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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to NOT let my dc aged 12 and 9 to go on holiday to france with their aunt and uncle

46 replies

sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 17:25

ok I will try and give as much info as possible so as not to dripfeed.

I have 4 dc who have two different dads. The eldest dc are ds who is 12 and dd1 who is 9. I get on reasonably well with him, he is a good dad and spends a lot of time with his children, he has been on holiday with them abroad, no probs there.

He's just phoned me to say that his sister (who I do know but not very well and her husband) have offered to take dc away to the Loire Valley in August. This is great but for a few snags.

my ex is NOT going with them as he is broke.

There will be no other children

Aunt and uncle are hiring a cottage in which 5 other friends will be there, I do not know these friends, there will be men and women there my children will not know very well if at all.

Ex has admitted that there will be some drinking in the evenings, I totally trust his sister and her husband, have known the sis since she was 12 although not spoken much since ex and i seperated 8 years ago. Her husband I have known for years but not the friends ifswim.

Ds has adhd and has been referred for an autistic assessment. He has meltdowns and has really struggled with things this past year.

dd is also having a few problems and feels apprehensive a bout being away from me.

I have even offered to pay for him to go with them (I just wouldn't have the maintenance money for a couple of months) which would be tight for me but I would totally do it. He Has NEVER missed a maintenance payment in 8 years so I wouldnt mind but he was a bit Hmm at this.

He is also Hmm that I wont let them go so Im just wondering what you all might think? Aibu?

OP posts:
shrimponastick · 14/06/2012 17:28

Hmm... without knowing the adults and the children it is not so easy to say.

I think I would be happier if their father did go with them. Why don't you thinki he wants to go - even though you have offered to, in effect, pay for him?

The DC would probably be more settled with an immediate parent there...

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/06/2012 17:30

Just because they live with you doesn't make you responsible for all decisions. they have a right to know all of their extended family, holiday with them if the opportunity arises and if your Ex is ok with it, why aren't you trusting his judgement on the matter?

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 17:36

Because i dont know the friends I think.

Also because ds has adhd/possible asd too. And I feel unwilling to leave my dc when there could be people getting pissed, my dd is only 9! My ds also disapears if he doesnt like something. I don't fancy him doing that In France. His dad knows how to handle him, his sister although good sometimes forgets his meds and shouts at him

They know their aunt and uncle very well, they see them every weekend and have been away for short weekends with them

I don't think ex can get the time off work to go

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 17:38

I'm not stopping any holidays at all just uneasy about France with a load of people they don't know, aunt and uncle on thier own would be fine!

OP posts:
more · 14/06/2012 17:38

I wouldn't. I might if there were other children, but just something about it seems odd.

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 17:48

i would feel far happier if their Dad went with them..

I didnt feel like this when my ex and his then girlfriend took the dc away to Fuerteventura in 2010. I was more than happy for them to go

So wy do I feel uneaasy this time

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 14/06/2012 17:52

a childless couple, going away with a group of childless adults, what fun is that going to be for them OR your DC?

a holiday without kids is totally unlike a holiday with/for kids!

I would not let mine go without their father, in the circs you describe.

Wingedharpy · 14/06/2012 18:01

Agree with phantom. I can't understand why his sister would even want to take your children given that they are going with a group of adult friends and while his sister and partner may be willing to consider your children first when planning holiday activities etc, their friends won't necessarilly feel the same way so there is the possibility of friction among the adults which will come across to your children. I'd thank them for the lovely thought but say you'd prefer if your ex was going or it was just sister and husband so thanks but no thanks.

DublinMammy · 14/06/2012 18:33

Agree with Phantom and Wingerharpy, thanks but no thanks, perhaps next time if Ex is going or it is just ex-SIL & her DH.

DublinMammy · 14/06/2012 18:33

Sorry, Winged, not Winger....

Manganese · 14/06/2012 18:46

Can your children:

  1. Speak reasonably good French?
  2. know what to do (and contact) in an emergency? Do you know:
  3. Who will look after their "papiers" (e.g passports)?
  4. the full address of where they are staying, and the name and addresses of the individuals who will be with them?

If the answers to any of the above are 'no' or 'don't know', I would not let them go on this holiday. But that's just my opinion.

Also, I would be suspicious as to why a group of adults (barely known to you or your children) without children of their own would volunteer to look after yours. Besides, how come there are funds for the children to go on this holiday, but no funds for your ex-husband to be with them? Very strange, but different strokes for different folk and all that.

squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 18:50

They know their aunt and uncle very well, they see them every weekend and have been away for short weekends with them

I would have thought that the aunt and uncle were reasonably good at caring for them then. If the kids want to go, then I cant see any real reason why they shouldnt.

redwineformethanks · 14/06/2012 19:10

I think they should go. They're old enough to speak up if they're not happy. How nice that your ex SIL is interested enough to offer to take her niece and nephew on holiday

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 20:06

My son is not mature enough to speak for himself though, he has adhd/possible asd too, has regular meltdowns and gets distressed in an unfamiliar place which is why i am worried.

Its the group of friends I don't know who will be drinking everynight that I'm not happy with.

The dc cannot speak any french, I have no idea who will be looking after their papers neither do I know where this remote cottage will be.

Ive just spoken to my dd, She doesn't want to go without her dad either.

I hadn't thought about the friction between all the friends about the children being there either, thats a very valid point. If there were other children there then it wouldnt be so bad but there are NO other children going and I should imagine that would be very isolating for the dc especially my 9 year old dd.

Oh ds has just come in with wry look on his face too, he's not keen either. He wants his dad to go too

OP posts:
dexter73 · 14/06/2012 20:08

If the kids don't want to go then I would decline and say they aren't happy going without their dad. Tbh it doesn't sound like it would be a great holiday if it is a large group of adults and no other kids.

AdventuresWithVoles · 14/06/2012 20:09

I totally trust his sister and her husband
then you should trust their judgement in the company of other adults they choose to keep.

But if your DC don't feel confident about going then that's a clincher for me, I wouldn't make them go if they don't want to.

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 20:12

jumpingthroughhoops. I should think its a joint decision whether not or not dc should go. There have been times when my ex has been unhappy at some of the things Ive wanted to do with the dc and Ive respected his wishes.

We have a very good amicable relationship thankfully. We both respect each others decisions although we may grumble in private we still make joint decisions regarding the dc.

he's not a twat like my other ex

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 20:15

Also what would happen if the dc needed medical treatment in france. How would that work?

OP posts:
wearymama · 14/06/2012 20:22

If the children dont want to go thats end of discussion really?

ZZZenAgain · 14/06/2012 20:26

I definitely wouldn't do it. I let dd (aged 11) go on holiday with SIL in France this year (dd and I both know her well) and it was a total disaster - crying down the phone all the time etc. Never again.

thebody · 14/06/2012 20:28

If your children don't want to go then that's the end of it.

Why does your sil want them anyway on an adult holiday?? My sis is a teacher But has no kids and always wanted to take my older dss away, they would have been over a clIff while her and her ds were discussing star constellations!!

Say no as u don't know these friends either! They may be lovely or they could be raging paedos who are engineering the holiday so for me a big fat no!!

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 20:29

zzen your poor dd Sad. This is why I'm reluctant for dc to go. Its a bloody long way to go to get them if they are not happy.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 14/06/2012 20:31

yes, even further for me but I went and got her in the end. I am sure your relations mean well but I wouldn't do it again

Dozer · 14/06/2012 20:31

It'd be a no from me.

Hulababy · 14/06/2012 20:31

I'm not sure if I would want my DD to go tbh - a holiday with lots of childless couples doesn't really seem like much of a kids holiday.