to think this is a bit rude?

[littlemissfatpiglet]

Am I being oversensitive? I haven't had the most straightforward romantic history, and have met my share of losers. I am now very happily married, but the upshot is that I have 4 children, 2 of whom are my DH's and the elder 2 by different men. I hate this fact and wish it weren't so. The elder 2 have no contact with their bio dads, both really not nice men. They call my DH dad.

Anyway met up last week with a few people from uni that I haven't seen for a long time, one of whom I wasn't particularly friendly with. We were chatting and she straight out said in front of everyone 'Do your eldest two have different fathers?'. We never got on at uni much and I felt she was trying to make me feel ashamed. I felt hot with embarassment and mumbled a reply. I'm feeling a bit down at the moment anyway with a bit of PND, my youngest is only a few weeks old. I actually cried when I got home....am I being oversensitive, I just hate when people ask that and I would never ask someone else.

Part from one Uncle, who only has one child with his ex anyway (turned out he was gay afterwards, that's why no more children) only myself in my rather humongous family has the same father for both my children. And my friends only so far have one child, or none, but most of them have half siblings.

It really isn't that uncommon. Even back in the days, my Nan had 6 children to 4 different fathers. Please don't feel ashamed. It was rude, but it just shows her in a bad light more than you. Just think of something light hearted to say back in future which will probably shut them up (hopefully)

She is a bit of a cow, so I think she was trying to be mean...I do know of people with children by different dads, but everyone I am friendly with seems to have 2.5 children by their husband which makes me feel like a bit of a freak show!

I know I've let it get to me, I was so looking forward to going out though and just came home feeling quite put down and crap.

I'm with Nagoo actually - I wouldn't think anything of asking it if it were relevant to the conversation & given its a factual question wouldn't see the harm. I too would be mortified to find I'd caused upset by asking it, but don't really understand how it could cause upset as it is simply a fact.

I'm not judging at all, which may be why I'd struggle to understand any upset caused??

Hard to know without being there. I've fine the opposite, put my foot in it by assuming dc had the same father, and wished I'd clarified!

Sorry x-post - does sound like the history may mean it was asked with more in mind.

I really don't feel anyone should be ashamed of their backgrounds - I'm sure your kids are great & you wouldn't be without them. Don't let one nasty person get you down.

Sounds more like you are more embarrassed and judgmental about a woman in your situation than your friend was who was just asking the dynamics of your family make up.

Oh dear, this sounds like the sort of thing I would do. It just wouldn't occur to me that anyone would be ashamed of having children by different fathers - after all it's not something you plan for or hope for when you first set out in love. Families just happen that way sometimes. Congrats to you for having 4 children to love and who love you. Hopefully your friend is like me - tactless but curious

littlemissfatpiglet, I am MammaTJ, nice to meet you, now you have met someone with kids with different Dads.

3 kids, 2 dads. Things happen relationships break up, that does not mean you cannot have any more kids!

I don't think she meant to be rude or upset or embarass you.Maybe a bit nosy, perhaps.But it is information people usually readily volunteer tbh

Stop feeling ashamed of it.Yes,your children have different dads....it doesn't mean that you are a trollop,you know.I think you should start looking at it from a different angle...while the fathers of your children may not have been up to scratch,your children have had a mother who stuck by them,survived hard times and struggled on until she got her happy ending.Be proud of that.

The next time someone makes a comment that instantly makes you feel uncomfortable,reply with 'I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound as nosey/bitchy/rude/intrusive as it came across'...and just smile sweetly without answering it.You have survived tougher times than a badly worded question from a nosey,chippy woman...don't let it drag you down.

Am I the only one who wouldn't care or think to ask a friend who her childrens biological father are?

What does it matter? It takes more than a sperm donor to be a real father, and it sounds to me that the OP's OH fills that position very well.

To me, I would find it rude considering the history and them not even being friendly back then. She probably had her judgy pants on

Another mixed up family here. I have 2 DCs with different fathers. Married to a man who has 4 DCs with 3 different women. Out of the 6 DCs we have between us, only my eldest DOESN'T have more half siblings!

She doesn't matter to you, so nor does anything she has to say.

I'm the same. Eldest two 17 and 9 have different dads and my two youngest are with my current partner. Although the older two do see their dads.

Why on earth did she need or want to know that?

Next time someone asks you such a question, ask them why they want to know.

"That's rather a personal question. Why are you asking?" turn it round on them, they should be embarrassed, not you.

And - please don't feel bad, there is no shame in having children during different relationships. It happens. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Thanks everyone. I wish I had thought of a quick and smart response, you know when you wish you could go back and handle something differently! You have all made me feel so much better.x

she's insensitive. is she aspie? if so, if a question comes into her mind she might just have to ask it, and not mean any harm even if its entirely inappropriate. but if she's not, she's a lady dog and needs dropping like an anchor, into deep water.

One of my mates has 3 children by 3 dad's. I have to admit I was surprised as she is such a quiet, introvert girl but I wouldn't have guessed from seeing them despite all 3 looking very different from each other. Don't feel you have to justify yourself to others over this and if any one makes a comment like that again have a reply stored up to use i.e. "There was an English man, Irish man and Scottish man....do you know any Welsh men?" It is no one else busines unless you decide to discuss it.

YANBU. It's none of her business, and any nice person who was listening will just think how rude she was.

candr at such a quiet, introvert girl always the quiet ones doncha know..

OP she was being nosey and perhaps sensing your discomfort rude as well as mean. Can't do the linky thing, but I'm sure you remember the big study a few years ago re: paternity in the UK? . By all accounts some of us may not be who we think we are..

I hope you don't carry any feelings of 'shame' into the future. Why would/should you?.

Next time can you bang on about how lovely your kids are and how blessed you are.