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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBI to have sent this child home?

48 replies

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 09:34

We live in a little cul-de-sac of 8 houses, and my children have become quite close friends with my 3 doors down neighbour's children.

The kids usually play out the front together, in my house, or in her house. Yesterday I had 3 (2 boys, 1 girl) of her kids in my house from around 5ish.

It was getting on for dinner time, so I was pottering in the kitchen, getting dinner ready when one of her sons hit my youngest (a proper hit, not squabbly pushing/shoving). I had words and told him if it happened again, he'd have to go home.

Then, I went out into the garden to give the veggie peelings to my kids guinea pigs. While I was out there, I moved their run into a new patch of garden, topped up their hay, water, etc, so I was a good few minutes. Came back in to find him sat on my kitchen worktop stuffing biscuits into his face that he'd raided from the cupboards. Took the biscuits away and made him get down. Had a few more words (I don't mind him having the biscuits per se, it's just that a) I expect him to ask first and not raid my cupboards, and b) it was getting on for dinner time so didn't think his mum would want him back stuffed full of biscuits).

He wandered off back outside, where my youngest and my neighbour's youngest were playing, next thing he thumps his younger sister in the small of the back - it was a good old whack, I heard it from the kitchen, so I sent him home

It's now ended up in a huge row with my neighbour as it's not "my place" to discipline him

She does have problems with her son (she has 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls - he's the youngest boy, 2nd oldest child). He's very aggressive, argumentative and rude and she does her best with him. I find him a complete handful, but he's welcome to come and play as long as he behaves himself but I'm not prepared to put up with his aggression.

As far as I see it, it's my house, and if he can't behave himself in it, I have every right to send him home

OP posts:
bronze · 18/06/2012 09:35

Yanbu

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 18/06/2012 09:37

You didn't discipline him, you sent him home. Just because he's a violent theif doesn't alter that. (And yes, I do know he's a child, but if he doesn't learn now, one day he'll be six feet tall, weigh 12 stone and smack someone in the back or help himself to something that isn't his, and end up in jail)

MaryPoppinsBag · 18/06/2012 09:38

YANBU

Imisssleepingin · 18/06/2012 09:39

So you are supposed to let him eat what he wants and hit who he wants and say nothing ?
She is bonkers, you are not.

DrowninginDuplo · 18/06/2012 09:39

Yanbu. If someone had done this to me I would be incandescent with rage. You didn't discipline him, you send him home.

GoingToThePark · 18/06/2012 09:40

Yanbu. She is a dick if she can't realise that you would not find that behaviour acceptable. Her best ain't good enough if that is the way he behaves towards young kids especially in someone else's house. She can't control him so she shouldn't expect others to put up with him.

StripyMagicDragon · 18/06/2012 09:40

YANBU

cuttingpicassostoenails · 18/06/2012 09:41

YANBU. You did not discipline her child,you simply sent him home for her to do it. Does she really think that her children should be allowed to wreak havoc in someone else's home with no repercussion? You addressed his bad conduct in a reasonable way.

Herrena · 18/06/2012 09:41

He hit your youngest and you told him not to: seems fair to me.

He took food without asking and was sat on the kitchen worktop: removing biscuits and telling him to get down also seems reasonable, although wouldn't merit as much of 'words' as previous incident IYSWIM.

He thumped his sister so you sent him home: in a way I can see that him hitting his sister might be seen as none of your business, but he did it on your watch and it was part of a trend of poor behaviour so personally I can see why you sent him home.

I haven't been in the situation where I've had to discipline others kids than my own but to me it seems like (unless you really yelled at him) your response was not unreasonable.

I feel a bit sorry for your neighbour though, it sounds like she has her hands full. Is it possible she blew up because she was already stressed and this was the final straw? Do you and she get on well normally?

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 09:42

So you are supposed to let him eat what he wants and hit who he wants and say nothing ? She is bonkers, you are not.

That seems to be the gist of it yes Confused

She's not normally so unhinged so I'm wondering if there's something more to it, than just me sending her son home

OP posts:
Heavensmells · 18/06/2012 09:42

YANBU at all!

Rosa · 18/06/2012 09:42

Your house your rules...YANBU at all...

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 18/06/2012 09:43

She probably sent them all to yours so she could be rid of them for a while, and you sending them back cramped her style. God forbid she might look after her own children! Hmm

Helenh90 · 18/06/2012 09:44

YANBU
Parents like this really annoy me, and they wonder why they have 'problem' children!

OddBoots · 18/06/2012 09:45

Do you think he has told his mum that you did any more than send him home?

mistlethrush · 18/06/2012 09:45

Of course you do! I would not have stood for it either.

My attitude is that, if I am in charge of any children I expect them (and ds) to behave in an appropriate manner and I will stop innappropriate behaviour - and that includes talking to DS's friends when at 'event's where I can't see the parent easily and its best just to make sure things don't get out of hand.

julieann42 · 18/06/2012 09:46

I have done the same in similar circumstances! When I took the child back to his mum, she asked him if he had been good and he very proudly announced to her that he had hit his sister and pushed her off my childrens slide! The mother didn't fall out with me...

MateyM00 · 18/06/2012 09:47

i dont think you are being unreasonable at all....

but

what did HE tell her happened?

Mrsjay · 18/06/2012 09:48

You didnt discipline him you sent him home you dont have to accept his behaviour in your house that isnt disciplining , I hope this doesnt escalate as you all have to live as neighbours/friends I do think some mothers do react badly to childrens bad behaviour, you did the right thing

DailyMailSpy · 18/06/2012 09:49

Confused you didn't discipline him though, you just asked him to leave your home. Do you think he's said something different to his mum other than 'I've been asked to leave x's house for hitting'?

hattifattner · 18/06/2012 09:49

YANBU. I had one of my DS1s friends over and he liked to hit my youngest DS2. I told him he would never come to our house again if he ever laid another hand on him. Knowing the consequences, and being quite certain I would enforce them (I used The Voice) , meant he never hurt my DS2 again.

I think that if you are happy to have the child back in your home, you should read him the rules and consequences before they start playing and then send him home immediately for any infraction.

If mother continues to be arsey with you, tell her that her children may not play at yours again unless she accepts that in your home, your rules apply.

Mrsjay · 18/06/2012 09:55

OP maybe she finds him as much a handful as you do , try and speak to her without children around she is maybe harassed,

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 10:00

Thanks!

I didn't yell or shout, I was quite calm about it.

My neighbour and I are quite close, our kids are close and are always in and out of each other's houses, we watch each other's kids, pick them up from school in emergencies for each other, etc.

I know she's struggling with his aggression and as we're quite good friends, we probably put up with more from her son, than we would any other visiting child. It was proper hitting, especially the thump to his younger sister, I wouldn't have sent him home for general squabbling.

If the situation was reversed, I'd expect her to tell one of mine off, or send them home if they misbehaved.

His mum knows why he got sent home, and the build up to the sending home.

OP posts:
Goolash · 18/06/2012 10:01

Yanbu

You didn't discipline him. You sent him home because what else where you supposed to do? Let him walk about hitting and helping himself to food?

Ask her what she would have done in such a situation.

I wonder what the boy said to his Mum.

choceyes · 18/06/2012 10:05

YANBU at all. What were you supposed to do?

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