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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still be affected by this girl?

36 replies

Anythingforabitofpeace · 17/06/2012 21:36

Bit of background to this one so bear with me. Im 27, I had 2 best friends the whole way through primary and secondary school until I was 15. Then they dumped me. One night I got a text to say they had went on holidays with one girls family and when they got back it was pretty clear they didnt want me as a friend. I was gutted to say the least and my confidence was shattered.

One of the girls got very nasty about it all with alot of name calling and rumour spreading. we had a lot of classes together in school and I still had to sit beside her. I found this time very tough and I left school 3 years later after doing my a levels. I only had one other friend through this whole 3 years because I couldn't make friends with anyone else. It took me along time to gain any confidence about myself and I milled through my late teens and early 20's with just DH as my friend and my family. I met DH at 15 and have been together ever since.

I feel in the last 2 years I have began to like myself and to believe that I am a good person but now its coming back up to rear its head. My son is starting nursery school in september and bully girls son is in his class. I'm going to bump into her nearly every day, How can I not let her tear all my confidence away like she did before. AIBU to still be affected by this girl 12 years later?

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 17/06/2012 21:40

how about a confused smile and a "I'm sorry, I really don't remember you from school, what was your name again?"

BustyBabs · 17/06/2012 21:41

frankly yes. you were all kids then, you did daft silly kid things

now you are all grown ups

move on

Walkingonhotcoals · 17/06/2012 21:44

Wow, that must have been really hard for you to go through. I had a similar thing happen to me, my friendship group essentially dropped me from their group and i was friends with no one in my form for quite a few years, however despite this i am quite confident and have a good circle of friends.

I think you need to move past this, we are not the same people we are when we were young, and i think you should start a fresh, now i am not saying be overly friendly with her, but i would just be cordial and polite and leave it that. You don't have to best buddies with all the people in your sons class, but i don't think you should avoid her either.

Or you could just move away from the area Grin

LentillyFart · 17/06/2012 21:46

I'd say that's a very good strategy put forward by jumping. These people have only the power you allow them to have. Deflate her before she even starts.

DamnBamboo · 17/06/2012 21:50

Jumping has hit the nail on the head I think

BetterChoicesChair · 17/06/2012 21:56

What Jumping said. I am currently in this scenario but bully girl lives across the street. You might soon find that Karma has already taken care of things Wink.

MsKittyFane · 17/06/2012 21:56

busty Not a very sympathetic reply. Hmm

OP YANBU to be worried but this woman can do nothing to you if you don't let her. She is nothing to you.
If you meet, be confident. If you have to converse, do but don't give her anything. Be polite yet indifferent towards her.

lovebunny · 17/06/2012 21:57

do not expect yourself to just 'move on'! the harm these people have done is immense. get some counselling if you haven't already done so. really. it is that serious. take positive action to find help.

jumping has given an excellent suggestion. pretend you just don't remember her. no matter how hard she tries, you hardly recall...

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 17/06/2012 22:00

OP if you still live in the same area, when was the last time you saw her? It sounds like it was a really bad time for you and I am really sorry she's knocking about at the edges of your life again!

There's a story called "Little Hearts" by Emily Perkins you might find interesting to read, about a woman who meets her high school bully again in an antenatal yoga class! Karma does often ahve a way of taking care of things. she may be so embarrassed about her previous behaviour.

StepOutOfSpring · 17/06/2012 22:01

Sorry to hear what you went through, bullying can have a devastating effect, can't it Sad

"If you have to converse, do but don't give her anything. Be polite yet indifferent towards her."

Good advice from MsKittyFane above. Talk to others so there is safety in numbers. Converse politely so she doesn't have any "ammunition" against you. Remember the past is the past, there is no reason why the future has to be the same. Even if she decides to gossip about you, most people would just think how unpleasant she was as a result.

Original poster
Anythingforabitofpeace · 17/06/2012 22:01

Thanks for all the advice, I like that idea jumping Grin.
I thought I may be a bit silly to let this still worry me, but I'm gonna try my damn hardest not to let her get to me again.

I think I need a mantra I can't chant to myself in the car before school!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anythingforabitofpeace · 17/06/2012 22:04

Thanks ladyharriet i'll look that story up. Hopefully time and motherhood has made us both grow up. I wouldn't want my ds to be affected by this all.

OP posts:
arthurfowlersallotment · 17/06/2012 23:07

Wow Busty you're all hearts and cuddles...

OP, I'd advise you be civil, but distant if/when you bump into her, like you would a perfect stranger.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 17/06/2012 23:11

You're not being silly at all. Jumping's advice is excellent. Be brave and good luck. :-)

moonblushtomato · 17/06/2012 23:22

Completely understand where you're coming from OP. What happened to me at school re friendships/being excluded still affects me now - 25 years on!

Absolutely love jumping's idea. iT will totally throw her and allow you to start afresh.

Good LuckSmile

BarredfromhavingStella · 17/06/2012 23:24

You should do exactly what jumping said, she is now insignificant in your life, you have DH & DS, she really isn't worth another seconds thought.

StepOutOfSpring · 17/06/2012 23:25

One other thing... she's not a "girl" any more, and nor are you.

numbum · 17/06/2012 23:29

Hang on, this all happened when you were 15? You met your (now) DH when you were 15? They were jealous because you had a boyfriend! I'd just ignore her amd hope your DS doesnt befriend her DC

ShullBit · 17/06/2012 23:55

I can imagine how you must feel. All those feelings will be rushing back and will be rather overwhelming, but although easier said than done, you should try hard not to give it a second thought. Many people change when they grow up, settle down and have children. Hey, you may even get an apology.

Keep your head held high, interact with the other mums, and act all confused for a while like you haven't given her a thought in all these years if she says anything.

Cabrinha · 17/06/2012 23:55

Busty wasn't exactly sympathetic, but I see where shred coming from. To a certain extent, that exclusion and even the rumour spreading and name calling is not uncommon among teenage girls. She may not have realised how badly you were affected, and how hurtful it was. It's clearly affected you and counselling might help... But don't automatically assume it means trouble now. Keep your distance, but don't be scared.

porcamiseria · 18/06/2012 09:08

awwww, what a nasty thing to occur to you

I do also aree that its unlikely she is the same person now, but that does not diminish what happended

agree with others, act like you dont recognise/dont remember and avoid but check her out

if she is still a bitch then you can continue to a avoid

if she makes friendly overtures, well you might need a plan b

yanbu to feel like this x

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 18/06/2012 09:16

It is hard. This happened to me when I was 23! Two friends informed me that they were dumping me because i blew them out on a night out....it hurt hugely even at 23!

School will be FULL of friendly Mums and dads who want to be open and nice...dont worry.

DeWe · 18/06/2012 09:37

I'm going to stand out as not particularly liking Jumping's reply (sorry). As you were best friends, she will be pretty certain that you do remember her and it gives away that you were very hurt by her. If she's changed, she may apologise, if she hasn't she may start again knowing how much it effected you.

I'd treat her distantly, like you would someone who had been in your class but not really socialised with. If she feels guilty, she may still apologise, if she doesn't then you can choose to keep your distance. You also have the point that when you make friends then they may notice something and you can tell them that she bullied you at school. If you start saying things to her then you may become the bad one in others eyes.

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 18/06/2012 12:59

I think DeWe is right however - using Jumping's reply would come over as false and she'd know how much it still hurts you.

Better to be cooly civil. An airy "oh hello" without breaking stride as you pass by might be the best idea.

catus · 18/06/2012 13:46

Just a word of caution. I agree you should be calm and cool, but if she starts wanting to go down memory lane with you, wanting to rekindle the friendship, be careful. You've clearly been hurt by this person and she might be different, but she might not, so try not to get emotionnally involved and stay detached.
Also, try to let go of the resentment if you have any, don't indulge in thoughts of revenge because it could have a destructive effect on yourself. I'm not saying you want revenge, BTW, it's just that it would be quite a natural feeling to have.
Good luck, it must be hard to deal with.

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