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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBI to have sent this child home?

48 replies

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 09:34

We live in a little cul-de-sac of 8 houses, and my children have become quite close friends with my 3 doors down neighbour's children.

The kids usually play out the front together, in my house, or in her house. Yesterday I had 3 (2 boys, 1 girl) of her kids in my house from around 5ish.

It was getting on for dinner time, so I was pottering in the kitchen, getting dinner ready when one of her sons hit my youngest (a proper hit, not squabbly pushing/shoving). I had words and told him if it happened again, he'd have to go home.

Then, I went out into the garden to give the veggie peelings to my kids guinea pigs. While I was out there, I moved their run into a new patch of garden, topped up their hay, water, etc, so I was a good few minutes. Came back in to find him sat on my kitchen worktop stuffing biscuits into his face that he'd raided from the cupboards. Took the biscuits away and made him get down. Had a few more words (I don't mind him having the biscuits per se, it's just that a) I expect him to ask first and not raid my cupboards, and b) it was getting on for dinner time so didn't think his mum would want him back stuffed full of biscuits).

He wandered off back outside, where my youngest and my neighbour's youngest were playing, next thing he thumps his younger sister in the small of the back - it was a good old whack, I heard it from the kitchen, so I sent him home

It's now ended up in a huge row with my neighbour as it's not "my place" to discipline him

She does have problems with her son (she has 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls - he's the youngest boy, 2nd oldest child). He's very aggressive, argumentative and rude and she does her best with him. I find him a complete handful, but he's welcome to come and play as long as he behaves himself but I'm not prepared to put up with his aggression.

As far as I see it, it's my house, and if he can't behave himself in it, I have every right to send him home

OP posts:
Sarcalogos · 18/06/2012 10:08

Yanbu, and as you are normally friends, I bet she apologises to you when she's calmed down/had chance to really think about it.

I expect it was a harassed reaction to being stressed and embarrassed.

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 10:11

I hope so. She's a good friend and I don't want to fall out about it.

I'm just not prepared to put up with him rampaging round my house

I'm also worried she's putting up with all sorts of stuff from my kids and doesn't tell them off or send them home, if that's how she reacts to her son being sent home iyswim.

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squeakytoy · 18/06/2012 10:12

yanbu, and I would probably be encouraging my children not to play with hers, simply because you have no idea how your children are allowed to behave at her house, and as her parental discipline is virtually non-existent, your own kids are going to end up saying "well xxx is allowed to do that... "..

getupgo · 18/06/2012 10:18

clearly she wanted you to feed them tea/dinner

you have enough to do with your own kids plus guinea pigs

absolutely wary myself of 'friends' leaving kids to 'play' at mine now, after a bad experience. Playdates are supposed to be for about 2 hrs are they not? And not after 5pm? Surely those kids should have been having tea, bath and bedtime on sunday for school on monday? sorry didnt mean to sound judgey, just hate when other mothers shove their kids onto someone else for a free break

YANBU at all

she sounds rude tbh and her kids are out of control

plus where is he learning to hit like that? obv he was hungry, but hasnt been taught that he needs to just go home for tea? Or maybe they were told to stay out in the hope you would sort it all out for her?

i would just gradually distance myself from her, do you really need the hassle?

CeliaFate · 18/06/2012 10:21

Sorry, but what a cheeky cow she is!
YANBU.
If he can't behave, he should go home. Did she thank you for the free hours of childcare you provided?

HeadfirstForHalos · 18/06/2012 10:21

YANBU, sending him home isn't disciplining him.

I do think she was maybe more cross at the situation rathewr than with you, if she is feeling the stress with him it's easy to take it out on someone that doesn't deserve it.

Could you go for a cuppa when the dcs are at school, see if she is okay? Ask her what you should do in future if he is hitting and being naughty.

AdventuresWithVoles · 18/06/2012 12:15

I wouldn't ask her, really, just make it clear to him that he isn't welcome to stay if he doesn't mind. He can go misbehave around her house if he likes, her call how to deal with it there. I would also make it clear to the lad+mom that every day is a fresh start, try again then (well, allow him several more visits before giving up completely, anyway).

yanbu, & I would try to hard not to engage with the mother. Tell her in nicest way that he has to abide by your rules when he comes around else the kids will have to meet on neutral territory.

halcyondays · 18/06/2012 12:15

Yanbu at all.

wasabipeanut · 18/06/2012 12:17

YANBU in the least. A generous interpretation is that your neighbour sounds like she's struggling to cope and needs help. A less generous interpretation is that she's taking the piss.

ChaoticismyLife · 18/06/2012 12:27

YANBU Quite frankly if I had that reaction off a parent after sending a child home because they didn't behave themselves I wouldn't be having that child around again.

HappyJustToBe · 18/06/2012 12:29

YANBU for all the reasons already mentioned.

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 12:32

Thanks!

She doesn't expect us to feed them, and it wasn't an official playdate. We'd been out most of the day, got home about 3ish, it was nice weather so DH decided to cut the grass, kids were playing out on their bikes for a while before all ending up in our house. It happens quite frequently, sometimes it's here, sometimes it's their house. We just call our kids back/send theirs home when tea is ready

I think she does struggle with him, we're quite laid back with our kids, but she's even more laid back and doesn't really seem to discipline any of them.

None of the kids are angels, but he's just so angry and aggressive much of the time.

She just completely blew her top.

I saw her this morning on the way to school and got glared at, so she's had time to calm down

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bejeezusWC · 18/06/2012 12:39

I thjink you need to find out what the boy said you did/said to him?

If the mum is really angry and usually she is a normal human being, I suspect that her child has embellished what happened?

AKE2012 · 18/06/2012 12:47

I would have sent him home when i caught him helping himself. It is your house.
My child doesnt even help herself as if i allowed that she would eat the contents of the cupboard in a day.

Id not have that kid around again. Some people get all het up wen people tell their children off and most of the time it is coz they dont tell their children off and coz the child isnt used to it they make a big deal. Mayb the child exaggerated what happened.

EldritchCleavage · 18/06/2012 12:56

I wonder if she is lashing out at you because she is actually very embarrassed about his behaviour (and possibly also the fact that, unlike her, you handled it quite well)?

Mrsjay · 18/06/2012 12:58

childrens behaviour at other peoples houses has just been discussed on loose women Hmm

lazarusb · 18/06/2012 12:58

Could you pop a note through her door just clarifying exactly what happened? i suspect, like others, that this boy has given her his version of events which doesn't necessarily match yours. If she's still arsey I would be tempted to ask her how violence other children are supposed to accept before she would step in!

lazarusb · 18/06/2012 12:59

how much violence..

CeliaFate · 18/06/2012 13:03

I couldn't be friends with someone like her. Child rearing, or at any rate deciding what's acceptable and what's not, is too important to have widely differing views on imo.

I would expect my friends to tell my dc off if they were rude, cheeky or aggressive in their house. Then again, I know my dc would never do that as I've raised them to listen to adults and abide by the rules...

bejeezusWC · 18/06/2012 13:37

Child rearing, or at any rate deciding what's acceptable and what's not, is too important to have widely differing views on imo

I agree celia. A lesson I have learnt quite painfully

You could keep her as a friend outside of kiddie things? if you like her

curiositykitten · 18/06/2012 13:41

How old are the children?

I think you were quite within your right to send him home, or at the very least send him out of your house/garden. I'd have probably frogmarched the little shit to the door to let her know what was going on, as I have done before with my neighbour's son (3) because she throws him out of the house and leaves other people to pick up on her slack parenting.

EugenesAxe · 18/06/2012 13:48

I think Eldritch has it - an overreaction because she knows she's a bad parent to his misbehaviour and she has taken it as a personal slight.

YANBU by the way, at all. Like everyone has said you didn't 'discipline him', just sent him home and gave him boundaries.

Tinklewinkle · 18/06/2012 13:48

Thanks.

She definitely knows what happened, she also knows me pretty well and knows I wouldn't have sent him home for no reason or start yelling and hollering

The kids are 10, 6, nearly 5 and one at 2 who wasn't round here. The 6 year old is the aggressive one.

It's a shame as all the other kids get on really well and generally play really well together

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