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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to insist that the school investigate further or should I just call SS??

50 replies

ConcernedForThisChild · 11/06/2012 13:29

I have name changed for obvious reasons.

I really don't know what to do for the best.

I will start from the beginning.

DS is 7 and used to be good friends with another little boy, lets call him H.
DS and H were in the same class last year and were good friends for a while, but I became uncomfortable with their friendship as H frequently used bad language and what I considered to be inappropriate behaviour.
I became aware that H's mother allowed him and her other children to watch anything they wanted on TV, including violent and scary films and tv programs, H told me that he watched The Walking Dead with his mother, and told me vivid descriptions of what had happened in past episodes, as I watched the program myself I knew that he was telling the truth. He also described many other inappropriate films and TV shows that he said he watching, including Dexter which was one of his favorites.
I asked his mother about this and she admitted that she does let her children watch whatever they want on tv, and didn't see anything wrong with them watching scary and violent things.

Because of this and many other things a encouraged DS to play with other children and stopped allowing after school playdates with H.

MY DD started at the same school in september. H's little brother is also in DD's class, I will call him D.

I had heard a few comments from other parents in the playground about things D had done but I didnt want to gossip so I didn't say anything to the parents, or mention H's past behaviour.

A few weeks ago DD's best friend had a chinese burn on her arm from another child at school, they didn't know which child had done it as none of the supervisors saw it happen.
Then a few days later DD also came home with a nasty chinese burn on her arm.
She told the teachers that she didn't know who did it, and the teacher said nobody saw it happen, but it turned out that 6 children had been injured in this way.
When I later asked DD about it she (after much denial) told me that it was D who had hurt her and the other children, I asked her how he had done it without the supervisors seeing and she said "he follows people into the toilets to hurt them where no one can see."
I told his teacher this and she said she would look into it.

Then shortly after another parent told me that her DS had told her that D had come up to him in the toilets and 'shown' him how he can "touch his willy to make it feel good" several other parents mentioned similar comments had been made to their children, but most didnt know by whom.
I talked about it with DD and she told me that D always "follows everyone into the toilets" and that he had told her to "take off her knickers so he could play with her" when she refused he hurt her.
I called the mother of DD friend (the one that was also hurt by D) and she said she would take to her DD about it, and later told me that her DD had told her a similar story with very little prompting (about what DD had told me) by her mother.

We both spoke to the head teacher the next day and she said she would look into it.
by the end of the week I called the HT to ask what she was doing to 'look into it' and she said that she was certain that it was just a misunderstanding and that she had spoken to D about his behaviour and that it would not be happening again.

After much though I decided that I would talk to D's mother. I called her and told her everything I knew about what happened to DD and DD's friend (I didnt mention the other children as I dont know if that was true or just gossip)
She told me that she had been told by the school what he had said, and she did apologize, and said she hoped DD's arm was better. She said "you know what kids are like" and I said I did but D's behaviour was concerning, and she said "its just too much f*ing TV"

It was all fine until DD told me that it had happened again (after all of the conversations) and several other parents also mentioned similar things from their children.

But the HT said that she spoke to D and that he promised that he would not do anything like that again.

The school dont seem to be doing anything to investigate this.
I am sure that it is just something that he picked up from an inappropriate tv program, but of course there is always the possibility that something worse could have taught him this behaviour, and I am concerned that no one seems to be looking into why this boy is behaving this way.

Would I be unreasonable to call social services myself to make them aware of this behaviour? Or am I just over reacting?

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
cuteboots · 11/06/2012 13:34

OMG I was totally horrified reading this added to the fact that the school arent doing anything? Social services may be able to help with the things going on in the home but surely the school should be stepping up and investigating this as well

FeakAndWeeble · 11/06/2012 13:34

You're not overreacting. How old is D?

I would be extremely unhappy at the response so far from the Head and I'd be taking this up with the Board of Governers.

redexpat · 11/06/2012 13:36

Yep I'd call SS. It's in the child's best interests.

EdithWeston · 11/06/2012 13:38

The school appears to be stonewalling you because it would be totally wrong of them to tell you anything about their actions in respect of this child. And I wouldn't expect any investigations or actual measures to be noticeable to parents. You simply do not know that no-one cares or is acting.

Every time your DD mentions an event, you need to raise it with the school (confirming by email?).

You need to stop gossiping about this boy wit other parents. It is none of your business whether he is targeting other children too. Your responsibility is to DD. If she is not safe at school, then make a huge fuss. And a file of emails documenting when, and in what terms, such incidents have been discussed may prove useful.

Charliefarlie1192 · 11/06/2012 13:39

yanbu, I would be ringing ss

oldraver · 11/06/2012 13:39

Yes I would contact SS as school does not seem to be dealing with it, I would also tell school you are not happy with the way they havn't dealt with it and copy in the Governors.

Someone will be along that has better advice on the best way to go about this I'm sure

DoingTheBestICan · 11/06/2012 13:40

I can honestly say this is the first thread I have read on here that made me gasp,I am a school governor and I absolutely think the least you should do is approach them with this information.
Sounds like the mother needs some help.

MsVestibule · 11/06/2012 13:40

I think I'd be calling SS, and I really don't say that lightly. The little boy must be 4 or 5? I know children 'experiment' at this age (doctors and nurses etc), but this sounds way beyond this and I'm surprised the school aren't taking it more seriously.

If there is a possibility that that poor little boy is behaving like because somebody's doing it to him, it needs to be investigated.

wheremommagone · 11/06/2012 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flagnogbagnog · 11/06/2012 13:41

Do you think it's just 'too much tv' though? Sounds a lot worse than that to me. This little boy has just started school? So he is 3 or 4? That's a very sexually aware child for that age.

I would call social services and ask for advice. It may be something that would ring alarm bells to them or possibly something that would not but it might help put your mind at rest.

If it was my dd I would be making sure she knew that she can tell you anything that happens with this boy at anytime so if there is any further incident you can immediately act on it.

AnyoneForTennis · 11/06/2012 13:42

Sounds like the mother knows the root of the problem and when approached by ss she will just say she is reducing the tv

Callisto · 11/06/2012 13:42

Well I would be keeping my DD away from school until this is resolved, so no you're definitley not overreacting. I am horrified by the whole thing tbh and not sure what to say apart from I agree that a call to SS is in order.

Beanbagz · 11/06/2012 13:43

I would be taking this up with the Board of Governers since the Head seems to be doing nothing.

I would also mention to them that you feel this is a matter for SS. Hopefully that will shock them into actually doing something as the situation can't be allowed to continue.

wheremommagone · 11/06/2012 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NovackNGood · 11/06/2012 13:44

I would write to to the Head of school repeating your concerns so you have a good record of your contact with the head and definitey contact SS by telephone and in writing too. I would be as careful as you are about 'gossiping' but discussing your concern with other victims parents to confirm details is not gossiping.

veritythebrave · 11/06/2012 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 11/06/2012 13:44

I can understand that the HT wouldn't want to speak to other parents about an ongoing investigation, but I would expect more reassurance than "D promised he wouldn't do it again."

That in itself suggests that these things did happen and therefore that there was no "misunderstanding".

hackmum · 11/06/2012 13:44

"I called the HT to ask what she was doing to 'look into it' and she said that she was certain that it was just a misunderstanding"

This sort of thing makes me mad. Why would it be a misunderstanding? Why would she be sure of it? A better translation is "This is far too much effort for me to do anything about so I am going to pretend it didn't happen."

I don't know what you should do, though. Social Services might be overkill, and the approach might be better coming from the school than from a parent.

I always say this in threads of this kind, but: it's always better to send a letter to the HT because then they have to act and they can't pretend later that you didn't say anything.

timetosmile · 11/06/2012 13:45

There are two issues aren't there?

Firstly, would it be reasonable for you to raise your concerns with ss re the little boy's home circumstances - and I think that would be a sensible thing to do.

Secondly, school may well be investigating this further but are not at liberty to discuss it with you (even though your DD was involved, it is 'sort of' not your business how they proceed in detail), as another poster said, so please don't assume nothing is being done just becuase you haven't been informed though I do understand how you must feel this isn't being treated seriously

insancerre · 11/06/2012 13:45

I would ring the NSPCC and ask for their advice.
www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/worried-about-a-child/the-nspcc-helpline/using-the-nspcc-helpline-hub_wdh72253.html

BlueberryPancake · 11/06/2012 13:45

I think the school would not be able to tell you about their discussions with the parents as this is confidential. Also, I wouldn't call the parents of the children in question. Write to the board of governors, and write to the head teacher. When things are in writting they are more official and there is a record of it. Whereas calling social services, I don't know what I would do tbh.

pumpkinsweetie · 11/06/2012 13:45

Keep your dd of school until this is resolved, then i would call ss as the school isn't doing anything to investigate.
The behaviour of that child is not normal at all

RillaBlythe · 11/06/2012 13:46

The thing is surely the Head isn't going to tell you what is or isn't happening. Is that confidential?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 11/06/2012 13:52

I am not sure what SS would do, not sure whether I would call or not. Possibly would.

But what you MUST do is put this in writing to the school - use email, that way it cant be denied as being received. If you dont put it in writing then nothing will be officially done and there will be no record of this happening on this childs school record.

That would be my first port of call.

I am so sorry this happened to your child.

ConcernedForThisChild · 11/06/2012 13:53

Yes the boy is 5 years old.

just to be clear I have not gossiped about any of it to any parents, the only person (other than teachers) that I have told is DD's friends mother, and she has not told anyone about it either.
When i say that other parents have mentions things I mean they have told me, I have not said anything about my opinions/what has happened with DD.

I didn't feel stonewalled by the school, I genuinely feel that they think that D is just playing inappropriately, and that a chat and a mention to his mother was good enough.

I did tell the HT that I felt that it would be in the schools best interests to either have someone supervising D at all times or have someone in the toilets to make sure nothing else happens.

I don't want to get the mother in trouble for her parenting choices, as I am definitely someone who believes people have every right to raise their children however they chose.
But I just worry what that boy could have been watching to learn this kind or behaviour, the alternative does not bear thinking about.

OP posts: