To still be affected by this girl?

[Anythingforabitofpeace]

Bit of background to this one so bear with me. Im 27, I had 2 best friends the whole way through primary and secondary school until I was 15. Then they dumped me. One night I got a text to say they had went on holidays with one girls family and when they got back it was pretty clear they didnt want me as a friend. I was gutted to say the least and my confidence was shattered.

One of the girls got very nasty about it all with alot of name calling and rumour spreading. we had a lot of classes together in school and I still had to sit beside her. I found this time very tough and I left school 3 years later after doing my a levels. I only had one other friend through this whole 3 years because I couldn't make friends with anyone else. It took me along time to gain any confidence about myself and I milled through my late teens and early 20's with just DH as my friend and my family. I met DH at 15 and have been together ever since.

I feel in the last 2 years I have began to like myself and to believe that I am a good person but now its coming back up to rear its head. My son is starting nursery school in september and bully girls son is in his class. I'm going to bump into her nearly every day, How can I not let her tear all my confidence away like she did before. AIBU to still be affected by this girl 12 years later?

Yes, I think pretending you can't remember her would be phony.

I would always be polite and friendly but in a very distant way. I wouldn't want to be chummy either.

It was a horrible thing to happen to you. She might be mortified now but that may not matter to you.

Hope it all works out ok.

You lot are so brave, I would be trying to arrange another school! I couldnt face this person unless I was feeling very strong indeed.

Anything, I am so sorry this happened to you. It sounds very bad.
I am still bothered by stuff that happened 20 years ago and its very hard to find a way to "move on" after being so hurt.

Carrie Fisher is quoted as saying "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
I like to take this quote and adapt it to my needs with regards to other people who have given me a hard time. It's so important to move on and be free, but how you do this I am not so sure....hopefully other posters can shed some light on how to do this magical "moving on" thing!

Just goes to show the effects of bullying.

Anything I had to face this in my DC school yard. A horrible nasty girl who bullied me in school had a DC in the same year. I nearly died when I first clocked her standing there,and wanted to do a runner out the gate. A few days later she came over say * are you XXX who went to XXX school? She was coming on all chummy but I kept the conversation strictly topical (the news,the weather,the traffic). I did it in a very stand-offish way,so she got the message that I wasn't going to be her pal. She drifted off after a few days trying.

That's shit isn't it...You don't have to acknowledge her at all when you bump into her. I've bumped into a bully girl in the park a few months ago and I just completely ignored and carried on playing with DD. Don't let what happened years ago torment you now, because it will affect your son too. Children can pick up when Mum's down or acting funny. You ARE a much stronger person now because you're a Mum. When people tried to talk down to me or bully me in my last work place, I gave back as good as I got, because as a mother NO ONE has the right to make me feel lower than them.

Thanks for all the kind replies. I really don't want to bear any resentment, I spent a long time trying to get over it in the first place. As silly as that may seems it really did have a big effect on my life. These where my best friends and suddenly they where gone and I was alone.

What I want is to be able to bump into and not feel like I want to cry. I want to be proud of myself and my dc's and totally shrug of the past. At the end of the day we were young teens, people change. I'm gonna try my hardest to do a nonchalant smile, and focus on ds the first time we meet.

This happened to me at school and has just happened to me again, and I'm 38! Women can be bitches, it's true. You are okay. Focus on your dc. Own your feelings, you may or may not look at the bully and put any thoughts of her to the back of your mind. It is easy to say. I do this every day as I have to see a woman who bullied me on a committee afew years ago. I also have to do it with a group of so-called friends who no longer speak to me as I dared to say to the boss of the group I was in that I thought the bully was a dreadful woman, and she likes this bully! We're in our late 30s! This woman may not have changed but, you do not need her approval. I am glad in a way that it is not just me, but wish it wasn't.

"as a mother NO ONE has the right to make me feel lower than them."

Or as any other human being :)

Can you get on and make friends with the other mums, try and have a laugh with them. Don't be interested in this woman but if she apologies, explain that she really hurt you and that you consider her to be a bully.

It will get easier seeing her about after the first week or so.

A very similar thing happened when my daughter started school. One of the other mothers who's child was starting was shocked to see a mother there who had bullied her at school. To such an extent that she had to move schools to escape the bullying as a child. She was really worried and upset about the bully & their children being in her childs class.

As it turned out it didn't take very long before they reverted to type and were pretty nasty people still. I think other people spotted this and gave them a wide berth. You might find a similar thing happens.

If not I would go with the polite but distant idea. Pretending you don't know them just won't fool anyone. Polite, smile (through gritted teeth) and carry on.

I had a situation which was difficult at school (different circumstances but not relevant here). A good friend advised to "start smiling when you get out of the car and carry on from there". I tried this - not grinning like a maniac, but focusing on the positive - and it worked! I didn't make eye contact with the person who gave me difficuties, but the focus was good for me, and I felt as if I was in control of the situation. sounds silly - but try it because it really works! Also remember that you don't have to chat with her - polite yes, friendly and chatty not unless you choose to be. Your choice - not hers.