To allow DS to invite only 1 of the siblings to his party?

[heliumballoons]

I'll try and put it all here as don't want to drip feed.

My friend has 2 DC's. 1 is 11 months older than DS but the same school year and the other 6 months younger so closer in age. They attended the same day nursery, go to different schools, but same community after school club. (Surestart/minibus)

Due to her DC's birthdays being 3 months apart she does a joint birthday on the middle month - her DC's invite their friends and DS gets invited as an extra guest so they can invite the same number iyswim?

This year she said she had booked the party, said her DC's were inviting X number each and so she was expecting there would be Y number. No mention of DS. I spoke to DS and said it seemed he wouldn't be invited and he had to accept this as they would invite their schoolfriends. He was fine with this.

When in town one day she popped into the shop to get invites and her DC2 said to DS he wasn't going because they both wanted to invite the same number of friends. DS said OK. The DC2 kept going on and DS said he wasn't bothered about not going.

Roll on now when I'm organising DS birthday treat. Money is tight, his birthday is school holidays, so I'm doing a game of bowling and Maccy D's for him and 5 friends. Party treat is only for 1.5 hours and is no thrills. It is to be next month before they break up as historically people say they'll come during school holidays and then can't/ don't.

DS decided he wanted to invite 2 school friends, 1 boy from our road and 2 girls from after school club, of which one is friends DC1.

Friend RSVP'd that her DC1 couldn't go. As yet DS has not decided who to invite instead. He is pragmatic and overthinks things is thinking it should be a girl and someone else from club so the other girl has a friend there!

So today we were out at a local park and see this girl. She introduces me to her father who was there and we talk about the party. He didn't know me so was nice to meet him. I do not know the mum either mind!

So whilst we all sat having a drink the girl says to DS ' DC1 is really upset her mum won't let her go to the party'. DS says he knows she can't go and he's sad too. The girl then says she can go but her mum won't let her without her sibling as all 3 DC's are friends. Girl shows a text (yes I know 8yos with mobiles!) from DC1 that says as much and that shes really cross her mum said she cannot go as her sister threw a tantrum over it.

I did not get involved with the list DS wrote, he made the decision himself. I know he finds the DC2 hard work, plus she's in Infants and them juniors. I do wonder if he did have some ind of payback in mind for her going on about how he wasn't invited to theirs (DC1 didn't mention it just didn't give an invite iyswim?). I do not think my DS has the social skills it in him to be manipulative and cruel this way though.

I rang my friend and asked her about it. She basically said it was unfair to exclude 1.

So AIBU to have let DS invite the 1 sibling?

I think YANBU and if the kids and/or their mother mention it again you or your son can explain there is a cap on numbers and that anyway they only invited one of your kids to their kid's party and neither you nor your kids made a fuss so what's the big deal? As they get older they will have fewer and fewer joint invites to things as they will have different friends. The mum should have explained to her younger daughter that she can't expect to go to the same parties as her older sister and that anyway she didn't invite x to her party so can't have a hissy fit if she doesn't get an invite to his.
Agree this mother is getting overinvolved in her kids' lives.

I think it's fair enough for your DC to invite his best 5 friends and if it only involves one of your friends DC's, then that's fine too. Her kids aren't joined at the hip and surely she can do something nice with the one not attending. Ice cream or what ever.

The other mum is a bit mad. My brother and I are only 13 months apart and we've always been very close and shared a lot of friends. We didn't always get invited to the same parties and it was never an issue. You just have to accept your children won't always be invited to the same events. That's just life surely!

I understood this fine without needing to reread it.
YANBU
Your son chose 5 guests. His choice. That is not unreasonable.
He wasn't invited to theirs so no need for a duty return invite (hate them anyway). They are individuals with an age gap not joined at the hip.
If their mum cannot see that and is depriving one cos the other stropped then their loss, sorry for the DD 'banned' from attending.

Suggest your son asks the other girl who else she gets on with from club- male or female - and asks him/her. It may be the girl will enjoy being the only girl there and the attention that brings

I really wouldn't cave. I would simply restate to your friend that you have a lane for five and your DS is closest to your eldest as they are similar in age.
If she whines on in Alanis Morisette stylee about it being sooo un -fair-air
then say you understand and that he will have to invite another. You could add that neither you nor son complained about her problems with even numbers/that your son didn't kick off about not being asked to theirs but I think this drags you down to her level/comes over as petty.

Thanks everyone. I'm glad INBU as I really was trying to work out how to accomodate DC2 - despite feeling I really shouldn't have to.

My friend is due to visit later so I'll talk to her then face to face. I'll just explain he chose his guests, and will choose someone else but that clearly our DC's have got to the point where they make these decisions - and be should be allowed to.

It is nartural that he gets on better with the dd1 as she is in his year group, so have been together for longer and she sounds lower maintenance you are in no way BU. Dd1's best friend has a sister only 12 months older, and dd1 is in age between the two, but I wouldn't dream of expecting her to invite the older girl to her party. Ditto dd2 only invited the girl twin, and the girl's mother was pleased as her son had had his own parties to go to. At age. They should be able to choose their own friends to invite, as long as they don't rub it in other's faces when they aren't invited. Neither of them wanted to invite ds, so can't be really close. You don't need to justify your invites, I bet that her dd2 isn't usually invited to all her big sister's parties, your friend is just annoyed that she has to deal with her dream queen child. With only 5 people she is lucky that either child had a look in.

I understood it! And I thought YWNBU.

I thought you said somewhere in the middle of that about not getting too involved.

Your Ds is not the only one over thinking things. Unclench!!

The number of parties I went to as a kid, I was the only girl and two years younger than everyone else. Why? I had an older brother so I got the DC2 invite. I didn't want to go to the parties, bro didn't want me there, other kids didn't want me there.

YANBU