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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

HELP, sister been living with us 2 months, no money...

36 replies

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 11:06

I just dont know if I am being unreasonable or not. I was made redundant end of Jan, so relying on DH's mediocre salary. It pretty much just about covers bills and very little else.

Sister has a long story tbh, but in a nutshell:
she is 17 months older me. Always thought she would marry and have kids, as she always boyfriends, even been engaged etc. I had very few boyfriends, but it was me at age 40 that got married and had two kids. DH is divorcee and already had two kids, which we had to support. I carried on working to keep job open, but nursery fees plus 1/3rd of private school fees for first two kids, pretty much ate my salary. Both salaries didn't cut the mustard, and we just built debts. House was near on derelict and we just kept pulling off the mortgage to get things done.

There is more of a story than that... but back to sis. She never married, and I believe she holds some jealousy of me. We have a love\hate relationship, and I am fearful of her, because she is strong willed and always overcomes me in a tiff. Very opinionated blah blah. Someone just said that my dh has two wives living with him.

She upped sticks recently and took on another job about 1 hour away from us, because she wanted to be nearer us and our mother, a further 2 hours away -diff direction.

The new job did not work out after a week. So I said for her to come and stay, sort herself out. That was 2 months ago.

She has contributed £100 in that time.

Other than the finance, there are other hangups of her staying here, and I seriously cant cope anymore. The kids want her gone as she has zero tolerance of them.

But DH says she is family and we should support her. But our finances are going back in the red, we are currently £155 od, and dh not getting paid till end of month. We used any redundancy money to help clear last lot of debts, so nothing to support us there.

In my head I know what I should do, and I want to ask her for £50 a week. But she runs on emotional blackmail, and boy she is good.

I want to cry, as we are not a big family, at all and the last thing I want to do is make her feel unloved or unwanted. But I'm sure... ?? I'm not being unreasonable. She still has her flat, and has taken temp work where we are, when she can get it, and is trying for permanant roles... but they seem far and few.

Because her flat is on a commuter line into London, we have suggested that she place the flat with a Letting agency whilst the olympics, tennis etc is on, and she could pull in a wicked price. But she says she cant cope with job hunting and do all the sorting for that as well. She has gone back to her flat this week, and Im hoping she thinks more about that.

thanks for listening. Sorry it is so long. Sad

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady13 · 12/06/2012 11:19

Speaking from experience - you CANNOT allow yourself to get into debt for your sister.

She has options available - for example, as you said, to rent out her flat.

You'll end up resenting her much more if you don't speak out now!

Paiviaso · 12/06/2012 11:26

Why is she living with you if she owns a flat?

I'm confused as to why you are supporting a fully functioning adult with no dependents, who owns property and is capable of working.

noddyholder · 12/06/2012 11:28

You just have to be a grown up and say you think you need your family home back and hope the time you have given her has helped

manicbmc · 12/06/2012 11:29

She is an adult and she is taking the piss. If she is now back at her flat, do not under any circumstances let her move back in with you. She relies on you because she can, not because she can't cope.

QuintessentialShadows · 12/06/2012 11:31

She is not homeless, she needs to go back to her flat and job hunt from there. She cannot live with you.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/06/2012 11:38

She has a flat! WHY is she staying wth you? she has no job tough....she needs to get some benefits sorted out and stay out of your home.

NatashaBee · 12/06/2012 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 11:44

Thanks all. I know, I know.... but she sobs and says she is lonely. She is 150 odd miles away from us.

The story is longer than that imparted above, but would have been here forever to explain all and her hangups.

Yes, she is an adult and can support herself. I think... I have seen another side to her since she has been living here.

She has always claimed I have been driven by money, to which I have taken acceptance. Yes, I worked very very hard in London and earned a good wage. She however, only took on lowly paid jobs so she could maintain a 9-5pm lifestyle, get home, make her tea, put slippers on and watch tv with glass of wine. She never pushed herself to achieve or do better. Even though she could. She does however, live off her nerves, and sits there twiddling draw strings from her hoody, or her necklace or whatever is dangling around her being at the time. Constantly twiddling.

OP posts:
WhirlyByrd · 12/06/2012 11:47

I think I'd be asking myself why your DH is sticking up for her and her for him. You are married to him. She is your sister. If you want her to go then your DH should back you up, surely?

coppertop · 12/06/2012 11:49

Take the opportunity to tell your sister that she will not be returning to stay in your home.

Your dh may believe that you should support her but this does not mean that she needs to live with you. She is an adult with her own flat and no dependents. She is capable of working or claiming benefits to tide her over.

She may be family but right now she is a financial and emotional leech.

coppertop · 12/06/2012 11:52

Your dh should be putting you and your children's need for a happy home far above his own wish to sit on his arse while two women do everything for him.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/06/2012 11:56

You keep comparing yourself to her and leaving her in a very unflattering light personally...what has how much you earned and she didn't got to do with this now? I suspect that you partly like her being with you as you get a ittle lift from your success and her failure. Otherwise you would simply ask her to move on.

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 11:59

whirlybird and coppertop I know!!!!. I will have another talk with DH when he gets home.

Right now... I am in agony, as my back has 'gone'. Lower three discs are wearing away, and no surgery will help. Every so often the muscles strain and agitate the nerves and the pain is just awful. Can't move. Thank the Lord for paracetamol and Ibruprofen!!! Grin

Everything is being done very slowly, but this situation... I must address. I just feel shit rubbish and quite low.

Like you guys... I just don't get it. I just don't. I've tried to see things from her point of view, and I do understand she is lonely, and I think I've done what I can for her. My friend said for me to ask her... how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

But I'd like to see anyone cope with her melt downs. And I know she talks to people behind my back... people that used to many years ago, be my friends. My name is trash I think.... and they all rally round her. I can't however, get on the phone and explain things from my point of view. Life is too busy for me, DCs are 8 and 6yrs, with youngest having emotional development problems etc.

But even though she has friends... it is not enough.

Man alive... I need to stop talking about her, before I explode.

thank you ALL so much for responding. It is complex and deep, and unless I totally cut her off, there will NEVER be resolution in our relationship. She is just that type of person. Thing is though... outside the home, she seems to be light and everyone likes her. So why then... when she comes to us is she like some heavy black doom n gloom cloud. Is she really taking me for a ride?

OP posts:
Incaminka · 12/06/2012 12:00

Fee, fi, fo, fum
I smell an affair in the making....

maddening · 12/06/2012 12:01

could she live with your mum?

RabidAnchovy · 12/06/2012 12:02

Tell her she can not come back to your home, and bloody well stick to it, she has a home make her stay there

RabidAnchovy · 12/06/2012 12:04

Also I think you need to get her away from your husband as I would lay a penny to a pound that they will be at it like rabbits any time soon

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 12:06

TheHouseOnTheCorner - do you really think that? Is that how I have come across? Pouring my heart out and on the edge of a break down?

Hmmm... well. You got that wrong, I have to say.

I don't compare myself to her. I did work very hard, and she didn't. I think if anything... what I was\am trying to say there... is that whilst I saved and put my money to good use... she did not. And yes... I was\am cross about that. Maybe that is wrong... but of course, over time - she is the one knocking on my door. But do not mis-understand me. Any monies I had saved have been used up on the house and with the family. Nothing lasts forever.

Perhaps you are right! Perhaps I have never 'understood' her fully, or really given her time to understand her, and that is why she accuses me of such things like neglect.

I'm not going to get in strop with your comments, on the contrary. It is good to see things from another angle. But I think you might have this one wrong.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 12/06/2012 12:10

If you end this now she will respect you more.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/06/2012 12:11

Look I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings and I said what I said in order to play devils advocate a bit....it DOES seem like you're being a doormat and as an onlooker that's kind of annoying.

She is stressing you out...and your DC....so tell her she can't live with you. she's your sister, not your offspring and you are not responsible for her.

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 12:11

ha ha... not quite sure an affair is the cards... although, heck! One never knows! She is more of a 'fish wife' nagging him to do things, than I ever have been. I think he is just very family orientated and tries to do the right thing all round. In this instance... he has taken his eye off the ball, and forgotten to back me up.

Just got an email from him as it happens, and he agrees we must sit her down to discuss. But this does not mean he will boot her out.

You guys are stronger than me. I like that you are very focused and know the answers. I too know what I want to do, but have to tread carefully.

I can be strong, I can be assertive, even aggressive when need be. Just not with her.

OP posts:
Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 12:14

TheHouseOnTheCorner - I know, thanks Smile

OP posts:
LemonTurd · 12/06/2012 12:16

She needs to leave. If you have to pack up her stuff and drive her back to her flat, then so be it.

I'd be concerned about her and your DH too.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/06/2012 12:16

I see an affair in the making too!

What sort of a man is your husband if he wants two women running round after him! Lazy mother fucker! You should put your foot down about that for a start!

He should be supporting you primarily, not your sister although its nice he is concerned, if that's what it really is?

You need her to leave, if only for your own happiness and sanity. You're just going to have to be strong about that. It is ultimately your decision not your husbands. If he protests very strongly you'll need to ask yourself why.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 12/06/2012 12:17

Are you from another country originally Wolf? It's just that your sentence structure is slightly unusual and I wondered if your sisters choices and DHs attitude are cultural? I know in some cultures, extended family is more important than in the usual UK set up.