Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask the school that this teacher does not teach my dd again

69 replies

ChangyChangyChangy · 20/06/2012 16:35

Hi have namechanged as have rl friends here and they may recognise me from this.

About 3 years ago dp and I seperated and he had a fling with a girl we both know. It all ended and he and I got back together. We have since had a second child. She has since started a relationship with a very good friend of his and had a child. She is on the periphery of our lives all the time, she came to a family memorial thing lately which I found a bit odd, and she is in the same group of friends with my best friend from school. She worked in dd's school for a year which always kind of niggled with me, but left after maternity leave, so hasn't worked there is about a year and a half.

Last September dp went out and left his phone behind and rang me to ask me was his phone at home. When I found it there were messages on it, asked him did he want me to read them out? He said yes and I found messages from her. Very flirty messages, reminiscing about the sex they had, laughing and joking, saying they were great times. I was of course very upset about it, we talked it all out, he apologised. Sorted. Forgotten.

Until dd came home from school today saying this girl had subbed for her teacher and dad and her were talking in the yard after school. DD doesn't know anything about dp and the other girl btw, knows they are friends, assumes I am also friendly with her. She was delighted with the novelty of having someone she knows of teaching her (just gone 7)

Can I ring the school and ask that she doesn't teach her class again? It makes me so uncomfortable, and I find it really innappropriate tbh. I think texting messages like that to the parent of a pupil really unethical as well as upsetting for the other parent (me)
I'm not at all worried about anything starting up with dp and her again, I trust him, I even trust her but something about it all just doesn't sit right with me.

Am totally prepared to be told IABU btw, will accept if I am

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/06/2012 17:04

What if they don't have another sub available though?

Teachers and TAs and LSAs in my school often cover for each other, but we are a very small school. I don't think any of us would appreciate being told who we could and couldn't ask to cover us based on things that went on outside of school and were nothing to do with the teaching or the children.

But you know YABU so it doesn't matter

Limejelly · 20/06/2012 17:09

OP by last September, do you mean this September just gone? As that would mean she was sending 'flirty texts' to a parent while she is working in the same school as his child.

I don't know, it's a difficult situation. I can't decide if I think YABU or not!

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2012 17:10

As much as I'd feel the same way as you, if you approach the school, they will know all your personal business, so I think you are doing the right thing in not approaching them. I'd hate for the staff room to know all about it, if it was me.
Being a Catholic school, they probably would disapprove of her having a relationship with a man who was technically married. You might damage her career, but from most people's standpoint, she hasn't actually done anything wrong, in that she wasn't an OW and your dh was separated from you.

I agree with the posters who say the real problem here, is your dh continuing to exchange texts with her and flirting. I think he should be polite to her, if they meet at school though - it would be scummy to snub someone you once had sex with and I would not respect my dh if he did that to another woman, even if it was a woman he'd cheated on me with. I would expect him not to contact her or remain friends, but I wouldn't like him to trample on someone's feelings. If a man did that to me, I would feel like he thought I was worthless and that would be a nasty thing to do.

You do need to have serious words though about appropriate behaviour from him and if she is to continue teaching your dd, she now has to treat your dh the way she would any other parent and not as a former lover, because in a professional context she now has to consider you, because you are the other parent of a child in her class.

Original poster

ChangyChangyChangy · 20/06/2012 17:23

Yes, Spetmeber 2011.
To be honest though, I'm not sure that she is employed by the school, seems to be working more on a ad hoc basis. Can that happen?
I wouldn't expect either of them to ignore each other, that would be rude, but a passing "Hi, how are you?" is more like it.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 20/06/2012 17:26

What Jumping said at the top of this page.
Of course she can do supply teaching on an ad hoc basis. That' s how most supply teachers work. No school would be interested in the other facts. It's history, and wasn't an affair even at the time. Nothing to do with the school.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2012 17:28

Schools often have a bank of supply staff that they call upon on an ad hoc basis. That being the case, she may not ever be a regular teacher to your child. There is a risk though, if a staff member is long term sick or on maternity leave, that she will be in the school.

mummytime · 20/06/2012 17:39

I would talk to the head privately, because being an occasional/rare supply teacher I would suck up but I couldn't put up with her becoming my child's class teacher.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 17:42

I don't think a catholic school would take a dim view. You don't have to be catholic to work there. And would they take a dim view of. A single man and single girl have a fling, split and man gets back with his ex. Now girl happens to work at a school where man sends his kids. They still chat as are in same circle of friends. Am I missing where she has done something wrong.
As for a teacher sending flirty texts to a Childs father, its not really that is it. Its a person sending chatty texts to an ex she is still friends with. Many teachers are friends with the parents. Especially when they knew them before.
I think the school will believe you are being vindictive and jealous.

JoanOfNark · 20/06/2012 17:45

Um no. You can't go into school and say "Hi, I don't want my kid being taught by her, she shagged my husband". Shagging your husband can't get her fired.

And why are you focused on this inconsequential thing when your husband is still fucking you about?

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2012 17:45

I thought to Catholic school might have an issue because the man was still married (although separated).

ComposHat · 20/06/2012 17:48

They may or may take a dim view, but this woman has done nothing illegal, or comprised her position as a teacher. She has a right to a private life.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 17:49

The op refers to dp not dh. And no they wouldn't have an issue. They may have if the couple split and then they started seeing eachother or had an affair and had met through the school. But this is all before. They won't care, especially if she is well liked.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/06/2012 17:50

Agree that she hasn't done anything to warrant losing her job. I thought the OP was married, but if not, then my apologies for not reading it properly.

BackforGood · 20/06/2012 17:52

In a lot of cases, you take the supply teacher that's available anyway! There's not always a long list you can start to short list from!

Dprince · 20/06/2012 17:52

Also I went to catholic school. Was taught by a woman who left her db for another woman. So was still married but living in sin with a woman. She was still 'allowed' to teach. She was a fab teacher. Her personal life is her personal life.

Bonsoir · 20/06/2012 17:53

I would make a private appointment with the Head, be frank and truthful about the situation and ask that your DD not be taught by this woman.

elvisaintdead · 20/06/2012 17:55

yabu, the issue here is with your husband and you need to agree exactly what the boundaries are with regards to contact with this ex fling.

Honest opionion, reading the post it comes across that you are annoyed with her and out to cause trouble for her with the school - she hasn't actually done anythig wrong in their eyes and I think you wouldn't come across very well if you try to ban her from teaching your daughter.

Talk to your DH, make it clear what you will and won't tolerate - if she subbed for your daughter then it's probably not going to be a regular thing anyway

JustFabulous · 20/06/2012 17:56

I think you might have grounds for not being happy, and therefore speak to the school, if this woman tries to talk to your child innappropriately. ie pump her for info.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 18:08

Anyone else imagining the conversation with the school?

JumpingThroughHoops · 20/06/2012 18:10

I'm imagining the school asking if the parents would like to remove the pupil.

FallenCaryatid · 20/06/2012 18:41

Your husband sounds dreadful, inconsiderate and thoughtless at best, spiteful and trying to manipulate your feelings at worst.
You need to sort out or end the relationship between you rather than worrying about the ex lover.
Catholic schools are full of children from broken relationships, with divorced and remarried parents and the full range of Biblically inappropriate choices, so the fact she had sex outside of marriage and is still talking to him is unlikely to be an issue they want to take up.
Moving your DD to another school won't stop the texts or the contact, your OH needs to work out WTF he is doing to his marriage and to you.

Hulababy · 20/06/2012 18:49

Actually - some schools would listen and would be very about a teacher sending such texts to a parent in school. Chances are they would speak to the teacher about the matter and get her side too. It is not professional of the teacher to be sending the texts especially when the child is in one of the classes she may well be teaching. Schools would like down on that aspect of the behaviour. They may not be able to prevent her teaching your DD all the time but she would, ime, be viewed dimly about her current behaviour.

However, I do feel that you also need to be having some very serious conversations with your partner. He should be telling this woman in no uncertain terms that she isn't to contact him or make small talk in the playground. If he is serious about you and him then he should have no issue with this.

Hulababy · 20/06/2012 18:51

To be honest - this reason for not wanting a given teacher teaching your child is more valid than any of the reasons some parents come up with!

mumnosbest · 20/06/2012 18:56

As it all happened when she wasnt actually teaching your dd she hasnt acted unproffessionally but given her history, she should stay away now shes teaching her. Not very catholic behaviour imo

youve got the upper hand. Give a few dirty looks and maybe shell request not to teach that class.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 18:58

If they ask the teacher about the texts, she will say 'he is my ex and we are in the same circle of friends and are still in contact as friends they were not flirty texts they were chatty reminiscing texts. With an ex who is now a friend who's dd happens to attend here.'
The school will then agree the OP is vindictive. All the OPs friends would possibly find out that she has tried to get this woman off the schools list and stop her earning a wage.
I hope the school has better things to deal with than 'she slept with my boyfriend etc'
What if this woman teaches another class will the OP ask the school to ban anything more than an hello to the dp?

Flip

1 2 3