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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that this sounds unrealistic for a re: kids in a relationship?

40 replies

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 22/06/2012 21:58

Met a friend last week who I hadn't seen in ages. She had just got engaged and we were talking all about that.
She adamantly does not want kids herself as she wants to focus on her career. However, her fiance definitely does want kids. She figures they can have kids and he can just do all the childcare, nappies etc.
I did try to say that I didn't think that it was very realistic given she'd be the one who'd get maternity leave, for example but she just really dismissed it and said if he wants kids, he'll have to look after them.

I kind of hope/assume that she would feel a little differently once she does have kids and will find a balance between focussing on her career and still contributing a bit to childcare but she seemed pretty adamant. Whaddya think - is it possible? I know that there are fathers who do pretty much no childcare so I guess it might be.

(as to whether it's desirable, that's a whole other issue!)

OP posts:

Psammead · 22/06/2012 21:59

If she does not want children, she should not have them. Why would anyone willingly give a child a mother who didn't want it?

Psammead · 22/06/2012 22:00

Btw, my BIL did most of the childcare for me neice. It worked ok for them.

TheMysteryCat · 22/06/2012 22:01

i'd say she was in the wrong relationship and if she's discussed this with her fiance and he's agreed then he's a complete doormat and probably utterly misguided about her.

she doesn't sound like a very nice person, in fact she sounds selfish and irresponsible.

sorry, but she's being VVVVU and yes it's totally unrealistic.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2012 22:01

DH wanted a child and I was in two minds for a long time. Finally, I decided that I did want one and we had DD. Had I made that 'bargain' with DH we would be in trouble because she only wants me when she is sick or tired. I can't just hand him a screaming child because he wanted one more than me.

CrispyCod · 22/06/2012 22:01

I can understand where she's coming from.

Original poster

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 22/06/2012 22:01

Psammead yes, there is that too...
She was nice to my kids and they seemed to like her so maybe she'd be nice and interested to them but just not so involved? I just can't see how it would work as a mother.
I just worry that she was so keen to get married and this guy ticked the boxes that she felt she could just go along with the kids thing and leave them to him...

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 22/06/2012 22:03

Madness. Both people in a relationship need to be committed to raising their children. Nothing wrong with her saying she'll focus on her career while he's a SAHP/primary carer (works for a lot of couples), but saying she'll have very little to do with them is a recipe for disaster. How does she think weekends/her time at home will pan out?

amistillsexy · 22/06/2012 22:04

It sounds like a recipe for divorce to me. How can a couple get married if they don't agree on something so profound as having children?

IMO, she has a totally unrealistic view of parenthood, but I think that only comes with experience, by which time, it might be too late for her.

MouseyHousey · 22/06/2012 22:04

I think YABU to say its unrealistic for the father to do all the child care. It is parental leave, not just maternal leave and the father has just as much right to be a SAHP as the mother.

Original poster

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 22/06/2012 22:04

Crispy - I see where she's coming from in wanting to focus on her career and I understand why someone might not want children but I don't think it's reasonable to be married and parents and not expect to do some parenting.

Mysterycat -she admitted that she feels she is selfish and doesn't want kids for that reason also.

And Psammead, I do know couples where the dad does the majority of the childcare so it's not the majority thing I'd wonder about, she was just adamant she would really do nothing...I suppose it would just HAVE to change once she actually has kids and faces the reality and it would turn into her taking a minority role rather than nothing!

OP posts:

Original poster

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck · 22/06/2012 22:06

amistillsexy - my thoughts exactly

Mousey - I have absolutely no issue at all with stay at home dads and agree that they do have that right but it's the idea of no input from a parent living in the same house that seems unrealistic

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 22/06/2012 22:07

well, she might get the offically maternity leave, but does she earn a lot more than him? I know a few couples where they would be just the same situation if say, the DH took a 6 month unpaid sabatical and the DW had gone back to work full time when they had a DC rather than him work full time and the woman get just SMP...

However, several woman I konw who were big career woman turned into earth mothers once pregnant, as well as several others who have just taken 3-4 months off, then returned full time with a nanny doing the bulk of the care. (most getting the nanny to start from day one, so they never really had to do the main caring).

At least she's being honest with him, he knows what he's getting into.

TheMysteryCat · 22/06/2012 22:08

...then if she's confident in her views she really shouldn't marry this guy. it's so unfair on him and any potential future child/children.

i don't see how it's possible to do absolutely nothing in a household with children, especially if they are your own.

I can't believe (given how strongly you've said she feels about this) that she would cope with or want to be pregnant either.

storminabuttercup · 22/06/2012 22:08

I don't think it would be fair at all.

CloudC · 22/06/2012 22:11

I hope she was just been flippant in the way she explained it. If she actually meant that she would be happy to have children provided they both agreed her career could not be compromised, and he would be the main carer, for example, taking time off work when children are sick, etc, then that's fair enough, as long as they both agree. If she really means she will have nothing to do with them, I can't see why he would marry her

MMcanny · 22/06/2012 22:13

Sounds absolutely fine to me, the exact deal many men get into. If he's giving up work to be a sahp maternity leave doesn't come into it, she takes however many weeks/months she gets on full pay and then goes back to it. I doubt many parents actually do zero childcare out of work hours - it's just the sahps who feel resentful present it like that. Fwiw, I think yabu - you're being sexist.

GnomeDePlume · 22/06/2012 22:16

Perhaps it wasnt something she really wanted to discuss with you?

TwllBach · 22/06/2012 22:17

I'm watching on sky plus and I just don't get Michael. Is he really evil? Part of me thinks he is a really interesting character because he is so fucked up and haunted, but the other part thinks he's just a typical EE villain.

Jean slater is just such a good actress. and I love most of her dresses

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2012 22:18

I wouldn't say a man should have a child if they weren't bothered. In fact on a recent thread everyone was telling the OP was WBU for wanting her DH to have another child with her when he didn't want one.

TwllBach · 22/06/2012 22:18

I'm so sorry, I don't know how that even happened. It's the complete wrong thread.

Margerykemp · 22/06/2012 22:19

when men say they want kids they generally mean they want someone else to look after them...

they need to have a chat before the deposit's paid

fedupofnamechanging · 22/06/2012 22:19

I think it's not right to have a baby that you have no intention of actually parenting. That said, she will probably change her mind and love the baby to bits, because very few people don't love their own dc, even if they are not that keen on children, generally.

AllOverIt · 22/06/2012 22:32

Twllbach

DumSpiroSpero · 22/06/2012 22:38

I don't think she should be considering bringing a child or children that she doesn't actually want into the world, but there is no early reason why her partner/DH shouldn't be the main carer that's what suits them if they do decide to have a family.

My BIL has been a full time dad and registered childminder since his youngest turned one (8 years). He has an outstanding Ofsted rating, a great lifestyle and a fantastic relationship with his wife and kids - can't see much wrong with that.

sesameflower · 22/06/2012 22:54

If she doesnt want kids she shouldn't have kids. Her partner can't do 9 months of pregnancy for her and its not fair on the kids. If the relationship isnt doomed then the kids are.

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