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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and I never eat together, ever.....

30 replies

tory79 · 16/06/2012 12:52

Ok thats not entirely true, we did have dinner together one Wednesday about 3 weeks ago, and we do occasionally get a takeaway which we eat at the same time.....but thats it.

I find it very wrong and depressing. DH doesn't seem bothered in the slightest. He works away/late regularly, so there are maybe 1-2 weeknights plus weekends when we could eat together. I offer to cook but he always says no (its not my cooking though, honest)

DS is 9 months and on 3 meals a day, so I spend 21 meal times a week sitting with him and making innane chatter, and eating my own food in between picking his up off the floor.

We have never been a couple to have loads of meals together, mainly due to his work, but we would have dinner at least a couple of times a week. This seems to have disappeared completely. I have spoken to him about this and expressed that I really want us to have some meals together, but everytime I suggest cooking something he says no.

I know someone will say this, so I will say no that yes, I do think we have some issues in our marriage at present, really though I am interested to hear if there are other people who never eat with their partner, or if I am being unreasonable in thinking its odd and wrong!

OP posts:

OwlsOnStrings · 16/06/2012 12:56

The nights when he's working are understandable, but on the 1-2 weeknights plus weekends when he isn't working, where/what does he eat? I'm assuming that he eats something...?

It sounds like he still isn't used to the notion of the three of you as a family - he's acting the way dh and I used to do in the early stages of living together, when we were couple-ish, but not completely settled in.

lightrain · 16/06/2012 12:58

My DH isn't bothered about eating together either. I'm a foodie, he's not fussed. I'd like to take time over dinner together in the evening, chat, slowly drink wine, etc., he likes to eat as early as possible, as quickly as possible, get it over with and get on with other stuff as quickly as possible. It drives me mad. If there was one thing I could change about him, it would be this.

I have no advice to offer, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I have told my DH that once our DC is old enough to eat a little later (DC is only 2 so eats at 4 pm at the mo), we'll be sitting down as a family and eating a meal together each evening, as I think it's crucial for a family to do this. He has agreed, but I think I will have a battle on my hands as to the time we eat. If my DH had his way, we'd eat at 5pm every night and he WILL NOT accept that this is not a 'normal' time for families to eat and that most people eat a bit later (even 6pm would be better for me! I like to have a few seconds to breathe and relax when I finish work, before having to cook!).

Petsinmypudenda · 16/06/2012 13:01

My dh gets in at 7ish and likes to wins down before he eats, it about 9ish when he eats.
I would of chewed off my arm by then do I eat with my kids at 5-6ish

I do air with him when he eats though. So we canchat and stuff

Petsinmypudenda · 16/06/2012 13:03

Christ look all the spelling mistakes it that. Sorry, I'm not pissed I promise!

Original poster

tory79 · 16/06/2012 13:07

Owls he just has a bowl of cereal, or some toast, or soup or something. Weekends, he gets a sandwich from a shop, curry in the evening or has a pizza. He sits in the lounge in front of the tv to eat.

Lighttrain yes that sounds very familiar, I love food, long meals with wine etc. He shovels his food in then leaves the table as soon as he has finished. I have also said that to him, about needing to eat more as a family when ds is older, but whether it will actually happen, who knows! (plus dh eats no vegetables so doesn't exactly set a great example - sigh!)

OP posts:

JumpingThroughHoops · 16/06/2012 13:08

I rarely eat with mine simply because I do not like eating at 8 or 9 at night. So I eat at work. I generally sit with him when he's eating as thats when we catch up on the day.

Original poster

tory79 · 16/06/2012 13:08

Pets - its the weekend! Anything goes

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/06/2012 13:14

I enjoy cooking and eating.. and although my husband is a kitchen-refuser , he does appreciate the food I cook for him, and most nights we eat together. If he is working late I will eat with him when he gets in the majority of the time, but some nights I eat when I feel like it, and he gets something quick and easy or microwaved when he gets home.

I dont think I could have married someone who didnt enjoy a nice meal to be honest as it is an integral part of living with someone in my view.

Sallyingforth · 16/06/2012 13:42

Eating together, either at home or out, is an important and integral part of my relationship with my partner. I couldn't live with him without it.

VodkaJelly · 16/06/2012 13:46

DP and I rarely eat together, it is a mixture of him not liking the same meals as me and always eating later. Me and the kids always eat together but thats because I cook their meals. DP likes a beer when he gets in from work (a couple of tins) and cant drink and eat together or if he has had a big lunch he is not hungry whereas I could eat a scabby donkey from 5pm onwards.

If we have a takeaway we eat together but its rare.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 16/06/2012 13:54

I think your son at two could eat with the two of you at about 5.30...it's about compromise...you want to eat later..DH earlier...and your son imo is old enough to join you.

Maybe you could do one late meal a week?

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 16/06/2012 13:55

But I DO understand your DHs attitude too a bit...I eat and run and have never seen the attraaction of sitting for hours over food. Italy was a nightmae to me....course after course...far too much food going on generally!

To some people it's just fuel and whilst I like food I don't particularly want to make a pastime of it.

Rabid · 16/06/2012 13:57

Gah. You can over egg the eating thing
Think
You need to look at underlying issues. It's common IMO for people to physically opt out of relationships when they aren't happy. Sounds like he's doing this.

PorkyandBess · 16/06/2012 14:00

I think it's a shame and quite odd - when do you chat to each other?

We eat together at about 9pm. I think it's an integral part of our relationship.

noddyholder · 16/06/2012 14:06

I also think its odd its a great time to chat and for your ds to see that plus cooking for someone is very giving and should be appreciated. I can't imagine not eating with dp when we are both here. But I love eating and entertaining and its very much part of our life day to day

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/06/2012 14:08

My dh and I don't eat together much. Both of us are fairly fussy eaters and don't like many of the same things so I often end up eating with the dc and he eats when he comes in from work.

We do go out to eat sometimes though, which is good because we can eat together without having to have the same thing or cook twice.

It's fine for us, completely normal and we share hobbies and chat at other times to stay close to each other. It seems strange to me to need food to to that, but everyone's different. Eating to me is just something you do to stop yourself feeling hungry and stay healthy. We generally only do long drawn out meals when we are in a group with other people, so then it's more of a social thing.

amieis · 16/06/2012 14:11

The last time me and dp ate a meal together was about 2 months ago and only because his mom had dd for a few hours and so he was forced to sit and eat with me like a civilised human being (rather than stood at the work surface in the kitchen) we generally end up eating in shifts with one of us having to microwave the dinner I've made! If I didn't physically put the plate in front of him though he'd just pick at what's in the cupboard, crisps, chocolate etc. He aso HATES vegetables so is not setting a good example to dd when he sits there picking the veg out of his food!!! He works 3 nights a week at the moment so really there's no reason for us to not sit down together.
But then we have some serious issues with communication.....
I generally don't think yabu to want a couple of times a week to eat together!

WorraLiberty · 16/06/2012 14:16

We enjoy cooking together and eating together

I couldn't imagine not eating meals with my DH and kids.

LeQueen · 16/06/2012 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ishoes · 16/06/2012 14:49

Dh and I never eat dinner together. I eat with the kis at 5.30 and leave his in the oven/microwave. He doesnt get home until 7.30/8pm and I would be chewing my own arm off by then.

The only time we eat together is on a sunday when we go to inlaws or of we go out as a couple of for a family lunch.

I didnt think it was that unusual until talking to other friends who all seem to eat together.

Tbh like the op I would say it is indicitive of our marriage-we dont talk.Period.

BackforGood · 16/06/2012 15:43

I think I would have to explain how important it is to you that you spend time, talking together at least once a week, and ask if he'd prefer to make a date for a meal together every (inset day that's most convenient) or if you could have a no tele / screens night and do..... (again, you'd have to insert something like play cards or board games or something you might both enjoy) or - I don't know what babysitting you have ? - a hobby outside the home... even if it were power walking round your local area for an hour or two. Doesn't really matter what, as long as you 'book' time to apend time together each week.
Family meals a re very important to me, but then we are lucky in that that's always been possible in our house, I know it's not so for everyone.

jan2011 · 16/06/2012 18:34

hi
sorry you are going through this. just to add my 2 cents - dh and i never eat together either. we also have some marriage issues, and for some reason, i do not like eating with him unless things are going really well. but we have totally different schedules, he likes eating late, me early (also with my 9 month old baby, who i think its important that one of us is eating with so that they are used to'family meals'). but even the nights he is here, he will mind the baby while i eat, (in a different room) then he will eat once baby goes to bed. we also have completely different tastes in food so that is part of it too. it is hard.... i have found in the times when we have eaten together it has helped our relationship. but once you get out of the habit its so hard to bring it back, and quite frankly i enjoy just doing my ownthing for dinner now. i hope you can get it sorted out - maybe compromising to eat a little later and him a little earlier, for one night might be a good start

lovechoc · 16/06/2012 18:48

When DH is night shift then we all eat together at the table at 4.30pm. But when he's day shift, he eats on his own (but not through choice, only because he doesn't finish work til 7pm and isn't home til 7.30ish).

I would be quite upset if I was left on my own to eat at the table with DC, day in day out. I feel it's a time you can catch up daily on what's happened, or what's going to be happening through the week. Stops me waking up during the night to tell DH something 'essential' which he gets very annoyed about

lovechoc · 16/06/2012 18:54

It definitely is down to your personality though, it may have nothing to do with problems in your marriage, OP. For me, I could sit and eat at the table for hours. Italians have the right idea, really (IMO). Just sitting about eating loads of foods, drinking wine without a care in the world. DH also very similar to myself and enjoys sitting eating for as long as it takes. He eats fast but I put that down to his childhood where if they wanted seconds they had to be quick!

bugster · 16/06/2012 23:00

I also love the Italian way of eating for hours, although don't have time for that during the week. Family meal times are really important to all of us, as is having at least one good hot, freshly cookedmmeal per day. Occasionally one of us is out, but more often we all eat together and wouldn't want it any other way.

I also plan all the meals for a week. I love food and cooking and like to be sure our food is going to be good.

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