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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not agree with school about this?!

74 replies

StrawberryJamTart · 13/06/2012 21:04

Maybe I am being totally unreasonable but I don't feel I am in the wrong. I am a regular who has name changed as don't want to be identified and some details below may do that!

I work in a school. The leader of our key stage has said we are not allowed to make Father's day cards as it's not the done thing.

For Mother's day we had to make cards and presents (which was lovely) and I want to do the same for father's day.

One girl in the class has two dads (adopted) and i feel so upset to think they won't get a card from her made at school.

It's not even to do with not knowing if there is a dad on the scene as for the class I work with, we know the background of all the children and know it would be safe to send a card home.

There's nothing I can do to over ride her decision but just feel so sad that the children won't be making cards
hormones may have exacerbated my emotions

OP posts:

halcyondays · 14/06/2012 12:15

Exactly, of course it's lovely when your kids bring home a card they've made for you, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if they didn't. They can always make them at home.

CrumpettyTree · 14/06/2012 12:21

I always remember going to a youth club when I was about 13/14 and it was near mothers day and there was a girl there whose mum had died not long before. The youth leader was telling us to remember everything our mums did for us etc and the girl ran out of the room crying. :(

Rosebud05 · 14/06/2012 12:27

I love home made cards but, tbh, I'm not a fan of Mother or Father day ones being sent home from school because it always makes me wonder about the children for whom - for whatever reason - it's painful for.

My preference would be that children were encouraged to make cards whenever they felt like it for whoever, and sensitive occasions not drawn attention to.

exoticfruits · 14/06/2012 13:41

I never said anything and DS just made the card for grandad, so posters like SummerRain would be able to say that it wasn't an issue- however it was a big issue for us both- we just had to quietly make the best of it.

CrumpettyTree · 14/06/2012 14:14

I'd far rather have the hassle of getting my dds to make a fathers day card myself, than potentially make a child in the class feel sad or different when the other children made cards.

gobbledegook1 · 14/06/2012 15:34

If they do one they should do the other, there is just as much chance of a child not having a mother as not having a father.

My DP's children do not have a mother (she died of cancer) and their classes still make Mothers day cards so I would be annoyed if they didn't do Fathers Day cards on the chance some don't have Father's as that would be unfair. They also have to ask the resident parent permission for them to make them for someone who is not a parent, when my DSD asked to make one for me they rang DP to get his permission for her to do it. My DS's nursery make Father's day cards and I have had to give consent for him to make my DP a card as he isn't his biological father.

misslinnet · 14/06/2012 15:49

It's unreasonable for a school to do mothers day cards but not father's day cards. It should be both or neither.

Lizcat · 14/06/2012 16:41

I'm another one with mothering Sunday originally you returned to your moths church them became the day that female servants got to spend a whole day at home and they took a simmnel cake that their employers had provided the ingredients - an important part of our social history.
Father's day - a Hallmark festival.

casawasa · 14/06/2012 16:49

My ds's school don't do fathers day as they feel it could be upsetting for the children who don't see their fathers or whose fathers are deceased. My ds's dad is dead but i went into school to say please don't stop everyone else doing a fathers day card because of this. He would have been quite happy to make one for another male relative.

I suppose its not fair to expect teachers to deal with possible upsets related to family issues. I think that if there was a child who had lost a mother they wouldn't make mothers day cards in my sons class.

Jux · 14/06/2012 17:16

Mothering Sunday was originally a diocesan thing. There was a main Church and then little churches for the smaller, outlying areas around. On Mothering Sunday, everyone went to the main Church. It was a kind of consolidation of faith for everyone, returning to Mother Church, and nothing to do with mums.

I think it got bastardised by people who misunderstood the Mother Church bit, and then of course the commercial opportunities couldn't possibly be ignored could they? So we get Mother's Day. And then Father's Day. In fact, both days are really an excuse by Hallmark, Moonpig etc to make a bit more money, but hey, parents appreciate an opportunity to have breakfast in b'ed and have their parenthood celebrated a bit, and why not?

It should be equal though. If you're having one then you should really have the other.

piprabbit · 14/06/2012 17:18

Oh FFS. At DDs school they make cards, the PTA makes small gifts with the children (at a small cost so optional) and for the last two days dads have been invited in to school to have lunch with their children. They do exactly the same for the mums on Mothers Day.
The school handles it all very sensitively and there is always the option for children to include another 'significant' adult if they prefer.

EdithWeston · 14/06/2012 17:24

"there is just as much chance of a child not having a mother as not having a father"

Sadly, I don't think this is the case, given the appalling record in UK of fathers losing contact with their children following relationship breakdowns. And not all children thus affected acquire stepfathers.

OP: what did the child of the two fathers do for Mothering Sunday?

more · 14/06/2012 17:29

I can't rely on the school to make sure that me or my husband get cards on any occassion, be it mother's day, x-mas, easter or father's day. It is not the school's responsibility. I choose to sit my kids' down and ask them if they want to make a card for father's day. It is up to my husband to ask the kids if they want to make a card for mother's day.

somewherewest · 14/06/2012 17:35

I didn't have any father around for the first six years of my life. I still remember a horrible moment in primary school when the teacher went around the class asking us some question or other about our fathers and I had nothing to say . To be fair she didn't mean to be insensitive - my situation was just so unusual in Ireland in the early 80s. On the other hand it seems a shame not to do Father's Day at all. Maybe children who don't have fathers around could make a card for a special man in their life, like an uncle or a grandad? I'm sure very few children wouldn't have someone.

somewherewest · 14/06/2012 17:37

Sorry. I missed two pages of this thread and some posts about how it still upsetting to do cards for other male relatives. Fair point!

veritythebrave · 14/06/2012 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosebud05 · 14/06/2012 17:40

I think it's easy to say 'FFS it's obvious what to do in these situations' when it hasn't been you or your children on the receiving end of - albeit unintentional - upset.

Birdsgottafly · 14/06/2012 17:45

My children don't have any male relatives at all, so there would be absolutely no-one to make a card for, as long as the school informed me and gave me permission to keep them off, i would be fine with that.

It is more unusual for a child to have no female relatives.

It has been pointed out that Mothering Sunday, is a religious/bank holiday that exsisted long before the working class ever went to school, or even females for that matter, Fathers day isn't it was created and didn't really 'take off' until the 1970's, but is still a made up holiday.

If it is going to cause problems then perhaps the schools should stop getting involved in both and families can take care of it themselves.

wfrances · 14/06/2012 17:55

no fathers day stuff here either,my eldest ds is 17 and never has done anything,so its not a new thing .

olgaga · 14/06/2012 17:59

I think if people want to make cards they should make them at home.

I certainly wouldn't advise you to sneakily do it against instructions.

phantomnamechanger · 14/06/2012 18:15

not everyone can or would make them at home though olgaga

think of mums with bitter feelings towards exH - they are not going to spend a happy afternoon with DC making a card for him!
Think of child who lives with just dad, for whatever reason - they are not going to TELL the child to make them a card!

I think shcools should do both, and are tactful & experienced enough to know how to cope with the children who don't have either or both parents on scene - much worse IMO for other kids to be saying "we can't make fathers day cards this year cos your daddys dead now" (paraphrased version of our school a couple of yrs back)

veritythebrave · 14/06/2012 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

exoticfruits · 14/06/2012 19:16

While I appreciate that DCs make cards for mothers and fathers and it is something that they just have to manage,I don't like the idea put forward by piprabbit that fathers come into lunch. It is very hard for a 5 yr old whose father is dead- and asking another significant adult is something they then have to pretend is perfectly OK. Much better to have a general day when any relation or friend can come to lunch-of either sex and not on an emotive day. (same applies on mother's day)

olgaga · 15/06/2012 08:55

If it is going to cause problems then perhaps the schools should stop getting involved in both and families can take care of it themselves.

Absolutely spot on. As if there isn't enough to do at school as it is! Why schools insist on spending time on extraneous and potentially divisive stuff like this is beyond me.

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