To think that young childrenr respect men more than women.

[NowThenWreck]

I am a lone parent of one boy, nearly 6. Lately he has been quite hard work-rude, tantrummy, argumentative.
Probably directly related to the fact that I have been quite busy and stressed, worried about money etc, so maybe he is feeling anxious, but his behaviour can be pretty terrible towards his grandmas as well.
Even his teacher has commented that he is not keen on doing what he is asked (I established that he is not rude to his teachers, just not very biddable).

Every reasonable request from me seems to be met with foot stamping/whining/ shouting.
Ds gets pocket money on Saturday, after he has tidied his room and done his one household job of putting all the clean socks in pairs, and in the drawer.
He used to enjoy this task, and I make sure I am grateful for his help e.g "thanks ds-you are being a big help".
We also have a star chart, where he gets a star for good things he does (not chores because he has to do those anyway) but things like taking his plate to the kitchen after tea without being asked etc.

The other day we were at my mums. He always plays up there, partly because he has my mum wrapped around his little finger, and partly because she continually undermines my authority e.g rolling her eyes when I pull him up on something, or talking over me.

The thing is, my brother was there the other day, and when ds ran into the room and attempted to grab the remains of the cake from the table (I just spotted him and grabbed his arm before he stuck his hand in the cake) DB picked him up, took him into the living room, plonked him on the sofa and said very firmly "stay there!"
And ds did exactly what DB said. After five minutes DB went in, told him in no uncertain terms what he did was not acceptable, and got an apology, after which ds was fine.

The thing is, I do do time out etc, but it just seems to result in much screaming and door slamming. I just feel like I have no real authority, and like my son does not really respect the women in his life.
Maybe part of the problem is that he is much adored by his grandmas (and me) but I can't help feeling like If I was a man, he would respect me more.

Feeling like a shit parent at the moment, and not sure what to do!

Yes, ignore the rude, the rude is a smokescreen to sidetrack you. Do the broken record about the thing you want done. Praise when he does it. Later talk to him about the rudeness. Unless it is really bad, like swearing at or hitting you, which I would punish in itself.

Am currently reading Playful Parenting. Only a few chapters in but already transforming my relationship with my 6yo DD.

He still thinks you are the cats pyjamas

Playful Parenting is good because it gets you to think about their needs and win-win situations. Using fun and humour to get what you want without animosity

Also, what works with mine:

Challenging - I bet you can't get up the stairs in 10 seconds, I will race you to the bedroom

Counting down from 10 or 5, to 0

The cats poo stained pyjamas, maybe

I will order Playful parenting when I get paid.

I know there are those who are Xena warrior princess single mums, who find it all really easy, but honestly I am finding it all really HARD lately.
From the council tax bill to the rushing to and from school/work to the supermarket stress.
I do sometimes wish I had a husband who would back me up with ds, make the tea once in a while and fix the broken blind in the kitchen.

It is hard. I find it hard at times and I'm not single.

Two factors are crucial ime and neither is to do with gender:

a) familiarity (most children will behave better for the headteacher of their new school than for their mother)

b) personal authority (ds behaves better for me than he does for his dad, some teachers get more respect than others)

According to the book on child development I had as a textbook in Sixth Form (compulsory subject in Sweden in those days), the age of 6, along with the age of 2 and 4, is one of the difficult ages. Don't know if it's true, but you might be able to get some consolation out of the thought.

What I have found, anyway, is that these things go in phases, so the child that was difficult at 6 might not be the difficult one at 12. Ds was an absolute little delight at 6. Challenges every word at 12. I still hope to see him a civilised human being at 16.

I think you need a unified approach to children and parents. When MIL tried to contradict me when I told one of my stepsons not to do something DH pointed out that interrupting was rude and would result in being sent to the naughty step. Thus far MIL has avoided being sent to the naughty step but you have to be willing to follow through on your threats

I have been looking at How to talk so kids will listen, and read the Amazon reviews. Definitely getting that as well.

I am quite a playful parent already (when I am not shouting or wibbling) and we have lots of daft games e.g when ds cleans his teeth, his two rows of teeth are two streets getting ready for a street party and they have to be super shiny, especially the old ladies houses at the very ends of the terrace.

Reading that back, I sound insane!

But, yes, our only saving grace at the moment is that we still chase each other round the flat, laughing like drains,and play Spiderman on my bed etc.

Maybe it's hard to switch from that, to being an authority figure?

How I would love to put my mother on the naughty step...

No, it's not that. You sound great. Also read "I'm Ok, you're a Brat" .

It sounds to me like you are suffering a crisis of confidence allied with a change in how your DS is behaving an relating to you.

It's nothing to do with male authority, and everything to do with the fact that sometimes our own kids just don't listen to their parents.

I run groups for kids and young people, and often get asked "How do you keep them all under control". And everytime my reply is always "I didn't give birth to any of them!"

For your own sanity, accept your DS is pushing boundaries, and testing his own authority. He's doing it with you most of all because he knows you love him and you won't leave him if he's a little sod. Gird your loins, and let it wash over you. It shows you're doing it right - tantrums are a normal part of development at that age.

It's totally normal. Sorry I can't be more help.

Great post PleasantlySurprised