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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 families on holiday- how to bring up splitting the bill?

56 replies

Downnotout · 17/06/2012 21:08

We are going away in the summer with 2 other families. They will both have 2 children each. We will have one child with us.

DH is only out for one week at the beginning. Leaving me and DD for 2nd week.

One of the families has an older child who eats adult meals (and I mean fillet steak), dd only has a child portion, the other family's DH is a wine connoisseur and orders v expensive red wine (and can get through a few bottles) which neither DH or I drink.

Normally we just split a bill, no questions, but I am thinking that over the course of 2 weeks, eating out most nights, we will be subsidising a huge amount of their bill.

So how do I broach this or do we shut up and pay up?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/06/2012 21:09

order separately, any restaurant will be fine with that

enimmead · 17/06/2012 21:10

They should really teach this stuff in schools, shouldn't they? If you are going out every night, that's a lot of money. I would pay what you spend.

Ragwort · 17/06/2012 21:10

You need to discuss this before you start going out for meals (wonders how on earth you all agreed to this without discussing the 'basics' .

glenthebattleostrich · 17/06/2012 21:11

Can you suggest a 'per person' contribution to a kitty, then if the kitty runs out you pay for your own things? You do need to broach it and make your boundaries clear before you go otherwise you'll end up resentful and not enjoying your holiday.

Or just say you've had an unexpected expense before going and it's eaten some of your spending money so you'll pay for your own meals etc and not split the bill.

I wouldn't mind either way and I'm not known for being overly reasonable in RL!!!

ToothbrushThief · 17/06/2012 21:13

Don't ask. Just say up front-this is what I'm doing.

MrsCog · 17/06/2012 21:13

Not sure, but I think honesty BEFORE you go is the way forward, don't leave it until you get there. I find that if you're not splitting the bill rather than people adding up exactly what they had, if you add up what you had roughly and then round up a little bit then people really can't complain - so for example £17.50, you put in £20 etc.

Jackstini · 17/06/2012 21:13

A few quid I wouldn't quibble but this will be a big difference.

I would suggest paying into a kitty at the beginning and everything come out of it.
Agree an amount per adult per week and half that per child per week.

One person holds all the kitty money and pays for everything. Also saves all the hassle of deciding whose card to put it on, who pays who back etc.

FootballFriendSays · 17/06/2012 21:14

No, don't just put up with it. You'll resent it and it will be a strain. Just say the first night when the bill comes 'my food comes to x, plus y towards the tip, so here's Z amount'. Then do the same every time. Good luck, don't spoil the friendship over this. Which may happen if you resent the money or start making excuses for not going out.

Original poster

Downnotout · 17/06/2012 21:14

Hmm, suspect that it's only me thinking of the "basics". DH is always first to the bar and would never question it.

Don't think the other families have thought about it either as they are on a more level playing field.

What do I say without appearing tight!?

OP posts:

enimmead · 17/06/2012 21:15

Some other people need to be first to the bar sometimes.

Why worry about appearing tight? If they are your friends, they will understand.

oranges · 17/06/2012 21:16

just say - you will order separately and get your own bill. then stick to it - order your own drinks and don't accept a glass of their expensive wine, even if they insist, unless you give them a drink back. You may appear a bit tight now but trust me, it will turn into a huge blowout on holiday if you don't make things clear upfront.

Original poster

Downnotout · 17/06/2012 21:16

Ah X posted. Some good suggestions. Thanks. Just feeling a bit uncomfortable about mentioning it.

OP posts:

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 17/06/2012 21:16

Agree with the others who say pay separately.

Just tell them before the holiday that this is the way you and DH intend to do it and so set your expectations and boundaries early.

If you feel you have to justify this or give a reason I think glen has the right idea in just stating an unexpected expense has eaten into your spending money and you need to keep an eye on it to make it stretch.

I also wouldn't blink an eye at this and i would also probably be grateful you broached the subject. I would also really rather just pay for what I eat and drink without subsiding anyone else but also not feeling that anyone else was subsiding me!

nottonitejosefine · 17/06/2012 21:17

Just say...

"if you don't mind, I think it would be easier for myself asking for my own bill at the start of each meal"

oranges · 17/06/2012 21:17

and really, if you can't discuss this type of stuff with them, why are you holidaying with them?

MagicHouse · 17/06/2012 21:18

Normally I would say just split it if it's one night out, but you're right - over two weeks you'll be paying a lot extra if you don't drink expensive wine and your dd eats a tiny meal.
You have a few options - maybe just split between whoever has the adult meals.
Or mention right now before you go that money is tight (whether or not it is - as no-one can argue with that) and you'd rather just pay for your family's meals as you don't drink.
I remember an old friend of my dad's who used to drink huge amounts of expensive wine and whiskey, while my dad didn't drink. It drove him nuts as they used to go on golfing outings a lot! But he did just pay his share every time! - which you could do!

I don't think you're being unreasonable not to want to subsidise adult meals and expensive alcohol for two weeks though. But you need to decide what you want to do and talk about it before you go - otherwise you'll just feel resentful!

DelGirl · 17/06/2012 21:20

I've just come back from a holiday with 2 other families. Me and dd and the other 2 familes with 2 children and 1 adult each. We all paid the same into a kitty which I was ok with except one family ate non stop and I mean literally. It was ok really as we ate in but I would think twice about doing the kitty again but we had a good time and no bad feelings.

If the situation is as you describe then I think it is best you pay separately tbh. I think the fact that your dh isn't there half the time will help your case.

Mosman · 17/06/2012 21:22

I would definitely order separately, there's nothing quite like a kid tucking into a £25 steak whilst yours in sucking up spaghetti to get right up your nose after a few days.

specialmagiclady · 17/06/2012 21:22

We went on holiday with other families the whole time I was growing up - and it was Kitty Kitty Kitty all the way. It's really the only reasonable way to do it!

You can always treat each other to ice creams or occasional nice bottles of wine outwith the kitty, but agreeing a kitty up front and for what it will pay should save your friendship!

Original poster

Downnotout · 17/06/2012 21:24

oranges we have holidayed with one family before, but we had 2 DCs with us then so we just split bills.

This time the 3rd family are coming along too and we have one less DC. My DH has to get back for business- hence staying only the one week. So everything has changed.

It's not that I can't discuss this stuff with them, I just didn't know how to. And as I said DH would rather die than quibble over a bill so it's never come up.

OP posts:

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 17/06/2012 21:25

Although I think I get what you mean about the others being on "level playing field" when it comes to money...

Do you mean that it feels quite difficult to be considered the poor relation when amongst a group of high spending friends? And that they'll all be ordering fillet steak and fine wine whilst you'll be stuck with the fish and chips and house white... but what is really grating is when you draw attention to it because you have to tell them you can't afford to spend on their level?

I completely understand and hence only go on holiday with similar impoverished types such as myself!

MrsEricBana · 17/06/2012 21:26

This exact issue has wrecked (for me at least, as I have felt stressed) a couple of holidays with a lovely family we go away with who have more children than us, drink much more, give their tiny children adult meals then puddings even if hardly eaten etc. Definitely discuss it before you go and I 100% agree that you must say you will be paying for what you had and prob easiest just to order separately so just get a separate bill. Like you, no issue for a normal night out but every single meal on a holiday will just make you very anxious.

skybluepearl · 17/06/2012 21:27

Just say beforehand you are having to be a bit careful with money and so plan to do your own bills.

BackforGood · 17/06/2012 21:27

I agree with oranges - if you aren't comfortable enough to bring this up with them, then why on earth are you going to go on holiday with them? This could be a very tense 2 weeks.
Definitely worth saying now, that you'd like to save any arguments on holiday, or tension or bad feeling, by clarifying before you go that you'd like to have separate bills each time you eat out. Just state it as a fact, rather than a "What do you think we should do about....." type question though.

MrsEricBana · 17/06/2012 21:28

Also very tricky in terms of pacifying the dcs if yours wouldn't have been having yet another drink or pud or whatever and the other family are ordering far more. You have my every sympathy!

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