AIBU about downstairs neighbour?

[Hyca]

Hi, namechanger, I don't want to be outed in case my neighbour is on here!

I live in a 3 story house, my neighbour lives in the basement flat. We have been here for about 6 years, she lives there with her partner, been there about 18 months I think.

She has just come up to complain about the noise we make, and I am really annoyed with her.

She is in her 20s, but never goes out, stays in at the weekend, never has parties etc. She says hi if she passes, but isn't very friendly - her partner is a bit more chatty, goes out more often etc.

Anyway, today she came up to ask me to keep the noise down. She has done this before, about a year ago, it was summer and we were having a lot of barbeques and parties with friends - nothing too late or loud, but we had people round til about 2 in the morning maybe twice a week. Our garden is beside their bedroom, so I could see how it might be annoying, but it's not like it was every night. I apologised that time.

Now she's come up to say that a. my husband wakes her up every morning at 7 because he walks too heavily across the kitchen and b. she is working from home at the moment and that it is impossible to concentrate because of the noise my children and I make.

I am at home all day with my baby twins - we go out for about 2 hours in the afternoon, but with the crap weather, we are in a lot. She says that there is nowhere in the house she can sit in peace (maybe because our house is open plan and the noise carries.) She asked me to stop dropping things (!!!) and to maybe take the babies upstairs sometimes so she could work.

I honestly think she's being unreasonable. I'm not doing anything I shouldn't do - yes, I sing and chat to my babies, maybe I drop things sometimes, but what am I supposed to do? Sit in silence and never pick anything up in case it falls?

I said I was sorry, but I don't know what else she wants me to do.

AIBU?

Carpets would make a huge difference as well, like everyone says. You use them (or something very similar anyway) on walls to soundproof a room in a music studio, so of course it will make a difference on the floor.

yabu BUT I agree about carpets being unhygeni. Even if you don't drop food and drinks on them (which is hard when you have dc) they pick up muck terribly.

You could put some thick washable rugs down in areas that get a lot of traffic...halllways etc....put non slip things on the bottom.

Yabu for parties but you know that.

Yanbu for not putting down carpets just to suit your neighbour. Sorry but family noise from 7 to 9 is acceptable.

I have been the single homebody neighbour living directly below a lively family, and it was really tough to live with at times. Thankfully I'm a heavy sleeper but even so I would often get woken up early in the morning when the two young boys decided to recreate Ben-Hur through the upstairs flat, and the parents rowing together and screaming at the kids used to make me flinch and turn to headphones to drown them out! When you live in close proximity to other people you have to accept a certain level of noise, but you also have to be considerate and show a little respect to your neighbours.

A young family in a flat with downstairs neighbours should not = wooden floors in my book; please do consider taking reasonable steps to prevent the natural noise from your daily life intruding on your downstairs neighbour. Carpets or at least rugs are not the devil's work!

Just by-the-by, if she pays rent/her mortgage just like you, then surely she is entitled to spend as much time in her flat as she likes! Expecting her to go somewhere else to escape the noise is a bit cheeky. (I'd want to only pay half rent if that was the case, then I could afford to work from a coffee shop all day!)

Another one feeling very sorry for your downstairs neighbour.

You shouldn't have to go out - but neither should she.

I'm surprised that your lease doesn't make some provision for floor coverings but even if it doesn't, given that she has made it clear how severely your current set up is affecting her I'm astounded that you wouldn't consider putting down carpets with a decent underlay. They will make a huge difference.

YABVVVU.

I used to have a job which meant some evenings I was working until 3am. My retired neighbours always thought it absolutely necessary to do loud DIY at 7am.

When they refused to compromise, I decided not to be quiet and considerate when I returned home, and started banging doors, playing loud music etc at 3am. It only took a few nights of this for the neighbours to realise we should respect each other's sleep patterns.

I expect she will soon start a noisy hobby when the twins have just settled for the night.

"we could hear everything they did, going to the toilet, the doorbell ringing, their washing machine going, them having sex... it really is very intrusive.

These are all noises to be expected in a flat though! Maybe not the sex..."

i disagree. we didn't have any noise issues in our previous ground floor flat. and we had no issues with this one either until they ripped out the carpets and moved new (noisy) tenants in

so did they purchase an extra loud washing machine? Or fit an extra loud doorbell? Or even an extra loud flush

This has reminded me of an incredibly unreasonable neighbour I once had. He kicked off about every tiny little noise I made (we lived in a block of flats made of cardboard).

I could understand it if I was playing loud music or having parties...but I wasn't. He was a complete psycho and kicked off once at the noise of me pouring the cat litter in the litter tray. He tried to kick the front door off over that one. Funnily enough, he always waited until my then DP had left for work to start his shit.

Just be glad you don't have a neighbour like that 0_o

I used to live below a couple who took all their carpeting up and put down floorboards. I could hear everything - the telly, every footstep, the radio, weeing, having sex, everything I knew where they were in the flat at all times.

Wooden floors are dreadful if you have neighbours below you, absolutely dreadful. And if your home is open plan, that must mean it's even worse.

I feel really sorry for your neighbour tbh

i would also just add that I'm sure no-one expects you not to sing to the baby, or accidentally drop things etc etc, it's just that when you live your entire life listening to noise constantly that you can't control even the little things start to really grate.

i suspect if some of the bigger issues were sorted (ie not waking her in the morning- can dh attempt to just be a bit quieter?) then the small things wouldn't bother her so much

biscuitnibbler has it spot on i think. it's about respecting each other.

it's totally unfair to say "if you live in a flat it's tough if there is noise".... there are things you can do to be kinder to your neighbours, and clearly that works both ways

I'm sorry OP, but you do sound a bit unreasonable.

Converted houses are murder for noise issues, as they have no deafening between the floors like flats do. If you don't want to put in carpets (it's the easiest and cheapest solution), maybe you could offer to put some money towards some ceiling insulation. It would involve her lowering her ceilings a bit, but I believe it can make a big difference.

Yes, you do need to live and noise is part of that. However, you don't seem willing to compromise at all which suggests you don't really give a sh*t.

Anyone else wondering if this is a reverse AIBU?

Nope - why would it be? The downstairs neighbour isn't likely to do it, is she? Can't see the "unhygienic carpets" figuring in a reverse AIBU.

You are not alone barbara. It just doesn't quite click does it?

OP, can you imagine for a moment what your neighbour would say if this was their AIBU?

Perhaps, 'Twice a week i've been woken up repeatedly untill after 2am, not even by them but by their guests who they don't ask to be quiet/ avoid smoking outside my bedroom window',

'they refuse to put down any sort of floor coverings and so i can hear every detail of their family life',

'i find it so difficult to get any peace and quiet that even things that wouldn't normally wind me up, like footsteps, now get to me'.

'To top it all off this person treats me and my feelings with contempt, partly because i am yonger than her and she doesn't approve of my lifestyle, and partly because she thinks i should go out and let her behave as selfishly as she likes, yet she thinks i'm a 'moaning minny'

OP, you are letting yourself down.

Well OP has stopped coming back to defend herself....

Got to be a reverse. No-one is actually so unreasonable as to have parties until 2am a couple of times a week and think that's OK surely? I'm sure the noise reverberating through the un-soundproofed floor was enough to piss the poor downstairs neighbour off even without the occasional loud, drunk idiots smoking outside her bedroom window!

And no-one is really selfish enough to have nothing but floorboards in an upstairs flat surely?

You sound incredibly irritable - are you perhaps aware that you've been inconsiderate in the past are instead of feeling guilty about it, you've decided it's her fault, just for being downstairs?

I can't believe you think it's fine for her to go out to avoid your noise, but not ok for you to go upstairs, even for a bit, within your own house!

The OP doesn't want to listen to suggestions. She thinks she is entitled to do what she wants and others will have to put up with it.

MY carpets aren't unhygienic! I'm just glad I'm not the downstairs neighbour. Hopefully the neighbour will be able to move out and someone really noisy will move in - then OP will know how she feels, but she will never empathise.

Blather they do! A relative of mine lived in a ground floor flat, never had any problems with the upstairs neighbours - eventually they couldn't manage there and moved to a care home. (Not specifically for the elderly but older people living there). The upstairs flat was bought as a buy-to-let and carpets were ripped up and laminate was out down. From then on living underneath was horrendous. Alternatively I lived in a flat and only ever heard noise in the hallway or outside the main entrance.

OP I agree with the other posters - yabu not to consider some compromises - carpets, rugs, even slippers?!

Carpets make a huge difference, they really do. And parties twice a week through the entire summer IS a lot, particularly if the smokers were hanging directly above her bedroom window until 2am. I bet they were chatting, not silently smoking a fag!

And not everyone is a party animal! You sound like you're judging her for being a homebody. There's nothing wrong with wanting quiet enjoyment of your home! it's ok to like to be in your home!

There are things you can do that would be reasonable. Get carpets/rugs. Don't have shoes on in the house. Even a big bloke won't make that much noise padding round the kitchen in his bare feet (if he actually IS barefoot then I withdraw that one! But I wonder if he's got his shoes on). Don't have parties twice a week every week for the whole summer or if you do, have your guests go away from her bedroom window - far end of the garden perhaps - to smoke. Or ask them to not chat while they're out there. You have to give a bit in the interests of neighbourly relations.

However, where she's being unreasonable is expecting to hear no noise. People have to live. You are going to make some noise.

I bet though, if you did those things that you can do, the other stuff wouldn't bother her as much. It's probably that you seem like you'll do nothing that is building up the resentment in her.

Oh - and carpets are easier on a baby's head when they topple over. as they will, many, many times.

Banging onto laminate hurts a lot more than onto carpet!

you do realise don't you that because you won't put carpet down, your neighbour hears your conversations, arguments, possibly you and your DH having sex.

So in effect you have no privacy. So perhaps you might consider putting down carpets for both your and your neighbour's sake?