Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To want cut my brother and his family out of our lives

69 replies

goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 11:44

This is going to be fairly long to avoid drop feeding so appolgies in advance.

Over the weekend I had my nephew over to play. He is 7, the same age as my eldest DC. He is an only child and whilst he can be absolutely lovely, he hates not having all the attention for himself at times and my DC's always have to do what he wants. Saturday appeared to be one of those days. He was very boisterous and was acting silly, swearing and being aggresive towards my two DC's to get their attention. My DC's were trying to play nicely on the trampoline (which they have just gotten) and were trying in vain to get him to join in, he very obviously wasn't in the mood for this.

After the 5th time of being called by my DC's, I explained to DN that his behaviour wasn't acceptable and he should apologise as we don't swear and hit in this house. I did not raise my voice and talked to him in a calm, measured tone. My mum was there and commented that she didn't know how I didn't lose my temper with him. However DN went mental and started shouting at me that I can't tell him what to do and that I'm a stupid cow with a stupid funny face (I have a slight facial paralysis). I was really shocked and upset and calmly told him this and that I was going inside to calm down as I was angry.

Everything calmed down and my DN left in what I thought was good spirits. Later that evening I received a phone call from my brother shouting and swearing at me saying how dare I discipline his son and that I humiliated him in front of everyone. His son is heartbroken and crying his eyes out because I was nasty and shouted and screamed at him! WTAF?! He then said that he was putting DN on the phone so I could apologise to him. At that I put the phone down. He has been ringing back and leaving nasty texts since then.

My mum has now got involved and has told me to apologise just to keep the peace as she hates conflict, even though she concedes that I didn't do anything wrong and handled things better than she would have. My brother and SIL are very bullying and domineering and this time I have decided to dig my heels in as I am sick of their behaviour which is obviously rubbing off on their son. My mum is now in the sulks with me. What should I do?

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 11/06/2012 11:46

erm, tell your brother that your DN called you "stupid cow with a stupid funny face "

tell him that his son should apologise not you, and that you did NOT expect to be personally abused by a relative

then turn phone off, and ignore

PoohBearsHole · 11/06/2012 11:48

It is so much easier said than done, the cutting out I mean. Believe me. Its difficult to ignore isn't it, your DM is now getting flustered but by backing down and apologising your DN gets the upper hand which is what he wants. Perhaps send a text back saying:

Perhaps you should get the truth of what happened out of your son before you start asking for me to apologise to him and perhaps an apology to me is in order.

And then leave it. I am sorry not to be much more help. I too am struggling with family issues.

noonar · 11/06/2012 11:53

do not give in to them or your mum.

you've done nothing wrong.

i would avoid making long term decisions re cutting them out of your life for good while emotions are running high.

write them both a simple text and explain that you are not prepared to communicate with them until they are calmer.

in the meantime, write down your feelings in a letter to mum an brother. but don't send it yet. or maybe even ever. but it will help you process your feelings.

wait til the dust has settled so that you dont say something in haste that you cant take back (re cutting them out for good).

although, having said that it sounds as though it wouldnt be a loss to you!

noonar · 11/06/2012 11:55

at all times stay calm. dont lose your temper with them over this. if you are calm whilst others are ranting, it kind of holds a mirror up to their own behaviour, iyswim.

mumofbumblebea · 11/06/2012 11:58

don't apologise. they left their son in your care, therefore, in my eyes, you had a right to discipline him (and i think you were very calm btw). what the hell do they do if a teacher tells him off? if it was my child i'd have them on the phone apologising, not the other way around.
however, it really is not realistic to say you will cut them out of your lives, there is no way you can stick to that especially with other family members around.
i think it would be better in the long run to keep the peace. but that doesn't mean apologising. i'd probably send a text to your brother saying exactly what happened (if you haven't already), say that you don't feel you did anything wrong but that you accept they feel differently and you will have to agree to disagree. end it saying that you will contact them in a few days when everyone has calmed down. don't respond to anything after that and do not agree to look after their child for them again.

sashh · 11/06/2012 12:02

Text

I though calling me a cow and making fun of my face was because your child is a brat. Now I know it is because he is being brought up that way.

Please do not contact me until you both learn to behave.

porridgelover · 11/06/2012 12:03

Hmmmm- I dont think now is the time for decisions about cutting them out of your life. Not while emotions are high.
Good on you for keeping your cool when he spoke to you like that (brat). Do not apologise. Do not give in on this to either your mother or brother- mother should be asking brother to cop the hell on.

As others said, a calm text saying that there is another side to the story and that you will discuss it later when all are calm- then leave it.

neolara · 11/06/2012 12:08

Blimey. I think I would have sent your dn home at the point he said you were a "stupid cow".

I wouldn't apologise to your dn or your db. If you do, your dn will behave even more appallingly when he comes to play next time.

lisad123 · 11/06/2012 12:08

Just tell him that if he leaves his son with you he should follow your house rules. I would also tell him to speak to his son about what he said to you and to ask your mum what was said as his son is lying.

Original poster

goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 12:08

I am always calm and reasonable, I'm starting to think thats my problem. Believe me this is just the latest in a long line of incidents with my brother and sil and I really don't have the strength to be bothering with it anymore. This is not the first time my DN has made a nasty comment about my face and from the language he has used in the past he has very obviously overheard an adult conversation.

In the phone call my DB said that I shouldn't have told DN off for making fun of my face as he's a child and just being honest, I do have a funny face! How can you get your point across with someone like that??

OP posts:

tomverlaine · 11/06/2012 12:09

I think you just need to find a way to explain to your brother calmly what happened (I can't work out from your op whether you got a chance to do this) - and say that although DN was very rude, you didn't actually shout at him (although you felt it would have been justified) and that if he isn't prepared to believe you he could talk to your mum who was there.
I would also say something along the lines that given his age you are prepared to overlook the remarks made by BN but he really needs to be taught that this is not acceptable behaviour.

BUT it sounds to me that you have other issues with your B and that you need to decide whether you wnat to use this to bring them up or not.

manicbmc · 11/06/2012 12:13

Does your brother behave like that because your mother couldn't cope with confrontation and let him get away with being a brat all his life?

Send him an email, telling him exactly what happened and tell him neither him nor his son or wife will be welcome in your home until you have received a proper apology from them.

Ball's in his court then.

GrahamTribe · 11/06/2012 12:14

Well, now you know where your nephew gets his obnoxious behaviour from. Unfortunately, he's not going to learn anything different living with your brother, is he? So, you can put up with being sworn at by a seven year old and an adult man ad finitum or you can grow some balls and tell your brother where he and his brattishly behaved kid can go.

if you put up with it the kid will do it again. Only next time you'll be too scared to "discipline" him and so he'll just get worse and worse, being rude to you and aggressive to your kids - and your brother will continue to try and dominate and be abusive to you too. Then maybe your kids will pick up on it.

And you didn't "discipline" the kid btw, you merely told him it wasn't on to behave as he was - I'd have shown his what "discipline" really meant!

GrahamTribe · 11/06/2012 12:16

** ad infinitum! (hey, I got an A at A level Latin too!).

Original poster

goingeversoslowlymad · 11/06/2012 12:19

No I didn't really get the chance to explain as everytime I tried he just kept shouting over the top of me.

My issues with him is his aggressive and selfish behaviour which he is never pulled up on. His son is put on a pedestal and can do no wrong. Last summer DN and my DC's were playing on his Xbox and DN ended up breaking the controller. He blamed DC1 and my brother shouted and screamed at her. When it came out his son had actually broken it, he gave him a hug and said not to worry we'll buy another one. He didn't apologise or make DN apologise to her though. I had a big argument with him over that and stopped contact for a couple of months.

OP posts:

donnie · 11/06/2012 12:20

he actually said "but he's only being honest, you do have a funny face"?

Your brother sounds vile tbh. I agree with everyone that remaining calm is usually the best ploy, but frankly I also feel maybe it is time for you to tell your brother exactly what you think of him and his family in no uncertain terms. He seems to be using you and abusing you and you dont need it.

Definitely state categorically that none of them will be welcome in your home until a full apology has been offered.

AdventuresWithVoles · 11/06/2012 12:20

I think stand your ground, but only you know if you can accept the consequences. I can't blame you for cutting them off if they are typically like this.

To me the funny face comment isn't so bad, at least it has factual basis, it's the "stupid" & "cow" words that would upset me.

I have an impulsive bad-tempered 7yo who might mouth off in the wrong moment, they are only children, and some are a lot more immature than others. It's your brother's reaction that is really out of order. Doesn't sound like he will listen no matter what you say & your mum full well knows it. I would worry about reassuring your mum, protecting your own relationship with her & if there's anything minor you can do to help her deal with your brother's vitriole then do it.

porridgelover · 11/06/2012 12:21

^^
Why would you work at a relationship with them if they treat you like that?

manicbmc · 11/06/2012 12:21

So he can shout at your kids but you can't calmly tell his ds off?

You don't need this loon in your life. His ds will get worse and your kids will resent his visits.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 11/06/2012 12:21

do not apologise.

ask them to stop contacting you until they can do so in a calm and respectful manner.

tell your Mum that you will not be bullied into an apology.

hopefully brother will have a sulk and refuse to speak to you again. if he carries on you may be within your ights to speak to the police about harrassment but that will put the cat amongst the pigeons for good!

rainydaysarebad · 11/06/2012 12:22

A child swearing at an adult or other children is not acceptable in any terms. Why didn't you tell your brother this an tell him to discipline his child? My dd was an only child for 4 years and NEVER would I let her behave like that. Being an only child isn't an excuse to be rude and selfish. Tell your brother what a gem of a son he has and what a brill job he's doing raising him.

Ormiriathomimus · 11/06/2012 12:24

Stick to your guns! Sorry your mum is upset and it's horrible being stuck in the middle but you are quite right. Children should not be allowed to be rude and unpleasant to anyone.

It won't be doing your DC any good. Nor DN for that matter not to be told what's what by an adult.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 11/06/2012 12:24

x post

your children need you to protect them from him so not visiting him/having him at your house is necessary

WinkyWinkola · 11/06/2012 12:25

What exactly are the positive elements if your relationship with your brother? He sounds like an utter knob. You will just lurch from row to row IMO.

I have no issues with binning friends or family if they behave crappily a lot. This sounds like one that is ripe for binning.

FuntimeFelicity · 11/06/2012 12:28

There has to be a line and this is a good time to draw it.

You and your children are being sworn at by your db and his son. That in itself would warrant a clear 'you, your wife and your son are no longer welcome in my house unless this is addressed' message.

Flip

1 2 3