AIBU to think that I can't cope with 10 month old daughter?

[cheekypickle]

I've recently been diagnosed with Bi Polar after having a depressed spell. I was in a mental hospital for 6 weeks, during this time my 10month old daughter went to childminders whilst my husband was at work.

I'm now out of hospital and doing well, my confidence is growing and I should be going back to work (teaching) very soon.

am I a bad mum because she goes to the childminder 9am-5pm mon to friday?

do other parents put their children at the childminder for similar periods of time?

do people think I should be seeing her more?

I don't know what to do any help/advice would be appreciated.

thanks

I'm sorry to hear you've been ill. In answer to your questions, no you are not a bad mum to do this, yes other parents also do it. In my experience a happy and functioning parent is the most important thing for a child. Does she seem to like her childminder? Does the cm do stuff with her to keep her stimulated and socialised? Are you benefiting from having time to get better? If so then keep on going! Personally I think quality time is probably more important than quantity of time if you get my drift. I hope your recovery continues well.

You're NOT a bad mum! When I was working I left DD at nursery from 8am to 6pm, five days a week from the age of 5 months. She loved nursery and had fun everyday. Don't feel bad. You are doing what is best for yourself and your baby, and I bet she loves you and cherishes the time you do spend together. I know my DD did.

Sorry to hear about your recent ill health.

You are not a bad mum for using a childminder.

When I was teaching full time, my DD was with the childminder from 7.30 - 6pm Monday to Friday. I did reduce my hours to p/t because I hardly saw her in the evenings/weekends either!

The childminder was great and we were happy for her to be there.

I know it's hard, but please go easy on yourself. You've been through a very tough time and it sounds like you're coming through it well, so whatever works keep doing it. FWIW, both my boys went full-time to a childminder from 8 months old whilst I worked and they had a very happy time there and still loved me as their mum. Yes, I felt the guilt pangs from time to time, but I also knew that's all it was and they were absolutely fine, and I was better off working. But it doesn't really matter what anything thinks you should be doing. You are doing your best, for your family and for yourself. Take care.

At not much older - 12 months - my daughter was doing Mon-Thu 07:30-18:00 AND I worked away 2 nights per week! 2.5 years on - she still loves nursery, and is a confident, outgoing and affectionate little girl.

Don't worry! You are not in a tiny minority. In fact, outside the UK people rarely get as long on leave.

I'm glad you are recovering well, and hope you are getting ongoing support. Don't let these normal worries that we all have about childcare make you feel bad. It's normal to worry, but really - it is fine, and no reason to feel bad. x

I think keeping her in the routine she is used to, especially as you hope to be returning to work, makes a lot of sense.

My dd will, at 8mo, be going to CB 7.30-17.30 daily.

This does not a bad parent maketh.

thank you all for your comments.

Jess loves the childminders, she takes her to lots of groups. Its a husband and wife childminding team who do a great job.

my husband thinks i'm daft for worrying and says I should enjoy the time off before I have to go back to work.

i feel guilty because most teacher friends of mine have their children with them in the half term holidays etc, but we're going to send Jess to the childminder.

am I overly worrying??

thanks again for all your comments

I know it's harder said than done, but you don't need to worry and you especially don't need to be comparing yourselves to other teacher friends. They are not you. They are doing what is right for them. So are you. As long as your daughter is happy and well cared for and you are recovering, that is all that matters.

Apart from finding that quite insulting, i know your ill, and i would just say Happiness is the most important thing in life, rich, poor, fat, thin, if your happy, you'll be fine.

Concentrate on getting better.

Insulting how, KateS - because of the implication that only a bad mum has full-time childcare? I don't think that's insulting at all. It's just a fear the OP has. She's not condemning anyone else. Far from it, I'd say. She's just beating herself up, so getting insulting doesn't help anyone.

getting insulted, I meant, sorry.

Just wanted to give you some perspective,I had a week of work last week,still sent my twins to their cm,it meant I had the chance to get my hair cut,go shopping for new clothes for me,get a massage to make me feel good,meet a friend for lunch without having to go to a child friendly place,have some time at home relaxing alone,and have a bit of a declutter at home.
I used to worry that this meant I was a bad parent because I wanted some space,but I know now that this gives me some time to clear my head and relax.
I posted about it on here and was told that I was not being unreasonable to do that!I was told categorically that I was unreasonable though if I spent that time just doing housework and that I should do something for me,even if it meant going back to bed to sleep!
If you need to do it to keep you and your life balanced then do it.

You are NOT a bad mum.

Sending your child to a childminder full time is a perfectly normal thing to do. She will be getting a lots out of the interaction with other children and you can work / look after yourself. Your DD will be so happy to see you after the childminder and you can have lots of lovely family time at the weekend :)

No there is no way YRBU. You have been sick and now you are recovering. To recover properly you need time away from your daughter. This means you are a good mother.

It was such a generalising statement. Being only one point at the end of 'I am a bad mum because...'. Nothing that would actually make anyone a bad mum in my opinion anyway, and most people work theses days and need childcare.

But your right, i should have said anything, was just a bit at first. I jump the gun a lot. I know someone says it everyday, but having a baby is a huge shock, & OP, watch kicked out kids on BBC, its a horrible program, but might give you some perspective of what a bad parent actually is, the third family in particular.

I see what you mean Kate. Love your handbags as well

Pickle, I've got BPD as well and TBH it's something I worry about too. My DDs are slightly older than yours, 9 and 6, and I know they have been affected by my illness. I was in hospital about 4 years ago for over 2 months, and DH and I lived separately for over a year while we both finally came to terms with the whole thing. DD2 who was only 2 at the time still remembers "Mummy's flat"!

But when I start feeling like a bad mum, I like to remind myself that they would be affected just the same if I had cancer, or MS, or any number of things. Thank goodness BPD is manageable with medication. I am happy to say I have not had a major episode (mania or depression) in well over three years. I wish the same for you - nice long periods of stability, with life's normal ups and downs.

Putting a child with a childminder though has nothing to do with BPD really - zillions of parents make that decision every day purely based on the choice of whether to work or not. Your question may as well be "Am I a bad mum if I work outside of the home?" To which the answer is of course a resounding

NO!!!!!!!!!

Poor OP, you are not a bad mum at all. I think many mums find it hard to give themselves any credit for anything.

On top of that you have been ill, and I think your negative feelings are probably magnified because of your illness, which is really difficult for you.

The saying "Time is a great healer" isn't just a cliche. Often it's only when time goes on, and things improve, you can look back and realise how hard it has been for you, and how much progress you have made.

You obviously care a great deal, and I'm sure you will all come through this difficult period in your life just fine.

It doesn't matter what other people think. This is best for you and it's what you're doing. Realising that other people don't know, don't understand, and don't have responsibility for your family has felt to me like an important part of motherhood.

Ahh Hearts I hope someone says that about my own Fashion range one day

Is BPD Bi-Polar Disorder? I know that wasn't meant for me, but am just curious.

I probably shouldn't say this, but my mum has been depressed through some points in her life, and it was seriously the worst of mine. Times when i just though, she needs to get better before i bother with her anymore, because she makes things so awful. However she's better now, so things do turn out well in the end, with a bit of hard work! :)

DD is with our CM 3.5 days/week and with PIL 1.5 days/week. DH and I work full time. Although not quite the same as you, she still isn't with us during the day Mon - Fri.

That's the way it is. Neither of us are ill and I've been known to take time off and still send DD. As others have said, a healthy, happy parent is the best for a family and if childcare helps that, then you're being the best mum!

If you've not been well then you're doing the best thing for your family. You have to look after yourself as well. Lots of parents use full time child care, so don't stress yourself about that. Kids still grow up balanced and happy. Your reasons for using child care are equally valid. One of my best mates has bp. Her kids are in their teens now but when they were babies, and she was just diagnosed, she couldn't cope, walked out and lost everything. To this day she has huge regrets that she didn't live with her children through the bulk of their childhood. But once she had walked going back was never an option for her from her now ex Dh. I reckon child care might have saved her at the time to give her time to rest, but it wasn't a considered option and she was too ill to think about it rationally. Do what you need to do to learn to live with bp and be a great parent. You are not unreasonable.

No of course you are not a bad mum

But - my personal opinion is that a baby that young is too young to be in nursery and away from the main carer for that long every day. So many people say how 'happy' their baby is at nursery for hours on end every day and I just dont buy it - at all. A baby - given the choice - would choose to be with their mum/main carer - NOT away for all those hours. It is not natural for a baby to be away from their main carer for so long every day however much people try to normalise it.

This is not a criticism on you but so many people shy away from saying this and I know many people who feel the same - and, quite irnonically - many nursery workers who wouldn't ever leave their baby away from them for so long.

Good luck in your decisions

You do what you need to do in order to get better; what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

Your baby is being safely looked after - lots of small children are in childcare for long periods of time for lots of different reasons. Focus on getting yourself well and then you can make decisions.