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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

HELP, sister been living with us 2 months, no money...

36 replies

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 11:06

I just dont know if I am being unreasonable or not. I was made redundant end of Jan, so relying on DH's mediocre salary. It pretty much just about covers bills and very little else.

Sister has a long story tbh, but in a nutshell:
she is 17 months older me. Always thought she would marry and have kids, as she always boyfriends, even been engaged etc. I had very few boyfriends, but it was me at age 40 that got married and had two kids. DH is divorcee and already had two kids, which we had to support. I carried on working to keep job open, but nursery fees plus 1/3rd of private school fees for first two kids, pretty much ate my salary. Both salaries didn't cut the mustard, and we just built debts. House was near on derelict and we just kept pulling off the mortgage to get things done.

There is more of a story than that... but back to sis. She never married, and I believe she holds some jealousy of me. We have a love\hate relationship, and I am fearful of her, because she is strong willed and always overcomes me in a tiff. Very opinionated blah blah. Someone just said that my dh has two wives living with him.

She upped sticks recently and took on another job about 1 hour away from us, because she wanted to be nearer us and our mother, a further 2 hours away -diff direction.

The new job did not work out after a week. So I said for her to come and stay, sort herself out. That was 2 months ago.

She has contributed £100 in that time.

Other than the finance, there are other hangups of her staying here, and I seriously cant cope anymore. The kids want her gone as she has zero tolerance of them.

But DH says she is family and we should support her. But our finances are going back in the red, we are currently £155 od, and dh not getting paid till end of month. We used any redundancy money to help clear last lot of debts, so nothing to support us there.

In my head I know what I should do, and I want to ask her for £50 a week. But she runs on emotional blackmail, and boy she is good.

I want to cry, as we are not a big family, at all and the last thing I want to do is make her feel unloved or unwanted. But I'm sure... ?? I'm not being unreasonable. She still has her flat, and has taken temp work where we are, when she can get it, and is trying for permanant roles... but they seem far and few.

Because her flat is on a commuter line into London, we have suggested that she place the flat with a Letting agency whilst the olympics, tennis etc is on, and she could pull in a wicked price. But she says she cant cope with job hunting and do all the sorting for that as well. She has gone back to her flat this week, and Im hoping she thinks more about that.

thanks for listening. Sorry it is so long. Sad

OP posts:
coppertop · 12/06/2012 12:19

If your dh genuinely believes that helping family is the right thing to do, I would agree with him and say that this needs to start with his own immediate family, ie you and your children.

Even if your sister was a wonderful person, her presence right now is not making you or your children happy. You are also in physical pain and need time and space to relax and rest. This just isn't going to happen while you have a house guest.

Long-term, this might just be the boost that your sister needs to get her back into work.

I don't think she's necessarily after an affair. I think she just enjoys playing the victim with your husband and making him think that you're in the wrong. It's the same childish game that she plays with your friends.

Journey · 12/06/2012 12:28

I think you're getting far too emotionally involved in the situation and bringing up stuff that is irrelevant. You don't want your sister to stay any longer so tell her she will need to leave by x date. Alternatively, if she stays she will need to pay x amount of money. Don't get into a discussion about it because I think you'll lose the focus if you do.

I'm totally confused why she is staying with you when she has a flat and must have money to pay her rent or mortgage.

TheCunningStunt · 12/06/2012 12:36

I'm confused by her flat too. She either owns it outright or has funds to take care of it. If she wants move closer, she should sell or rent it out and rent a place near you. Tell her that she has choices, but she cannot stay with you long term. Even if she contributed financially, would you really want her living with you for the long term? She needs to grow up, and the only ways she will do that is if you grow a pair and tell her what you want WinkSmile

olgaga · 12/06/2012 12:50

Perhaps I have never 'understood' her fully, or really given her time to understand her, and that is why she accuses me of such things like neglect.

For goodness sake, Wolfgirl this really doesn't stack up.

So what if she accuses you of "neglect"? You are not her mum. If your mum has brought you up to think you should be responsible for your siblings, there's something very wrong. If your sister and your mum feel your sister cannot cope on her own, your mum can invite her back home.

But your sister has her own place. She needs to go and live there and find a bloody job and a social life.

You and your DH obviously have many, many problems to deal with already. Why is your DH so keen to add more? It sounds like your problem is with him as much as her.

Your sister is a drain on your finances and a strain on your family life. It's your home, your family, your decision. She needs to respect that.

EldritchCleavage · 12/06/2012 13:07

From your OP it sounds as though she is taking you for a ride.

It doesn't sound as though she likes, loves or respects you. If that is right, she is not going to start now, even though you are helping her out. In fact, the more you let her walk all over you and your family, the more disdain for you she is going to have.

Wolfgirl · 12/06/2012 17:00

All, so... tried to have a chat with her this afternoon and suggested she cannot stay with me long term. She was talking as though she is just taking a break at the flat, and returning to me to seek work.

She broke down sobbing.

I guess in all my explanations, I poured out past frustrations, when I should have just focused on the current situ... so apologies for entwining the two!

I have also spoken to dh and suggested the following:

"So what this has turned into is this:

Her relocation did not work

She came here for a while, see if she could get work.

That has not worked out

Instead of going back, getting work in London (for a short time), she has continued to stay here at our expense

I propose, that she goes back to London and gets temp work, and whilst she is there, she sort out Letting her flat. It only need to be for another month or so. London will pay better rates and the work will be consistent. I understand she does not want to work in London, but in order to pay us and her way, this is the route open to her"

I think I ought to just get on with this now and man up to her. But to say, thank you all for taking time to chat and contribute. The consensus is, that she has to go. I get that.

PS, concerning her flat... she has been doing dribs n drabs of temp work and managing to make enough to pay her bills, but that is it. She tells me she has £3k of debts. She will never clear that in the short term, so that is irrelevant. Her immediate outgoings are what is relevant.

Thank you again. Smile

OP posts:
Serendipity30 · 12/06/2012 17:33

PooPooInMyToes What sort of a man is your husband if he wants two women running round after him! Lazy mother fucker! You should put your foot down about that for a start! Grin eloquently put and i agree, . OP your husband may indeed have his heart in the right place, but his priority should be his own family or am i missing something

gemma4d · 12/06/2012 17:41

inspired by another MN thread; present her with an itemised bill, and note that further bills will be weekly. Feel free to leave it for her to find when you are not around! Might get rid of her, at least might get to think about ££s?

PooPooInMyToes · 12/06/2012 19:19

Thunder. Yes i am indeed very eloquent! Grin

LemonTurd · 12/06/2012 19:28

Breaking down sobbing is the response I would've predicted Wink She must realise that £100 towards a two month stay is an utter piss-take?

Do you mean then that she will get temp work in London whilst continuing to stay with you? If so, makes sure you set out very clear boundaries of what you expect from her.

skybluepearl · 12/06/2012 21:12

explain that you can't afford to keep her as you are in debt. ask her to temp in london and apply for jobs from there. she really needs to get her own life and not expect you to be her life. yes you can be a part of that life a couple of night a week

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