when will it end.

[lastnerve]

I have 1 child ds 2 years and has been going to nursery for a while, he had basically no child interaction very young so as soon as I could I got him in nursery. He has made some improvements i.e speech some social skill improvements.
But he finds it very hard to get on with kids his own age, he is by nature very hyperactive and never stops and can revert to hitting,biting other kids very quickly :'( I have no idea why his speech is limited even though it has come on but I don't know if that is the reason.
He is very big for his age so some kids are scared anyway of him, sometimes he just goes up to some kids and behaves aggressively me and his dad are mortified and are very worried about him and other kids.
He's going to be painted as a big thug pretty soon and there is not much coming back from that, I'm noticing the cliquey-ness of other mothers being an issue already too. I am scared firstly because I don't know why this is happening and feel powerless and plus the idea of him going through school being labelled and friendless. I have spent the last 3 weeks laying awake at night wondering when/if this will end.

AIBU to ask if anyone went through this hell? and when did it end?.

Sadly Lucie it's that sort of mentality that makes it hard for parents to ask for help.
If my son does that in a park etc I say no firmly and physically remove him, and I still get reactions like that. I hope it never happens to you it may humble you slightly.

Time outs and naughty steps have always been a big no for us as he is so hyperactive if he is kicking off I often put him in his pram as he has to be 'contained' .
Which makes things difficult, at home if he is misbehaving I say no, if its an object I take it off him and if he continue I threaten to fasten him in his pram. which either works or I have to for 2 minutes. maybe I could change the way I deal with him? my mum is a child psychotherapist and hasn't said 'no don't do that! so I've continued.

I don't think its normal for a 2 year old to bite at all, or be unduly aggressive with other children. Perhaps you do need help from others OP, whether GP or health visitor, perhaps there is some underlying cause. But since he is young, hopefully you will find a way to deal with this positively.

I know I'm hoping it is just a phase but I'm worried it isn't.

He is only two, like the others say when his speech comes on I'm sure he will get less frustrated. Have you talked to your mum about it?

And biting in toddlers IS common. So don't feel alone with it!

yeah she does seem worried tbh, and thinks kids may treat him differently because of his size and he is lashing out in a different kind of frustration.

I know just where you're coming from. DS1 was an articulate and thoughtful little boy, and it was a massive shock when his little brother, who had delayed speech, turned out to be the playgroup bad boy. All the other kids his age seemed to be lovely little girls, whose mums turned their noses up at my monstrous 2-year-old. I was totally paranoid and in the end was following him everywhere to stop him getting into confrontations. It wasn't something that was sorted overnight; he has speech therapy which helped but he was into his second term at primary school before I knew he could be trusted to control himself.
His teacher tells me that he's the star of the class now and she doesn't want to lose him (not-so-stealthy boast)so don't lose hope.

Thankyou brecon,

I think the nursery are looking into speech therapy now they have my permission.

Bump.

Been in trouble for biting again, last week he bit someone and he ended up coming home looking like a cheese grater been took to his face.

sigh I just don't know what to do.

He not aggressive with me at home its just I feel so lost

and he enjoys playgroup as well that's the most heartbreaking thing :'(

I get my OH to pick him up as I have problems with going outside due to my severe morning sickness, but also now because I'm scared of running into to some aggressive mum who will have a go at me.

I do feel for you, it can't be easy to feel responsible for his behaviour and to feel judged by other parents.

I don't have much experience but sometimes what looks like aggression (understood in adult terms of someone who is being purposefully nasty) is quite different in children and it's hard for us to see it that way. Frustration is a much easier feeling to sympathise with and it sounds like this is what is driving your little boy rather than aggression.

Greenspan's "The Challenging Child" is a really interesting book, despite the unfortunate title! I find a lot of it resonates with how I felt like a child and I am already seeing shades of the behaviour in DD who is only 13 months. It explains really well the child's perspective which makes it easier to empathise and find ways to address the issues effectively rather than feeling upset or worried.

Thankyou, I've lost the energy to be angry and shocked, I just feel resigned to this is my life ducking from parents who may have a go.

it seems to happen when he is wanting a toy and no -one is letting go, like tug of war with a toy then he bites. its just horrible it really is.

I'm like a ball of worry around other kids and parents I feel I will erupt if one did have a go. And I'm so worried for my DS. is this what his life will be??.

I have no direct experience of this but just as a curve ball, is nursery right for him? I have an only with a big personality and he was with CMs from a very early age (12 weeks) and only went to pre-school at 3.5 when I was sure he could follow instructions and make himself understood. I think he was greatly helped by being with children of all different ages so he never appeared to be the big, boisterous one. Just a thought. I also feel a little worried about the comment re needing supervision to play with other children. Yes. He's 2.

I'm wondering if this playgroup is suitable for him. I'm not saying that his behaviour can entirely be excused by this but the combination of speech and communication problems and the wrong environment could encourage the issues you are so worried about.

I am another person who had a smaller, quieter and (on the surface!) quite compliant firstborn son. He was a terror for tantrums but by playgroup age was selective about where he had them. 18 months later I had ds2 who, by the time he was 2 years old, was very tall, very robust and easily excitable. He never had a single tantrum and was never violent (although he'd defend his friends in ways that weren't always helpful!) but he did take up a lot of space in a small room and he was always best in a more structured environment. Too much rushy around sort of free play indoors made him distinctly hyper.

You say your ds is not aggressive at home and this makes me wonder whether playgroup is the right place for him right now. I'm not suggesting that you keep him away from other children and activities but perhaps choose things that are more structured as well.

Hmmm, I'd be hard pressed to stop him going he other than like (car, mummy,daddy) didn't speak till he was past 2, and hes come on alot in the past year its more his pronunciation now lisp etc,

I have noticed even in playfights with his dad its take an inch of hyperness and he takes a mile it seems he can't control that side of him and he's the size of a 4/5 year old and he it does hurt sometimes.

thankyou for being gentle and sensitive in your replies I'm in a very bad place today, I would usually confide in my mum about this I can't today , I jsut can't face it.

His dad told him off and told him no sweets and he 'knows' he's in bother. but will probably do the same the next time sigh.

I feel so utterly helpless just want to hide me and my son away, (sorry disgusting self pity).

You poor thing. I can totally relate to how you're feeling, especially the feelings of being isolated and judged and talked about by all the other mums.
My DS1 behaved in a very similar way to your DS. He's now 6 and has recently been diagnosed with ODD and ADHD.
I wouldn't want to frighten you into thinking that's what your DS has by the way. Chances are he is just being 2 and will grow out of the worst of it in a few months.
I just wanted to let you know I know how you feel. The saddest aspect of all of the last few years of hard work for me, has been the effect it has had on my boy's popularity and the enormous bashing to my self esteem.
Bug hugs to you.

Thank you , whats ODD ?

it would be a lie to say ADHD has not crossed my mind.

yeah I'm with you on the self esteem and popularity, its something you never get back.