To think that young childrenr respect men more than women.

[NowThenWreck]

I am a lone parent of one boy, nearly 6. Lately he has been quite hard work-rude, tantrummy, argumentative.
Probably directly related to the fact that I have been quite busy and stressed, worried about money etc, so maybe he is feeling anxious, but his behaviour can be pretty terrible towards his grandmas as well.
Even his teacher has commented that he is not keen on doing what he is asked (I established that he is not rude to his teachers, just not very biddable).

Every reasonable request from me seems to be met with foot stamping/whining/ shouting.
Ds gets pocket money on Saturday, after he has tidied his room and done his one household job of putting all the clean socks in pairs, and in the drawer.
He used to enjoy this task, and I make sure I am grateful for his help e.g "thanks ds-you are being a big help".
We also have a star chart, where he gets a star for good things he does (not chores because he has to do those anyway) but things like taking his plate to the kitchen after tea without being asked etc.

The other day we were at my mums. He always plays up there, partly because he has my mum wrapped around his little finger, and partly because she continually undermines my authority e.g rolling her eyes when I pull him up on something, or talking over me.

The thing is, my brother was there the other day, and when ds ran into the room and attempted to grab the remains of the cake from the table (I just spotted him and grabbed his arm before he stuck his hand in the cake) DB picked him up, took him into the living room, plonked him on the sofa and said very firmly "stay there!"
And ds did exactly what DB said. After five minutes DB went in, told him in no uncertain terms what he did was not acceptable, and got an apology, after which ds was fine.

The thing is, I do do time out etc, but it just seems to result in much screaming and door slamming. I just feel like I have no real authority, and like my son does not really respect the women in his life.
Maybe part of the problem is that he is much adored by his grandmas (and me) but I can't help feeling like If I was a man, he would respect me more.

Feeling like a shit parent at the moment, and not sure what to do!

Nothing to do with sex IMO

It's to do with authority and discipline

I doubt it is gender related.. at 6 he is old enough to know which adults in his life are the soft touches, and which ones are not.

Sounds like your DB is a good influence on him though, and they should spend more time in each others company.

It'll be the tone of voice etc.

But in your case your DS might not be used to male authority anyway. That's why male teachers are craved in schools.

My ds is only 2 and really looks up to men. Not so fussed about ladies - possibly because he's cares for them and has less contact with men (DH is around but more widely I mean)

it's a combination of tone of voice, how familiar they are with the person, how scary the person looks

Mum always tends to get it, because you're always there. And they know you inside out and upside down, so they know if you are firm or not, when you mean something or if a no can be turned into a yes.

Whereas a more unfamiliar person is more scary. particularly if they do The Look and The Voice

i don't think it's anything to do with gender. My sister is bloody amazing with my kids. puts the fear of god into them with a single raised eyebrow

(not actual fear! just that she says do something and they do it!)

Really take time to look at what your brother did and how it differed from what you do, there may be something there you've missed.

Nope sorry. No such easy get out clause for you. If he doesnt respect your authority it is down to the individual dynamics you have set out in your household.
Nothingto do with any inate respect for males i am a single parent (female) and manage just fine thanks.

The thing is, my mum thinks I am way too strict, and the only married w/ kids friend I know lets her kids get away with a lot more, so not sure I am a soft touch.
But I do feel I have no authority. Unless I threaten, for example "If you do that again you can't ride your scooter to school"
Met with much screaming, then eventual aquiesence. But is knackering, and I am finding the constant battles really draining.

Oh, well, thanks for that The Dreaded.

Hi I don't think it has anything to do with sex tbh. I have a dd 14 and a ds 4 and ds in particular can be a monster for other people including my brother and his grandad but he never plays up to that extent for me. I have what my partner calls a death stare which send them scrambling to please me I think it more to do with respect and rules, maybe your brother stumbled across a discipline that works for your son? I'm certain you are a great mum by the way we all doubt ourselves sometimes.

The words you used, "no uncertain terms" and "said very firmly" imply that you are less firm and less certain when you deal with your DS. My guess is that's probably where your problem lies.

Maybe you do try and enforce high standards, but if you're not doing it effectively and in an authoritative manner, you're fighting a losing battle.

Thanks Hecate and Mama. I have though and thought about what DB did different, and truly the answer is -nothing. He said "I don't think so", picked him up, and plonked him in time out.
Exactly what I would have done.
Although, I maybe wouldn't at my mums, because she would tut and say "Oh for God's sake".
Funny, she didn't do that to DB...
Ds does not have very much contact with men, but I really have noticed that he is different with them. He does look up to them in a different way.

I think familiarity can breed contempt, and so people with less contact can sometimes wield more power.

The things is, if our approach isn't working, it's a sign we need to re-think, and sometimes, ironically, it's not about doing more, it's about doing less - a quieter voice, less talking, a lower calmer tone, not allowing confrontations to escalate, or escalating them ourselves through raising voices. All this is hard when we are feeling at a loss.

I have 2 boys, and both, in turn, have been difficult at 6, suddenly a bit ruder, trying out being challenging, contradictory or bolshie. I started to realise I was talking to them and reacting to them as if they were teens, not still little children. And that was because I was panicking just a little bit and assuming that they were bound for deliquency.

I think it goes deeper than threatening things. You need to really feel, and then convey, that you can expect him to behave.

I found the books

How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and
Playful Parenting helpful

TheDreadedFoosa perhaps it would be helpful if you suggested to the OP what works for you, rather than being sarky, as she's already said she feels a bit low at the moment?

Maybe it's that lack of consistency then? He knows you are reluctant to act at your mums and so plays on that. For what its worth my mum also says I am too hard on ds but that doesn't affect me,(other than irritate me) my son my choice.

The thing about your brother's example is that it was swift and did not involve any threats beforehand. It worked because it shocked your son and the consequence was right there and then

On the minus side, maybe in the longer term, relying on physical force to discipline wouldn't work. Maybe he was actually scared of your brother? (I'm just making suggestions here, no slight intended on your brother)

Yes, Jamie, I think that is it, exactly. You have totally clarified how I feel. I know I am not doing the right things in the right way-it's obvious, I just am a bit at a loss what to change iyswim.

And, yes, It is scarily like dealing with a teen
lately. I have been thinking-surely this is not normal for a 6 year old?? So it's good to hear it's not just mine.

For the record, I am not implying that men are better at parenting or naturally do have more authority, just that it annoys me that ds looks up to his uncles in a way he doesn't look up to me!

I think my OP makes me sound a bit wussy too-actually I have pretty strict rules about manners and being helpful which none of my friends have, and one of the reasons for this is that, because we are just the two of us, and sometimes have a laugh together, I need to make sure there are clear boundries.

I suppose I am floundering now, because what was working, isn't now.
I will check out those books for sure.

I am so not being consistent Mama1980.

It has a lot to do with familiarity. Your DS knows you and your mum but is a bit more wary of your brother's authority because, presumably he does not see him often.

I can't really understand how your opening post relates to your thread title.

It's clear from your post that your DS listened to what your DB told him.

But how that relates to generally thinking other children (or even your own child) respect men more than women is unclear.

I think children respect/disrespect people and authority in general.

It's all to do with boundaries and whether the child is continually allowed to cross them or not.

Parenting is so hard because what works at one age, or for one child, stops working.

I think that, whatever the problems, I have always made it worse, not better, by worrying about the future. Plenty of us had difficult children at one age or another. but worrying alone is fruitless and alters our emotional state, which children sure as hell pick up on.

Remember you are the adult
I would also say, as much as you possibly can ignore the kerfuffle that goes round him complying with requests. Expect him to do things, but at this stage, don't rise to the protests and expect him to be happy about it. Don't respond to the moaning or rudeness. Let him see you are in charge whether he shouts and screams or not.

Then after a confrontation, always talk to him about it calmly and have a cuddle

My Dad called it using a 'Stentorian' voice, which basically means loud & powerful, I believe.

Men can get their voices deeper & if they speak firmly then most kids will take notice. Especially if they aren't used to being told off by the person doing it anyway.
It used to drive me mad. I could battle for hours with my boys & one word from my Dad & they'd do it straight away.

Of course most children tend to be at their worst for their Mothers anyway IME.

Worra-It probably doesn't. I was just thinking, to myself, how ds responds to all his uncles, and my male friends, as opposed to women.

Yabu

Nothing to do with gender IMO.

You need to tell your mum to stop undermining you.

Sorry - me again

Re-reading you OP - you mum contradicting you will make him think it's well worth making a fuss in the hope you'll back down. Think carefully about whether there are some things you can back off a bit and relax about, in order to concentrate on the most fundamental rules, but if you conclude you are on the right track, stick to your guns.

You may need to talk to your mum about not contradicting you in front of him.

It's definitely people they don't see as often, rather than anything based on gender. DS behaves much worse when he's tired etc with me or DP than he would with DP's sister or anyone else, but when DP first moved in DS was much better behaved for him than he is now.

It's like at first they are cautious and then they work out who they can push boundaries with and then they will test those boundaries either constantly or every now and again. You just need to find out what works between you and DS and be prepared to tweak it as he gets older too.

I second how to talk so kids will listen :)

Jamie-so when you say don't respond to moaning and rudeness-
say I ask ds to do something, and he responds in a rude way, should I ignore it?
I don't want him to think it's acceptable to me in that way,but I will ignore it if you think it will help generally.
I feel really sad, because he used to think I was the cats pyjamas.

I am chuckling to myself at the "talk to your mum" suggestions, well meant I know.
I have tried(and tried).

Look in the dictionary for the words Passive-Aggressive. See that picture under it?
That's my mum, that is.