AIBU to think this is none of SM business

[phi40]

Honest opinions, I think I can take it (Eek) Bit of a long story. I have an issue with my father's favouritism towards his daughter from 2nd marriage. It kind of flares up every now and then and fortnight ago was one of those when I wanted to take my DSs to visit him a few days before 75th birthday party and he said no, the weekend before the party he and wife would be much too busy to have us in the house - DSs are 12 & 13 so not babies that might be hard work - they'd spend all day in the pool anyway. and plus, the party was in a hotel, fully catered and mid-week so what did my dad have to do in all honestly. I wrote him an email saying that I bet if step-sister had kids, they would have been welcome (there is a long history behind this) but yes, it was a childish comment cos I felt hurt that he didn't want to see us. BTW my dad lives abroad, so it fitted in with half-term.
Instead of a reply from my father, his wife sent me a long vitriolic email saying basically that i am a sick and twisted person who hides behind a mask of niceness and that I need professional help. AIBU to think that a private email between a father and daughter is none of her business and she was out of order. If that was there shared opinion, fine, but response should have come from my father, surely.

squeakytoy - I see you are an SM, so perhaps you are slightly biased in my SM's favour?

I wouldn't say she has the moral high ground. Her email doesn't sound any more mature than your own and what she should have done was held back, just as you should have. But you started it, so don't really have grounds to complain about her.

I think the 'coffee' - obviously virtual one - has to be with you SM
And I say that as SD who has absolutely no time of day for her SM. They have been married 20 odd years now, together for around 30. We have nothing in common apart from a love of my Dad, so we have reached a sort of compromise of polite indifference.
Having said all that you wrote the first email - and yes it was for your Dad but it's reasonable to assume he'd show his wife. So sorry I think you have to clear the air with her (which by default clears the air with him) and then move on. And I also think it needs talking as opposed to email.

IMO, at least 2 ways of dealing with this....

1: Ignore her email and pretend it never happened. She should have been the bigger person, sounds like you may have trodden on a corn of hers...

1. Call your dad and apologise for the email, that you were frustrated and that it was silly of you to have sent it. You could then perhaps speak to your SM and reiterate what you have said to your Dad, and leave it at that.

HOWEVER....IF she starts on, say YES, well we know what you think of me, but it's not relevant to the relationship between my dad and I... and end the conversation with I have said what I needed to say, goodbye.

DON'T reply to the SM email, it doesn't dignify a response. It's nasty and puerile.

I am a SM yes, but I have no children with my SM's father (my SKs other sister is from another relationship with their mother), so am not biased in that respect. MY stepchildren are grown adults and I get on well with two out of the three. The third one has no relationship with either myself or my husband and has not done for 3 years, so I do also know how difficult it is when families fall out spectacularly.

From past experience I can definately say that emails will almost always be shared with a spouse, and it is never a good idea to slag someone off if you dont want them to know you have done it.

I suspect that there is a very detailed backstory here which would explain why you have so much animosty for your SM though. So I am basing my opinion on what you have posted.

I don't think the SM should have sent a nasty email OP, I don't condone that at all so you aren't in the wrong alone, I think it was just a case of fire and retaliate perhaps without thinking things through on both parts.

If I were her and felt I absolutely had to respond on behalf of my DH (although I would imagine he would respond himself and defend any points we considered invalid) it would have been in such a manner as to get across the point that any issues you have with DF are not influenced by SS and she should not be involved in an argument which she does not belong in so as not to affect your relationship as sisters, so please could you and DF sort out these issues without bringing her into it and so that everyone can move on as a family.

If she is normally unreasonable I can see why you are angry at her responding, some people just like to make things about them when really the issue here is you and DF's relationship.

If you and her don't want to or can't get along there is enough distance between you for it not to be a problem and as adults I am sure everyone can just be civil when required.

OP- i genuinely do not think that your stepmother should have sent you a horrible email.

in your shoes i think that i would send an email to both of them. I would be fulsome in my apology for any hurt that you caused, that you did not mean to do so. That you acted hastily and were upset that your boys could not see their grandad over half term. That your reference to your sister was tongue in cheek (if you can get away with this). Would finish with really life is too short, hope we can all move on from this and I'll call dad in a couple of days- love from boys type of thing.

"I just felt it was none of SM's"

You upset her DH days before an important birthday and he shared that with her.

I was a SM and i have gotten sick of myself and my DD's being blaimed for the way the relationship went between my DH and his adult children (he is now deceased). I now 'wade in' and no longer hold back if they attack one of my DD's over it.

They had time to confront their dad about his dis-interest, they should have done that.

You should tell your dad how you feel, without bringing anyone else into it and try to get some closure on it, before he 'passes'.

Tbh, i think that my SC need professional help to overcome some issues and should get it before their mother dies and, i've told them that.

You were annoyed that they said no to the half -term trip, but, like others have said, its their life and home and obviously they aren't ok with it this time around.

You shouldn't have sent the email, but you know that. She shouldn't have dignified your email with a response but she did. Life really is too short. You will feel a lot better if you just pick up the phone and call your Dad and unreservedly apologise to both of them. In effect you will gain the moral high ground by not responding to her silly email. Just try to move on from this so it doesn't overshadow what sounds like a fab party to celebrate your Dad's 75th birthday.

I'm sure she got upset on your dad's behalf because, let's face it, at 75 he really doesn't need the drama of a tantrum does he?

I don't know what she said (obviously) but I wouldn't hold it against her too much. She may have seen her dh upset and reacted to it. Just like you reacted to what you perceived as a slight to you and your DSs.

I think you need to apologise to your dad. But then, she should apologise too for what she has said.

yes you were unreasonable

SM has had enough, her DH has been upset before a landmark occasion that she has been preparing for for months I imagine

Pick up the phone, apologise unreservedly

I don't know the full story, but from what you've said in your OP, it seems pretty unfair to drag your step sister in to things. How old is she?

Your father's wife was probably upset/annoyed/hurt that you dragged her daughter in to the equation, and this provoked her response to you.

Any father should want to see their children and grandchildren, I completely understand how upset you must have been when he said no. But it isn't your step sister's fault. Because of your response though I think his wife was completely reasonable.

If however, you hadn't have said what you said about your step sister and just kept it between you and your father, without dragging others in to it, then the conversation should have then been kept between father and daughter. As I said, his wife was sticking up for her daughter and rightly so.

I hope you manage to get things sorted. Blended families can be hard work sometimes!

Actually, I don't agree that it was your stepmother's place to send you an email advising you to seek professional help. I'm surprised people think she was being reasonable.

Yes of course you shouldn't have sent the first email, and should know better as an adult but that doesn't really excuse her behaviour. Your Dad, at 75, should be grown up enough to fight his own battles. However, you unless you want a family feud you will need to apologise.

I wouldn't apologise. I think that correspondence between a father and daughter is private and he shouldn't be allowing his wife to deal with this - anything he has to say, should come from him directly. When you are in a step family situation, you can't expect your dc to accept you sharing their business with your spouse, they way they would if your spouse was also their other parent, iyswim.

As a parent, my first thought would be distress that one of my children felt that my other child was favoured - in his position, I would have called you to talk about it. Given that he let his wife send a vitriolic email, rather than talk to you directly, does rather confirm that what you've said is true.

Facts is facts - if your sister is the favourite, and obviously treated as such, to the point that even your sister acknowledges it, then your dad and sm should be feeling shame at being such crap parents to you, rather than outrage, because you called them on it. Have they said that they would have responded the same way to ss children (if she had any)? Or did they gloss over that?

The whole 'kids can visit, but you can't, next holiday' thing is horrible. My dc would not be going anywhere that I was unwelcome.

I also disagree with putting up with any old shit, because one day he'll be dead, mentality. If you are sure that you dad has a favourite, then have the courage of your convictions. I think you did play into your sm hands a bit - you gave her ammunition she can use against you. Personally, I would phone my dad and tell him a) emails to him are for him, not sm and b) you accept they are not obliged to have guests they don't want, but you are hurt that he doesn't want to see you, c) you feel they have obviously favoured ss - natural for sm, but this saddens you and d) if you are not welcome to visit, then neither will your dc and e) that you have always been polite to sm, but she was pretty nasty in her email and as your father, he ought to not allow his wife to be spiteful.

I think I would just maintain a relationship with my sister. I really hate favouritism in families - it's an awful thing to do to your children and I have no tolerance of parents who do this.

I'd go down the route of 'least said soonest mended' on this one.
Apologise for any upset your email caused (you're not apologising for the content that way ) - don't expect one back.
Be sweetness and light next time you meet and say nothing ever again about the email debacle.
(I'm a SM and a SD so have experienced both sides of this coin)

OP, I think you may have taken the original visit refusal too literally. You asked to come over, and they didn't want you to. Maybe they have an embarrassing case of scrofula, or they think your deodorant is ineffective. Who knows? In any case, they made up some excuses about being busy because of the party to be polite. Your response to their perfectly reasonable refusal must have been upsetting.

I do think that it is SM's business. She's his wife, and the closest person to him on a day-to-day basis. If something is upsetting him, she is the natural person for him to confide in. I can certainly understand why she was angry.

However, I think her email was ill-advised if she wants any kind of long-term harmony.

If, on the other hand, her intention was to sever ties with you on a permanent basis, this was probably an effective way to go about it.

step sister or half sister? They are two entirely different things.

half sister, op clarified in a later post..

Torn on this one OP.

Your comment was perhaps a bit harsh but sent in the heat of the moment. Were you all able to go to the party or was it not possible? Was the trip you wanted to take in place of seeing him at the party for his birthday?

We had a big falling out with my IL's once (more than once actually, but this specific time is sort of relevant to your story) and they were awful. The behaved spectacularly badly all through Christmas and New Year and besieged us with telephone calls for five weeks, four of which I was very ill for, and drove DH almost mad with guilt and anger.

It was so bad we kept our mobiles switched off because they were constantly ringing us to abuse us and I even turned off the ringer on the landline. They rang so often that on the odd times we switched the ringer back on the phone was either ringing as we did it or rang very soon afterwards. All hours of the day and night, phone calls and messages just filled with crying and shouting.

Eventually, when I felt better from my illness, I wrote to my IL's and told them that their behaviour had been awful and that they were driving their son away, which at the time was something I didn't want to happen.

FIL rang us later that day and demanded, in a very angry tone, to speak to "his son" and I said no (DH was out anyway) because I had written the letter and if they were going to have a go at him because of it they would be better of taking it out on me. FIL said "What I have to say to MY SON is between him and me NOT YOU" and put the phone down on me.

I rang back, told them that the next time they put the phone down on me would be the last time as I would have the numbers changed and not give them to PILs and that if FIL was intent on having another go at DH then that would be the moment they lost him for good because he was at breaking point.

I don't know where I got so brave but my point was, we are married and I wasn't having them exclude me under the banner of him being their son when he was also my husband. So I can see your SM's point when she decided to email you.

But from your side of things, I wrote the letter to them so I should have been the one they shouted at because of it (although really I don't think they should have shouted at all and actually after my phone call back to them they spent a few hours thinking about my threat and eventually rang back to apologise - to DH but not me) so I do think that if anyone was going to rant at you for your email then it should have been your father.

None of this is any use to you whatsoever but at least you know you're not the only one to send ranty correspondence to family and then bear the brunt of the reaction.

Sadly my PILs never got any better, only worse and now I never see them and DH sees them very rarely.

My only suggestion is to tell your dad that you love him, you were sad and disappointed that you wouldn't be able to see him for his birthday and you lashed out unfairly because you were hurt. Apologise to both of them and say you just want to be able to spend time with them both and your boys. Tell them you love your sister and wish that you could have as close a relationship with him as she does.

And hopefully that should help. I hope it all works out for you.

I am going to buck the trend here and say I think she needed to keep her nose out of something that was between you and your dad.

Yeah, you having been out of order originally doesn't give her the right to get involved. I can't imagine why she thinks it's appropriate to interfere in private email correspondence, whether she's shown it or not.

I tend to agree that SMs email was out of order - a lost opportunity to smooth things over.

However, it struck me that you said they have a very 'traditional' marriage and she will be organising the whole party etc. That suggests to me that she will bear the brunt of having extra guests, so perhaps she felt annoyed that you asked your dad and not her about coming to stay?

I am also going to buck the trend and say I think your SM was rude, vicious and unhelpful.
Since when is it her business to intercede between her DH and his DD?
He is 75 yrs old fgs, not a frail 102 yr old invalid!

Yes, she is married to the man but that does not give her the right to respond to an email sent to him and for him alone! From his daughter! It was a private communication [otherwise she would have been copied in] and if did show it to her she should have had more tact and kept her thoughts to herself. I am absolutely amazed that some here feel she was reasonable or justifiable in her quite appalling behaviour!

OP, I actually agree with SuchProspects, one of the first respondents. They said something along the lines of that although it was absolutely not your SMs place to spitefully suggest professional help it might actually be of some use here. As you say, there seems to be a long history of hurt, rejection, abandonment, parental indifference, favouritism, etc. It may be impossible for you to get through to your father and work through all this with him [it seems he probably hides behind his wife anyway and she will fight his battles for him by the look of it] and so your only way to manage it is to work through it within yourself. I think SuchProspects said something along the lines of learning to live with the situation peacefully for your own sake and that of your sons.
Professional counselling would help you to do this [I've also been there and worn the t-shirt of dysfunctional family and counselling was my lifesaver].

But good luck with all this OP. I think in your situation now I would ignore your SMs email, don't even acknowledge it, ignore, ignore, ignore [will take the wind out of her sails]. Phone your Dad and talk it through with him. Apologise for upsetting him but explain how you feel and try to come to a compromise re visiting. If SM brings up her email or the feelings contained within I think I would speak with her about it, firstly to say you felt she was out of order in her choice of words but obviously she has a grudge with you which you would like to discuss.

I guess what I am saying is don't burn your bridges, be the bigger person and see a counsellor to work through your justifiable and understandable hurt and resentment. Good luck!