to expect more of my DHs family to attend his mum's funeral?

[newbeliever]

I'm really struggling to understand my DHs family at the moment. We returned from our holiday on Saturday to the sad news that my DHs mum had died whilst we were away. My dh is one of four (he is the youngest) - his mum was a 'character' shall we say, and all the dc's have had their fair share of ups and downs with her. His eldest brother has had nothing to do with the organisation of the funeral and has simply said to my dh that he is happy to go along with whatever my dh wants to arrange. His elder sisters are being equally odd in different ways - one has gone on holiday knowing that mum has died and has no plans to return for the funeral (she claims she said 'goodbye' to mum the last time she saw her), the other is making the funeral arrangements really awkward.

My dh and his sister met with the funeral directors yesterday - she doesn't want anyone to attend other than family, so no friends etc, she doesn't want any eulogy, she didn't want to travel with mum to the crematoriam, doesn't want to go for a meal after the funeral and was just generally obtrusive. My dh is so upset. The wider members of the family also do not plan to attend, his mum's sister, her children etc + his sister's grown up boys (the grandchildren) are also not attending. We've just spent the whole morning chosing music and trying to write a eulogy when we realised that at most there will only be 6 of us at the funeral. Not sure what I'm asking for - but just felt the need to off-load as I'm so upset by the lack of support + selfishness from his family. It feels like the whole family is splitting, we've got no support in organising the funeral, no one seems to care.

Obviously I don't know allt he individual circumstances but I think when people die, everyone deals with it in different ways. I still have my parents around but when my grandmother died (who lived with me as a child and I was very close to) I couldn't handle the funeral, I didn't want to go in the cars, I didn't want some song on, I was furious that extended family who i felt were strangers were invited. I was a bit of a nightmare about it all. I can't explain why I felt this way.

My mum felt the need to tell everyone about the death, she went to grief support groups she was so open about it all, she made it her main focus, whereas I told none of my friends and nobody at work.

My aunt seemed almost happy, completely non plussed that her mother had died until a year later when she had a breakdown. We were told it was due to the death of her mother.

Everyone copes in different ways, everyone should be entitled to that. If your DH can cope with what hes doing and has your support thats great but I don't think you should put everyone else behaviour in the context of how you feel. They are probably just dealing with it in their own way.

Also cocolepew is right, you don't forgive people just because they died.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My Nan was a vile woman character and whilst all her sons (including my dad) attended it was interesting to watch their different reactions. My dad and one other brother felt indifferent to her death, my dad's middle brother was genuinely upset. He was her favourite and was the only one who had happy memories of her.

It is wholly possible that despite them being siblings they had a wholly different relationship with her than your husband had.

I thought that there was only one sister not planning to attend?

As regards "support"-what do you want them to do?

Help with the funeral?

Perhaps your husband´s brother could be given things to do?

And I agree that if your husband wants to do a eulogy, that´s up to him-as it is up to friends whether or not they attend.

I don't necessarily think that people aren't going because of some kind of animosity or falling out. My family are like this, they are just private and don't necessarily need to have a big public funeral when someone dies. They like to deal with what has happened themselves and see a funeral more as a necessary practicality rather than as an emotional part of the process of death. It is odd but that is how some people choose to deal with it, they want small private funerals the way some people want small private weddings. I used to find it difficult to deal with as a child because I would have preferred to have the closure of a happening marking the event but unfortunately if this is the way people deal with it you can't help it.

My family don't go to other people's funerals and don't expect other people to attend theirs except for immediate family. They don't want to cause a fuss and do their grieving alone beind closed doors.

Thank you all for your comments - it's really helped me to calm down and see the 'other side' to my in-laws point of view - this morning I really felt like texting my sister-in-law on holiday as I was so cross, and you've all managed to stop me from doing that, which is a good thing.

Sallykitten, you've hit the nail on the head when you say that may be they see it more as a practicalty rather than an emotional part of the process.

I think my family must have rubbed off on my DH over the years as he's making comparisions with my side of the family where we have huge gatherings and funerals are attended by the whole family and we all look after each other. He's expecting the same from his family when they are just not like that.

Having also read some of your comments on the eulogy - I'm a bit unsure now as to whether we should do it - his brother obviously had issues with his mum, but he's being very passive about the eulogy, doesn't have anything to add or feel the need to read it/agree it with us before Friday. I'm worried now that I'll be reading something that really hurts him. Do you think we'd be better off not doing one at all?

If the eulogy is your DH's memory of his mother, then I don't think his brother needs to approve it or have input, especially since he has given your DH carte blanche to arrange the funeral as he wishes

Ruby - meant to say thank you for your post - it really helped me to understand my sister-in-law. Thank goodness for MN I was getting in such a stew about everything and feel so much better this evening.

Thanks Red - that's my gut feel, but I'm starting to question everything now as I was so cross this morning (which isn't like me at all!).