when will it end.

[lastnerve]

I have 1 child ds 2 years and has been going to nursery for a while, he had basically no child interaction very young so as soon as I could I got him in nursery. He has made some improvements i.e speech some social skill improvements.
But he finds it very hard to get on with kids his own age, he is by nature very hyperactive and never stops and can revert to hitting,biting other kids very quickly :'( I have no idea why his speech is limited even though it has come on but I don't know if that is the reason.
He is very big for his age so some kids are scared anyway of him, sometimes he just goes up to some kids and behaves aggressively me and his dad are mortified and are very worried about him and other kids.
He's going to be painted as a big thug pretty soon and there is not much coming back from that, I'm noticing the cliquey-ness of other mothers being an issue already too. I am scared firstly because I don't know why this is happening and feel powerless and plus the idea of him going through school being labelled and friendless. I have spent the last 3 weeks laying awake at night wondering when/if this will end.

AIBU to ask if anyone went through this hell? and when did it end?.

Of course he's going to be different - no two children are the same. I've had parents worried sick that their child was autistic/had ADHD or was just 'slow' when there wasn't anything wrong at all. They'd usually ask me because I was a different person who'd observe their behaviour. I'd point out anything totally abnormal but often behaviour the parents thought was terrible was stuff I've seen over and over again. I'm not an expert but I guess I just have a different perspective on the families.

Are there any toddler groups? Library story time groups for tots? Coffee mornings? If there are any little ones in your neighbourhood you could reach out to them? Not the kids, the mums obviously! I think it'd really help and it'd take your focus away from the 'bad' behaviour if you channelled it into having a nice time with your little boy and some other people. I often think kids feed off their parents quite a bit - if the mum is stressed and worried, the kids often behave differently. I know that's probably not very helpful! Maybe try focusing on all the good things about your little boy and praising him for those?

Do you chat to him a lot at home? Tell stories? Point things out and talk to him while you're walking around? He won't really pick up his language skills from other 2 yos, he'll pick them up from you.

Have you tried signing. DD is a busy scary and sometimes violent child and signing really helped her tell us what she wanted and needed. Lots of her behaviour stopped once she understood that we knew what she wanted.

As for the cliques. I just searched out the other mothers who were being excluded and made friends with them. Much nicer people than the alpha clones.

DD is a true diva & in true diva style kicks off if something (means everything) doesn't suit, she doesn't yet attend nursery, can't wait for that, however at play dates with her little friends she has been known to give them a shove or a smack if they wont give in to her hissy fits. She has excellent speech so I've put it down to normal 2 year old behaviour & the fact that she's not the only one that behaves this way kind of backs up this theory, it doesn't however stop me worrying that she may stop being invited places....

FWIW, I don't think, unless they are very socially-inclined or you are at the end of your tether, that children of 2 need to have interaction with other children, other than at the park etc.

Please try not to worry. Worrying will make you tense, which may alter the way you deal with the negative behaviour (I'm not going to say "aggressive" behaviour, because that's too much of a label).

Pushing, biting etc is very common in children this age, and the reasons they do it are varied

-tiredness, causing a short fuse
-wanting something another child has, and not having the patience, or the language to ask for it (this apples to children, like my son, who had really good language at 2)
-hunger, causing bad temper
-what looks like aggression is actually a cack-handed attempt at making contact with a child, but the lack the social skills to do it gently
-biting can be caused by teething pain
-overstimulation - busy, noisy places used to get my DS2 over--excited and he'd start on his rampages

Then added to this, there's the fact that some DC's get a kick out of the attention an incident gets them, even though it's negative attention.

So my advice:

-Note carefully when things happen and why it might be
-Avoid whatver triggers it as much as you can - hunger, tiredness and over-stimulation - if a meltdown's starting, feed him or take him away from where he is
-hover if you have to. If he does something to another child, tell him "No hitting" firmly, take the toy away, take him away and make him sit quietly without looking at him.
-enlist the help of the staff in this - let them know you are concerned and try and come up with a consistent approach
-apologise to any parents of children he hurts, but don't make yourself a martyr. I've noticed the more you are down on your own child, the more some parents will take their cue and be judgmental about what is very common behaviour. Don't try and explain.

• speak with a low calm voice. Be firm but try not to be rough with him verbally or physically when you feel angry or mortified

Remember in most case this stage passes. It is horrible to be the mum of the "biter". It does not mean he will be a delinquent. DS2 was a nightmare but is extremely well-behaved. Basically, their self-control has to kick in and we can help that by having self-control ourselves.

Sorry for the essay

Oh God, forgot the most important thing! Enjoy the good things about him. Tell him when you are proud of him and why. Praise when he does nice things - especially gentleness and kindness.

Think about the labels you are giving him in your head. It's really natural to use adult words like "thug", but he's not a thug, and he's not a teenager, he's a little boy who has to learn social skills

thanks for all the advice,
he has started being very quiet when he comes home and its worrying me.
he so wants to be social its makes me so
he has a lisp and speech issue there always is the worry that its more.
a lot of the kids are scared of him purely because he is bog I wonder if he bites them sometimes out of frustration.

I know Jamie I think I project what I assume others are thinking.
I do praise he is very interactive with me, and is not a 'whiny kid' very robust and when I see mothers in the opposite situation I do think 'thank god that's not me' It does reinforce that every child is different.
But its also seems that every baby who cried a lot has turned into a compliant toddler now. argggh!!

I remember how hard it is. I had one who was delicate and sensitive and reactive and tantrummy - basically a bit perplexed by other children, and the other who was the one doing the hitting. I used to worry DS1 wasn't robust enough, and DS2 who was a little too robust

When DS1 was little I was, I'll admit, a teeny bit judgy about the active children. Then karma came and bit me on the bum in the form of DS2! (he was an easy baby)

Boys are not always clear in their speach and they can become frustrated at this. There is a lot that you can do at home with him to give him confidence and improve his speach. Others have given you some good advice already. Try and read stories to him every day, do puzzles with him, if he says a word incorrectly don't say " no you don't say it like that" just repeat the word correctly ( positive reinforcement) . Play picture games with him and sing songs. Get him some cd's to play in the car , and when you are out and about use every opportunity to talk about what you are seeing and doing. He will improve and his social skills will improve as well.

Thats spooky my DS never cried as a baby either, was the most placid baby you could wish for, then hit 11 months came and some switch went off was mad.

He does have a lisp if I haven't already mentioned that, I spend a lot of time correcting his speech but I worry I may cause him more issues too.

Google lisps. Really common again (DS2 had one, it's barely noticeable now at 9).

I don't know enough about early speech to know whether you have anything to worry about, so hopefully some lovely MNers who do know more will advise

OP you mentioned having to have adult interaction to play with other children; tbh I'd expect that at 2! It's still a lot of parallel play at that age, and if a nursery nurse wasn't closely supervising at each activity station, I'd be surprised.

At DS's nursery, they have this arrangement. So a book area, home corner (they call it role play these days), a building area, modelling clay etc. At each station, a nurse is hovering. If the older kids organise a game and the younger ones sort of get involved, then great. But a lot of the time, the kids are all close together, doing the same thing with a nurse occasionally interjecting.

DS comes home with scratches etc sometimes, but then I'm sure he causes some injuries too! I witnessed him clonk another boy over the head with his juice cup, he kicked a 3 year old in the head last week (I have NO idea how he managed that), it is just kids being kids.

As for the cliquey thing, are you sure? Thats awfully young for that kind of thing to start; there are never groups of parents waiting at our nursery for there to be a time for cliquey-ness to start. I know some Mums to say hi to, but that's as far as it goes.

Yeah a lot of them know each other, and there is a lot of hanging around time before they let the kids out.

I haven't read all the posts, but I would second what someone said about getting his hearing checked.
I worked with a little girl, similar age, similar problems and it was her hearing!
We found it helpful to do basic signs and made a communication board- photos of things like food, drink, toys and happy, sad, angry and poorly faces.
The idea was she could point to what she wanted or how she felt.
It worked well and although the hearing problem is fixed, she still uses the signs now and then.
I really feel for you, it's not nice ((((hug)))) but you will be able to help him.

Hello! I just thought I'd chip in and say my DS was exactly the same at 2 years old. He used to randomly hit other children either out of frustration, because he wanted what they had or sometimes I couldn't even see what sparked it off. He needed constant adult supervision around other children, he wasn't at nursery at that point, it was just me following him round like a shadow at toddler groups. When I told him no, got down to his level, took him for time out etc etc etc it didn't seem to be sinking in.

His speech was slow to develop, we were referred to the SALT by the health visitor but it took a year to be seen. His hearing was tested and was fine. I was beside myself, he was branded the 'naughty boy' openly by some of the mothers at a group we went to, I was convinced he was going to grow up to be a psychopath/in prison or something.

Now he's 5 and seems to be fine, he's settled into school really well, his speech is fine - we were discharged by the SALT before he was 4. His teacher has had no problems with his behaviour

I swear he was just a little slower to develop at that age than other children, his speech was slightly delayed which made it difficult to communicate with him or him communicate with me and he just wasn't ready to be sociable yet. I'm sure that in a couple of years time you'll just look back at this as 'that phase he went through' - Good Luck!

Thanks cakeandcustard, nice to know someone can relate, I feel so isolated in this.

lastnerve being in a clique of mummies from the nursery is my idea of hell.

Dont feel isolated lastnerve

Its so common. If the other mothers are making you feel shit about it fuck em.

No kids are perfect, in fact my mother was always banding around her mates kids who were angelic and one is in pris now for dealing in Ectasy. I love to remind her of this fact.

At least you know I have a nipping nipper too!

My ds was awful at 2, was also great as a baby and got refered at 2 for his poor speech. He would also hit out easier than other kids, which left me so ashamed and embrassed. However he's 5 now, and while he can still have his moments his speech is fine and he's doing great at school. I thi he was frusated by his lack of speech, but once that improved, he improved. Don't feel bad, some parents, especially 1st time ones, can seem very opinionated and over protective. I found discussing my concerns with other parents helped them to be more understanding. It will get better :-)

Maybe see it from the other parents' point of view for what it is like if their dcs are the ones being attacked by your son.when he was three my ds was repeatedly bitten by another child for many months and it was extremely upsetting for both of us. I was told the boy had some sort of problem that they were trying to deal with but how was that protecting my ds who was a well behaved little boy. I nearly removed him and in the end I demanded that the other child be kept separate from my son. He also repeatedly bit many other children. And I can honestly say no I wouldn't have given his parents a warm reception had I met them when their dc had been responsible for so much upset towards my well behaved sociable little boy.

I don't see the point in being that way with the parents at all. The incidents are happening at the nursery not under the parents supervision.

I find that attitude strange to be honest. I can understand if you were at a play centre or similar and the parent was ineffectual.

Its a matter to take up with the nursery staff.

Good point WhosPickle