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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a bit rude?

45 replies

littlemissfatpiglet · 17/06/2012 17:01

Am I being oversensitive? I haven't had the most straightforward romantic history, and have met my share of losers. I am now very happily married, but the upshot is that I have 4 children, 2 of whom are my DH's and the elder 2 by different men. I hate this fact and wish it weren't so. The elder 2 have no contact with their bio dads, both really not nice men. They call my DH dad.

Anyway met up last week with a few people from uni that I haven't seen for a long time, one of whom I wasn't particularly friendly with. We were chatting and she straight out said in front of everyone 'Do your eldest two have different fathers?'. We never got on at uni much and I felt she was trying to make me feel ashamed. I felt hot with embarassment and mumbled a reply. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment anyway with a bit of PND, my youngest is only a few weeks old. I actually cried when I got home....am I being oversensitive, I just hate when people ask that and I would never ask someone else.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 17/06/2012 17:04

It's hard to know without being there, but it is a fact based question and something I might ask, just to understand your family. Why are you ashamed? Why do you wish it wsn't so? It sounds like you may be projecting your own issues with this on to what may have been a perfectly innocent question.

emsyj · 17/06/2012 17:04

Yes, she was rude and she isn't very nice. You should have smiled and asked her, 'Why do you want to know?'

Ineedalife · 17/06/2012 17:06

I never post on AIBU, littlemiss, but I wanted to say, yes it is very rude and actually none of her business.

You dont need to see this person again, good luck with your family, you have nothing to be ashamed of.Smile

Nancy66 · 17/06/2012 17:08

Maybe she just wasn't very tactful but didn't mean to upset you.

don't worry about people like that - be proud of your family.

HappyCamel · 17/06/2012 17:08

I agree with Hermione, I don't know the tone of voice but if you've written it exactly then it's a factual question. You can't change it so forgive yourself and accept it, it is by hard not to be oversensitive with PND though (been there myself) so go easy on yourself.

annielouisa · 17/06/2012 17:10

I am wondering what the context for the question was? Were you showing pics around and do you elder to look very different? If she just dropped it unprompted into the conversation that is rude or was just a bit of a thoughtless comment?

Alurkatsoftplay · 17/06/2012 17:13

I don't think it is neccassarily a rude question, but if you know she is a bit snide then I imagine she was trying to put you down.
There is nothing to be ashamed about.
It might help to have a light response ready for when people ask this.
I usually ramble on something like: 'yeah and they both look so like their dads, I was just an incubator, blah blah' or something....
Good on you for getting out and about meeting old friends.

Original poster
littlemissfatpiglet · 17/06/2012 17:15

I guess I do have issues in that I feel embarassed about it...I don't know anyone else who has children by more than one man.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlemissfatpiglet · 17/06/2012 17:15

thanks for kind replies.x

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2012 17:17

I was talking through a friend's sons problems and said "the man who he called dad but wasn't his biological father", we were talking about the amount of rejection her son had, had in his life, this man no longer wants to see him.

She told me later that she was very upset, but i did just mean it factual (we were discussing where his anger could becoming from), so the conversation was wanted.

I wouldn't overthink it.

If your elder boys were born at different times, everything would change and i doubt that you really would want to change any of your children, or DP.

emsyj · 17/06/2012 17:18

My mum has children by more than one man. As does a friend of mine from school. As does my neighbour. As do thousands and thousands of people across the country and the wider world!

RealityIsNOTWarren · 17/06/2012 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2012 17:19

Just to add, i have a half sister, my children have half siblings and know very few people who don't.

Ishoes · 17/06/2012 17:20

YANBU-my mum had dcs by different men-she had myself and 1 sister with our dad then they got divorced. She then went on to have another sister with another man.

Tbh I think my mum probably was a bit embaressed by this too but I think this was more to do with my gps attitude-they were quite disappointed that she had 2 failed relationships.

While I dont think its ideal in this day and age it is hardly uncommon so I wouldnt waste any more of your time worrying about it-just avoid this woman in future!

Seona1973 · 17/06/2012 17:23

my sister and 2 of my SIL's have children with different fathers - its not uncommon so nothing to be ashamed of

slatternlymother · 17/06/2012 17:29

YANBU that was rude! If mentions something you're not comfortable with again, say 'my my, you're rather abrupt aren't you? Get straight to the point don't we?!' and then laugh.

I wouldn't be embarrassed though about the kids having different dads. I should think that most people would think the absent fathers are the ones who should be embarrassed. And anyone who judges you for it isn't worth your time.

LentillyFart · 17/06/2012 17:29

My SIL has 5 kids by four fathers. Do not be ashamed - quite apart from anything else it's a totally wasted emotion. The children are here, they're yours and you love them and you can't rewrite your personal history. You can hold your head up - can she?

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 17:32

Don't be ashamed, be proud of your family it's not that uncommon really.

Yes she was rude

youjusthaventearnedityetbaby · 17/06/2012 17:36

Yes she was rude... sorry it upset you :(
I have two gorgeous boys by two different men... I'm not with either father now... But I'd love another baby! So I could well be in your situation one day. (I hope!!)
I can also imagine being upset by a comment like that... but I suppose I'll never get used to being judged, it has shocked me to be honest. I just joke I'm trying to beat Ulrika's record :)
Isn't it wonderful for all these people with their perfect lives eh??!!

carabos · 17/06/2012 17:36

You don't know anyone else who has children by different fathers? Hmm
Are you resident on planet Earth?

nomoreminibreaks · 17/06/2012 17:40

I think it could have just been tactless or it could have been said to hurt you. Without knowing her or the tone of voice it's hard to tell.

That said, lots of mums have children by different dads and have no shame about the fact (sometimes it's pretty obvious). So for some people it would be a perfectly suitable question, depending on how well you knew each other.

I don't think I'd ever ask someone such a direct question, but I think a lot would without trying to be rude.

usualsuspect · 17/06/2012 17:41

I've had people ask me the same question because I have big age gaps between all my children.

youarekidding · 17/06/2012 17:42

I agree without knowing the context it's hard to know if she was being rude. It does seem a strange question to come out of the blue though. Maybe it was in the context that she heard you have 4 children to are x & Y age and you have been with DH for Z years and so was just clarifying?

reality DS is 9 months Shock that 9 months went quicker than the 9 you were pg for. Wink

LRDtheFeministDragon · 17/06/2012 17:42

Don't let her make you feel bad! You have your children, your DH is their dad ... you have nothing at all to feel bad about. The biological fathers of your older boys may not be very nice - that's not something you have control over!

I am really sorry you have PND and I can see why it would easily be enough to make you feel rotten if she was being a bit snide - but honestly, she made herself look bad, not you.

Nagoo · 17/06/2012 17:44

I'd probably ask something like that Blush

I wouldn't be judging, it wouldn't occur to me that a person would be sensitive about it until after the question was out. I'd just think it was conversation, perhaps if they looked a bit different

OP, if you called me on it I'd be mortified that I embarassed you.