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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To baptise one child and not the other!!

46 replies

Crazyfatmamma · 13/06/2012 15:08

I have a 4 year old DS and a 1 year old DD. My DS was baptised into the catholic faith at 1, I am not religious and have never been christened but my husband was put under a bit of pressure from his elderly religious parents who desperately wanted their only grandchild (at the time) to be baptised.

My husband himself has been baptised and confirmed but never attends church. However we did recently get married in a catholic church.

We ended up going along with my inlaws wishes and had a joint baptism/ 1st Birthday party for my son and a lot of friends and family attended.

I was also at a low ebb at the time so went along with it all even though I wasnt sure at the time that it was the best thing to do.

Fast forward almost 4 years and my ds has managed to get in to the best school in the area which just happens to be a catholic school,the fact that he is catholic obviously went in his favour but I would have applied anyway as a number of his friends who arent baptised have got in also.

However I am now reluctant to have my dd baptised and for some reason my inlaws are not overly bothered this time around and even if they were I would be much stronger this time as I am in a much stronger place emotionally.

Would it be fair to get one child baptised and not the other?? Do people think it may lead to resentment on either my dd or ds's part.

I am really unsure on whether to just go ahead with it so they they are treated the same.

OP posts:

giveitago · 15/06/2012 14:12

pandawatch - we get married into the catholic faith because our partners are not from the same liberal or multicultural views as us?We think it won't matter etc. That's why.

ChippyMinton · 15/06/2012 14:16

This decision shouldn't be about your feelings, it's about your DD.
You were married in a Catholic church and therefore agreed (by default) to bring up the children of that marriage as catholic.
I agree with others that your DD will be confused as to why she was treated differently.
Also, it is easier for children to give up or ignore that faith later in life, than to try to join it later.

ChippyMinton · 15/06/2012 14:17

School admission is important too, since she will not have the same options as her brother, especially if you move to an area where RC schools are oversubscribed.

GoldenGreen · 15/06/2012 14:25

I am in a similar position. I allowed my ds to be christened in order to please my parents. DP and I figured at the time that since we are atheists and the ceremony meant nothing to us or ds (1year old at the time), then why not let my parents be happy. I felt under pressure to please them for reasons I don't want to go into here.

(plus in my parents' religion the parents of the child do not need to make any promises to God or take part in the ceremony at all - the godparents do it all - so I felt I wasn't being hypocritical).

However I had changed my mind by the time I had dd four years later and I just don't want to do it again.

My parents tried the "treat them the same" argument but frankly ds at 6 has no idea he has been christened, has not stepped foot in a church since, is treated no differently than his sister by anyone, and I can explain my actions to them both when they are older if I need to.

In your case OP I would just look at what will really be different in their lives. I did actually go to a Catholic school for a while and remember being jealous of the children that got to take communion! I agree with the poster who says why not let your daughter decide when she is older?

ivykaty44 · 15/06/2012 14:29

let her make up her own mind if she wants to be baptised

giveitago · 15/06/2012 15:04

"This decision shouldn't be about your feelings, it's about your DD.
You were married in a Catholic church and therefore agreed (by default) to bring up the children of that marriage as catholic."
Sorry?

I was married in the catholic church as my dp's parents couldn't understand anything else. I also laughingly agreed that it was I (ie the non catholic) who would bring up any dcs in the catholic faith.

Surely I'm not expected to adhere to that when my dh and his family who are of that culture are unable to teach my dcs anything about this faith.

Laughable.

ChippyMinton · 15/06/2012 15:43

What is laughable? It's a fact.

And is this thread about you?

ChippyMinton · 15/06/2012 15:58

Should clarify, it's the catholic partner that's obliged to do their best to ensure the children are brought up in the faith, not the non-catholic one. So you are off the hook.

Nevertooearlyforcake · 15/06/2012 16:01

Is the catholic school not taxpayer funded? If so, it's the admittance policies of the school at fault, not the OP - don't take cash from the entire population if then discriminating in terms of who can attend the school.

MarySA · 15/06/2012 16:08

Better to bring them up the same I think. We're Catholics but hardly ever go to Church.

maybenow · 15/06/2012 16:22

If you got married in a catholic church then you promised to allow your husband to bring any children you have up as catholics. So i'm afraid it's not up to you - totally up to your DH - his decision to make. That's the deal for non catholics getting married to catholics in catholic churches.

[p.s. i would say that sending your DS to a catholic primary schools is a FAR bigger deal than getting him baptised. children are totally unaware at their own baptism but now you've basically agreed to him being 'taught' 'his religion']

lechatnoir · 15/06/2012 16:24

My sister was christened as a baby but due to various things going on soon after I was born (house move, illness etc) my parents never got around to me. They/we weren't overly religious so it never came up in subject until i was older and then it was only ever the odd spoilt brat moan as my sister had a few nice trinkets that I didn't! We were otherwise always treated very fairly so I honestly didn't ever feel unloved or that she was favoured just that circumstances were different and at least I could make my own decision.

BertieBotts · 15/06/2012 16:26

I'm christened but my sister isn't.

Neither of us are remotely bothered as adults.

giveitago · 15/06/2012 17:14

Chippy - yeah your 100% right - it's not about me. It's also not about the catholic faith but it's about my ds's soul my dear.

Yes, I did get married in the catholic church - JUST TO PLEASE MY DH'S FAMILY - please get that - it meant nothing to me that that his entire famility took communion at it and I was 'not allowed'. Get this - it didn't bother me in the slightest even though the entire family ' was sorry' that I couldn't take it.

Do you know why? Because I'm not a catholic - I'm middle aged from a traditionally multiracial and multi faith british tradition and so was brought up with no conflict.

SIMPLES.

I did get married in my dp's faith as to get married in my faith was awful to my dp and his family but, in my tradition,l we could get married in his. So who's doing the favour to whom love?

Can I also say that in my favour to my dh's tradition, I had to go through a whole heap of stuff in his church - it was so bad that even my hardened catholic husband to be was horrified.

But I did it and it was make very clear to me that I, as a non catholic, was the future parent expected to bring up any child of ours as as catholic That's what's hilarious.

What's also hilarious is that part of this so called marriage course I was expected to hear that men always rape women and that women have sex with animals'and we had a lady come to talk to us that she had her marriaged cancelled by this tradition because her husband took 'hookers' to their home. And this was in the big church in London.

I can also say that my dh's cousin is a priest and his own brother (my dh's dear cousin) had his marriage cancelled even though he and his wife had been together many years with one 8 year old child - just so his brother could have a second catholic wedding to his british catholic wife.

So, yes, I do think it's hilarious.

So, given this I'm confident in saying that, if push comes to shove, I'd have my child baptised (without the tacky after party stuff) if it got him into a catholic school. Of course, I'd ensure that he would have access to all his other cultures and I'd defy any person say I was doing wrong under the circumstances.

Of course, I'd hope it would never come to that.

DoingTheBestICan · 15/06/2012 20:51

Annulled not cancelled.

giveitago · 15/06/2012 21:15

Oh that's what it's called is it? Shows how much I really care about it.

EdgarAllenPimms · 15/06/2012 21:26

if it doesn't matter - well it doesn't matter does it?

she isn't going to remember if she's 1 when you do/don't do it.
she has the choice of baptism in later life if that's what she wants.

if it will be relevant for school entrance, then maybe its worth doing, if not why not leave it up to her?

AnastasiaSteele · 15/06/2012 21:34

my aunt had her son christened, partly for family celebration, it being the done thing. Her subsequent kids are not - something really stressful happened in the family which meant it got put on the back burner as things were too stressful, and the family had fallen out big time. Then the kids got older and it became less of a priority. It crops up very occasionally, but not enough for her now 16 and 17 year olds to want to be Christened.

I am Godmother to the son, but I think of all the children in exactly the same way.

nonapandknackered · 15/06/2012 21:40

I think it's a bit unfair that posters are saying that the OP has used the Catholic church for her own ends. I know staunch athiests who have started going to church / reading lessons and baptised their children just to get their kids into school. This is not the case at all for the OP.

OP I am atheist (though was christened CofE) and DH is Catholic. He no longer goes to mass but his faith is still important to him. We got married in a church because he couldn't have accepted doing it elsewhere. His faith is more important to him than my atheism, so I was ok with that (and to the poster who talked about the cute chapel, the family church is very plain, we could have picked a much prettier venue if it had all be about appearances.

We have two DC's. One has been baptised and the other will be shortly. Again, this is because it is very important to DH. I would prefer to have not had them baptised at all, and for them to choose when they are older. But we have discussed it and I have made it clear that as questions get asked, I will tell the DC's my beliefs and give them the chance to reason (hope that makes sense!).

Although I stood at the alter when DS1 was christened, and will again with DS2, I do not join in at all, I do not say anything, or make any promises. I was / have been very open with the priest about my lack of beliefs, and he has no problem with this. I could choose to not stand at the alter, but I don't think this is necessary. It would be making the promises that I feel would be wrong.

So, lots of waffling, sorry OP! Personally, and as an atheist, I think that yes you should get your DD baptised just so that they are both equal. If she is going to go to Catholic school anyway, then they still have the same religious teaching. It may be that you all decide that they won't take first communion etc. But at least they will both have the opportunity to do those things if they want to.

EdgarAllenPimms · 15/06/2012 21:57

this also happened to DH too, his brother was christened, the 'done' thing, no-one cared about it when he got born...family obligation fulfilled...

Pinner35 · 15/06/2012 21:59

I would get her baptised.....I am a great believer in treating children equally.

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