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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is none of SM business

51 replies

phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:25

Honest opinions, I think I can take it (Eek) Bit of a long story. I have an issue with my father's favouritism towards his daughter from 2nd marriage. It kind of flares up every now and then and fortnight ago was one of those when I wanted to take my DSs to visit him a few days before 75th birthday party and he said no, the weekend before the party he and wife would be much too busy to have us in the house - DSs are 12 & 13 so not babies that might be hard work - they'd spend all day in the pool anyway. and plus, the party was in a hotel, fully catered and mid-week so what did my dad have to do in all honestly. I wrote him an email saying that I bet if step-sister had kids, they would have been welcome (there is a long history behind this) but yes, it was a childish comment cos I felt hurt that he didn't want to see us. BTW my dad lives abroad, so it fitted in with half-term.
Instead of a reply from my father, his wife sent me a long vitriolic email saying basically that i am a sick and twisted person who hides behind a mask of niceness and that I need professional help. AIBU to think that a private email between a father and daughter is none of her business and she was out of order. If that was there shared opinion, fine, but response should have come from my father, surely.

OP posts:
BambieO · 15/06/2012 12:29

Oooh tough one, I can see why you would be upset but I imagine the SM is horrified that you seem to harbour such a grudge against her PFB

If you were in SM shoes and it was your DD being used as a scapegoat for her fathers inability to treat his children the same I imagine you would be none too happy?

I wouldn't necessarily say YABU in your feelings but perhaps a converstaion with your father rather than email which always seems harsher than intended?

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:34

I actually get on really well with my half-sister, and she would be the first to say that she is the favourite, although she often wishes she wasn't as it comes with loads of obligations and crap. BTW what is PFB an acronym for?

OP posts:
BambieO · 15/06/2012 12:35

Precious First Born Phi, I just imagine she was peeved that her child is being seen as a trouble maker /creating a family divide as such through seemingly no fault of her own?

SuchProspects · 15/06/2012 12:36

It's her business if your father shows it to her, unless she snoops through his email without his permission. As his wife she has good reason to be concerned about the impact you have on her family, especially if she thinks you are unfairly having a go at her daughter (not saying you are, just that these things look different from different perspectives). Her email sounds frustrated, unfair and poorly thought out (there's no way for it todo any real good and she clearly doesn't have your best interests at heart). But it's not really the root of the problem is it?

It's hard when one of your parents abandons you for another family. It's not what parents are supposed to do and it's not surprising you are upset by it. I have a half brother and see some of the same actions by my father. But it isn't really your SM you have a problem with, it's your father and his lack of loyalty to you. If you are having a hard time finding a grown up way to relate to him when you have teenagers of your own, then some professional help might be in order. Not because you are sick and twisted, but because finding a way to live peacefully with a situation you cannot change is in your best interests and that of your children.

avivabeaver · 15/06/2012 12:38

sorry, but i think you have to assume that your father would share this info with his wife. what with them being man and wife. I also think that your step mother probably feels justified in her response to you. how would you feel if your step daughter, who is an adult with teenagers was emailing your husband hinting that there was favouritism at play?

i also think it was an error for you to set up a tenuous "i bet if step sister had kids" scenario.

Maybe at 75 your dad really cant be arsed to involve himself in all this.

Rise above it- you'll regret this bickering when he is gone.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 15/06/2012 12:40

It was a childish thing to say and this has nothing to do with your half sister anyway. You say there is history between you and your sister about who is the favourite so without wanting to sound patronising, maybe you are seeing slights against you that aren't actually there?

As for what your SM said, yes it does sound very harsh but maybe what you said to your dad about his other daughter really hurt so he shared that hurt with his wife (understandable) and she is merely defending her dh and dd? I know I'm guilty of jumping in to someone else's fight with the best of intentions.

Sandalwood · 15/06/2012 12:41

It sounds like you upset him and maybe he spoke with her about how hurt he was.
You sounded like you were spoiling for an argument at the start anyway - "so what did my dad have to do in all honestly"

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:42

Thank for that - I have to say I am sooo regretting my email, bloody emails, at least something said verbally can only be heard once and is easier to move on from. I just feel SM wading in makes everything worse than it needed to be.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 15/06/2012 12:44

If one of my children sent me an email like that, I would show it to my partner. Not sure I would let them answer it though.... But perhaps your father let's his wife fight his battles?

You said something that came across as a cheap shot ( but I understand your point) and she had chucked back an angry email.

Hope everyone calms down and you can move on from this ( if you want to.....)

BambieO · 15/06/2012 12:44

I feel for you OP, I can imagine being in your shoes I have many friends with Step-families, it cannot be easy and there must be some hurt at times all round.

Maybe send an apology and say it was not aimed at your SS but perhaps you can go to lunch with your dad just the two of you and have a chat with him as you are feeling a bit low?

avivabeaver · 15/06/2012 12:47

defo one of those emails to write and then delete.

You live and learn.

what you going to do now?

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:48

Sandalwood - I wasn't spoiling for a fight initially, I just really wanted the 3 of us (me and DSs) to spend a few days together with their grandfather. my father and his wife have traditional marriage and I know he would not have to lift one finger to organise his own party. He has said my DSs can visit next holidays but on their own as SM is now pissed off with me, but I'm not sure they are old enough yet. I can see from the comments that I was out of order, I do feel so awful now.

OP posts:
BambieO · 15/06/2012 12:51

Ah OP don't feel awful Sad maybe just put your energies into explaining the mishap and sorting it out with SM, after all, it's just an error of judgement really, you know now you probably shouldn't have sent that email. If you apologise sincerely and she still wants to continue to be annoyed then there is little more you can do but at least your DF will know you have tried

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:51

BambieO a cup of coffee with just me & father would be an obvious solution but he lives in another country so bit of a long flight for a cup of coffee Confused

OP posts:
BambieO · 15/06/2012 12:52

Oh haha apologies! Maybe a phone call then Grin

Beamur · 15/06/2012 12:53

Well, it sounds like this is perhaps the latest round in an on-going family dispute.
To me it sounds like your Dad said no to a request you thought was reasonable - but it's his house and his choice, so you should have just accepted the refusal, but your reply was childish, petulant and out of order.
He is entitled to share with his wife whatever he wants to, although her response will do little more than inflame the situation.
If I were you, and wanted to smooth this out, then unreservedly apologise to them both and try and be more grown up in your responses to disappointment in future.
Whilst this might sound a bit unkind, I have a long history of being disappointed with my own Dads treatment of me and have learnt that if you can't cope with being let down (again) then don't put yourself in the position where you can be.

porcamiseria · 15/06/2012 12:55

well, I feel bad for you as living under the yoke of favouritism cant be nice

so you said something shitty
she replied with something even shittier

and so on!

I dont think we know nearly enough to be able to comment

but at the end of the day you are both human, and reacted in an angry human way

once your Dad is gone you will never have to see her again

sometimes, doing nothing is the best thing to do, allow yourself to be upset, respond civilly to any communications and see how you feel in a few weeks time

she sounds like a bit of a cxxt though

squeakytoy · 15/06/2012 12:56

YABU and incredibly childish.

You clearly dont like your SM, and dont seem to think much of your sister either. Odd that you cant decide between calling her your half sister and also your stepsister.

My stepkids have a sister who has a different father, and they view her as their sister, and an equal.

You wanted a convenient holiday (and I assume cheap.. ) holiday for half term, and thought you would take advantage of your fathers home, they didnt want the burden of guests. And having two teenage boys running around can be noisy and just as full on as having babies around, if not more so.

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 12:58

so consensus is that SM was right to send a vicious email in defence of her DH - she knows me and her DD are very close so don't think she was defending her - I just felt it was none of SM's, but clearly I'm wrong. My DH and his brother are locked in a long running feud over an inheritance and I am tempted sometimes to fire in my 2 pennies worth, but I think it's NOMB so I don't and I saw this situation as being none of SM's business.

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 15/06/2012 13:01

nah, more views will come in OP

Yes, you were misguided to respond that way.

I think beamur gives very wise advice. Try and accept the status quo, and decide if you want a relationship on these terms, or not

But it sounds like a looooong sad family story, and I am guessing this is just one chapter

x

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 13:02

squeakytoy Yes, you are right, I don't like my SM very much so in that way SM was spot on in her email about me wearing a polite mask. However, I didn't mention her in my email to my dad. and BTW, in real life i call my half-sister just 'my sister' and was just confusing myself in my typing between half sister and step mother.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 15/06/2012 13:04

It is kinda her business as it's about the family. It's about you, your father ( her husband), your sister ( her daughter). I am guessing she would be around and involved at the visit you wanted to make?

I think she has over-reacted but has there been stuff brewing here for a while.

If you wanted a private discussion with your father about how you feel - then you need to speak to him privately. Not an email. They are easy to 'misunderstand' or hide behind.

Original poster
phi40 · 15/06/2012 13:06

Beamur thank you - ugh, the truth is painful. I am usually good at taking a deep breath and making sure I'm calm before I respond to situations - not sure what came over me this time. It irks me to think SM has moral high ground here when her email was significantly nastier than my original one.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/06/2012 13:06

If my stepdaughter sent a vicious email to my husband, that upset him, and also concerned my own daughter, I would email her back if he had showed it to me. Of course it is her business!

MarySA · 15/06/2012 13:06

I think SM was totally out of order to send the e-mail. Your e-mail was to your father and not her. But I never think those feuds about who gets more attention and who is the favourite are ever very worthwile. And it was totally pointless to make up a hypothetical situation that if your stepsister had kids they would be welcome.

I know favouritism does exist in families. There is nothing wrong with stating in a rational way that you aren't pleased. And it sounds as if it isn't just this one incident that you aren't happy about. But it never seems to do much good. But I do think you were a bit unreasonable to want to visit before the party. I wouldn't want visitors a week before a party I was trying to arrange.