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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU home from short hold- front door open (5 days) cross!

31 replies

Downnotout · 15/06/2012 15:26

And other stuff! Here goes-
DD2 (10)was going on 5 day trip with school. On a ferry. DH and I take opportunity to have 4 nights away on our own abroad. Much needed after stressful past year with DD1- but that's another story.

Due to flight times our best option was to leave on Sunday aft and return last night. DD1s trip sets off early Monday morning. No problem DS (24) agrees to stay over on Sunday night and drop DD2 off in the morning.

Needless to say, I leave her packed and ready and give DS checklist (shows disinterest in this) and £40 to take DD2 out for some tea so he doesn't need to cook anything. All he has to do is make a sandwich for her packed lunch as everything else is already in lunchbox in fridge.

DD2 too excited about trip to be bothered we are leaving her. All good, but after landing abroad get call from DD2 at 11.15 at night saying DS is asleep on sofa with tv on too loud and she can't get to sleep. Also that DS gave her cheesy chips from takeaway for tea ( with £40 to spend!!) am cross but calm her down and she says she's fine after sPeaking to me. Worried though, phone DS mobile but no answer. DD has house phone in bed do don't wNt to ring again.

Next morning ring first thing. All fine. Half an hour later get call to say they're at school but DD/DS has forgotten her coat! Will have to make do with flimsy pacamac. Glad I popped couple of extra hoodies in her case as they were only supposed to take one.

Fast forward to last night. Get home late. Front door not just unlocked but OPEN! 4 days post on mat wet. 4 pints milk turned to cheese on draining board. Dirty coffee cups and some beer cans. Also DD has obviously unpacked carefully packed case to put everything in favourite pink case and left out extra items that I packed just in case. So has spent the week on an island with no coat and one hoodie- in this weather!

So am cross. Have got crosser as day goes on. Not picked up DD yet but am not cross with her. Am cross with DS who has been bloody irresponsible and has let me down. Have not spoken to him yet because don't know what to say. He was doing us a favour true but I think I won't be able to trust him again. ( he is normally very good and never causes a minutes worry.)

AIBU to tell him he's let us down? Sorry to go on. Arghhh!

OP posts:
Inertia · 15/06/2012 15:30

YANBU to be cross at your son, he ought to be able to shut a door at the age of 24.

I wouldn't be impressed with DD either though, to be fair. If she has taken stuff out of her case , left behind coats and waterproofs and spent an uncomfortable week in the rain, then that's her lookout. You can't blame DS for that.

Original poster
Downnotout · 15/06/2012 15:35

I know. But coat was not packed it was on a chai by the door ready to go. I will be telling her that I'm not impressed tonight.

Am more cross that DS didn't look after her or the house properly. It was only one night.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 15/06/2012 15:42

hang on, are you SURE you have not been broken into - I knwo DS is responsible for the washing up etc, but maybe he did not leave the door open??

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 15/06/2012 15:54

He did get her to the school on time though, and he did feed her the night before, even if she then decided it wasn't very good.

I am aware I may get flamed for this, but I feel that if you wanted to make sure that your daughter had her coat and everything you wanted her to take, then you should have been there to make sure that happened. 24 year old brothers often just don't think about the need for coats and things.

But, he definitely should have been able to shut the front door!

Anyway, I hope you and your daughter had a lovely time on your trips.

RobotLover68 · 15/06/2012 15:56

Maybe when the burglars saw the mess DS1 left they thought you'd already been done over - so you had a lucky escape!

Seriously though - YANBU

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/06/2012 15:57

Hmm, the brother is 24, not 14. At 24 I was married with a mortgage, and pregnant/a mother to my first child. OP is quite right to be furious and disappointed in him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/06/2012 15:58

Does your son normally live with you? I would be cross about the mess and the milk, and the door.

But I think it is unreasonable to be angry about the stuff in relation to your DD. He is her brother, not her parent and you have dumped this on him so that you could go on holiday. You could have waited and gone somewhere the next day after dropping her off, surely?

Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 15:59

He needs telling, 24 year olds often have their own house and children, no excuse, but your DD, should have taken her coat. It has been her that has over ruled you, on the packing.

If she has been cold at all this week, lesson learned.

FredFredGeorge · 15/06/2012 16:01

Whilst it's bad that the door was left open, for the rest of it YABU I'm afraid, your DS did you a favour, if you required it done differently you needed to specify and dictate exactly how it should've been. I'm sure your DS did not repack DD1's bags, and tbh a pacamac and a hoodie sounds plenty - it's not winter - and it's her fault if not.

A bit confused what happened to DD1 though - where does she fit in - where was she dropped off to?

ginmakesitallok · 15/06/2012 16:01

I would be cross too. At 10 DD is old enough to remember her own coat and repack her won suitcase. But then I'd remember when we went to Canada for 3 weeks years ago, got home to find back patio doors open - and not just unlocked, WIDE open. Luckily the burglars must have been on holiday too....

Birdsgottafly · 15/06/2012 16:02

He may not be the parent, but he is in loco parentis, that's what families that work well do, they help each other out.

DamselInDisgrace · 15/06/2012 16:03

While you're explaining what the problem with leaving the door open is, ask for the change from the £40 you left for dinner.

And make sure your DD gets no sympathy for being cold and wet.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 15/06/2012 16:05

FredFredGeorge, I think the reference to DD1 is a mistype for DD2. IIRC, this Op's DD1 no longer lives at home, as she's grown up. (Sort of.)

DefiniteMaybe · 15/06/2012 16:06

YANBU to be cross with your ds. Being 24 is not an excuse to leave your front door open. He should have been able to make sure your dd took her coat.
I'm 23 and manage to look after my house and 2 children. He should have been able to manage for one night.

OutInAllWeathers · 15/06/2012 16:29

At 24 I was married with 2 dc and another on the way, think he is plenty old enough to deal with buying food and locking the door.

BrianButterfield · 15/06/2012 16:34

At 24 I was regularly left, as many other 24-year-olds are, in sole charge of up to 30 children. YANBU.

LST · 15/06/2012 16:36

Your DS is older than both DP and myself. We have a DS and home of our own. For a 24yo man to not be able to shut a door, pick up post, dishes and ensure his younger sister has a coat is defiantly irresponsible.

(and sounds quite a lot like my 20yo DB Grin)

Magneto · 15/06/2012 16:36

I'm younger than the op's son, married, baby, full time job, cat etc. Remembering to shut and lock the front door is something I learned at around 7 years old.

However mistakes do happen Blush just having flashbacks to the time dh and I left our hotel room door keys on the outside of the door in the lock and didn't even shut the door properly. We weren't even drunk. Sometimes things like this happen.

NicNocJnr · 15/06/2012 16:41

YANBU at all. Yes he was doing you a favour but don't agree if you aren't happy to perform the task you are accepting dilligently - you could have been robbed, DD could have got in a pickle. If you say yes there is a tacit acceptance of in loco parentis - even if you are going to be 'naughty' and have a treat dinner or stay up a bit late (usual non-parent exciting adult stuff).

Like other posters I was a home owner and mother by his age. My DH was a perfectly functioning and trustworthy parent too (before anyone calls me on it! Grin ) . However I also looked after my brother from a much younger age including overnights, laundry, cooking, ironing and whatever else needed to be done. I could close a door too!

The only thing I wonder is - if this is out of character, is he alright? If he is fine and dandy and nothing is going on then my list for A Big Chat would echo yours I think: 1) Younger sister's supervision 2) Asleep after drinking (not saying drunk, no idea from op) and oblivious to dsis awake and making phonecalls/not hearing 2 phones 3) State of house.
I would mention the door and how pissed I was but firmly believe it's a memory lapse that can get the best of any of us - I left my keys in the door once trying to hustle 4 DC's down to the GP surgery and simultaneously ran out of hands and brain space.
DD wouldn't be immune to a Look either and it being firmly pointed out she can do her own packing from now on as I don't appreciate my time being wasted, if she was wet and cold then that's just consequences.
Oh how I am looking forward to yet more of these teenaged years, all my younger cousins have emerged mostly unscathed...it gives me a glimmer of hope we won't be too battered by 5 lots of moody arseness (please don't burst my bubble!!).

Original poster
Downnotout · 15/06/2012 16:54

Goodness me. I am glad I posted this. It makes me realise IAB abit U.
I am calmer now. I will tell DD2 off when she gets back as I had left everything ready and packed by the door and it is her fault for deciding to repackage it. It was probably her who opened the front door too as have spoken to DS and he didn't use it.

But think it is not BU to have gone away before she did and leave DS in charge. He doesn't live with us he has his own place. IABU to expect him to think about all the things a parent thinks about, although still feel a bit annoyed.

As for cheesy chips- DD was very happy with them- it's me who thinks she could have been served something a bit more nutritious for £40!

OP posts:
iknowwho · 15/06/2012 16:58

I would in all honestly be askng for 35 quid back!!!!

MrsBethel · 15/06/2012 17:00

get call from DD2 at 11.15 at night saying DS is asleep on sofa with tv on too loud and she can't get to sleep

Couldn't she just turn it off?

I'd be bloody furious at whoever left the door open.

NicNocJnr · 15/06/2012 17:22

I don't know Down - he didn't actually have to think about it though did he? You left him a list. He is 24, your DD is 12; old enough to know better but need a boot up the arse supervision with the minutae. Hence - The List.

Yy get your change back! Unless it was for fuel too.

Original poster
Downnotout · 15/06/2012 17:32

DD1 was not mistake- have had stressful year with her- but no she does not figure in this thread other than to explain (badly) why DH and I needed the break on our own.

MrsBethel of course she could have turned it off but she was a bit scared. She has had a tough time with everything else that has gone on recently, panic attacks/-anxiety, and I know I am opening up for people to say "well you shouldn't have left her then," but we never have babysitters so DS is the only person we'd leave her with. That's why I'm disappointed in him.

NicNocJnr he's fine, it's not unusual for him to be a bit "laid back" about things. I think having two younger sisters put him off having kids for life. He bought his own flat a few years ago and only has himself to think about so I suppose if he hasnt opened the door, he wouldn't think to check if DD had.IYSWIM.

I also had two children and was married by the time I was his age so I suppose that's why I expected him to be more responsible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Downnotout · 15/06/2012 17:35

Haha fuel too??? He was driving my car! Had to ring him this morning to ask where he had hidden the keys......

At least if the burglars had got in they wouldn't have been able to find them to steal my car!

OP posts: