to expect more of my DHs family to attend his mum's funeral?

[newbeliever]

I'm really struggling to understand my DHs family at the moment. We returned from our holiday on Saturday to the sad news that my DHs mum had died whilst we were away. My dh is one of four (he is the youngest) - his mum was a 'character' shall we say, and all the dc's have had their fair share of ups and downs with her. His eldest brother has had nothing to do with the organisation of the funeral and has simply said to my dh that he is happy to go along with whatever my dh wants to arrange. His elder sisters are being equally odd in different ways - one has gone on holiday knowing that mum has died and has no plans to return for the funeral (she claims she said 'goodbye' to mum the last time she saw her), the other is making the funeral arrangements really awkward.

My dh and his sister met with the funeral directors yesterday - she doesn't want anyone to attend other than family, so no friends etc, she doesn't want any eulogy, she didn't want to travel with mum to the crematoriam, doesn't want to go for a meal after the funeral and was just generally obtrusive. My dh is so upset. The wider members of the family also do not plan to attend, his mum's sister, her children etc + his sister's grown up boys (the grandchildren) are also not attending. We've just spent the whole morning chosing music and trying to write a eulogy when we realised that at most there will only be 6 of us at the funeral. Not sure what I'm asking for - but just felt the need to off-load as I'm so upset by the lack of support + selfishness from his family. It feels like the whole family is splitting, we've got no support in organising the funeral, no one seems to care.

It's nothing to do with you really. They are perfectly within their rights and obviously all feel quite similarly so maybe they have a point. That said, you are obviously upset about it and that is sad.

That's awful and so sorry for your loss. If there's no persuading them to change their minds at least you and your dh will know you did your best. If she has friends who you know would like to attend your sister can't stop them. If you're putting an announcement in the local paper they can turn up at church can't they?. We've never formally been invited to a funeral tbh.

As it isn't your mother all you can do is support your DH in anyway that you can.

It will be the same at my mothers funeral, i have had an abusive background, but this isn't aknowledged within the family, partly out of their guilt that they all did nothing.

I have kept contact but there will be no sense of loss when she dies, as there wasn't with my father.

I have had to tell my DP to keep out of anything going on within my family, especially my attitude towards my mother, which he doesn't get and has no right to comment on.

They obviously have their reasons to behave like that. There are no rules. They're not wrong to do what they're doing, and neither are you to feel upset.

death can bring out the worse in people

Look you cannt change a thing, nothing nada. all you can do is support your OH

try to not say anything, listen and support him

remember she is dead, so she wont know anyway

you have my smpathies, this happens so much and its horrible

but i strongly advise to NOT get involved, be a support and a shoulder to cry on only

Surely it´s up to them if they attend or not?

Difficult for your husband if the only sibling "helping" doesn´t want the same as him, though.

also, I hate to say but there is usually a fairly valid reason for people to fxxk off and miss their Mums funeral. think about it

maybe alot of maggots under that stone, again- dont get involved xx

Lisaro - I know you're right, it's none of my business - I'm just struggling with how we go forward with a relationship with his siblings when we feel abandoned by them at the moment.

It feels like they don't love us, by the pressure they are putting us under to deal with the organisation of the funeral without any thought for how we are coping. His sister could go on holiday any time - they've gone to their boat in the med - they fly out 3/4 times a year. His mum really wasn't that awful, she was an opinionated woman, but was also good company, told hilarious jokes, terrible with money - if my DH can forgive her behaviour in the past, why can't everyone else?

if my DH can forgive her behaviour in the past, why can't everyone else?

sigh, we had similar shit when my granny died. some people aint that forgving, and its all comes up sadly

Ok - I guess the general theme is to not 'rock the boat' - I guess everyone responds to grief differently - it's just so different to how my family would respond.

I think you should support your DH in the type of funeral that he wants. If he wants a Eulogy, then he can have one - his sister can't stop him from standing up and reading it out can she? If he wants other people there, he can let friends and any other family who want to come know that they are welcome. His sister doesn't get to make all of the decisions and she can make her own way to the crematorium, whilst DH and you accompany his mother, if that's what he wants. She doesn't have to go for a meal either, so what? You still can.

In the end, this is about supporting DH in what he wants. But, you know, every member of that family has the right to deal with the mother's death in their own way, and I don't think you should feel offended. To be honest, they may have very good reasons for feeling how they do. You don't know what type of relationships existed in their family, you don't know whether some felt ill-treated and it just hasn't been discussed over the years. So simply support him and leave the rest to do their own thing.

Porcamiseria - I think also that is why I'm disappointed, as we've been writing the eulogy, we've realised how much good and funny stuff his mum did - it really does make you realise that as infuriating his mum could be, she was lovely too. I think his siblings are focussing too much on the last couple of years when she was suffering from dementia and said lots of horrible things which I believe was the illness talking/depression about getting old etc.

She had friends? Tell them the details of the service. Tell them they're welcome to come back to your home/x venue afterwards for a wake. One sister's views don't over-ride your DH's.

But this isn't about you and your DH. And just see that he us in the minority so maybe he's the one in the wrong. You obviously don't know all the details of how they are feeling or why. Maybe they feel let down by you both. Wanting to build up a woman into something she obviously wasn't just because she's died. Their feelings are just as relevant and valid and, as I said, the majority. the biggest favour you can do your DH us just be there for him and not judge the others about this.

Wineandroses - thanks for your post. I agree with what you said and it's pretty much what I have said to dh - we just 'plough on' and do what he wants to do. So I've put an announcement in the paper today and we've popped a few notices around the village and he is going to escort his mum to the crem. We've also booked the table at the restuarant and if it's just us then so be it.

There are obviously other issues going/gone on. It seems to be a broad thing re fmily members not attending to stuff has obviously gone on to make them feel like that.

Dont get involved, just be there to support your DH and let them sort themselves out.

Just because a parent or whomever dies, it doesnt necessarily mean they will be mourned by everyone, we reap what we sow!

"if my DH can forgive her behaviour in the past, why can't everyone else"

Why should they, she should have made peace whilst she was still alive.

You don't know the ins and outs of what has gone on.

I certainly wil not be or am not prepared to listen to my mother described as good company or the life and soul of the party,which she was, but behind closed doors was very different.

If it is to be a small uncomplicated funeral, it shouldn't be that difficult to organise, also the sister may have gone to avoid saying a few home truths that would have damaged her relationship with you both, for good.

My dads mum was seen as a 'character' by people outsude the family. Everyone in the family saw her as a nasty cow.

You don't have to forgive people for things just because they die.

I've got to pop out now - thank you all for your comments.

I'm with you OP. I think it's very sad to think of someone dying and their family choosing not to attend a funeral. That said, her relationship with her family does sound difficult. You don't say why other members of the family aren't planning to go. If they had had a very poor relationship with her, perhaps they feel that it would be hypocritical to go to her funeral, if they hadn't seen her face-to-face for a long time

If she had friends who might like to go, your DH could tell them the arrangements. It's a tricky one. On the one hand, I would think his sister has no right to dictate whether other people should come. On the other hand, if she takes the huff because she feels that she has been undermined, then this may cause additional tension

It's not uncommon for different siblings to have very different childhood experiences and opinions of their parents.

Your DH may have grown up in the same family but that doesn't mean his feelings for his mother are any more or less valid than theirs. I don't know why their feelings for their mother should affect their relationship with you - you have to respect these differences.

It's difficult if your DH and your SIL have different views about the funeral but tbh if your MIL had a lot of friends surely they would know by now that she had died and be making enquiries about the funeral anyway?

She didn't sound like a very nice person. Just because she died the hurt that she's caused over the years didn't go away.

You just have to accept that your MIL was mean to many people and was not well-liked. Just support your DH through this ordeal.

It might be a day for celebrating your own family. If they won't be involved, you can only ask them to do it to support dh. Then make it about you dh and any dc, I.e have the funeral and do something special together, a nice family meal together with no-one who will bicker might be a way to feel blessed by ur own family?

It sounds a sad situation, something must have gone very wrong for so many relatives to not attend their own mother/sister/aunt's funeral. They must have their reasons though (as you hint at with the 'ups and downs') and it's up to them, no one has an obligation to attend anyone's funeral. I wouldn't get involved, it's not for you to tell them how they should feel. Agree that the best thing you can do is support your DH both emotionally and practically as best you can, and leave the others out of it if they don't want to be involved.

Perhaps in the future they might regret not going, or not trying to make peace with her before she died, but that's their decision and their consequences to deal with.