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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not apologise

28 replies

AppleCatchers · 13/06/2012 08:02

Dh was on a promise last night by the time he got to bed I was asleep He said to me this morning have u something to say I said no so now hes gone off to work with a right head on him why should i apoligise its hard work looking after our children and keeping house clean once my head hits pillow im usually gone although i did try to stay awake last night so wibu?

OP posts:

TandB · 13/06/2012 08:03

Is your relationship usually like that, OP? You promise him sex and he sulks if he doesn't "get" it? And expecting you to apologise?

He sounds charming.

ColouringIn · 13/06/2012 08:05

Nope! I am the same and was the same when married. My exH could not understand why I was so tired all the time and that he could not always get his jollies!

Something to do with a very active toddler, housework and a part time job all on top of picking up after HIM all the time.

YANBU

He owes YOU an apology for being an arse about it.

Tee2072 · 13/06/2012 08:05

Well, if you promised him then, yes, you should apologize.

That's what people do when they don't keep their promises.

gymboywalton · 13/06/2012 08:06

if he was that keen then he should have gone to bed at the same time as you

Original poster

AppleCatchers · 13/06/2012 08:06

Well if he thinks hes in there and doesnt happen yes not like hes sex starved he usually gets it twice a week mostly weekends usually in the morning half the time im not even in the mood just go along with it to keep the peace!

OP posts:

diddl · 13/06/2012 08:06

"On a promise"??!!

If my husband wants sex, he knows at least to follow me straight up to bed so there´s no chance of me being asleep.

And no, he wouldn´t expect to to apologising for being tired/not wanting sex.

ColouringIn · 13/06/2012 08:08

Depends if it is a promise made under duress though. I used to do that and ended up resenting him. Then again he was a lazy fecker.

Longdistance · 13/06/2012 08:08

Don't apologise to stroppy pants. He should have gotten home earlier, rather than let you hang waiting then drop off.
My dh wouldn't have a strop over this, as I surprise him , and never promise him it

TandB · 13/06/2012 08:11

It's not your job to "give" him sex when you don't feel like it. His balls won't explode if he has to wait until you are both in the mood for what is supposed to be a fun, loving and intimate experience for both of you.

billybeau · 13/06/2012 08:25

"On a promise" Surely sex just,well, happens? It does for us anyway. We don't promise each other sex, it just happens.

Oogaballoo · 13/06/2012 08:28

Seems a bit icky for him to expect an apology from you for falling asleep and not having sex with him, promise or no promise.

pinkdelight · 13/06/2012 08:31

He sounds very seductive! Can't believe you're not apologising and delivering the goods to cheer him up.

CasperGutman · 13/06/2012 08:42

YANBU to not apologise. He sounds completely unromantic and he needs to (re-)learn how to seduce you.

YABU to have promised him sex in the first place, though! I don't think that's a healthy way for a relationship to operate. What if you change your mind and aren't in the mood when the time comes? Will you just lie there and think of England, while he goes through the motions on top of you?

I'm a man. If I fancy having sex with my wife, and she's in the mood too, things happen incrementally, together, by mutual consent. We don't draw up a contract in advance!

CurrySpice · 13/06/2012 08:47

Caspar I strongly disagree about it bring U to promise sex. DP and I often do this and give it a bit of a build up over the course of the day. We enjoy it. Doesn't seem an U thing to do in a loving relationship.

However I agree that if one of is did go off the idea although i can't imagine it then it wouldn't be a problem. No apology required.

accountantsrule · 13/06/2012 08:55

You sound like you are married to my XH (only joking, he would have actually woken me up and had a go at me about it then expected me to be in the mood still)

No apology required, he was being an arse. I don't really understand why you would be on a 'promise' this sounds a bit odd but I get what CurrySpice is saying but thats a bit different as its building it up rather than being on a promise which sounds a bit controlling.

bluebell8782 · 13/06/2012 09:04

I agree Curry - being 'on a promise' is supposed to be something fun and a bit of a build up to the event! Sex doesn't always have to be spontaneous - sometimes you can have a laugh and a giggle about what you want to do to each other later in the eve - it's exciting to think about what's to err 'come'

I can understand him being a bit dissapointed but I think he's wrong to get the arse-ache about it. It's nice to make a bit of an effort for each other so maybe he took it a bit personally and just didn't think how knackered you probably are! Tell him he's a stroppy bollox and have some good old-fashioned make-up sex

maybenow · 13/06/2012 09:07

kind of depends - if i'd contacted my dh while he was out working or something and saying that we'd have sex when he got back and winding him up then i WOULD apologise if i was asleep when he got home.

BUT.. if he just didn't come up to be bed quicky enough through his own choice, and it was his idea in the first place not mine, then that's his tough luck - i wouldn't apologise.

bluebell8782 · 13/06/2012 09:13

That's exactly it maybenow - well put!

Paiviaso · 13/06/2012 09:17

I'm sitting here wondering if sex does get that awful once you have kids - OP your situation sounds so incredibly...robotic.

Thankfully responses have made me go "phew!" it is still possible to enjoy seduction and sex after children :)

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 13/06/2012 09:46

God.....on a promise is an awful phrase. You can't say sorry for not "delivering"...shit happens! He never got his shag...tough.

CasperGutman · 13/06/2012 11:18

Curry, that's a good point. Anticipation can be great when both partners are looking forward to being together.

Something about the OP sounded a bit asymmetric though, like sex was something he wanted and she'd agreed to tolerate, like she owed him sex and should apologise for failing to deliver. Probably I read between the lines too much!

doggiemumma · 13/06/2012 11:24

WTAF??? "have you got something to say" oh yes, i would have plenty to say to that, the last bit would have ended with OFF!! What a twat

Thehouseonthecorner - i quite like the phrase on a promise, its nice to anticipate, we are on a promise quite a lot in this house, but one of us usually falls asleep - we do not seek an aplogy. The OPs DH is a wanker

CurrySpice · 13/06/2012 11:25

Yes Caspar I agree, that's the impression I got too :( like it was an obligation she was expected to fulfil not something they were both looking forward to. Not like I described with my DP where we both enjoy building up the anticipation

ChaoticismyLife · 13/06/2012 11:28

If your DP wanted sex then he should have gone to bed at the same time as you. As for expecting you to apologise for being so tired that you fell asleep then he's a wanker.

YANBU

Pandemoniaa · 13/06/2012 11:32

Still tittering at went to work with a head on.

But I think that actually, you are both being U. You shouldn't have promised something that wasn't going to be delivered and he shouldn't feel so sodding entitled. As for faux enigmatic remarks like "have you got something to say", in our house you'd most probably have got the response "yes, don't forget to shut the door behind you".

However, you shouldn't be having sex in order to keep the peace. Apart from all sorts of reasons why this is wrong, it doesn't seem to be working as a conflict resolution tactic does it?

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