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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH tonight?

42 replies

Anewstart · 21/06/2012 04:07

I have been ill lately - gallbladder related - and last night was pretty bad (think crippling stomach pain, back pain, vomiting up til 4am etc) and as a result couldn't make it into to work today. I am going to need surgery and its been scheduled for this week. DH texts me and asks if 'its still ok to go out or would u like me to come home'? He had a previous engagement scheduled with work colleagues for beers after work. He then texts later on to say 'can I stay out longer than 8'. AIBU to think that as I'm not feeling great and we have a 6 month old that perhaps coming home should have been more important than beers and that seeking approval from me via text to stay out and then stay out later was not on?

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 21/06/2012 04:19

Well. He's being a thoughtless inconsiderate arse, but you're letting him. So YABU because you should have just told him straight that you weren't well and needed his help.

Original poster
Anewstart · 21/06/2012 04:27

He knows I'm sick and it wasn't so much about needing his help - I guess I thought he'd not think twice and would have come home because it was the right thing to do and not because I had asked / told him.Sad

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 21/06/2012 04:54

The fact that he asked means he knew it was the wrong thing to do, but you DID say yes, so YABU.

Dprince · 21/06/2012 05:56

agree with mama. He knew he was being a dick, but you said yes so its you can't really complain.

Dappylittlemomma · 21/06/2012 07:03

YANBU. I totally get wanting him to be caring without being told. He's been very inconsiderate. You should ensure he realises how poorly you are with loud groaning and deaths door looks- you cannot over do this! All the best with the op

everlong · 21/06/2012 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vincettenoir · 21/06/2012 07:25

Yabu and you need to communicate your needs. But sorry to hear about all the sickness. I hope you feel better soon

balotelli · 21/06/2012 07:29

He shouldnt need to be asked.

ANy decent DH would not even ask if they knew their DW was ill enough to need surgery.

He is being a selfish prick.

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 07:36

God, he treats you like his ma - ick!

No, he shouldn't have been "asking" for time off boozing while his sick wife was at home with a baby.

How can you respect or fancy a man so childish, selfish and irresponsible?

Has he no pride in himself?

Original poster
Anewstart · 21/06/2012 11:19

When he asked the first time I replied 'I don't care either way' and the second 'just do whatever you want'. When he got home he said 'are you annoyed with me' to which I replied 'you just do whatever you like every minute of every day'. We're not talking right now - or more like I'm not talking to him. Didn't think I needed to point out the bleeding obvious - ie get the f home - but clearly I was mistaken.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 21/06/2012 11:40

Sad to say but some need it spelled out to them unequivocal guidance as to what course of action they should adopt.

You told him you didn't care either way whether he came home or not, and then you told him to do whatever he wanted to do.

He took you at your word. Hopefully, you won't make that mistake again.

yellowraincoat · 21/06/2012 11:42

I totally totally get that you want him to just care without needing to ask, because my partner can be a bit like that as well.

You should have told him straight though, some people are just a bit stupid like that.

valiumredhead · 21/06/2012 11:44

Tell him straight next time, enough of this 'do whatever you want' and then getting the hump afterwards.

Hope you feel ether soon.

manicbmc · 21/06/2012 11:47

There's no point telling him to do what he wants as that is what he will do.

Tell him you could do with some support.

elinorbellowed · 21/06/2012 11:52

God, I hate it when men (or anyone actually) puts you in the position of being the nag, or the killjoy or the mean mum. I totally understand that he should have known without being told and that "I don't care either way" and "Do whatever you like." are not the same as "Of course you go for a nice relaxing drink darling, the baby and my gall bladder will be absolutely fine." He gets to do what he wants but because he's asked permission it's OK. I probably would have responded the same way as you because I don't like to show weakness. However, I suspect you may have to cry and play up the pain you are in to make him feel guilty without resentment.
Hope you feel better soon and good luck with the surgery.

lottiegb · 21/06/2012 11:54

But he should want to come home and take care of you. That's the point isn't it. Your first text response was too ambiguous though and not true, you did care and you wanted him to care.

TheProvincialLady · 21/06/2012 12:01

He was very selfish to even consider going. The whole way that the two of you operate as a partnership sounds quite dysfunctional. I cannot abide these "guess what I really mean" and "I know what she really means but she says do what you want so I will" conversations. It puts YOU almost as much in the wrong as him. Next time try saying that you feel ill and need him at home, and if he then refuses at least you know what kind of person you are dealing with. If you are having surgery this week you will be low for at least a couple of weeks, so why don't you have the conversation now about his responsibilities and that you don't want him to go out etc until you are better.

bleedingheart · 21/06/2012 12:23

I think you should've been straight with him but he would know what you meant. 'Just do whatever you want' clearly means 'I want you to come home.'
Gall bladder issues are vile, he should be looking after you. I agree with the poster who says this is childish and making a nag out of you to make it seem he is behaving reasonably!

FredFredGeorge · 21/06/2012 12:26

Erm - he asked you if it was still okay to fulfil his prior engagement - you told him it was, when really it wasn't. So YABVU to be annoyed that he did what you told him it was okay to do. He's not a mind reader.

If I was sick I wouldn't expect my DP to cancel any engagement unless I told her I wasn't well enough to look after a 6mo old.

Downandoutnumbered · 21/06/2012 14:17

FredFredGeorge - really? I agree that OP should have been more direct (because her partner is obviously a bit of a twit who needs stuff spelt out in words , but if my partner were ill and had surgery scheduled, I'd offer to cancel without being asked!

FredFredGeorge · 21/06/2012 14:32

Downandoutnumbered So you'd cancel everything for many days because surgery was scheduled at in the future, he wasn't going out whilst she was on her way to the hospital? And in any case - he did offer to cancel, he was told he didn't have to. How exactly would you have done it differently?

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 14:44

"So you'd cancel everything for many days because surgery was scheduled at in the future."

Yes, of course.

Obviously.

Because I am not a selfish twat who would leave my husband in charge of a baby when he was so unwell he needed surgery.

"he did offer to cancel, he was told he didn't have to."

Hmm

He's a grown man with a baby, not a 17 year old who hasn't revised for his A-levels.

Even asking the question should have been beneath him.

If my husband was that childish I'd never fuck him again.

Talk about unsexy - having to tell a grown man that he's needed at home when his wife is so sick she needs surgery.

Utterly pathetic.

Who is raising these incompetent, embarrassing morons?

FredFredGeorge · 21/06/2012 14:58

I would be massively pissed off with a partner of mine who decided that I "needed looking after" without actually asking me, or felt she wasn't able to trust my response to be honest if I said no. It's completely unsexy to me to be "mothered" by a partner, if I say I don't need help, I don't need help, don't decide I do, and don't cancel your own plans to do something that's not wanted.

Pandemoniaa · 21/06/2012 15:06

He's been extremely thoughtless and selfish. But I don't think it helps to counter this sort of thoughtlessness with a reply like "Just do whatever you want". Because he clearly needs to get an honest reply. Which should have been "No. You know that I'm really ill at the moment so I'd like you to come home to be with me and DS".

I'm not excusing his behaviour but you've basically given him permission to do exactly what you didn't want him to do.

AThingInYourLife · 21/06/2012 15:10

It wasn't the OP who needed looking after.

It was the baby.

Good fathers do not leave sick mothers in charge of babies do they can go on the piss.

Lots of shit ones do, though.

Leaving sick women to deal with babies while they are having fun is a real speciality of this particular type of useless twat.

And the responses were clearly coming from someone pissed off at a grown man acting like a bold teenager trying to wangle as much time off having fun as possible.

"do what you like" is very far from "honestly, I'll be fine. I don't need you."

It's not mothering your spouse to care about them. What disingenuous bullshit.

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