AIBU to think that I can't cope with 10 month old daughter?

[cheekypickle]

I've recently been diagnosed with Bi Polar after having a depressed spell. I was in a mental hospital for 6 weeks, during this time my 10month old daughter went to childminders whilst my husband was at work.

I'm now out of hospital and doing well, my confidence is growing and I should be going back to work (teaching) very soon.

am I a bad mum because she goes to the childminder 9am-5pm mon to friday?

do other parents put their children at the childminder for similar periods of time?

do people think I should be seeing her more?

I don't know what to do any help/advice would be appreciated.

thanks

Thousand of people have children under a year old in full time day care while they work! Lots of people have long commutes and so leave their babies in the care of someone else (a nanny, childminder, or day nursery) from 7am until 6pm or even later so your child is a long way from being the 'worst off' in that respect.

The fact that you are doing it while you recover from illness is neither here nor there - she won't know the difference! She's going to be in daycare/childminders when you return to work anyway.

If you are asking me whether I would have been happy with that for my babies, then frankly, no. But I made a decision not to return to work very early on, and I was lucky that I had a choice and was able to and stick to it. But the fact is that plenty of babies do spend most of their first and second year in full time daycare of one sort or another, apparently without any ill effects on the child's wellbeing at all.

9a.m.-5pm Isn't 'full time' in this context. It's 40 hours out of the average 80 hours of daytime parenting required (plus night time parenting & ancillary chores).

Just because thousands do it it doesn't make it right. They don't do it because it is best for baby, they do it because it is best for them and their circumstances. What is best for a baby at that age is to be with their mum/main carer.

I don't disagree with you in the slightest MsP, but I don't think that is really the issue here. The question is does it make her a 'bad mum'? there are many ways of being a bad mum without putting your baby into registered childcare. We all parent in a way that works for us, according to our circumstances at the time. That doesn't necessarily make us bad.

My children were only BF for a matter of weeks each. It's not ideal, but it doesn't make me a bad mother, and ultimately it may make no difference to their outcomes whatsoever, if everything else it 'right'.

Some people only feed their children ready made, processed food. It's not ideal but it doesn't make them bad, and ultimately may make no difference to their outcomes whatsoever, if everything else is 'right'.

See where I'm going with this?

I don't really understand why you will still be sending your dd to the cm during the holidays when you're not working?
Don't you want to spend time with her?
I'm wondering if there's more to this than the op has said.
The majority of teachers I know who have children don't send their children to the cm during the holidays but enjoy spending time doing Mummy things.

MrsPaperbackWriter whilst I disagree with you I do understand that you are absolutely entitled to your opinion. I would be interested to hear what you could suggest the op could do instead to facilitate getting herself better and back on a more even keel? Surely she needs some time to herself in order to get healthy and even the loveliest most passive 10 month old needs a lot of looking after? Where else can she turn to for help?
borntobeamum have you read the whole thread? OP has been ill but is consequently worried about the effect it is having on her family.

If you read the original post properly then you would see there was more to the story borntobeamum

My almost 6 month old DS has been going to nursery since he was 9 weeks old, as I work full time and DH is a full time student. They say hes one of the happiest babies there. Don't listen to people who tell you that you need to be with the baby 24/7 that's nonsense. Better a healthy mum part of the time than an unhealthy mum all of the time. Just give her lots of kisses and cuddles and play time when you are together. And get better! Having suffered from depression for my entire adult life I know how hard it is!

I read the whole thread and I took on board the ops bp.
I still wonder why send her daughter for an extra 13 weeks when she needn't.
Ok, let her go for the odd morning but surely spending time with your baby is paramount.

I still wonder why send her daughter for an extra 13 weeks when she needn't.

Well that's a personal judgement the OP and her DH have to make, based on the needs and circumstances of everyone concerned.

Yes spending time with the baby is important, but what's paramount is whether the baby is getting good care. It's not as though OP is not spending any time with the baby. It's 40 hours a week out of what we all know is more or less a 24/7 role as a mum. She is clearly a good mum who cares about what is happening, or she wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Many people, through circumstances outside their own control, do not spend the time with their babies they would like to, or imagined they would.

Everyone has to adapt to their own particular circumstances, whether they are related to illness or the need to work.

Hiya

I am worried you have posted here (AIBU)

you have been VERY ill (bless you) and I am so pleased that you are getting help

so yanbu, or course not. to have her in FT care

work on your recovery and get strong

but take answers with pinch of salt xxx

borntobeamum

THANKS for proving my point!

she was in HOSPITAL for SIX WEEKS. I cat even begin to imagine how hard that must have been

hardly swanning off to virgin fucking active!

Hospital was horrible.

Perhaps I should have her in the school holidays. I haven't had her by myself for so long I've lost my confidence and wonder how I'll be able to cope.

My other teacher friends have their children in the holidays :(

Your other teacher friends have not been through what you have. Take one step at a time, increase your time alone with her only as and when you have the confidence and the good health to cope with it.

I haven't had her by myself for so long I've lost my confidence and wonder how I'll be able to cope.

Start small - speak to your DH about building up your confidence in this. Spend time with her alone at home, take her out to the park, or the shops or the library on a Saturday, have a coffee, just the two of you.

It'll come.

Are you not having her because, although you'd like to, you feel a lack of confidence? If so I'd be tempted to have her but see if you can get some help at home with her. If you had 6 weeks away that's bound to knock your confidence and you may need time together to re-bond and get to know each other again before the stress of term time takes over. Do you need to go back full time? (I don't cope with full time teaching but can fine with more time at home)

Or gradually have her back a bit more, say mornings at Child minder and afternoons with her. Or start with a homestart volunteer to play with you and her once a week (they're amazing and worth contacting as soon as) to help you regain confidence with her.

Of course you're not a bad mum but from here it looks like once term time starts you'll be snowed under with work and not have time to get your confidence back as a mum.

TBH I'm amazed you are doing so well as you are.

You have been in hospital for 6 weeks, had a baby within the last 12 months and going back to work in one of the hardest jobs known.

You will need to be really kind to yourself, by using such great child care you are doing all you can do that you baby will have a stable home. Weekends with mum and 6 weeks a year AL is all most kids with working mums have.

Teachers have longer holidays to catch up and recharge. You need to treat yourself carefully, just as any person who has bee ill needs to

You have to do what is right for you and your family long term, not just for now, and I know babies are only babies for a little while. Why not try having her for half a day every other day at home and see how it goes, it's more important that she gets good happy time with you in short spells rather than long spells with you stressed or worried or under pressure, gives you a chance to build up your confidence. And stop comparing yourself to others, you only have to be the best you can be and as long as you and dd are happy that's ok.