AIBU to feel fed up of justifying my DS's behaviour/disposition

[soozeedol]

I am a single parent and my DS is 11yrs, ADHD and Autistic. I have, over time been abandoned and judged negatively as a bad parent and my DS bullied, assaulted, harrassed, you name it.! Changed schools on 3 occasions due to lack of support and bullying. Now this is nothing new and I know this is commonly happening to many children and families, special needs or not.
It's leaving me feeling quite lonely nowadays though because it has effected my friendships and some have passed judgements and the level of negativity towards my son is really bothering me. I discuss some of the issues and difficulties he has and try hard to help people around us to understand but I had my friends GrandD (20yrs) visiting several times and it became so obvious that her judgement was negative and unkind. She stopped even talking to my DS, rolling her eyes when he was saying or doing something she disapproved of or giving him the evil eye stare and enlisted support when doing this from another visiting friend. Then to my face she announces that my DS is a DIVA and just attention seeking! I was taken aback with shock and left very upset by this. I felt I needed to tell her GrandF about this because I felt I couldn't visit or socialise around her and that I felt she needed to apologise and know she has no right to insult anyone this way. Anyway, now it seems my friend won't talk to me and has seemingly turned his back on us too.(blood thicker than water) I feel so betrayed, angry she has done this and helped ruin my friendship. A friend of mine who was aware of the issues has suggested that she may be jealous of her GrandF having our friendship and may be jealous that he and my son get on so well. I don't know. All I know is that because of her unkindness, judgements and insults, I have ended up losing my very good friend and I'm heart broken, confused and fed up of people being so ignorant and unkind to us.
Sorry this is a alot to read through. I just wonder if I will ever find friends who are open and tolerant and understanding as it seems to be too much to ask and I'm running out of friends and feeling isolated. Am I supposed to sit back and allow this to happen and say and do nothing or am I meant to continue to stand up for my son and not have to tolerate this within my own home?...but lose friends because of it...it's a big sacrifice and I feel like an island.

duh..rightbuggerforit
the title says it...of course I always work to help people understand...it's very hard work and have you been in this position yourself? if you are then you must also have some understanding about this being quite wearing sometimes and we all get fed up having to...
It's esp. all the harder when you are trying to gain some understanding and some people remain stubbornly ignorant and sometimes even down right nasty about it...
How many times do you let a person insult you or your child before you feel you need to respond and deal with it? esp. when you have spent alot of time giving them as much insight and tools to be tolerant and have an understanding... and for that matter question things so instead of being negative and insulting, ask the questions so you don't make wrong judgements and upset people?
Jeez!!!...some basic respect would be good eh!...a decent dash of that would go along way

also...rightbuggerforit

I get fed up when we are socialising and the subject feels it's going to turn out all about my DS and what he's doing every 5 mins..I'm either explaining something or being asked things about it..I get fed up talking about it, I'm sure sometimes people get fed up listening...I walk a fine balance of 'need to know' and feeling I'm talking too much and hating the sound of my own voice either way....
I will of course endeavour to continue but I do get fed up sometimes...there now...have I justified enough to you so you have more understanding?
I hope so!

I can tell how hurt you are OP, but I do think you reacted in the wrong way.

Your friend is looking after his GD, who sounds like she's had a traumatic time. He is probably trying to show her love and safety and it doesn't sound likes she's had a lot of that. She probably isn't a very nice person right now, but that might change - and no doubt your friend hopes he can help her.

I think you demanding an apology from her puts him in a difficult position (even if he thinks you are right). If I were you - and thought of him as a really good friend and who I valued, I would call him up and explain that I was really hurt and why, but say that I understood his GD wasn't really in a place where she could understand other people's needs very well and probably didn't mean to be hurtful (even if that's not true).

He's got a lot on his plate too, by the sound of it. He sounds like he's been lots of help to you previously, maybe he needs some support?

yes..I sent my friend an email and have said a good deal of your points you raise. I didn't demand anything though!
I realise there are issues, of which I have been supportive and understanding about, she is young and naive, dealing with issues, silly remark, etc, etc
I only want her to realise her mistake...discuss and work things out etc...

It's been over a week now and I wonder she has any remorse or cares at all and I imagine her GF may be feeling stuck in the middle hoping she will take responsibility and make contact with me and isn't going to do it for her but at the same time he is stuck because he feels she should and is like me...waiting and hoping she will do the right thing.

blood is thicker than water though and it also has some bearing since his support and care ultimately does lie with his GD and being there for her and I understand that.

My upset comes from the fact that neither has spoken to me and I feel abandoned and very upset about this and it's difficult to deal with.

Of course maybe I am a crap mother and my son is a complete nightmare!!...maybe distress and anxiety is more about being a diva and attention seeking and I just refuse to see it.....mind you he has the same issues in school or anywhere else and runs away and hides when he's upset...do 11yr olds do this? Does your child start waving his arms around in public places and making all sorts of noises, cover his ears and end up under tables because he can't cope with something? What would you call it?...and would your normal 11yr old want to draw that much attention to himself if he could help it?....rolling eyes and evil stares come with the territory but I won't tolerate it within my home and amongst my friends

Feel like I'm ranting now...think I need to get out of here for a bit!!!
Here I am explaining and justifying again...again...again....aaarrrggggg!

I am absolutely confident that you are not a crap mother - in fact, from what you've written I'd say you were a bloody good one, doing her absolute best and that your DS is incredibly lucky to have you. But I think you are stressed and struggling and cutting off potential help and support is a knee jerk reaction (see stressed and struggling) that will only damage you in the end

One of my friends has a daughter who is highly autistic. She can't speak and probably never will and has very obvious behavioural problems. My friend is a shy, lovely woman - but as she has told me, she has had to learn to become a hard-nosed bitch and not give a shit what other people say (the tutting, looks, and sometimes awful comments). Ultimately, people who do that show themselves up to be unkind and ignorant and it's their problem. By caring what they think/say - you are giving them power.

Who cares if some damaged 20 year old thinks he's a diva. She's wrong.

I think an email is wrong. I think you should call him. But it's up to you. Good friends don't turn up very often, so it's worth looking after the ones that do - and HE didn't do anything, his GD did. Maybe you could just see him without his GD for a while, as she seems to find it difficult.

I know this is all much easier said than done and no, I'm not in your position and don't know how I'd cope if I were. But please don't be so hard on yourself.

Is it possible this woman is pissed of because she has come to visit her grandfather and they are spending all their time with you and (in her eyes) your difficult child.
Given her tough upbringing may she needs to spend time with her family on her own. Maybe she is irrationally jealous and wants her grandfather to herself for a while. Maybe she feels you and your ds are taking his time and attention away. as she is only visiting she is limited on what time she has with him. maybe she doesn't get why she has to understand your son when she only wants to visit her Grandf.
I am not saying she is right, but maybe that's how she feels.

My heart goes out to your friend and I admire every mother trying their best to be a good one...it's just not an easy job and spells many many worries, fears ...and guilt OMG don't we know this one so well lol!!!

Anyway, I'm ok and though I've been upset by this situ...I'm strong enough to put it aside and get on with things...I can't change everything so need to keep my dignity and not lose myself to the silliness over it.
My friend will either get in touch or he won't...not much I can do now and I'm thinking that if I phone him it may only cause more issue and it might be best to leave things a while longer and hope he gets in touch.
He works abroad and is due to leave again soon which will leave his GD alone again...I'm not sure whether I'll hear from her then maybe...
I was looking out for her for 2mths the last time he was away so maybe she will have time to re-think...who knows

Anyway, thank you to all you guys who have helped me discuss it and given me perspective on things. I feel sort of purged and clearer

xx

sooz - I get where you are coming from.

Dprince
I see your point...she is here with a 2yr visa and plans to study/work...it's funny that you have said this though because my mother and 1 of my friends think that this jealousy thing could be the catalyst for it.

It's a possibility and one of the reason's I've kept my distance from trying to make contact to discuss it any further...and maybe my friend is trying to work things out and get a better feel for the situation with his GD...he hasn't had much contact or been around her family for over 3yrs so it's possible he is trying to get a full picture of things with her...
I think she has alot of resentments going on towards her bro and there has been alot of issues going on for a long time at home so....well, anyone's guess how it's all manifested.
It's sad and my heart goes out to her ...it's difficult though.
Maybe her anger just gets the better of her and it's like self destruct with no stop signs....everyone gets it at some point...don't know though...
big mess really