AIBU to feel fed up of justifying my DS's behaviour/disposition

[soozeedol]

I am a single parent and my DS is 11yrs, ADHD and Autistic. I have, over time been abandoned and judged negatively as a bad parent and my DS bullied, assaulted, harrassed, you name it.! Changed schools on 3 occasions due to lack of support and bullying. Now this is nothing new and I know this is commonly happening to many children and families, special needs or not.
It's leaving me feeling quite lonely nowadays though because it has effected my friendships and some have passed judgements and the level of negativity towards my son is really bothering me. I discuss some of the issues and difficulties he has and try hard to help people around us to understand but I had my friends GrandD (20yrs) visiting several times and it became so obvious that her judgement was negative and unkind. She stopped even talking to my DS, rolling her eyes when he was saying or doing something she disapproved of or giving him the evil eye stare and enlisted support when doing this from another visiting friend. Then to my face she announces that my DS is a DIVA and just attention seeking! I was taken aback with shock and left very upset by this. I felt I needed to tell her GrandF about this because I felt I couldn't visit or socialise around her and that I felt she needed to apologise and know she has no right to insult anyone this way. Anyway, now it seems my friend won't talk to me and has seemingly turned his back on us too.(blood thicker than water) I feel so betrayed, angry she has done this and helped ruin my friendship. A friend of mine who was aware of the issues has suggested that she may be jealous of her GrandF having our friendship and may be jealous that he and my son get on so well. I don't know. All I know is that because of her unkindness, judgements and insults, I have ended up losing my very good friend and I'm heart broken, confused and fed up of people being so ignorant and unkind to us.
Sorry this is a alot to read through. I just wonder if I will ever find friends who are open and tolerant and understanding as it seems to be too much to ask and I'm running out of friends and feeling isolated. Am I supposed to sit back and allow this to happen and say and do nothing or am I meant to continue to stand up for my son and not have to tolerate this within my own home?...but lose friends because of it...it's a big sacrifice and I feel like an island.

Sorry that you're finding it difficult, I don't know what to say other than yes you should stand up for your son and that you sound a terrific mother. I'm sure others will be able to provide more advice.

All that because she called him a Diva?

I can see you're stressed and I can only imagine how much you've had to deal with in the past but really you're going to run out of friends if you can't accept that your child's behaviour will affect the moods of those around him.

Even if those people understand his conditions, there will always be times they'll be a bit pissed off...so unless they say or do something really unkind, I'd pick your battles wisely.

Also, there's a bit of Diva in everyone so it's not beyond the limits of possibility that he was acting like one at the time.

Worral, it sounds a bit more than that, eye rolling and staring etc

I get that but no-one can make everyone like their child. If she doesn't like him, she doesn't like him.

It should never have broken up the OP's friendship with her GrandF.

I have two friends who each have a son with ADHD, but their parenting styles are very different. One uses her child's condition as an excuse for his behaviour and he appears to do whatever he pleases, whilst the other has very high expectations. It is very difficult to visit the first friend because of the behaviour of her son, but to her friends and family it is apparent that her parenting style is not helping. Maybe, if everyone around you is giving you the same message, there could be some changes you could make?

Do you have a child with a disability Worra?

I do. He's 4. I've had some other 4YO be nasty to him / blame him for stuff he patently didn't do / bully him. It affects the relationships I have with his parents. I had one 'friend' who used to roll her eyes when I stood up for my DS. She is no longer a friend.

I've had 'friends' tell me that all DS needs is a good slap . They are no longer friends either.

I cannot make people like my DS, but I can make the decision that if you don't like my DS, you are not a very good friend to me. I REFUSE (and I cannot even begin to stress how strongly I believe this) to put my son, knowingly, around people who take the piss out of him. I don't care a jot if you are 4 or 40. If you are nasty to my child, I will take steps to ensure I don't socialise with you.

OP - you WILL find friends who support your DS. I only allow people in my life who are willing to consider DS.

I do agree with adeucalione though too...

I am happy to work with DS's issues and make sure I don't put him in situations that are going to make him feel anxious, but I refuse to allow him to act up when he's in an environment he can cope with.

No worry I don't but then the OP didn't state it was a prerequisite of joining in the thread.

The OP is running out of friends and feeling isolated.

I am giving a view point that may or may not help her.

worra - I'm not saying you don't have a valid point, or that you shouldn't be on this thread. Not at all.

What I AM saying is, if you perhaps don't know how it feels. DS has been called everything from Spaz to Mourino (SP??) (AKA: The special one). I cannot put into words how hard that is to hear. Especially, in our case, because DS has a massively high IQ so accessing services is nigh on impossible, because he just doesn't fit into one box.

I feel very isolated with DS because my DS can't cope with lots of things NT children can cope with. He's due to start school in September, but the (STATE) school won't accept him. If I get an hour a week off from DS, I'd be lucky. It rarely happens.

ANd, I am also saying that 'friends' who dislike your child are not worth having.

I'd prefer to never speak to a soul than to speak to people who patently disliked my son.

Could you join a support group in your area? NAS website might be able to point you in the right direction and then you can build some new friendships with people who understand.

That must be awful for you worry and for your DS.

Re the friends who dislike your child are not worth having, well sometimes it's not the fact they dislike the child...just that they find it stressful being around certain behaviour, especially when they don't have to deal with it every day.

This is where I think the OP may need to cut people some slack and try to understand it from her friend's POV.

Also the GD is only 20 and I doubt she has any experience of these things at all.

I wonder if it is also possible that in some instances the OP is taking advice from friends as criticism, when it is perhaps meant as constructive help rather than anything else.

I also understand what Adeucalione is saying too. I have friends with children who have ADHD/Autism and where one child's parent is stricter, the other child is never checked on their behaviour, because the parents say "oh he cant help it".. which I do not believe to be the best approach at all.

Yes there is a new group starting up in my area by parents for parents and I am hoping to get involved and find some new friends along the way.

My DS has been going through transition for High School since christmas and now has an Exceptional Needs statement which now means that he has an allocation for funding 1:1 support, scribe, laptop, etc and all round support needs met.This is the best outcome we have had and the first time he will actually be given the support he has always needed.

I was very tolerant over the eye rolling, evil eye thing and felt that I would be able to give her more information to allow her to be more understanding...I was doing this over a week or 2. We were in a cafe/garden centre...he wanted another glass of milk...I was working on his reluctance to go and manage to do this himself as I always want to encourage any independence he can acheive...my friend/her GrandF offered to support him in going to get the milk....that's when she turned to me and the tone and delivery of 'your son is a diva and that's just attention seeking' floored me....
I have met and joined a group and met other families with children with similar issues and some with no diagnosis at all and I have to say that my son's behaviour is far from any extreme and he is pretty easy going in alot of ways, he's not too physical, aggressive or demonstrative and is more a quiet, anxious, worry alot child and socially he is quite isolated. He does however not discriminate between adults and children and everyone is spoken to the same way...direct, honest and insightful at times to sometimes even quite profound understanding...he is what they call high functioning and he's a mine of information about alot of things.
I'm a strict parent and see my son as an 11yr old and have as many expectations of him as any parent would for a child his age...but...I have to say that it is a very recent milestone for him to remember to flush the toilet when he is finished and so there are things he can struggle with and things that he can be very mature about too...it's only as his mother that I can see which I'm dealing with and I have to consider these things before chastizing or supporting...

yes, we can all be a diva
yes, we can't like everyone
yes, I have met alot of families and believe me I have seen a child repeatedly hitting and swearing at his mother and couldnt bare it and never returned to the support group after she stated that she was used to it! witnessed windows smashed out of temper, seen my son being strangled by another child with ADHD/whatever issues....another running chaos with a knife...all in the name of ADHD/autism....NOT my DS though...never ever and I don't see why it should have this excuse allowed for it....
My son has never sworn at anyone and has a very strong sense of right and wrong.
His anxieties create most of his behaviour where he can be repeatative, with movements/fidgetting, noises, growling and he can run off if he gets overwhelmed in a situation. He wears ear plugs to drown out too much noise in class, has a quiet place he can access and chooses to stay in a break times. He rarely goes out anywhere alone and has no friends. He's been suicidal on and off since he was 6. Hates that he is different and has wished he'd never been born.
My battle is always the greatest when I have to protect him from assault, bullying from children and some adults too, even some teachers he's had.
Maybe I am sensitive to bad attitude towards my son but I've had a bellyfull and take no prisoners anymore....my son will not be down beaten by negativity because I could ever be accused of passive, non-supportive actions...esp in our home

I think what parents of NT kids see as 'being sensitive' - to use your words - is usually the product of years of bullying, name calling, not fitting in, unhappiness, stress and worry. So if someone calls an NT kid a diva, as a parent you may or may not laugh it off. As the parent of a non-NT kid that is so much harder because you are carrying the weight of every other instance of intolerance that your child has suffered.

So I don't think you were wrong to react the way you did. But where you were wrong was talking to the grandfather rather than the woman. She's 20 - she's an adult. You should have had it out with her, now the GF is involved and it's all got messy, which is a real shame. If you'd had an adult conversation with the woman, maybe it would have gone better. Maybe you could talk it through with the GF once the dust has settled a bit?

I hope the new group works out for you as you do sound a bit down and a bit isolated at the moment. Are you on the Special Needs board here? It's very supportive and a good place to hang out.

(((hugs)))

And 'only 20?' I was an adult making my own way in the world by 20.

Yes I think I may have been shooting myself in the foot a bit when I mentioned it to my friend. To be honest it was only to explain that when we were making any plans to have coffee/lunch or whatever or coming for dinner to mine, that I didn't feel I could be in her company until she felt she could apologise. I know she is an adult at 20 but still naive and if she could have just apologised and we could discuss it that would have been my hope to resolve things. I left it several days hoping she would apologise...tbh I don't believe she cared about how I felt...even though I started to discuss it at the time in the cafe but my tears got in the way and they came back to the table and I had to recover myself quickly. I was in shock at the time and tbh I had trouble responding to her at all ..tears started to come as the nanoseconds in my mind had me slapping her, going into a mental rant, or just walking out and collecting my son as I went...what I actually managed to do was say...if that's the worst I have to deal with and he can't get himself some milk...then I am probably very lucky...then he returned and it was left there....

I've just come back onto MN so will join the board for SN. ...for the most part I'm good and then when something like this happens it's difficult for me....I think I just wish I wasn't feeling like I'm fighting/defending in battles in the first place and right now I'm feeling so fed up and drained with my emotions a bit tattered and bruised. I've been through this before with so called friends...I think it's the unexpected betrayal part....you think you have a friend and then it's like they suddenly turn on you and bite....it hurts alot.

Thank you wilson x

Just to clarify situ...my friends GD is here visiting from OZ and everytime we have met up or had dinner...it was with both of them so I knew whatever plans we might make would include her unless I explained my position and feelings about it...

This 20 year old sounds very immature and like she would be intolerant of any child (NT or not).

Don't forget to be smug if she ever has her own and they don't sit like little robots and do everything they are told.

I know lovely. You think you're as tough as old boots then someone says the wrong thing and the whole thing comes tumbling down.

Please do come to SN - I'm taking a wee break (sometimes I just want to come on here and forget I have an SN DS if you see what I mean) but no doubt I'll be back on soon and the posters there are amazing. Not one of them hasn't been through what you're feeling right now. x

the saddest part about this 20yr old from oz is that her own brother 2yrs younger has always had alot of issues, long time without diagnosis, no support or just not recognised properly...a lost boy who now is in with the wrong crowd, taking drugs, has serious mental health issues and is suicidal. He's attacked his sister and it was quite serious and is part of the reason that she is over here staying with her GF....I think her resentment is now very apparent and she has simply closed herself off from any understanding....but I seriously wonder if she has been part of her brothers problems now...I know siblings can have very destructive relationships and I wonder about this now as she barely mentioned her brother without a hateful, dismissive air about him.
You never know what motivates someone to be a certain way ....

thanks worra - I do take your point. (For instance: I wouldn't expect my friends who don't have children to have the same 'rules'... Does that make sense?)

sooz - it's interesting that you mention that she has a Dbro with 'issues' and I wonder if that actually has coloured her judgement.... Maybe she feels he's been let off with things, so the minute she sees your DS do something, she would prefer it to referenced. Her attitude may not be immaturity at all? But from a lifetime of dealing with this sort of thing. Have you actually asked her what she would do, in that situation, when she's rolling her eyes? Maybe she's seen similar behaviour in her DBro.

as she explains it to me she and her bro were at school and childminders til she was about 13yrs...then she was responsible for them both. Mum has always worked. Oz is a very different system and her bro had little or no intervention or support given...I believe most of these major issues started a couple of years ago at adolesence and has escalated to the very extreme situ there is now. That the mum is trying to find a secure unit somewhere for him through state services but these are few and far between and most health services are private and paid through health insurances, etc and she is planning to move house to a 1 bed apartment once she has done this. He has psychiatrist and medication but doesn't always take them so then he gets volitile and aggressive with her...it interested me though that he hasn't directed this behaviour towards his mother or others though...
She has little or no respect for the ghetto (as she described it to me) where they live and not much care at all for her bro
I think she has alot of issues herself and I was giving her alot of support but since this has happened and she didn't and hasn't spoken to me since, I can't help her as I was and would have continued to do.
I felt she was now making an attempt to cut herself off from her family by coming here to Scotland. I do see that her behaviour probably does stem from her experiences but I also assumed I suppose that she would have a better understanding of things too....if not then to at least not be tarring others with her one example and bad experience of it.
when you meet someone with autism...well then you've met someone with autism...none are ever the same but they can have some similarity

If she phoned me even now...I'd make every effort to resolve things...I am a forgiving person and I want to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone...
I know it's all a pretty sad situation and she needs a friend...I gave her that but it's not a free for all to take pot shots at others either.

I agree with Worra.

OP, you might be fed up of explaining/justifying your dc behaviour, but if his behaviour is not normal in any way, and you want people to be understanding of that instead of judgemental, then of course you are going to have to explin why he behaves like that. People can't be expected to just know and understand if you don't tell them, can they!