Not to invite my Stepmother to my Wedding?

[Sexolette]

Looking for some objective views on this as I have really lost perspective as to whether IABU or not!

There is a lot of history with SM and I, pretty much culminating in not liking each other particularly, but tolerating each other for my Dad's sake. This has worked for a number of years, but I feel that things have pretty much come to a head for me recently; influenced by one particular thing:

She has not come to visit my 14 week old daughter with my Dad. The bizarre logic here is that I am quite happy not to see her, but I am also totally annoyed at what I have taken as snubbing my daughter.

It's so ridiculous, part of me has a sort of grudging respect if she has decided to take the stance of not being involved with us, and actually I am fairly relieved, especially as the last few times she has been to see us she has turned up drunk. Quite a feat when you arrive at 4pm after a two hour drive...

When she does attend family functions or functions that we hold she gets totally wasted and embarrasses herself and I have to admit me also, she has no 'off' button when it comes to drinking and just doesn't know when she has had enough. A prime example being that we had a BBQ, everyone was going to bed, including us, and she decided she was going to carry on drinking etc in the garden, must add that my Dad was complicit in this too. This might not be so bad if quite a few of our guests weren't camping in said garden!

Anyway, I'm rambling!

The long and short of it is that I just don't feel particularly inclined to invite someone who I know doesn't like me and is very likely to cause a scene to my wedding. The thing that is holding me back is of course the impact on my Dad, would it be too much to tell him that I am not inviting his wife?

Should have said that he just ignores her bizarre drunken behaviour, it's totally surreal!!

I am ready with my hard hat!

I wish I had had the option to not invite my SM to my wedding.

Lucky for me, she won't fly, so she didn't come.

It's your wedding. Invite who you want.

What about ur mum? Does she have a partner? If not that might be a good way of not having stepmum. If ur havin mums dp, then I think u will have to have dads dp.

U cud always raise the drinking with her, give her the option to come and be relatively sober or stay away.

Or you cud ask if she wants invited. Using a ' since u have had nothing to do with my baby' do u want to be at my wedding.

Tamisara if your DSS didn't invite you to his wedding, but you think your DH would go anyway, why would you ban your DD from going? Why punish his sister just to make the point that you would be offended?

I think it would be sad not to be invited, and your DH may decide that means he doesn't want to go (as may your DD), but to 'ban' your DD just seems a bit spiteful.

I wont say my opinion is objective, but I didn't invite my Stepmother to my wedding, mostly because I wanted my birth mother there and didn't want any unpleasant scenes (as it was my Mother managed to alienate my Sister, and my Father embarrassed me by belittling my Mother, but I suppose it could have been worse!)

You're not supposed to speak ill of the dead and all that but Stepmother was a bitter twisted little woman and I never got on with her. It's YOUR day, don't invite anyone you are not comfortable inviting.

As for her being family, your Father married her, not you! You presumably weren't consulted on the matter!

Tit for tat. How sily.

Yabu. She's your dad's wife and despite the fact she's a horror, it would be churlish to make a big point and not invite her to the wedding. This will widen the rift further...is that what you want? An escalation of the situation? Because that is what you're going to get.

Can't you have a word with dad about her getting drunk at the wedding - it will cause a scene and embarrass you, him and her. Make sure she has a chaparone on the day to make sure she doesnt get out of hand.

You cant really not invite her - there would she constant questions on the day and it would be odd to have to tell everyone 'we didn't invite her'.

I'm afraid I don't agree that people should automatically accept a parent's choice of new partner as family. Especially if they are embarrassing drunks who either don't know how to behave or don't give a damn.

It's her dad's choice, yes - but OP is not obliged to approve no matter what.

But approving and inviting are separate. This is her dad's spouse. Married couples come as pairs, it is plain old bad manners to cast judgment and say 'I want you to come but not your wife'. I have a friend with a total prat of a husband but I couldn't just invite her to my wedding, that is soooo rude.

wine That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. I wouldn't be 'punishing' my DD, and to be honest this is all a bit 'hypothetical' anyway as DSS hasn't even had a girlfriend yet . But going on how I feel now, my DD1 is nearly two, I wouldn't allow her to go to a wedding in - say 5/10 years - if DH & I were still together. If DH decided to take her, it would be clear to her that mummy isn't family. I would also refuse to allow DH to pay for anything to do with the wedding, including present, out of our money if I was snubbed.

Obviously there is history (not least that DSS insisted that DH took him out for a meal when he was here, leaving me to look after 16 month old DD, after I'd fallen on the stairs, heavily pregnant, bleeding, and DH was told NOT to leave me alone by the hospital). We then lost DD2, just two days before I was due to deliver her. I can never forget that he put DSS above DD2, when he knew that she was in danger.

As I said this in my opinion, based on now. I'm sure the future will be different.

I was in a similar position when I got married, in the end I decided to be the bigger person and invite her. However she didn't get an invite to my hen do and her (ghastly) mother was only invited to the evening. She wore an outfit the exact same colour as my bridesmaids (she knew what colour it was because I stupidly excitedly took round a swatch of fabric a few weeks before) - I decided I didn't need to say anything, other people could see for themselves what kind of person she was.

Mind you in a phone conversation she 'warned' me not to pick a certain date because it clashed with when she fancied going on holiday and hinted that my dad might not come. I felt backed into a corner so for my dad's sake I didn't argue and she got an invite.

I think YWNBU not to invite her, but I worry about how things might go with your dad. I'd have a chat with him and tell him your concerns about her drinking, maybe say you're in 2 minds as to whether to invite her because of it and see how he reacts. I've come to realise its not worth falling out with my dad over my wicked step-mother, but other people are starting to see her true colours and I won't hold my tongue forever.

With regard to your baby, I understand you feel shunned.. But personally I'd be glad she hasn't visited, you don't want alchy breath all over your baby if she got drunk on the way and it would create a scene if you confronted her about it (which I would by-the-way, it's one thing being drunk around adults but a newborn is another matter) - it's probably best the situation is being avoided for now.

Enjoy your baby and hope the wedding goes to plan whatever you decide

YABU.

Imo weddings should not be an excuse to exercise personal vendettas. If you don't invite your SM you will cause all sorts of bad feeling that you cannot then put right. Believe me, it is just not worth it. So, invite your Dad and your SM. Have your Dad on the 'top table' with you and put your step mother on a crap another table.

I have a really good friend who cannot stand her SM. Lots & lots of history and years of bad feeling. Even she invited the SM to her wedding (she was just a little bit naughty who she sat her next to though )

If you don't invite her, she will always have the upper hand over you. Is that what you really want?

Tamisara, well, fair enough, only you know the full story of your relationship. So sorry about DD2

Has your dad been to see your baby? Has she maybe not come because she thought she might not be welcome or thought you might want to see your dad alone without her?
Her excessive drinking soundsa awful but I would talk to your dad and ask him why she hasn't been to see your daughter and say you're upset by this. If my stepdaughter didn't invite me to her wedding I'd be pissed off but would still persuade my husband to go. I'd be more upset if she chose her stepfather to walk her down the aisle rather than her father.

Well some good points there ladies!!

Damn you voices of reason that (correctly) point out that I will be the bad guy if I don't invite her.

I think I will have to speak to my Dad, easier said than done as we are both fairly prone to not discussing anything of great depth with each other.

My cousin is getting married before me, will use her behaviour there as a guage I think, if it is REALLY bad I will just have to bite the bullet. Inviting to the evening do only is a good suggestion, would mean that she would probably not come...

The temptation to elope is enormous, not quite so romantic with four children in tow!!

Sorry, I think YABU. I understand she seems to be a difficult person, but she is your dad's wife. Unless she has been truly vicious to you, you should invite her. And an embarrassingly drunk person at a wedding is, IME, not at all unusual.
About coming to see the baby, I get why you feel pissed off, but it's not like you would have enjoyed her visit so I would say it doesn't matter so much that you need to escalate things.
Good luck with the seating plan, though!!

Coming at this from the angle of SM I hope to god my SD doesnt invite me to her wedding.

She's 18. We live very far apart and we haven't seen her since last year (her choice). I actually get on fine with her but her family and MIL have caused that much drama I literally feel sick at the thought of going!

DH would of course go, with my full blessing but I really, really don't want to be invited! I don't think she'd want my dc there either actually. But if that were the case it might change how I felt about DH going!

I wouldn't invite her, but I would expect the dad probably wouldn't come.

You could ask your father if your stepmother would be relieved not to be invited.

she might not want to come, but will feel obliged to.

If it wasn't for the drunk stuff then I'd say invite her. But not if she's going to get drunk and cause a scene. She might have been waiting for a personal invite to come and see the baby.

I didn't invite my Dad's parents to my wedding. One of them died a year later -she had been ill for a long time so it wasn't unexpected. I don't regret the decision. He was upset but still came to the wedding and it hasn't been a problem between us.

We also had a small wedding of about 40 people and had a rule that we wouldn't invite anyone we hadn't seen for a year or so (with one exception who lived overseas). I had seen them once in 20 years, and even then they didn't come to see me, they just happened to be in the area.

Invite who you want, just be prepared to live with the consequences.

Do you think that your relationship with her is in any way repairable?

If you truly hate her and she truly hates you, then don't invite her. I think the only people at your wedding should be the ones who genuinely care about you and wish you well. However, if there is a chance that you could repair the relationship, then invite her.

If you decide not to, then understand that this will irrevocably break your relationship - there is no coming back from it. There will be no more social niceties and pretending, the gloves will be off. If you can live with that ( and I would actually prefer the honesty), then fair enough.

If you d invite her, then I agree with the advice about speaking to your dad beforehand about her drinking and behaviour. You should tell him that if he cannot guarantee that she will behave then you would rather she didn't attend.

It's a tough one.

Many congratulations on your wedding. I hope all pans out well for you.

How about telling it like it is to her? Something like: "I'd love you to be at my wedding but I'm afraid only if you promise not to drink as much as you usually do. Sorry, it's just not that kind of do." She'll probably take offence and not come, but at least you can say you've invited her. Your dad can hardly get cross because he has refused to help address the problem himself.

With any luck your dad will come, she won't, and you've raised the drinking problem as a bonus.

I suppose there is the real possibility she will come and just drink anyway, so maybe another discussion is needed, this time with your dad, to get him to promise to take her home if she does this.

The long and short of it is is that it's your day. If you don't want to invite her then don't or maybe just to the evening part. Your wedding should be full of people who love and care about you and vice versa - especially if you have chosen an intimate wedding rather than a large event. If she ruins your day the situation will get even worse. Just speak to your dad and explain the situation. Or elope!

OP, it's a really tricky one. I'm getting married this year and have not invited SM. She is a manipulative woman who uses every opportunity she gets to bad-mouth my mum... most recently at my grandad's funeral (dad's dad) where she slagged off my mum to all family members, including me. Mum and grandad were very close and she was jealous of this.

Whatever you decide, talk it through with your dad. He will be aware of what she is like and might be willing to talk to her, take her home if she makes a scene etc. My dad understands full well why SM isn't coming to my wedding and is trying to talk to her about her behaviour.

IMO you don't want to spoil your wedding day worrying about what she might/might not do. I know if SM came to mine I would be worrying the whole time.