to think that this sounds unrealistic for a re: kids in a relationship?

[FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck]

Met a friend last week who I hadn't seen in ages. She had just got engaged and we were talking all about that.
She adamantly does not want kids herself as she wants to focus on her career. However, her fiance definitely does want kids. She figures they can have kids and he can just do all the childcare, nappies etc.
I did try to say that I didn't think that it was very realistic given she'd be the one who'd get maternity leave, for example but she just really dismissed it and said if he wants kids, he'll have to look after them.

I kind of hope/assume that she would feel a little differently once she does have kids and will find a balance between focussing on her career and still contributing a bit to childcare but she seemed pretty adamant. Whaddya think - is it possible? I know that there are fathers who do pretty much no childcare so I guess it might be.

(as to whether it's desirable, that's a whole other issue!)

My first husband wanted kids, i didnt, we agreed that he would stay at home and i would work, until i was 7 months pregnant then dropped the bombshell that he had changed his mind, despite me earning twice the amount he did, i had to give up my job, couldnt afford childcare, our marriage didnt survive... I love my kids, got my career back, and now earn 4 times what he does, am happily married to someone else and dont ever regret having my children, sometimes you dont realise what you would have missed , so much as though my ex is an idiot, who ignored his kids once we split up i am grateful to him because i might have not have had any kids...i dont think that until you have a child you can possibly realise how much you can care and love them. So yes, yanbu but then she wont realise she is bu until she has one

overthehill, your exH is a total and complete arsehole. Thank goodness your DCs have you in their life.

Thanks terry, my kids are the best thing i have ever done in my life, and i was the most un parental person ever, they have turned into wonderful adults and my loser ex doesn't have them in his life because of his attitude, it was hard but totally worth it.

Good for you, and them. I wasn't particularly parental, until I was... I just can't imagine, now I have DD, walking out. Happens all the time though.

If they have talked about this and agreed that she wants to go back to work and he is the primary carer I can't really see what the problem is.
My DP worked part time and looked after his kids while his ex worked FT and focused on her career. Ok, they are now 'ex' so perhaps not all was rosy, but they agreed on this arrangement with their kids.
She may well feel different once the baby arrives and then they might have to talk about this again.
In some ways, she is actually being quite reasonable - she obviously loves her fiance and knows not having kids would be a deal breaker.

There are already far to many unwanted neglected children in the world for someone to have another with this sole intention in mind I've got no issues about sahd's but why would anybody plan to have a child they didn't actually want the mind boggles

If she really doesn't want to have children and would only have them a) to please her H and b) on the grounds that he would do everything for them, then that's a bad idea and she should probably consider not marrying him. However, if she quite likes the idea of having kids but wants to continue in her career and not have it compromised by being the one to do all the childcare, then that's not unreasonable. It's certainly not unreasonable of her to feel that way just because she doesn't have a penis.

I don't know him at all so I can't really comment on what the reality of the situation is likely to be. It sounded, from what she said, like he is totally smitten and I do hope that it will work out for them.
The way she was talking, she seemed quite adamant and did not seem to be flippant and I also felt that the reality of children was something she didn't really get. I agree that him being main carer is perfectly possible, I suppose my issue was more with she doesn't want kids and that's why he would be the main carer - that was her first statement - " I don't want kids, he does so we'll have them but I am not doing childcare or changing nappies" and went on to explain that she didn't want to have to put someone else first as she was generally selfish and also she wanted to get far in her career. If it was just the career thing, then fine but not wanting children and thinking she could have them and let him get on with it just seemed unlikely to work.

Having said that, I am pretty sure that if they do have children, she will find that she's a bit more interested in them than she expects to be and they might have the perfect work-out-of-home mum/SAHD set up.

I honestly don't think I am being sexist, I would feel the same if she said she wanted children and he definitely didn't - I just feel that having children is something a couple should agree about for everyone's sake.

Lots of men are railroaded into having children (or more children) than they wanted. It doesn't automatically make them bad fathers.

She could have fertility problems that she doesn't want to talk about so by saying she doesn't want children she could be avoiding that conversation after the wedding.

I'm sure that like the rest of us when she does have a child of her own she will do her best for it.

" I don't want kids, he does so we'll have them but I am not doing childcare or changing nappies" and went on to explain that she didn't want to have to put someone else first as she was generally selfish and also she wanted to get far in her career.

Then she best get on with her career and stop stringing the poor bloke along. Because i'll bet the pair of bollocks i have she hasn't conveyed that to him. ( And i value my pair )

As for the " she'll get on with it when it happens" crowd. You're either pitying and condescending either him or her. Or both.

I'd far rather a dysfunctional couple like this didn't produce a child.

She'll learn. Hopefully it won't be hard way, or negatively impact on any dc she may have.

Sparks - sorry to inform you but you will have to relinquish your pair of bollocks as she had discussed this with him.

I know that the "they'll get on with it when it happens" attitude seems condescending but she did seem kind of naive about it so I guess I am a bit condescending about it.

After this thread, I think that if she absolutely means what she told me, she should not get married to this guy as I do not believe it's a good idea to have a baby you do not want just because your husband or wife does.
However, my inclination is that the reality is that she's taking an extreme stance as she does want to keep the focus on her career and she wants him to know that he will have to be taking a very big part in childcare when any children come along but that she would not agree to kids if she absolutely didn't want them.

OP: if her attitude genuinely is 'I don't mind having DC but I don't want to compromise my career so if he wants them, he's going to be the primary carer' then that's OK. After all, plenty of men think like that.

But what would be really unfortunate would be for her to marry him, have a baby and for him to be cheerfully expecting that, after all, she doesn't have a penis, she's a 'woman' so once the baby is actually here she will stop all this career shit and settle down to being a domestic appliance.

we know a few couples that have had this arrangement from the outset,

It works if the husband really understands what he is getting into.

Or possibly she does want children but is just trying to look independent and career-focused, or she's said for years that she didn't want children and is too embarrassed to admit she's changed her mind?