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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to quietly drop friend...

34 replies

PenguinArmy · 21/06/2012 12:56

or do I owe her an explanation.

I have kept in touch with an old school friend and catch up when I am in my home town. We live quite different lives but have always been comfortable and for the most poart have honest direct conversations with each other.

A few years she found religion but we have largely ignored that topic as she takes things quite literally. However while meeting at my mothers house my brother and his new boyfriend came home and she made it clear to me how she felt and I feel that I can't reconcile these differences and want to end the friendship.

Do I just drop her on the quiet (facebook is the way I keep in touch with most of my old school friends) or send her a message first.

I think I would be hurt to just be dropped but OTOH explanation messages seem quite attention seeking.

OP posts:
MrsHelsBels74 · 21/06/2012 12:57

I would distance myself gradually & if she asks why then I'd tell her.

PatheticTrumpet · 21/06/2012 12:58

Move on - subtly.

Romilly70 · 21/06/2012 12:59

i would just drop her on the quiet. (unfriend her) it may well be that she doesn't notice, and if she does ask for an explanation, then tell her you felt uncomfortable about how she reacted to your (gay) brother.

WorraLiberty · 21/06/2012 12:59

I would have made it clear to her at the time to keep her homophobic nose out of my brother's business.

bialystockandbloom · 21/06/2012 13:00

Yep YABU. You need to tell her why you can't be friends with her. She needs to know that it is her homophobia and bigotry that have lost this friendship. Religion does not have to equal homophobia ffs.

typicalvirgo · 21/06/2012 13:00

How often do you see her or contact her now ?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 13:02

I agree with Bial - you should tell her exactly why you are ending this friendship. She's a bigot, you need to tell her that!

HeadfirstForHalos · 21/06/2012 13:07

Yep tell her, she's a bigot. Even if her religion makes her believe being gay is wrong (which it bloody isn't) she should have kept her opinions to herself.

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 21/06/2012 13:09

I felt the time wasn't right to grill her then, as it wasn't fair to drag my brother into it and needlessly upset him. I asked 'does your church not accept it', she replied no church does which I did counter with that's not true, some churches are not against gay marriage. My brother then entered the room (she was around a lot when he was growing up so he does know to a good degree) and so I dropped the conversation and got through to her leaving.

I initially left it a few months as she gave me a lot of baby stuff. She had recently found out she was pregnant and I had asked her to let me know if she wanted any of it back. I feel I have given her an adaquate window for this as I did say I was planning to get rid of it soon.

only a few replies so far and I can see both sides so will let more come in before commenting further.

oh I see it 3-6 times a year.

OP posts:
giraffes · 21/06/2012 13:17

tell her you're uncomfortable with her homophobia - then she'll learn from it - maybe you owe her that much. Being silently 'dropped' can be pretty awful for people, and besides it might make her wake up a bit to how much of a bigot she is being.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 13:20

You know what though penguin - it depends on what she does with her feelings - does she make it unpleasant, is she nasty about your bro or does she just feel that homosexuality is not right but thats it.

Thinking about it some more, one of my best friends is a jehovas witness, I am not and so there are lots and lots of things we dont feel the same about. Neither of us judge each other though, I ask her lots of questions because I am genuinly interested in what she believes and why and thinking about it, she doesnt agree with people of the same sex being together, but it wouldnt interfere with our friendship but then she is the sort of person who would never make an issue about it, bring it up or whatever.

badtasteflump · 21/06/2012 13:21

The best thing would be for you to tell her that her homophobia - whether driven by religion or not, it's still the same thing IMO - means you can't continue the friendship.

That would be the best thing, but I am a coward so I would probably just slowly cut her off.

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 21/06/2012 13:23

betty i think if she had kept her views to herself we would have carried on ignoring the issue and accepted we see things differently. I thought that most people knew that if you were against homosexuality you keep it to yourself. Especially where it involves a close of relation of a friend.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/06/2012 13:26

Well yes, if she is openly slating homosexuality then just call her on it - she must be a bloody dimwit as obviously you are going to side with your brother! Just tell her.....it may be a good lesson for her to learn because if she is so open with her views she will end up a lonely old woman.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 21/06/2012 13:26

I very recently cut ties with a friend because of his drugs, drink and desparately awful lifestyle. He as one of my dearest friends and I am hoping that having told him WHY I was ending the friendship, it would go some way in making him think about what he is doing to himself.

So, I would say that if you are very dear friends, then tell her. If not, just ease off on contact.

AgentProvocateur · 21/06/2012 13:27

My son is gay, and I have "lost" a couple of religious friends because of it. But they told me the felt uncomfortable around me and my son before I got the chance to tell them they were homophobic bigoted hypocrites. That's my only regret about the whole situation. Like your friend, I think they thought they had the moral high ground with their sense of righteousness..... Fuckers.

alphabite · 21/06/2012 13:35

I quietly dropped a really good friend because of her attitude to her husband. I was her bridesmaid and we were really close but I just couldn't stand back and watch her treat her new husband like sh1t. I wish I'd told her now but I just couldn't face it.

She is now divorced and won't let him see their son. Maybe if I'd said how unreasonable she was being at the time she'd have listened? I doubt it but I still wish I'd have told her.

QueenElizaBeatHer · 21/06/2012 13:37

I also agree with bialystockandbloom

emsyj · 21/06/2012 13:43

I think you should tell her why you are ending the friendship - if she was a casual acquaintance then that's one thing, but it seems she has been in your life for a long time and knows your family, so you are more entwined than that and it would be appropriate for a number of reasons to tell her why:

  1. She needs to be aware that her views are offensive to many other people and that she has offended you deeply on this occasion;
  2. It's the 'right' thing to do in terms of standing up for your brother;
  3. It prevents needless awkwardness and avoiding her/shunning her (which, IME, can be quite hard work - especially if the other person is extraordinarily thick skinned...).
fruitysummer · 21/06/2012 13:59

I think you owe her an explanation.

NoraHelmer · 21/06/2012 14:01

Be honest and tell her why you feel your friendship is at an end. She may realise then what an awful thing she's done and apologise - you never know. Hope it works out for you.

tholeon · 21/06/2012 14:10

Tell her if you can. It won't be easy to do though. Have been quietly dropped I think by an old mate and have been a bit hurt and wondering what to do about it. Just can't think why and wish I knew... Am not a bigot so it isn't that!

porcamiseria · 21/06/2012 16:46

I think to quietly drop her would be cruel, not as cruel as being a homophobe, but still cruel

tell her that you are uncomfortable with her views, they hurt you and you find it hard to continue being mates under these circumstances

Original poster
PenguinArmy · 21/06/2012 18:39

hmm, sent a message but have a long one back claiming no recollection of any comments and that she firmly believes everyone has a right to live their lives their ways. She has asked for what comments 'she said'

so now I either have a back and fro conversation and I imagine forever an awkward relationship or me saying tough and not really giving her the chance to fully counter it.

Confused
OP posts:
Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 21/06/2012 19:15

Tell her what she said and why if you value her friendship it is worth fighting for.
If you don't want to fight for it, let her go. Send her a message saying you don't want to repeat what she said, but felt you owed her an explanation, and that you would rather not hear from her.

FWIW - my friend is a devout Christian, but she was the most supportive person when her sister came out, and even helped her plan the wedding. She couldn't be prouder of her sister. Your friend needs to realise her opinion is her own, and not hide behind her religion.