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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to NOT let my dc aged 12 and 9 to go on holiday to france with their aunt and uncle

46 replies

sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 17:25

ok I will try and give as much info as possible so as not to dripfeed.

I have 4 dc who have two different dads. The eldest dc are ds who is 12 and dd1 who is 9. I get on reasonably well with him, he is a good dad and spends a lot of time with his children, he has been on holiday with them abroad, no probs there.

He's just phoned me to say that his sister (who I do know but not very well and her husband) have offered to take dc away to the Loire Valley in August. This is great but for a few snags.

my ex is NOT going with them as he is broke.

There will be no other children

Aunt and uncle are hiring a cottage in which 5 other friends will be there, I do not know these friends, there will be men and women there my children will not know very well if at all.

Ex has admitted that there will be some drinking in the evenings, I totally trust his sister and her husband, have known the sis since she was 12 although not spoken much since ex and i seperated 8 years ago. Her husband I have known for years but not the friends ifswim.

Ds has adhd and has been referred for an autistic assessment. He has meltdowns and has really struggled with things this past year.

dd is also having a few problems and feels apprehensive a bout being away from me.

I have even offered to pay for him to go with them (I just wouldn't have the maintenance money for a couple of months) which would be tight for me but I would totally do it. He Has NEVER missed a maintenance payment in 8 years so I wouldnt mind but he was a bit Hmm at this.

He is also Hmm that I wont let them go so Im just wondering what you all might think? Aibu?

OP posts:
poshbird1 · 14/06/2012 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 21:16

It doesn't seem much of a holiday does it really hulababy. I cant imagine my dc gaining anything from this holiday sadly

Poshbird thats really shockieng! Your poor friend. I think thats made up my mind completely now. Unless dc dad goes with them then no way on earth are they going. I dont think for one minute that the uncle is dodgy but there is a risk with the unknown friends

Thank you to all of you for your input!

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 21:16

My spelling is shocking! Damn phone.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 21:21

If they dont want to go, then really there is no issue anyway. If they did want to, it would be different, but it would be unfair to force them to go if you wanted them to, unfair on them, and unfair on the other guests too.

I think the paedophile paranoia is a bit silly though. It is rare, and you let your kids go to their aunt and uncle and go on weekends away with them.

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 21:37

I dont let them go away with the aunts and uncles friends though squeaky. Its been family only and even then ex and his mum have gone too.

I would have no problem with JUST aunt and uncle but there will be people there my dc do not know and both my dc are vulnerable.

But the kids not keen anyway so we are ok!

OP posts:
MrsDucklips · 14/06/2012 21:39

No,no and no. Children will be bored, SIL and partner won't be able to relax with their friends in an adult fashion (getting pissed) AND you will be anxious. You sound like a reasonable person quite happily allowing your children to spend time with their extended family BUT your gut is telling you something and you should listen.

breasticles · 14/06/2012 21:57

DNBU from me too. I can understand your concerns entirely.

I suspect that they'd also get asked a lot of questions at border control, even with letters from you and their dad. And rightly so IMO. I got questioned when I travelled alone with my daughter just because she has her dad's surname. I now always travel with a copy of her birth certificate just in case.

I do think it's reasonable to say no if their dad can't go and I do think if one parent feels strongly enough in a situation like this, then that has to be accepted really. It's not like you just don't want them to have a holiday, you have genuine and reasonable concerns. Hopefully your XP will understand.

Hope it all works out.

Could you go? Wink

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 22:07

Thanks breasticles and Mrs ducklips.

My instinct radar is def kicking in this time, the more I think about it the more uneasy I grow. The border control thing I never thought about either, it looks odd doesn't it. A group of people travelling with two young children who aren't even their parents going to a remote cottage in France.

OP posts:
breasticles · 14/06/2012 22:08

Sorry but yes.Hmm

breasticles · 14/06/2012 22:14

Instinct, that's all there is sometimes. And it goes a long way IMO. I don't ever think I've been proved wrong when I've had a bad gut feeling about something - it's got me out of some really scary situations.

It's also useful sometimes to check you're not just being paranoid though! Grin

Which I don't think you are, by the way!

Turniphead1 · 14/06/2012 22:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

dexter73 · 14/06/2012 22:29

The passport control thing is fine. We often take dd's friends on holiday with us and have only been asked once to show them a letter from their parents giving us permission to have them.

CatholicDad · 14/06/2012 22:33

Sorry to fly in the face of so much thoughtful and well-meaning advice but I'm not totally convinced by the arguments being put forward here. If you don't want them to go AND they don't want to, that suggests clearly it's a no-no. But is it definitely not a case of you passing on your anxieties to your children?

I couldn't help noticing you said your ex "admitted" there would be drinking among the other guests. Well, they are adults and they're going on holiday to the Loire valley. Unless they have all taken vows of abstinence, why wouldn't they drink?

I'm also not sure I'm persuaded potential delays at "border control" constitute a reason they shouldn't go. Why would that be a problem for you or your children?

And as someone else said, you trust the aunt and uncle, don't you?

But I also agree it is quite possibly going to be boring and I can understand why you feel anxious about your son in particular. So in short I feel you possibly are being unreasonable. But only a little bit.

madmouse · 14/06/2012 22:34

It's the other adults that would be the breaking point for me. People I don't know in a chalet with my dc overnight without me there. No. Period.

You've been very very generous offering to pay for your ex to go with them. He should take that option or not moan at you saying no.

mummytime · 14/06/2012 22:46

It sounds boring for kids. A cottage in the Loire is light years away for fun for kids, I would have to work hard to get my kids enthused about a family holiday there.

Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 23:03

Catholicdad they can all drink as much as they like, as you say they are all adults but not when they are in charge of my vulnerable 12 and 9 year old. If something were to happen will they be sober enough to act responsibly, also I do not Know the friends at all and thats the deal breaker for me.well the kids dont want to go anyway!

I can understand what your saying about passing my anxieties on to my children but if that was the case I would refuse to let them go on holiday with extended family at all which I dont. The big issue for me is what madmouse said strange people in a chalet over night with dc is a no no

OP posts:
Original poster
sheepsgomeeping · 14/06/2012 23:08

Dexter what if you hadn't have had the letter from the parents? Would you have been unable to proceed through border control?

OP posts:
LadySybil · 14/06/2012 23:11

no

If you are having to think about it this hard, then that is the obvious answer. If it was their father taking them, and it was exactly the same set up, then fine, I see no reason why the answer should be no. But if he isnt going, then definite no. And I'm the poster who is happy to send dd abroad for three weeks with dsis for a wedding. :)

youarekidding · 14/06/2012 23:20

Personally I wouldn't.

It doesn't sound like your DC's want to go so the chances are they wouldn't enjoy it and so you wouldn't enjoy then being away.

lovebunny · 15/06/2012 06:06

not letting them go is a clear and distinct way of protecting them against possible harm.

keep them at home.

where is the rule that says you have to let your children go amongst strangers? i'd do all i could to stop my daughter going into that situation, and she's 30!

dexter73 · 15/06/2012 07:20

I don't know. You are advised to take a letter if you are travelling with other peoples children so we have always had one, but only once been asked to produce it.

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