to have mentioned something that upset me...

[anotherpicnicbasket]

.... Firstly, so the picture is clear, My MIL has been great, over the past few months I've been quite unwell and she's taken my young DC several times (overnight stays) to let me rest. I've just had a baby (days old) and recovering from op. ILs arrived earlier, DH had already asked them not to mention bottles (as they always do) and to leave me to bf when necessary etc.. FIL came out with something that really, really upset me, my reaction was OTT - I admit that (I took deep offense, left the room and bit DH's head off when he asked much later why I was still upstairs). DH mentioned it to MIL who mentioned it to FIL who walked out the door and will not return. This leaves MIL in tears, DH furious, lots of shouting and arguing, me in tears, MIL shouting at me while I sit there trying to bf. I shouldn't have said anything, I feel so stupid now, I've cocked everything up. MIL doesn't really want to be here but feels bound as the DC need her, I'm barely up and running. I don't want anyone here at all now.
I feel emotionally wrecked!
I told everyone to f* off including DH. Got a lot of 'look at all we do for you' to which i replied 'i know and i appreciate it' I honestly do, but it all came out and everyone is really upset during what should have been a lovely evening.
We are having a party for LO tomorrow, mainly to give siblings presents as i've been so sick for months and they've been wonderful kids.
Sorry if I've rambled on too much.
Bf not easy when you keep bursting into bloody tears.

It's my fault, and I should apologise right?

What did FIL say and how exactly did you react?

'If you'd just kept your mouth shut' is what they said. I do have a habit of not doing so. And I also tried to defend myself by saying you do loads for us but they're your grandkids too... I feel sooooo bad now.

You should sleep -where possible-

And then you should all apologise to each other.

It's a horrible, tired, hormonal time and you are allowed to be more sensitive just now.

It's hard to say without knowing what your FIL said to you.

Sorry - not prying, but can you give us the gist of what it was all about? It may be that you have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

I think it depends on what he said and what you said.

But, if a grown man is throwing a tantrum and refusing to return after upsetting an ill, in pain and vv tired woman when she has just given birth then he is a knob. Surely he should have made allowances for your situation? Your MIL in tears? REally? seems like an over reaction to me.

And how is your DH being about it? How is he being with you?

Probably best you just try to get as best a nights sleep as you can and then if there is any atmosphere in the morning someone will no doubt start start the apologies off. Everything will look better with at least some sleep.

Sorry Opehlias -- He said something that was completely untactful. He told MIL he did not mean it, but we do believe that he did because it comes up in random conversations, lightly thrown in. I didn't react in front of him, in fact, I continued to listen to his comments then went upstairs out of the way to feed DC and reflect. My OTT reaction was to bite DH's head off and cause him to go and tell his mother who in return spoke to FIL who legged it.
The comment wasn't to do with bf. It's something that DH and I don't like discussing and he knows it. But he likes to bring it up from time to time.

Just a thought. Are they "glory helpers"? They help but on their terms, dont bother with being sensitive to others feelings and then throw their toys out of their pram when anyone disagrees?
I ask because I am related to one of these and she made her DD's life a misery when she was ill :(

If you have a baby who is just a few days old is it not quite likely you've got a spot of the baby blues hormonal thing? You may have been a wee bit out of order but they need you to cut you some slack too, it's a very emotional time. If what he said really upset you do you think that was because it was really upsetting (does he have form for this kind of thing? Him storming off seems a bit much tbh) or because you are feeling a bit more vulnerable and sensitive than usual? Or a combination?

Give yourself a break, apologise for your part in it if appropriate and then try not to worry. If they are at all reasonable then they will understand and it will all blow over. Poor old you, it sounds like you've had a tough day.

Enjoy that lovely new baby.

What did FIL say that upset you?

You had every right to mention why you were upset to your DH.

You are not responsible for the repercussions as you did not actually say any thing to MIL or FIL.

Not your fault that FIL left, his choice.

MIL and DH very unreasonable to be shouting at you.

You have just had a baby, had an op (assuming CS?) and are trying to cope with breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, other childrens needs and inlaws in your house plus hormones.

Retreat to bed with baby and chocolate if possible. Try to get as much sleep as possible. Things generally look better in the morning.

Do not apologise for having your feelings.

Sounds like a combination of blame.

FIL for brining up something her knew was off limits.
DH for running to mummy when you bit his head off
MIL for running to hubby
FIL for having a tantrum

lastly, you for biting his head off. No you shouldnt have done that, but, if your DH had kept HIS gob shut and then said afterwards that he didnt appreciate being spoken to like that then you would have apologised and it would be done and dusted. I was very snappy when I had just given birth so you have my sympathy the most in this. Sounds like everyone who HASNT got pain, scars, bleeding, BF etc to deal with are the ones who are over reacting the most!

Bollocks is it your fault.

Your FIL was asked not to mention bottles. He did. Therefore, his fault.

Your DH was told you didn't want any hassles when you were bf'ing. He started rowing. Therefore, his fault.

Your MIL knew that you didn't want bottles mentioned, and when they were, and it upset you, and you responded, SHE chose to start an argument because her H stormed out. Therefore, her fault.

You, asked for bottles not to be mentioned (perfectly reasonable so far), they were, and though you were upset, you went upstairs to avoid any more mentions of it (perfectly reasonable in your own home). When your FIL stormed out because he was 'called' on his behaviour, your MIL chose to cause a row despite knowing you have only recently given birth. You get upset at the raised voices and confrontation in your own home when you most need peace and quiet (STILL perfectly reasonable IMO).

YANBU. Your FIL on the other hand, is an arse, and IBU. Your MIL is sticking up for an arse, and IBU. Your DP / DH is not sticking up for you, and UWnotBU.

You've just had a baby, it's NOT your fault.

Thank you. It's all been a bit stressful.
He pointed out an article in a crappy tabloid on a subject he knows will upset/annoy me and read it out. The man has always lacked tact but any fool could see it was bad timing.

I have apologised to MIL. But I don't feel comfortable having anyone around now. I'm strange like that. Once I'm hurt is very difficult for me to just go back to normal, I keep going over the whole 'look at all we do for you' and I'm like yup, i also send presents and thank you cards and tell everyone how great you are. I must also appreciate that she too is getting on and might have had a shit day and that FIL has pissed her off by walking out. I try.

DH has hardly had any sleep in the last fortnight and is over booked at work. I feel sorry for him. He's getting it from all angles but he did have a go at me in front of his DM which I can't accept but will let go.

I am by no means perfect. I am also highly sensitive, particularly today!

Has anyone apologised to you yet?

And what, exactly, did you apologise to MIL for? Did you have a go at her? Did you tell her that you were angry? Did you have a go a FIL that led him to leave?

No. You didnt.

Bogeyface - I'm the one that cause it all though by mentioning it to DH. I also told everyone to F* off and I'm not one to swear really.

Glory helpers is a new term to me. Sounds like my DM too actually. That's a new one.

You mentioned it to your DH, who you said understood your feelings on this subject. Yes you bit his head off but that was between the 2 of you. That should have been the end of it, or atleast, after you and him talked and sorted it out.

What happened after that was a direct result of him running off to tell his mother what you said/did, who told his Dad, who stormed off, which caused his mother to kick off, which caused him to kick off at you thus causing the row.

If I had been in your shoes, Fuck off would have been the least of it!

Oh and there is no way I would have apologised to anyone for anything, except DH for the initial biting off of his head. I would then be asking for apologies from them for their appalling behaviour.

Glory helpers do what they want to help, make a big deal out of it ("look at all we have done for you"), brag about it to their friends, your friends, anyone with ears basically. But the second, the absolute second you disagree about anything are not deemed to be prostrate in gratitude at their amazing sacrifices, it is all thrown in your face and you are then castigated to the same people as ungrateful etc.

Its not about helping you, its about bigging themselves up.

Godammit, what was the article, what did he do? I need to know
But you're not unreasonable, you just had a baby ffs, don't let them put all their crappy politics on you. Enjoy your lovely baby and get some rest if you can.

what should i do now then?
FIL thankfully did not do anything drastic on way home and is safely in bed MIL asleep upstairs as is DH and DC. Me and LO downstairs, can't sleep although I look like i've been dragged through a hedge after a night out and someone is about to wake for yet another feed. She will be up in the morning with us and of course DH will be off to work, everyone will be in a pissy mood except me because I can't wait for my kids to see their presents and spend quality time with them even if i just want to cry and sleep all day.
What do i do about MIL, is going to be very uncomfortable.

Noqontrol - :) I threw that in there to keep everyone interested! No seriously, nothing exciting, honest, just not the kind of thing that needed to be mentioned, family politics.

Bogey - Finally, there exists a term for my mother now too...'we bend over backwards for you....we do and we do and we do.... and we'll have the DC today so everyone can see that we do take them once in a blue moon and spend time with them

Evil Bogey says you should act surprised when you see her in the morning and say "Oh, are you still here? I am fairly sure I told you to fuck off last night" :o

Good Bogey says, grit your teeth, be polite and friendly grrrrrrrrrrr and revel in your children. Focus on them and everything is easier :)

Thank you, I think I smiled!
Will take myself and LO up to bed. I'm so glad I posted, I feel better.
at evil bogey....focus shall be the key!