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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to invite my Stepmother to my Wedding?

49 replies

Sexolette · 12/06/2012 13:04

Looking for some objective views on this as I have really lost perspective as to whether IABU or not!

There is a lot of history with SM and I, pretty much culminating in not liking each other particularly, but tolerating each other for my Dad's sake. This has worked for a number of years, but I feel that things have pretty much come to a head for me recently; influenced by one particular thing:

She has not come to visit my 14 week old daughter with my Dad. The bizarre logic here is that I am quite happy not to see her, but I am also totally annoyed at what I have taken as snubbing my daughter.

It's so ridiculous, part of me has a sort of grudging respect if she has decided to take the stance of not being involved with us, and actually I am fairly relieved, especially as the last few times she has been to see us she has turned up drunk. Quite a feat when you arrive at 4pm after a two hour drive...

When she does attend family functions or functions that we hold she gets totally wasted and embarrasses herself and I have to admit me also, she has no 'off' button when it comes to drinking and just doesn't know when she has had enough. A prime example being that we had a BBQ, everyone was going to bed, including us, and she decided she was going to carry on drinking etc in the garden, must add that my Dad was complicit in this too. This might not be so bad if quite a few of our guests weren't camping in said garden!

Anyway, I'm rambling!

The long and short of it is that I just don't feel particularly inclined to invite someone who I know doesn't like me and is very likely to cause a scene to my wedding. The thing that is holding me back is of course the impact on my Dad, would it be too much to tell him that I am not inviting his wife?

Should have said that he just ignores her bizarre drunken behaviour, it's totally surreal!!

I am ready with my hard hat!

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 12/06/2012 13:06

Invite her rise above it this could go on forever I can see why you are hurt perhaps she was being a bit snidey not seeing the baby but just invite her she is your dads wife and i think it would cause hard feeling with your dad, My friend had this the step mum wasnt on the top table or anything just parents

everlong · 12/06/2012 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tomverlaine · 12/06/2012 13:08

what would you do if your dad said that he wouldn't come if his wife didn't?

olgaga · 12/06/2012 13:08

Well personally I wouldn't but will it bother you if your dad then refuses to come?

Nancy66 · 12/06/2012 13:09

is your mother still alive? If so could you just invite her and stick her on a table at the back somewhere

Original poster

Sexolette · 12/06/2012 13:09

Tomverlaine - I have thought about that and I think he would still come.

OP posts:

DamselInDisgrace · 12/06/2012 13:09

I wouldn't invite her, tbh. Bugger family politics and invite only people that you want to be there. It sounds like (a) she wouldn't actually want to come and (b) if she comes, she'll just cause a scene. Do you really want to be worrying about that?

sugarice · 12/06/2012 13:10

Your Dad would find it hard to go to the wedding without her, I would imagine.

Original poster

Sexolette · 12/06/2012 13:11

Nancy - Yes my mum is still around, don't get me thinking of table plan madness!

OP posts:

olgaga · 12/06/2012 13:11

Well then definitely don't invite her. She's your dad's wife, she doesn't have to be part of your family or even your friend!

Especially if she's a PITA drunk.

Nancy66 · 12/06/2012 13:12

I was just thinking she won't be on the top table - so it's feasible she could be stuffed in a corner somewhere with a vat of wine and ignored

Original poster

Sexolette · 12/06/2012 13:14

Nancy - we are only having v small wedding, about 40-45 people, so makes it harder to hide her. Although there is a diabled loo, maybe I will stick her in there! :)

OP posts:

Oogaballoo · 12/06/2012 13:15

I wouldn't invite her or anyone else who can't stop themselves getting incredibly drunk and making a mess of themselves at every event. It'd be rotten to spend all of that money and time planning your wedding only to have it in the back of your mind the whole day that there's probably a scene coming from her that no one will put a stop to.

DamselInDisgrace · 12/06/2012 13:16

Well, the OP's dad would presumably be busy being part of the wedding party and not anywhere near the stepmother all day. So it wouldn't matter if she was there or not.

If you feel obliged to your dad, you could put her on the B evening-only invite list. That way he could sit with her after his duties were done.

Personally, I wouldn't bother though. Not if she's likely to embarrass you.

porcamiseria · 12/06/2012 13:16

yanbu

BUT it will cuase a shit load of issues if you dont, and will reverberate on your dad

not worth it, just invite her, hide her in a corner

PullUpAPew · 12/06/2012 13:16

She's your dad's wife. yes she sounds hard work, but she is his wife and not a new wife either.

If you invite her and she gets drunk, she makes a fool of herself. If you don't invite her, then you risk having bad feeling for months and you end up looking bad.

On another note, I think the fact you don't like her, don't want her to visit your DD but are annoyed she hasn't sounds messed up - either you want her to come or you don't, she can't win by the sounds of it!

MrsGaff · 12/06/2012 13:17

If you're happy to possibly deeply upset your dad and you're happy to take the risk that he won't come to your wedding either, then don't invite her.

Mrsjay · 12/06/2012 13:20

It does sound very complicated and a lot of toing and frowing like somebody has just pointed out , I think you should just invite her , I know its different would you not invite a friends husband/wife because you didn't like them ,

OfMiceandCats · 12/06/2012 13:20

I wouldn't invite her, but make it clear to your dad why she isn't invited. Tell him bluntly that she cannot control her behaviour and as he makes no effort to deal with her unacceptable behaviour you are not prepared to have her at your wedding. It is your day and you want it to be special, not remembered for having to deal with your stepmum's drunken antics.

TheHappyHissy · 12/06/2012 13:22

Why not talk to your Dad about it? Reach an understanding with him that IF she gets bladdered, then HE is to deal with it.

If she feels she can't behave then suggest to him that you won't be offended if she can't make it.

ReportMeNow · 12/06/2012 13:26

Agree with HappyHissy, make her your dad's problem.

If she does come, place her need the emergency exit, so she can be tipped shit-faced out the door, guests none the wiser. Although humiliating herself in front of the entire family will cement her position as a lush for ever!

Tamisara · 12/06/2012 13:28

This is difficult - but it's hard for anyone to give an objective viewpoint, as we see things from our POV.

I am a stepmum, and my DSS doesn't like me. We're perfectly pleasant to each other, but he undermines me at every turn.

If his dad & were still together (unlikely) when/if he were to get married, I could imagine not being invited, yet DH still going. If that were to happen, then I would ban our DD from going.

As much as you don't like her she is family, despite what Oogla said. Your dad chose to marry her, he chose to take vows to her when he married her, and to be honest, she is his priority.

Tell your dad that expect her to behave herself, and that he should drum it into her, and if her behaviour becomes too raucous, then she will be asked to go.

slowestwildebeast · 12/06/2012 13:29

yabu. You say you dob't like her yet are annoyed that she hasn't seen you and your baby, perhaps she feels uncomfortable around you and drinks too much.

If you hate her don't invite her but think how you would feel if your dad didn't invite your dp to their wedding.

get over yourself.

Happyasapiginshite · 12/06/2012 13:32

While I can see why you're anxious about her making a drunken scene at the wedding, I really think you have to invite her out of love for your dad. I wouldn't mind her not coming to see your baby, sounds like you don't enjoy her visits anyway so put that issue aside.

Maybe just have a word with your dad, adult to adult, and ask him to keep an eye on how much she drinks?

wineandroses · 12/06/2012 13:32

By not inviting her you risk your dad not feeling able to accept the invitation either. I would invite her, but would tell dad that it is on the proviso that she must not get drunk/cause a scene, and if she does then he must take her home. I would point out that he usually fails to deal with such scenes, but that on your wedding day he really must. She (and possibly he) may be offended by that, and not come anyway, in which case, so be it.

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