months apart she does a joint birthday on the middle month - her DC's invite their friends and DS gets invited as an extra guest so they can invite the same number iyswim?

This year she said she had booked the party, said her DC's were inviting X number each and so she was expecting there would be Y number. No mention of DS. I spoke to DS and said it seemed he wouldn't be invited and he had to accept this as they would invite their schoolfriends. He was fine with this.

When in town one day she popped into the shop to get invites and her DC2 said to DS he wasn't going because they both wanted to invite the same number of friends. DS said OK. The DC2 kept going on and DS said he wasn't bothered about not going.

Roll on now when I'm organising DS birthday treat. Money is tight, his birthday is school holidays, so I'm doing a game of bowling and Maccy D's for him and 5 friends. Party treat is only for 1.5 hours and is no thrills. It is to be next month before they break up as historically people say they'll come during school holidays and then can't/ don't.

DS decided he wanted to invite 2 school friends, 1 boy from our road and 2 girls from after school club, of which one is friends DC1.

Friend RSVP'd that her DC1 couldn't go. As yet DS has not decided who to invite instead. He is pragmatic and overthinks things is thinking it should be a girl and someone else from club so the other girl has a friend there!

So today we were out at a local park and see this girl. She introduces me to her father who was there and we talk about the party. He didn't know me so was nice to meet him. I do not know the mum either mind!

So whilst we all sat having a drink the girl says to DS ' DC1 is really upset her mum won't let her go to the party'. DS says he knows she can't go and he's sad too. The girl then says she can go but her mum won't let her without her sibling as all 3 DC's are friends. Girl shows a text (yes I know 8yos with mobiles!) from DC1 that says as much and that shes really cross her mum said she cannot go as her sister threw a tantrum over it.

I did not get involved with the list DS wrote, he made the decision himself. I know he finds the DC2 hard work, plus she's in Infants and them juniors. I do wonder if he did have some ind of payback in mind for her going on about how he wasn't invited to theirs (DC1 didn't mention it just didn't give an invite iyswim?). I do not think my DS has the social skills it in him to be manipulative and cruel this way though.

I rang my friend and asked her about it. She basically said it was unfair to exclude 1.

So AIBU to have let DS invite the 1 sibling?

OP posts:
scuzy · 23/06/2012 18:00

sorry OP but no matter how many times i read that i wont understand all the goings on before hand. will one other kid attending make a difference? really? its like gifts ... do you give to receive? then do you invite based on whether you were invited or not?

TheSpokenNerd · 23/06/2012 18:03

I think you should do as I am doig with my DD who is turning 8 during the hols and not have a loody party.

We have a v tight budget like you and I got tired of trying to work out the best deal for no money and decided DD could have a day at a theme park and a nice gift.

There. All this feeling like you MUST have a party is stupid and I am done with it.

[hlepful]

TheSpokenNerd · 23/06/2012 18:03

Also I am with scuzy...your explanation is confsing....who is the girl and where does she come into it all? Is she in fact "the friend with sibs" that you mention at the start?

Bigwheel · 23/06/2012 18:05

I'm confused. So your inviting one of your friends kids, either the 11 month older one or the 6 month younger one but not the other? Is that the issue?

knackeredmother · 23/06/2012 18:06

I have a headache.....

RandomMess · 23/06/2012 18:06

No YANBU, it was your ds' choice. They are 2 seperate individuals and will get invited by different people to different things, that's life tough.

ENormaSnob · 23/06/2012 18:22

So no invite for your ds from her dc?

But she expects both of hers to be invited?

Yanbu

Sandalwood · 23/06/2012 18:23

I understand it.
yanbu

BackforGood · 23/06/2012 18:24

I've understood.
No, YANBU to let your dc invite who he wants to his party.
No, YANBU to invite one sibling without feeling obliged to invite another.
Yes, the other Mum is BU to stop her older child going to a party because the younger one isn't invited.
No, YANBU to have a limit on numbers and stick to it. Particularly in this case as there's no point in having a bowling lane filled with 6 dc and then a separate one child who doesn't fit in the lane!

Original poster
heliumballoons · 23/06/2012 18:35

Thats about right back Grin

Usually (historically) we have invited each others DC to the parties. We stay at the party to help and keep the other one company.

This year there was no invite for DS. Fair enough, but her DC2 made a huge deal of it to him.

DS decided to invite DC1 as they are the same school year, share bus to school (altho different schools!), play at school club together and attend the same swimming lesson. DC2 and him do not play at school club together very often.

DC1 is not allowed to attend because DC2 had a tantrum about it. I cannot invite DC2 because it is bowling therefore 6 people can attend - less in fine and cheaper!

I am having this this year for DS as the past few years he has had nothing or a home party where half have turned up who RSPV'd attendence due to it being school holidays.

OP posts:
Original poster
heliumballoons · 23/06/2012 18:37

Sorry see my mistake in the OP Blush

The girl we saw at the park is the girl from after school club who goes to school with DC1.

OP posts:
AdventuresWithVoles · 23/06/2012 18:44

Everything Back4Good said.

twooter · 23/06/2012 18:53

Agree with back for good. Your friend is being very weird

Bestb411pm · 23/06/2012 19:12

Yanbu, does their mum not understand there's a limit on numbers, or remember letting her two choose their own guest list for their party? Kids grow up and the whole party business changes.

She sounds a bit nuts IMHO, if you want to salvage something perhaps arrange some activity for the three of them over the holidays near you ds's birthday, but I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to play mediator over her peculiar set of rules.

clam · 23/06/2012 19:22

Eh? Still confused.

Dinosaurdrip · 23/06/2012 19:27

I have 2ds who are 17 months apart in age and go to the same nursery and I and they do not say a word when one is invited to a party and the other not. Recently they have started to both be invited but as they will be in different school years I know this will change but I really don't think it should be an issue.

At ds1's last birthday one mum called and asked if her older son8 could come along as his dsis always got invited to nursery parties but him not so much to his friends parties. Party was at a soft play area and she was paying for him to come along so not an issue but if it was gonna make me out of pocket I would have been a bit Hmm

Dinosaurdrip · 23/06/2012 19:27

Btw yanbu.

confusedpixie · 23/06/2012 19:30

YANBU, how ridiculous of the child's mother! I used to play very well with my sister and her friend's, we'd never invite one another to each other's parties though Confused

SummerRain · 23/06/2012 19:31

YANBU

I hate moms who get involved in kids politics

exoticfruits · 23/06/2012 19:40

I got totally confused, but just invite who you want to invite. Same with twins-they are separate and you can have one without the other!

MagicHouse · 23/06/2012 20:04

YANBU. It all sounds very complicated, but to invite just one friend was fine. Did she understand why only one was invited, maybe that's why she was upset? (Though having said that, neither did she explain why your DS was suddenly no longer welcome at her parties)

My DD is just getting into all this invite business - I didn't realise there are all sorts of undercurrents to party invites/ non invites/ refusals. It's best just to keep out of it!

I would let it all blow over, sounds like you and your friend may well be drifting apart?

CrapBag · 23/06/2012 20:23

YANBU.

It is your DS' birthday treat, he should be able to invite exactly who he wants to, regardless of what parent he is upsetting. The other mother should grow up and realise her DCs are separate people who will grow up to have separate friends and they do not have to be invited to everything together.

ceebeegeebies · 23/06/2012 20:32

Have to admit I was confused but agree with a previous poster - one mum, a few years ago, said that she had no-one to look after an older sibling so she asked if she could come along to the party and offered to pay for her place which I didn't mind at all (particularly as the older sibling attended the same nursery so DS1 did know her).

Maybe suggest to the other mum that the other sibling can attend if she pays for it??

Original poster
heliumballoons · 23/06/2012 20:54

Sorry for confusing everyone. Blush

Simply: My friend has 2 DC's. They have always attended each others parties as we are friends. The DC's have always wanted each other there as well. DC's attended nursery together and that is how the friendship formed 6 years ago.

They are older now so although still see each other out of school a lot they have firmer friendships in school. They also attend the same out of school club - it feeds the town and friend DC1 is in the same swimming lesson group as DS now as when she completed the last stage she asked if she could go into DS group time. They have become friends socially by choice instead of just through my friend and I continuing friendship after nursery iyswim?

So this year DS wasn't invited to their party - fair enough.

DS asked if he could invite DC1 to his - of course his choice.

DC1 isn't allowed to go as DC2 isn't invited.

The saying she could pay is a great idea but there will not be room on the lane for another person - hence the restriction in numbers.

DS did ask me if he had to invite DC 1&2 and I said no he could invite who he wanted. He then said he wanted DC1 there.

It's not about tit for tat inviting - I hate that more than anything tbh.

OP posts:
iloveACK · 23/06/2012 21:01

I understood the first time & think Back4good said it perfectly.