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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect some kind of help from my OH?

33 replies

mumof3littlemonkeys · 22/06/2012 12:52

A completely self indulgent rant to make me feel better as Im fed up.

37 weeks pregnant; probs with blood pressure; 2 young kids to look after; had a fall a couple of weeks ago which left me barely able to walk for several days and SPD. Thats me at the moment.

So a while ago I started decluttering- sorting stuff for the charity shop and tip etc. I asked my OH to take stuff to the tip/charity shop as I was heavily pregnant and couldnt cope with dragging loads of bin bags with a 4 yr old and 18 month old in a pram. OH said that I should put everything from bin bags into plastic bags and take them to charity shop myself (neither of us drive). I objected and said that he should do his share and help me out. BTW im talking about loads of bin bags like 10+.

Weeks later and after arranging for FIL with car to help nothing has been done. FIL is fab at helping out with stuff and I am grateful that he does help us. The reason FIL and OH have not done any trips to charity shop/tip is because my OH cancelled when they were arranged to go for no reason. I ask my OH to arrange for them to take stuff the next week but again he is trying to get out of it.

I am angry with OH because I have worked hard to sort stuff out and I just want to get sorted before the baby comes so that we can all be comfortable. Im also annoyed as we had agreed to rearrange the bedrooms before baby arrives so that the boys could be more comfortable in a bigger room but after OH said he was not going to help with stuff I admitted defeat and have not been able to move the rooms around. I am now waiting til I can get some help to rearrange the rooms when baby is born.

I'm just soooooooo fed up. No help in the house; waking me up in the night to complain about stuff almost every night- grrrr he just makes me angry and yes my hormones are bad but Im sure I should have some sort of help even if its just little things

OP posts:

manicbmc · 22/06/2012 12:54

Apart from being incredibly unhelpful and an utter twat by the sounds of it, what is with the waking you up to complain about stuff? Is he 4?

summerflower · 22/06/2012 13:01

Sounds like my OH. Seriously, before DS was born, I was working full-time, also trying to get the renovation of the house finished at weekends, getting up at goodness knows when to paint, and he was what? Helping me? Nope, complaining that he liked his weekends to relax and otherwise organising overseas conferences so he wasn't there.

I feel your pain. We very nearly separated when DS was three weeks old because I was so fed up and it has taken a long time for our marriage to recover. I feel like it broke what I believed was a partnership. So, no advice, but YANBU. I guess, if it is the charity stuff, maybe there is an organisation locally that would pick it up for you, or a man with a van (give the bill to your DH)?

NotGeoffVader · 22/06/2012 13:04

No advice really but a question - why is he such a lazy sod? What was his reason for not taking stuff to charity shop/tip?

cheekybarsteward · 22/06/2012 13:10

He is a twot, call your local charities and ask them to pick up bags.

porthcurnick · 22/06/2012 13:10

Ask in the charity shop, they might be able to send someone to pick up a big load.

But that's not the main problem is it, waking you up every night to complain really

ViolaCrayola · 22/06/2012 13:12

YANBU at all - you are coping with so much and the least he could do is help you out! I am pregnant with SPD too, and a 2 year old, and my DH is doing a huge amount - day to day but also with the inevitable sorting that happens before a new baby comes. We see it as a joint project that needs to get done.

I say this not to make out that my DH is perfect (he is not!) or to make you feel worse but just to support your judgement that his behaviour is not acceptable.

Is he always like this? And yes, what's with waking you up in the middle of the night to complain? That sounds intolerable.

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 13:13

Blimey OP, got yourself a right pain there haven't you?

Shakey1500 · 22/06/2012 13:15

YANBU.

Ask the charity shop to pick up his bags

izzyizin · 22/06/2012 13:22

Arrange for your oh to be collected by anyone who'll have him a charity shop or sell him on eBay.

Failing which, crush 20mg temazepam into a teaspoon of sugar, add to a cup of warm milk, and pour in a hefty shot of whisky. Give the resulting drink to your oh before retiring to ensure a sound night's sleep for both of you

Original poster

mumof3littlemonkeys · 22/06/2012 16:26

Thank you for all the replies. It's reassured me that he is being a pain and it is not all my hormones.

Great idea about ringing the charities to ask them to collect stuff. Hadn't thought about that but it could be the answer to my problems.

I'm not sure why he wakes me up in the night to complain. He started doing this months and months ago and I nipped it in the bud and said that if he has something that he needs to talk to me about then it should not be done in the middle of the night (not that he talks; its starts off with complaints that I haven't done something-like I've left a pile of his clean washing on the bed- and goes on to a full blown argument and usually a character assassination of me). He eventually stopped this but has started up again. Last night it was about me having a pillow in between my knees. His problem was that it inconveniences him.

He does have good points but at the moment I am struggling to understand how he can be so selfish. His reasons for cancelling the trip to charity shop/tip was because there was too much going on that day (rubbish btw cos all we had on that day was me going for an eye test at midday)

OP posts:

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 22/06/2012 18:09

Your husband wakes up his 8 months pregnant wife in the middle of the night to start an argument?!

You did all the decluttering work, then he refused to take the bags away and cancelled your FIL's help.

He does nothing around the house.

He has refused to help move the rooms around for the new baby which will arrive any day.

This is all pretty fucked up - you've called your OP a 'self-indulgent rant', but it's not at all, it's totally legitimate. It sounds like your OH is making very little input to family life at all.

Does he actually live with you?
Did you both plan the baby? (Sorry if that's a bit rude, I'm just struggling to undestand his behaviour on any level at all)

NotGeoffVader · 22/06/2012 18:12

He does sound selfish and inconsiderate. As you say, I am sure he does have good points, but he isn't really letting them show! :(

I'd be bagging up his stuff for the charity shop and asking them to collect him too if he carried on like that

JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/06/2012 18:18

Christ.. if my DP woke me in the night to complain about something petty he'd regret it instantly.. what do you say to him when he does this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2012 18:21

He woke you to complain about a pillow and you are 8 months pregnant? He had better look like George Clooney and cook like Gordon Ramsey and parent like Hugh Jackman.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 22/06/2012 18:22

Kick him in the balls.

LindyHemming · 22/06/2012 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamas12 · 22/06/2012 19:44

I mean [shocl] He rea;;y treats you like this?

Please please start standing up for yourself more op he is sounding like an emotionally abusive bully to me.

Google it and then kick him in the balls before you tell him this has to stop or he is gone!

SofaKing · 22/06/2012 19:55

Next time he complains about you having a pillow between your knees move it immediately. To over his face.

He is being horrible. Sit him down and explain this, if there is ever a time when he is not being a pain, and point out that you will need more help when the new baby comes. I found dh amazing once we had dc3, but a bit terrible before that in terms of not helping with lifting things etc. Not as bad as your dh sounds though, if you can get him to realise 3 kids is a lot and you need to be a partnership it will make things a lot easier, not least because you won't resent him for being someone else you have to look after.

ontheedgeofwhatever · 22/06/2012 20:10

YANBU far from it in fact. Your OH on the other hand is being useless waste of space.

I am 33 weeks pregnant so not as far along as you and I don't have the health problems you've got yet DP has hauled several large bags and boxes off to charity shops and would not dream dare of waking waking me for such silly things. Hes not perfect - no man is but he is showing some basic support and helps with DD too. Sorry don't mean to make you feel worse but your DP is presumably at least 50% responsible for you being pregnant and he should be taking some of the load that has come with the pregnancy.

Hope the last couple of weeks go well and you have a beautiful baby very soon

Inertia · 22/06/2012 20:21

Not a self indulgent rant at all, your DH is behaving like a prize cock . Many people would describe his behaviour as emotionally abusive - waking up his 8 month pregnant wife to rant about washing ? !

With the practical stuff, you may find it helpful to give your FIL a ring and ask him whether he would be willing to bring the car and help you transfer the bags, as OH is insisting that you should do it and you are worried about possible harm to the baby. If he's as helpful as you suggest, he'll also give his son a bollocking.

RandomMess · 22/06/2012 20:25

AThingInYourLife · 22/06/2012 20:34

I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd (no SPD).

I genuinely can't believe you have to put up with that kind of treatment.

He sounds abusive to me - waking up a sleeping pregnant woman with pelvis problems because the pillow between her knees is inconvenient to him?

WTF?

My DH is doing pretty much everything at home at the moment because I'm knackered and looking after the DDs all day.

Although of course, you don't actually have to put up with being treated so badly by this man.

grobagsforever · 22/06/2012 21:22

Wakes you in the night? He's a shit. So sorry OP. Is he a good dad?

holyfishnets · 22/06/2012 21:57

What a selfish tit! Waking his heavily pregnant wife in the middle of the night when you are due very soon and uncomfortable. He does sound abusive and unhelpful. Can you move out? You need to be with someon who can support you and look after your interests.

You need to show him everyones posts.

Original poster

mumof3littlemonkeys · 23/06/2012 08:00

Yes baby number 3 was very much planned. I would also class him as emotionally abusive. My best friend in RL thinks I should leave him because of the lack of support and his behaviour. I have been on the verge of leaving him many times and actually left him for 18 months before the children came along.

I genuinely think that something is going on with him atm. Not making excuses for him because his behaviour has been truly disgusting towards me but I've noticed that he is drinking more in the evenings (not every evening) and he seems like he is suffering from depression. Everything is centered around him and he is just flying off the handle at everything.

I raised the issue of car seats and sleeping arrangements for the boys last night as they are likely to need to stay at my PIL's when I go into labour. After we had organised what to do about the car seats then I said that I wanted to bring my travel cot for the 18 month old as I didnt want him sleeping in the bed with PIL's. He went mad and said I didnt trust his parents. I said I wouldnt let my children stay with them if I didnt trust them- its about wanting them all to be comfortable and making sure my 18 month old is safe. This then descended into an argument with him swearing at me (I also swore back which I know isnt good but I was just so fed up) and I said he was being very abusive and that I was only trying to organise things. He then said 5 mins later that I was being abusive and I was mad.

I will be leaving with the kids if things dont improve. I watched this type of thing go on in my own childhood between my parents and I dont want my children to suffer

OP posts:

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