DS got punched in the head today at school

[BorisJohnsonsHair]

And then was made to apologise to the thug who did this for "winding him up"! I'm really pissed off. This child is a big bruiser with "anger issues" and is always picking on DS (who is 2 years younger). It's usually when they're playing football and thugboy gets angry and lashes out, often kicking him in the shins or tripping him up on purpose. All DS did was celebrate when his team scored.

Apparently it ended with both boys being made to apologise and the threat of "no more football for anyone" if it happens again.

I really think it should have been "no more football" for the bully, not for everyone else, as he's the one with the problem; everyone else always plays really nicely together. He gets involved and suddenly he's lashing out all over the place, swearing etc.

AIBU to go to the head and demand that something is done about him? Or am I over-reacting? My thoughts are that his anger issues aren't going to get any better if everyone has to give in to him all the time; surely it will just make him more of a bully?

Would appreciate any thoughts on this.

yanbu to speak to the head I would, just be 100% sure of your facts.
I presume you wern't there,so would be careful

Complain, complain, complain.

Be reasonable, polite but firm.

IME schools welcome other parents objecting to the behaviour of disruptive pupils. Gives them ammunition evidence required to access extra resources.

Well if it was me I would make an appointment with the Head.A punch in the head could've knocked your boy out or worse! I would always go in just to get all of the facts and make sure they are aware of your concerns regarding the bullying issue and what they are prepared to do about it if it escalates.

That is terrible!!!! Say something, as it isn't right for your child or others to be treated this way!

I think you are right to be annoyed.

However, I think you should perhaps contact them in a, "DS has said this is what happened but that can't be true, surely?!" way.

Obviously its unacceptable for your DS to be punched in the head but I'm not too sure I buy he was made to apologise for winding him up. I imagine your DS would present a slightly skewed version so perhaps check the facts.

In the youth group i volunteer with I've seen similar situations, where if you just look at one side it can sound a bit but actually both sides haven't been perfectly behaved.

2shoes I know what you mean about being sure of the facts, but I believe DS, and have seen first hand before the way this boy is.

Bless him, so as not to sound too critical you could say "obviously I wasn't there but x's perception of the matter is... Please could you clarify this with him"

I can imagine that DS would have been leaping around going "yes yes" after the team scored, and maybe was doing it a bit too close to the other boy, but there's still no excuse for punching him.

Thanks for your replies, I really wasn't sure if I was being a bit precious about this, but I do feel really let down by the school, as it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not going in all guns blazing either, as that just gets people's backs up. Will be polite, but stand my ground. Will update tomorrow - thanks again.

The problem is that you weren't there and your ds is going to put a big gloss on his behaviour.

For example my ds (age 4yo) was once in trouble for hitting another child at school. He was in trouble for it (rightly) and I spoke to him at home about it too.

When I was talking to him about it his description was "I made a sand castle and X knocked it over. I asked him not to knock my castle over and made another. So X squashed it with a spade. I told X I wanted to make a castle on my own-and he squashed my next one. So I hit him." This was confirmed by a parent of a little girl who was at the sandpit with him.

In this case it would have been reasonable for the other child to be made to apologise. At the same time it was reasonable for ds to be put in time out (which is what happened).

However I know he told his parents "I accidently knocked the sandcastle and he hit me". This is not the only time this child has repeatedly done stuff which is deliberately irritating to other dc, he's canny enough to do it where teachers don't see and then he plays the injured innocent.

Interesting. There seem to be two themes here: one is the old "It's six of one, half a dozen of the other" because teachers seem to find it easier to apportion blame equally rather than to punish the naughty child. This was the case even when I was in school, in the Dark Ages.

The other is: "For God's sake, don't provoke the bully." This seems to be a fairly new phenomenon. My DD had a story about a kid in her old school being attacked by a well-known thug, and the teacher who intervened turning to the victim and saying, "What did you say to provoke him?"

I think the OP is right to go into the school. There is no excuse for punching somebody in the head (unless it's in response to a direct physical attack) so the teacher should have come down very heavily on the bully.

YANBU to complain to head master or mistress .

In one of my previous schools one mother made alot of noise about one boy who constantly picked on and bullied her boy.

Turns out that the boy wasn't a bully he was having his buttons pushed by the this mother's boy and his friends.

As soon as he lashed out they would run off and tell the teacher.

Its something worth thinking about.

When my 4yo was punched in the head and I (politely) complained it was suggested I take her out of school at lunchtimes because they couldn't watch all the children all the time!!!

Go in by all means but you don't know what issues this child has.

I don't take either of those responses from the answers here. No one is saying that he was justified in hitting. However there are those saying to the OP that she hasn't necessarily got all the story. Even if she's got all the story as her ds saw it, it isn't necessarily actually all the story.

In my dsis form there was a child who had a dreadful sudden temper. Looking back he definitely had SN, but then it wasn't diagnosed. There were certain children who would wind him up until he flipped. And when I'm talking flipped, it was seriously flipped, he would have caused serious injury to anyone in his way. It wasn't fair to totally blame him looking back (which is what happened) because some of the children would spend the entire lunchtime saying things (but never touching him) which were pretty offensive. I think if these children had been pulled up on their verbal attacks rather than being treated as innocent victims then it would have been better for both sides.

My son was repeatedly kicked and punched in the 'privates' whilst at Primary School, by known 'troublemakers'. I was repeatedly told it was all part of school life.

hackmum

RE : your theory. It does seem more and more that children are 'jointly' told off and made to apologise to each other, regardless of what's happened. Also, that young children should apparently be 'sensitive' towards a 'difficult' child, and know not to 'provoke' a child who may or may not have various behavioural issues.

Whilst all the 'privates punching and kicking' was going on with my DS, he was also at the time 'buddying' a child in his class who had some 'issues'. So he was expected to basically put up with the bullying while helping another little lad to realise that certain actions aren't acceptable. He was 8 at the time.

As I said previously, I don't know the whole story, but I usually can tell when DS is lying. He is quite quiet and is very well-behaved on the whole (according to his teachers). He has never been told off for anything like this before, so I think he is quite upset at the fact it just seems so unjust. I understand as well that it's not alway easy for staff to get the full picture, but ths boy is well-known as a bully and for being very aggressive..

This child may well have undiagnosed SN too, but I don't see why the other children should be put at risk from him. Somthing should be done to stop this sort of behaviour, particuarly towards much younger children.

BTW we changed schools (this had been the final straw) and everything has been marvellous since (4 years now). New school actually acts on its bullying policy ...

I do agree that 'don't provoke the bully' seems to have become a bit of new playground 'thing' and I hate it. It's not up to a person being bullied to change their behaviour, it's up to the bully.

That said of course OP you shouldn't go in all guns blazing, you should be polite and firm as you have said.

I'm not defending the hitting in any way, but the boy in DeWe's post sounds exactly like my son in primary. His aggressive response was never excused and there were significant consequences for him, but he never initiated trouble. He did finish it though. Bear-baiting was a popular sport in his yeargroup.
If the situation in the OP's case has happened a couple of times, the school has to be much more proactive in sorting out issues before the taunting and aggression levels mean someone ends up hurt. They should be logging incidents and putting a sequence in place to reinforce the positive behaviour and control the negative.

A bully would seek out your ds as a victim to target. This lad seems to have got over whelmed in a group situation and may have seen the over-exuberant goal celebration as goading him because his social skills might not be very well developed. Yes, if he has SN may be he needs keeping an eye on.

Just because he's aggressive doesn't automatically make him a bully. Sad to label a young lad like that.

I agree with you Boris, but unfortunately schools and the 'system' don't. Everyone is expected to be aware that some children do have behavioural and other issues/needs, call them what you will, and in some cases things do have to be literally dire before any action is taken.

There was one lad in my son's school who had spent the morning throwing things round the classroom. It got so bad he progressed to trying to throw chairs at the teacher. It didn't matter that there were 29 other children in the classroom. These children then had to witness this lad being literally 'man-handled' and carried out of the classroom by 4 adults, an arm and a leg each.

When the behaviour is that bad, and still nothing can be done as far as help for that particular child is concerned, I wonder how children get the help they need ?

The system for helping children is not fast enough and hampered by so much information gathering. But I do agree that it is wholly unfair that other children then have to bear it too.

Will it ever change ? Probably not.

You can just see how reciting poetry at the age of 5, and learning all times tables by 9 is really going to help, can't you ?

So children are being taught not to provoke/taunt other children now?

Good.

OP, there is celebrating, and there is loudly gloating in front of the other team that you have won, which seems to be what your DS was doing.

What would you like to be done about the other child? He obviously needs behavior support, but this should come from the whole school community.

Definitely speak to someone at the school. My brother was bullied at school for years - including physical attacks like being punched in the head - and the school did less than nothing. It only ended when my parents moved him to another school, but the conversation with the head and his teachers at least made it clear they had no interest in helping my brother, enabling my parents to make the decision to move him.

LynetteScavo: "OP, there is celebrating, and there is loudly gloating in front of the other team that you have won, which seems to be what your DS was doing."

And therefore he deserved to be punched in the head?

There is no moral equivalence between gloating (which isn't very nice) and punching someone in the head (which is downright wrong, and should be punished). Your implication is that the OP's DS should know better, but that the boy who punched him must be in need of support. Spot the inconsistency?