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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the school that this teacher does not teach my dd again

69 replies

ChangyChangyChangy · 20/06/2012 16:35

Hi have namechanged as have rl friends here and they may recognise me from this.

About 3 years ago dp and I seperated and he had a fling with a girl we both know. It all ended and he and I got back together. We have since had a second child. She has since started a relationship with a very good friend of his and had a child. She is on the periphery of our lives all the time, she came to a family memorial thing lately which I found a bit odd, and she is in the same group of friends with my best friend from school. She worked in dd's school for a year which always kind of niggled with me, but left after maternity leave, so hasn't worked there is about a year and a half.

Last September dp went out and left his phone behind and rang me to ask me was his phone at home. When I found it there were messages on it, asked him did he want me to read them out? He said yes and I found messages from her. Very flirty messages, reminiscing about the sex they had, laughing and joking, saying they were great times. I was of course very upset about it, we talked it all out, he apologised. Sorted. Forgotten.

Until dd came home from school today saying this girl had subbed for her teacher and dad and her were talking in the yard after school. DD doesn't know anything about dp and the other girl btw, knows they are friends, assumes I am also friendly with her. She was delighted with the novelty of having someone she knows of teaching her (just gone 7)

Can I ring the school and ask that she doesn't teach her class again? It makes me so uncomfortable, and I find it really innappropriate tbh. I think texting messages like that to the parent of a pupil really unethical as well as upsetting for the other parent (me)
I'm not at all worried about anything starting up with dp and her again, I trust him, I even trust her but something about it all just doesn't sit right with me.

Am totally prepared to be told IABU btw, will accept if I am

OP posts:

elvisaintdead · 20/06/2012 18:59

On what grounds could the school take her to task though? On the say so of the wife of an ex? She could deny the messages and he may well do the same. Even if she agreed they had taken place, they had a previous relationship prior to her being the daughters (supply) teacher and mix in the same circles socially so it's not as though she struck up a relationship with a parent that she only knew through being the child's teacher. I think the union would have a field day if they approached her with that one.

Like another poster, I can imagine how the conversation with the school would go - the op would seem a bit unhinged imo. Far better to deal with the husband with whom the blame lies imo

Birdsgottafly · 20/06/2012 19:03

If she has txt your DH whilst teaching at the school she has acted somewhat inappropriately.

Teachers have a code of conduct and this is more readily enforced at religious schools. The head would address this.

This is why teachers can be disciplined for posting drunken pictures on FB etc.

I agree that it is him that needs to agree the boundaries, but if anything else happens, then i would approach the school.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 19:07

why is it not catholic behaviour? Who says she is catholic or the school expect her to behave in a 'catholic' way.
All this woman has done is kept in touch with an ex. She didn't have an affair or meet him through the school. They are in the same social circles.
Imo the texts could not have been that bad as the op moved on. They were laughing and reminiscing. In the ops opinion they may have been flirty, but that's her opinion its not a fact. The OP was not happy and , as far as she knows, stopped.
As far as I am aware schools do not expect their teachers to drop friends because they teach their children.

GrahamTribe · 20/06/2012 19:14

Hold on a moment! The woman (not "girl", OP ) sent the messages last September. Only now is she working in the class containing the OP's daughter. You're surely not telling me, guys, that the woman can be reprimanded for sending texts to an ex-boyfriend and parent of a child who she wouldn't be teaching for another 9 months and who she didn't even know she'd be teaching at all?! (IYSWIM)

GrahamTribe · 20/06/2012 19:19

Sorry, I pressed send too soon. You see, if this Catholic school is willing to take notice/action of the fact that the woman sent texts to an ex-boyfriend while gleaning via ESP that in 9 months time she'd be teaching his daughter it's quite possible that they might nominate her for sainthood based on her powers of clairvoyance.

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 19:20

Your DP doesn't sound great TBH.

The problem is with him, although she sounds like a dick too.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 19:22

I wonder what the teachers view of this is?
She goes out with a single man. They finish, single man gets back with ex. They keep in touch and man then says his dp isn't happy they text eachother. So they stop. Mans dd happens to go to a school she supplies at. Mans dp attempts to reduce her work ability because of....what exactly.
I would be seething if I was her and you went to the school tbh.

Badgercub · 20/06/2012 19:25

"It is not professional of the teacher to be sending the texts"

Oh, because god forbid that teachers text their friends! How awful of us to have friends and social lives.

I must remember to terminate that friendship I've had for 20 years, just because her daughter happens to attend my school now. It's unprofessional of me.

Marne · 20/06/2012 19:26

I think the school will think YABU

As others have said 'the problem is with you and your husband', if you can not trust him ( i wouldn't trust him if i was in your shoes ) then theres no pint in being with him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life checking up on him and worrying that he may cheat on you again?

This lady is a teacher and its her job to teach, i know it must be hard for you but you don't want your dd finding out what has happened.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 19:29

Actually, say the OP does go to the school and the school agree its inappropriate and stop using her or, even if they don't and the teacher views this as her exs vindictive gf trying to put her out of work? Would that put the OP in a legally vulnerable position?
I am not saying it will, I am asking the question.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2012 20:46

I wouldn't have thought so,Dprince, unless the OP says something which is untrue.

The school could be in a vulnerable position legally. that said, supply teachers are hired as and when needed - if the school just stopped hiring this one, the teacher would find it hard to prove that she is being discriminated against. She probably doesn't have a contract or any kind of definite legal commitment from the school.

Everyone would know though that it came from the OP. I wouldn't want the school knowing my business. While it's horrible and uncomfortable, it is, as has been said, the dp at fault, not the teacher.

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 20:49

All you will look like is a vindictive trouble maker.

mumnosbest · 20/06/2012 21:11

Sorry dprince i reread the op they were seperated at the time so he was single. However if she has been texting since knowing he's not single then id say its not very catholic/christian or even moral behaviour and if you teach in a catholic school you are expected to uphold those beliefs and attitudes eg not having an affair.

igggi · 20/06/2012 22:14

it will be hard to explain to the school why this woman is so wicked she should not be allowed to earn a living teach your dd, when your dh has been seen chatting away to her in the playground.

Like other posters, I think it's your dh's behaviour that's causing you pain, not hers.

t0lk13n · 20/06/2012 23:15

Really?!! Your husband is the problem not the teacher. I think you need to be careful what vibes you are giving off re this teacher as your daughter will pick up on it!

EugenesAxe · 20/06/2012 23:25

Sorry but I think YABU. It's transferring what's your issue to your DD; she likes this lady as a teacher and to me that should be prioritised.

I don't even think teacher/ pupil's parent relationship is wrong or unethical; they are both adults.

I think if you trust your DH you are behaving a bit weirdly TBH, and not in the way I'd expect someone who really did trust him to do.

ravenAK · 20/06/2012 23:47

Realistically, the school might well tell her it is inappropriate for her to exchange friendly/flirty texts with a pupil's father.

To which she would explain that she hasn't had this sort of contact with your dh for several months, & was hardly to know that his dd would subsequently be her student.

They'll say: 'Don't text him', she'll say 'Well, d'uh. Obviously not as he's now not my ex, he's the parent of one of my students'.

You will look slightly nuts, as she hasn't done anything inappropriate. Honestly, best left (& agree that the real row is with your dh for remaining on texting terms with an ex gf whilst you're making a go of your reconciliation).

Bucharest · 21/06/2012 07:59

"It is not professional of the teacher to be sending the texts"

So in what way, exactly is it unprofessional for a single woman, who went out with an erstwhile single man when she wasn't working at the Op's dd's school?

(not addressed to the OP,who has I think taken on board that she will appear seriously deranged if she contacts the school on the basis of the above) but to the poster who said it. )

My single friend carried on a long term affair with a married man at the Catholic secondary school they both worked in and every member of staff, including the head knew. She even arranged for them to do camping trips together.They were just told to be discreet in front of the kids so all this business about oooer Catholic is a buit urban mythy.

Bucharest · 21/06/2012 08:12

Though as I said on p1, I still think you've got an elephant.

3 yrs ago you separated. He had a relationship with someone during that time. You got together again, and had another child. She starts a relationship and has a child. But less than a year ago you find texts. Which you talk about and "sort".

How was it sorted exactly? Can I predict that you'll say that the texts were all from her and he never responded? Was telling her to stop and she wouldn't? Did he have to get really cross and threaten to tell her new partner/his friend? Did you ask him why he hadn't told you about the texts before you found them? Or was the day you found them the first day she'd sent them? Are you sure they stopped? How? Because you trust him implicitly? What did he say when you told him you were thinking of talking to the school?

Concentrate less on your dd's education and more on the above questions. Because as I said before, you are obviously worried, and you might, or might not, have reason to be. But not about the school.

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