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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AiBU unreasonable to not want to take responsibility for DS's girlfriend

67 replies

BlueBirdsNest · 13/06/2012 15:55

I posted quite a bit about the situation with my my DS1 and his girlfriend living here

They left after a difficult few days, and my DS1 has been staying at her mothers.

Now the girlfriends mother has been told her landlord she needs to move out

My DS1 can come back here , but his girlfriend is going to be on the streets unless I take her in because her mum is going to move in with a man until she sorts out her home and won't take her daughter with her

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueBirdsNest · 13/06/2012 16:56

EldritchCeleage at the centre of the drama .

No one in real life knows that I feel like taking the girlfriend in . There is no drama , just my thoughts that have only shared here on this forum not in real life

It will of course play out as it plays out , but that doesn't stop me as a person worrying about her

OP posts:

CaliforniaLeaving · 13/06/2012 16:58

I wouldn't take her in either. Let her own Mom be responsible she's not your kid.

EldritchCleavage · 13/06/2012 16:59

OK, well apologies if I sounded too harsh. I can understand you worrying about her at that age, even if she's not very nice. But because I've read your previous threads my immediate reaction was that acting on that worry, e.g. by taking her in, is a really terrible idea.

Presumably you and your son have ground rules about whether and when she can come round?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/06/2012 17:10

"My DS1 can come back here , but his girlfriend is going to be on the streets unless I take her in because her mum is going to move in with a man until she sorts out her home and won't take her daughter with her"

She will not be on the streets. Your son's girlfriend is not your responsibility, she is the responsibility of her mother and herself. At 18 she is an adult and if her mother is not going to offer her housing then she should provide for herself - go to the council, look to renting for herself etc., house-sharing with friends. You have done more than enough for her, she needs to step up to the mark now and so should her mother.

MadamTwoSwords · 13/06/2012 17:12

Yawn.
Sorry OP but I really think you enjoy all the drama and I am just sorry for all the people who have made time over your many many posts, to give you advice and support.

Original poster

BlueBirdsNest · 13/06/2012 17:20

MadamTwoSwords .....i find your post insulting

I have and I will continue too say I have got some really good advice here .

Perhaps it's you that likes the drama coming into a thread to stir up trouble

OP posts:

ObiWan · 13/06/2012 17:25

Didn't your son hit you?

That alone shows a total lack of respect for you.

He may well have apologised, but if he was any sort of man, he'd be going out of his way to stand on his own two feet, and try to make things good.

Plenty of young people live with their parents while going through Uni, but they don't routinely offer abuse in return. Nor do they expect to move people in without paying their way.

Your sons lack of respect for you is screaming out at everyone else, and we only have your version of events to go by. Let him find his own way, it will be the making of him.

Why do you feel that you have to let him live with you? At the very worst, he can get a place in a house share or something.

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2012 17:29

I think the best thing you can do for the pair of them is take them down to the council offices and tell them they're homeless and in need of a hostel.

ChasedByBees · 13/06/2012 17:30

No no no no no! Don't have them back!

I wonder if her mum is not going to take her in because she thinks you'll take pity and have her back at yours? I think she is taking you for a mug. I don't think you should have had your abusive son back either, what is he learning about how to behave in relationships? everyone seems to have a massive lack of respect for you.

ratspeaker · 13/06/2012 17:43

I remember your previous threads>
Personally i wouldn't have either of them back>
If your son is willing to pay rent, help about the house and respect you maybe, just maybe let him back but as a pair they were taking the urine big time.

Now look at it from outside as many many posters here are doing.
The girls mum doesn't feel the need to house her daughter so why should you?
What about her dad?
The girl does not have to be on the streets, SHE can take steps to look into other places to live

There are options these adults ( your son and gf ) can take.

They could get down to council housing dept and say they will be homeless, they or she may be offered hostel accommodation.

They could work for, or borrow money for a deposit and rent privately either alone or together ( its up to them to investigate housing benefits etc)

She could beg her mum to make room for her at the new place, if her mum wont THAT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILTY

She could sofa surf

She could look for a flat share

She could look for a job with room thrown in ( a long shot but its an option )

fedupofnamechanging · 13/06/2012 17:58

OP, you keep asking and we keep telling. At some point are you going to start listening?

I think you are a nice person, but you are honestly not doing the right thing by your ds or his girlfriend by letting them walk all over you. They'll never learn to be any different, if you keep bailing them out.

Once again you are not responsible for her potential homelessness - her mother is. Note her mother. She's not your kid.

OTTMummA · 13/06/2012 18:11

Ishoes · 13/06/2012 18:20

creamola-you must have known the response you would get though or why the name change?

financialwizard · 13/06/2012 18:24

Bless you. I remember your previous thread, and I do understand why you want to help this woman. However, you just can't let her back into your house. Do not allow them to walk all over you like this again, please.

Sallyingforth · 13/06/2012 18:41

OP, you do understand don't you that you cannot let your son in on his own. Whatever he says now, he will let the girl in as soon as your back is turned.

I've read the other thread and they were emotionally, financially and physically abusive. That will happen again if you let him in.

They are adults and they must look after themselves.

Paiviaso · 13/06/2012 19:14

OP you just can't get enough of the drama can you?

You've kicked them out. They need to sort themselves out now.

BE STRONG.

hattifattner · 13/06/2012 20:43

OP, I think you need to take a mental step backwards and look at the situation from a different perspective.

When your son was at home with the GF, was that what you wanted for him? As I recall he wouldnt go to college because she didnt want him to, he wouldnt get a job and neither would she, you were being pushed around and generally made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Is this how you want your son to live his life - not working, being poorly influenced by the GF, not studying, abusing you physically and thinking its OK.....

If it were my son, this is not the life I would want for him. Allowing him (and of course her) back into you home will mean more of the same with your son never actually achieving what you had hoped for him.

Now imagine a different scenario. They have to cope by themselves. SUddenly there is no automatic food delivery, they have to live in a cruddy bedsit or a B&B, where its great for the first week but then they start to think....how will we pay for XYZ? The laundry doesnt get done, theres no money for beer, - sooner or later they get a job. He goes to college, they start to be fully fledged adults who live responsibly.

Its called tough love, and I think you have to do it - not for yourself, but for your son, who will end up a loser if he is allowed to come back into the lap of luxury with no responsibilities and a sponger girlfriend in tow.

Is this the life you want for him?

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