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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think I fucked up slightly

29 replies

CrunchyFrog · 23/06/2012 10:10

Have a good, amicable relationship with XH, but he does not take any responsibility for decisions relating to the kids (vaccinations, schools, medical issues, etc)

I told DD she could have her ears pierced at the start of the school holidays. She's 8.9 years old, very mature and knows it will hurt/ need aftercare. I didn't check with XH first.

He's told her he doesn't want her to do it.

WIBVU to not consult him? They're her ears, and just didn't seem like a big, life changing deal to me (with my 6 in each ear plus nose piercing...)

Yikes. How do I fix it? There is no compromise, either she gets them done now (her preference and mine) or waits until next summer or whenever he decides it's OK.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 23/06/2012 10:13

I have a dd the same age and I think this has to be a joint decision. I would e furious if dh did this to dd.

EmmaNemms · 23/06/2012 10:14

I think she's old enough and given that he's a bit hands off, I don't think you are BU. i dont think its a massive deal and you sound surprised he has an opinion. It would be a shame to fall out over it though. How you fix it I don't quite know, perhaps let her nag him till he gives in?

Original poster
CrunchyFrog · 23/06/2012 10:18

He sees them regularly and pays child support, but for literally everything else (even down to what school they go to, activities, everything) he has always just said "whatever you think is best."

He hasn't said anything to me though.

OP posts:
planetpotty · 23/06/2012 10:29

Just from another perspective I have a DSD and there would (quite rightly IMO) be riots if her Dad pierced her ears in the situation you're in.

I think the best thing is to talk to your ex and explain and come to a compromise. The ear piercing issue comes up and divides couples who are still together and they compromise - it may be more that your ex feels this is a big thing that you've promised without involving him rather than he is actually against ear piercing as I'm sure he realises she will get them done at some point.

8 seems a reasonable age - my advice have a conversation with ex it's not a huge deal in the big scheme of things Smile

squeakytoy · 23/06/2012 10:30

I would just speak to him about it.

Original poster
CrunchyFrog · 23/06/2012 10:34

God, Squeaky, don't be so REASONABLE. Wink

OP posts:
TheSpokenNerd · 23/06/2012 10:52

I told my DD who is almost 8 that she could have hers done for her birthday...she was desperate....lke you I never thought it a big deal...mentioned it to DH and he said NO WAY!!!

I explained to DD...I said tht it ha to be a joint descision and Ihad made a mistake...she took it on board with no problem.

Dawndonna · 23/06/2012 10:56

I'm with Squeaky, just have a chat, say that you didn't think he needed to be consulted because you didn't think it was that big a deal, but as dd has told you it is a bigger deal than you thought, does he want to talk it over with you both.
Peasy.

planetpotty · 23/06/2012 11:01

Maybe this is a bigger deal for Dads (especially those who are non resident) as they feel they are losing their little girl?

peeriebear · 23/06/2012 11:01

I think she's old enough to decide she wants them done. Just ask him why he's so against it.

trixie123 · 23/06/2012 11:01

Just imagine the situation reversed. What if she asked him about this or some other issue and he said yes without consulting you?

Original poster
CrunchyFrog · 23/06/2012 11:08

I would be very, very surprised, Trixie, but I would also kill him dead. Hence my belated realisation that I have BU because apparently it's a big deal to some people.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 23/06/2012 11:11

Perhaps he feels it is too grown up? Or he is realising that his little girl is growing up & trying to halt that by saying no?

Original poster
CrunchyFrog · 23/06/2012 11:15

Maybe. I dislike earrings on babies, but not for aesthetic reasons, just choice/ safety. DD is well able to look after herself and make decisions about her own body.

I'll have to talk to him goodbye fragile amicability.

OP posts:
Joiningthegang · 23/06/2012 11:41

If my dh did this without asking me (she's 10), I would be beyond angry. And we are still married !

It's not the same as vaccinations or which after school clubs she does.

Talk to him please and don't do this to her unless he is happy.

susiedaisy · 23/06/2012 11:47

I wouldn't ask his permission but I would discuss it with him.

WorraLiberty · 23/06/2012 11:48

he does not take any responsibility for decisions relating to the kids (vaccinations, schools, medical issues, etc)

Those are all in the child's best interests and he obviously trusts you as his daughter's Mother to act within her best interests.

Poking holes in her ears is totally different and I think it should be a joint decision.

I'd do as Squeaky says and talk to him and I'd also encourage your DD to talk to him too...after all she's the one who wants it done.

RandomMess · 23/06/2012 11:49

I would apologise for not checking with him first as it never occured to you that he would mind. Then ask him what his objections are and if there is a compromise?

toofattorun · 23/06/2012 12:00

I would mention in passing saying DD wants to get her ears pierced and say youre taking her to get them done and that youre just letting him know. See what he says.
I got mine done aged ten and my sister was aged 7. Big deal.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/06/2012 12:09

I have a very good relationship with my ex, (and we have boys anyway) but if he did this to my child without consulting me I would hit the roof.

Partly because I think it looks horrible on children, (realise that is just my perosnal preference) but mostly because it is an invasive procedure and as a parent I have a right to decide if someone is going to stick needles in my child.

You should have spoken to him and taken his wishes into consideration before you told your dd she coudk have this done at such a young age. If she was 14/15, then it would be ok to do it without his blessing because a part of the choice can have transferred to her but she is 8 years old and this is still very much a parental descison.

roughtyping · 23/06/2012 12:12

I don't get the posters who are saying how would you feel if the situation were reversed... If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you'd feel hypocritical for making THIS decision but taking no responsibility elsewhere.

As a courtesy, I would speak to him about it and agree on a compromise.

roughtyping · 23/06/2012 12:17

Sorry, am just feeling sensitive about my own situation. If DS' dad disagreed over something so minor when he has so little input into his life I would be very annoyed.

MissAnnersley · 23/06/2012 12:18

I agree it probably wasn't ideal. However you have realized this and will be taking action.

You basically have two choices - discuss with ex and see if you can get him to agree or speak to your DD and explain that the time isn't right as her dad isn't keen.

I have a reasonable relationship with my ex but understand exactly what you mean by fragile amicability. It is a tight rope walk, sometimes on a daily basis. This doesn't mean however that you have to agree with everything he says. You have your own point of view and should be able to express it. Easy on paper but not so easy in RL.

Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Pickgo · 23/06/2012 12:43

Just tell your DD no as her father doesn't agree.

FFS she's EIGHT. It'll be character building.

You never know she might learn she won't always get what she wants. Grin

SoSoMamanBebe · 23/06/2012 14:22

Pickgo is talking absolute sense. Her father said no, and that means no.

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