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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To baptise one child and not the other!!

46 replies

Crazyfatmamma · 13/06/2012 15:08

I have a 4 year old DS and a 1 year old DD. My DS was baptised into the catholic faith at 1, I am not religious and have never been christened but my husband was put under a bit of pressure from his elderly religious parents who desperately wanted their only grandchild (at the time) to be baptised.

My husband himself has been baptised and confirmed but never attends church. However we did recently get married in a catholic church.

We ended up going along with my inlaws wishes and had a joint baptism/ 1st Birthday party for my son and a lot of friends and family attended.

I was also at a low ebb at the time so went along with it all even though I wasnt sure at the time that it was the best thing to do.

Fast forward almost 4 years and my ds has managed to get in to the best school in the area which just happens to be a catholic school,the fact that he is catholic obviously went in his favour but I would have applied anyway as a number of his friends who arent baptised have got in also.

However I am now reluctant to have my dd baptised and for some reason my inlaws are not overly bothered this time around and even if they were I would be much stronger this time as I am in a much stronger place emotionally.

Would it be fair to get one child baptised and not the other?? Do people think it may lead to resentment on either my dd or ds's part.

I am really unsure on whether to just go ahead with it so they they are treated the same.

OP posts:

PandaWatch · 13/06/2012 15:13

Why did you get married in a Catholic Church if you're not religious?

Kayano · 13/06/2012 15:14

taking religion out of it....

i would treat them the same

CrunchyFrog · 13/06/2012 15:15

2 of mine were christened, the youngest had a naming ceremony.

With DD, I was still wavering.

With DS1, I was definitely atheist, but not "out" (atheism is a bigger deal in NI than it is in England!)

With DS2, I was out and proud atheist, and wanted to stand up for my (lack of) belief.

They all had a big party, all have mementos, that sort of thing, so I don't think it will affect them in later life. Unless they decide to get religion and get married in church, in which case he can get baptised then.

Kayano · 13/06/2012 15:19

also your son will have first holy communion at catholic school with all his friends

dd will not be allowed and have to sit on the sidelines

those catholics are great at exclusion lol

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/06/2012 15:19

Well usually I would say treat them the same.........but............

sounds like your were sort ot co-erced into baptising your first DC and now you dont have the pressure.

So dont.

And if you need to explain when they are older your reasoning is very valid and I am sure they will understand.

jazzers · 13/06/2012 15:20

I have a friend who is the only one of 4 daughters not to have been baptised and it is a big big BIG issue with her. Not so much the faith thing (she is atheist) but the being treated differently. Wondering why they "bothered" with tohers but not her etc etc etc.

But that is one person. Another might not have been bothered. Maybe being one of 4 made it worse.

PandaWatch · 13/06/2012 15:20

Kayano seriously?! You think that a non-baptised child should have communion just to be included?

Kayano · 13/06/2012 15:21

my mum is bitter over not having a middle name when her sister does let alone being the only one babtised! lol

Kayano · 13/06/2012 15:23

no i don't... i was joking

its things to think about

a 6 year old might be upset by that etc....

PandaWatch · 13/06/2012 15:24

at Kayano

clemetteattlee · 13/06/2012 15:28

I have two, one is Christened but she was Christened when she was 6 and asked to be. Her dad has faith, her grandmother is very religious and she goes to lots of Church things with friends. Because she could make her own promises the vicar was happy to accept that I was agnostic and I didn't have to do anything in the ceremony. We asked our 4 year old if he wanted to be Christened and he replied with a flat "no". So you could wait and let your daughter decide?

HereIGo · 13/06/2012 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marialuisa · 13/06/2012 15:36

Would a non-baptised sibling definitely get a place? I know of problems at our parish school when the demographic changed, i.e. had previously taken a proportion of non-catholics but within a couple of years there was an increase in the RC population in the town and non-baptised sibs didn't get in as they were lower priority.

2shoes · 13/06/2012 15:39

yabu
of course it is unfair and tbh odd

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 13/06/2012 15:49

I'm not religious but have to say I agree with HereIgo.

Ultimately, does it matter if your dd is baptised? It doesn't damn her to eternity as a Catholic.

Original poster

Crazyfatmamma · 13/06/2012 16:25

Just to clear things up a bit- I didnt get my son baptised because of the school as the school has only recently been built and I would have applied to the school anyway as its at the end of my road, very convienant and all his friends are going there.

I certainly didnt chose to get married in a church for the nice pics I was quite happy to elope to Gretna Green but as my husbands parents are elderly he wanted to please them so rightly or wrongly chose to have a catholic wedding.

I dont use religion for my own ends at all I have just gone with my husbands wishes as it mattered more to him to get married in church that in did for me if you see what I mean.

My only issue is fairness and It may come across to my daughter that my son was more important than her so I think I will go ahead with it to be honest if I hadnt been suffering with PND wiht my son he wouldnt have been christened and I sometimes regret the fact that he was.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 13/06/2012 16:46

In fairness, you are using the Church for your own ends (even if you did not set out to) or otherwise you'd not have been prepared to have a Catholic wedding or take advantage of your ds having been baptised to gain his priority admittance to a Catholic school.

If you genuinely regret having had your ds baptised, will you think similarly if you have your dd baptised? Do you feel, in all conscience, that you should stand up in church and make promises that your lack of faith make rather meaningless? Only these are all good reasons to follow your initial instinct and avoid baptism.

I don't really think fairness, as such, comes into it. Unless you can be certain that your dd will miss out on things as a result of not being baptised and only you can know this for certain.

Christelle2207 · 13/06/2012 16:56

I wanted to get married in a church but couldn't because dh is atheist, vicar knew and neither were happy just to "go along with it". My parents were desperately unhappy that I couldnt have religious wedding. It makes me unhappy that others go through with religious weddings whilst I , while religious, couldn't have one.
Sorry slightly off topic I know. If you're in any doubt if it's the right thing I would wait till dc is old enough and let her decide.

DumSpiroSpero · 13/06/2012 16:59

TBH, I would not feel comfortable having one child christened and one not, but I am a Christian (not practising for the last few months as our church went a bit wacko and we've yet to find a new one).

Even if I wasn't though, I don't think I'd be happy to treat them differently. As an adult I know that if I was the unchristened child I would be wondering why and even if it was explained to me I would still be a bit .

MrsTrellisOfSouthWales · 13/06/2012 17:18

I doubt you'd get your DD into school - here only baptised siblings who attend mass in the three month period they take a register for regularly are counted. Non baptised siblings would not be considered.

Treat them the same.

JumpingThroughHoops · 13/06/2012 17:49

My brother and I are baptised in different religions

He was baptised RC as a baby (not confirmed) I was baptised CofE as an adult (nice church for the photos) and defected back to the true faith immediatly after

sashh · 14/06/2012 02:30

You got married in an RC church, would you want your daughter to be able to do th same?

As another poster pointed out your DD, if not baptised, will not be able to take first communion, and PandaWatch it is not about letting unbaptised children have communion, in an RC school a lot of time is spent preparing kids so it more like excluding someone from several weeks of prep.

StanleyLambchop · 14/06/2012 08:22

In our RC school they recently had to turn down applications from non-RC siblings because of the demand for places from baptised RC children. What would you do if your DD didnot get into the same school as your DS? Not that I think that you should be using faith to get a school place, but as you have already kind of done that with your DS you may as well do it again with your DD.
Incidentally, the parents in question at our school were down the church quick smart to get the kids baptised once they realised they would have a better chance of a school place.

Original poster

Crazyfatmamma · 15/06/2012 13:21

I didnt use faith to get my child into a school that was never my intention then and isnt now.

My husband has been brought up in the catholic faith and his parents are at times overbearing, at the time of my sons christening I was at a low ebb and was pressured into it almost!! I never thought for one minute of the benefits to him 4 years down the line!! In fact I still wish I hadnt gotten him christened as I am agnostic at best myself.
All his non catholic friends are going to the school which is a stones throw from my house so there was a good chance he would get in anyway and if he didnt then there are other good schools in the area. I am sorry that a earlier poster couldnt get married in a church because of her husbands lack of faith but I was honest to the priest from the start he knew I wasnt religious.

The issue is whether to get my daughter christened so she doesnt feel diffeernt in the future its not a case of ofh well her brother has got her into a good school now so why should I bother besides which we are looking to move away from the area in a few years so its unlikely she will get to go to the school anyway.

OP posts:

MynameisnotEarl · 15/06/2012 14:09

My older sister (I have no idea why - parents not religious at all) was christened and I wasn't.

I always felt it was unfair that

a) she had a godmother
b) she was given christening gifts
c) her name was on the 'cradle roll' on the wall of the church.

I truly felt unloved as a child because of this. It isn't fair to do this to a child.

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